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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask her to share the cost

73 replies

Tobermory · 27/01/2019 22:11

I need some perspective.
So... back story. My sibling lives with her DH and child approx 300 miles away from me in the Uk. I’m her only family. We have no parents and just one ageing Aunt. We’re close, we’ve been through a lot. Ten years ago she moved in with me and DH while her life was difficult.

She has not travelled back to her home town (where I live ) for approx 3 years. Her DH Doesn’t like to travel or stay away from home (unless on holiday) so they don’t come here. Prior to her DC arriving she came here and stayed with me and my family for a couple of days over the Christmas break - did this for a couple of years but Her DH didn’t come.

So the only way I see her and her Dc is to travel there. We can’t stay in their home so have to stay in hotels. Their home has 3 bedrooms so in theory we could all squeeze in though it would be a squeeze. when family come here, my DC bunk in together or use blow up mattresses so people can stay- I guess I’m saying we put ourselves out. I find it hard to understand why the same can’t happen. Again it’s due to Her DH- people don’t stay.

We’ve not seen them for some months, I’m trying to organise a visit.

AIBU to ask her to share the cost of our stay? Hotel? Or train?

Normally I wouldn’t dream of asking when visiting someone but the cost to see them is always met by us. If I didn’t go there then we would never see each other.

OP posts:

PopCakes · 28/01/2019 09:07

If I was your sister and for some reason I couldn't travel easily or have people in my home I'd be more than happy to share the cost of your trip to me. When I lived abroad and had small DC I did this with family. It was win win. I didn't have to travel with young kids but got to see family.

zzzzz · 28/01/2019 09:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Holidayshopping · 28/01/2019 09:19

if one of my sisters asked me to pay for her to come and visit me I would be really really hurt

Really?!

Even though the reason is because

You won’t let her stay in your house so she has to pay for a hotel and
You won’t ever come and visit her so she is always the one doing the travelling!

zzzzz · 28/01/2019 09:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bluntness100 · 28/01/2019 09:25

I think I would say you struggle with the cost, but desperately wish to see her, and see what she says, if she offers or not. If she does not I don't think I'd ask.

RangeRider · 28/01/2019 09:26

I'm not quite sure why people seem to assume that a DH who doesn't like to travel means that he's a controlling bastard. To me it's more likely that he's got anxiety issues or something like that and so finds it really difficult to get around much. OP has said that her DH doesn't like to travel or stay away from home unless on holiday - sounds more like he struggles with going out but sucks it up big style to manage the odd holiday for his family. If it's something like autism that would also explain why their DC doesn't travel well either.
Why not just try talking to her calmly?

Pk37 · 28/01/2019 09:27

I think that’s really cheeky.
If you want to see her then you should pay for it yourself .
Her dh can refuse to have guests stay over , a lot of people don’t like it so I don’t blame him for that

drowningincustard · 28/01/2019 09:33

I think it's time for a deep and honest conversation with your sister. Does she want the families to have a relationship. If she does then she needs to recognise that the financial and travel burden has always fallen on you and it's damaging the relationship. She needs to decide if she's going to contribute - either by travelling or helping the financial side.
But you need to tread carefully as there's a chance her husband is controlling and isolating her. So no major dramatics but that the door will always be open. And do a bit of probing whether she needs some other kind of support right now with regard to her husband.

NoSquirrels · 28/01/2019 09:59

Can you plan a holiday together with the DC?

EscapeTheCastle · 28/01/2019 11:43

It's blooming hard work hosting when you don't have much room to do so.

I think a little holiday away leaving the men folk at home could be just the solution. Half way between you both. Just a weekend. It's worth suggesting and pricing to to see if it's doable.

Stompythedinosaur · 28/01/2019 12:30

I think that asking her to pay half your hotel seems a bit rude, but saying you would love to see her more and how can you manage that is good.

HeebieJeebies456 · 28/01/2019 15:07

She has not travelled back to her home town (where I live ) for approx 3 years
How often did she visit you before this?
If her dc is 2 years old then i guess she stopped visiting around the time she got pregnant?

Sounds to me like she's using her dh and dc as an excuse to not make an effort because it 'inconveniences' her.
Her dh sounds like a dick but then again he could have MH or other sensory issues going on which could explain why he's selectively social.

Regardless, your sister CAN make the effort to travel to you but she won't.
She COULD meet you halfway - but she won't.
Instead she'd rather use emotional manipulation and put the responsibility onto you - despite knowing that her dh's attitude would make house guests feel uncomfortable and unwelcome.

My DC need a relationship her
Actually - they don't. It would be nice if they had a good relationship with her, but as the adult SHE needs to also facilitate that and she won't.

Frankly, it looks like she can't be arsed making any kind of effort and is putting all the responsibility of maintaining the relationship on to you and your dc.

FuckOffMeadowSoprano · 28/01/2019 15:10

It sounds like either:

They're being lazy and aren't as fussed about meeting as you are.

Her DH is controlling and doesn't want her to travel to you.

They're being cheeky and hoping you'll manage all of the travelling so they don't have the inconvenience of it all.

mummarosie1 · 28/01/2019 15:21

I see you dilemma, but I would stop putting out in the way you are, she's being really unfair. Unless you think she is genuinely being controlled in DV sort of way and is scared to disagree with her DH?

chocatoo · 28/01/2019 18:32

How about taking a tent down and pitching it in the garden?

Original poster

Tobermory · 29/01/2019 00:16

Thanks for everyone’s thoughts, even those that I don’t agree with!

I think she is in a relationship where the other person says how high and what the other person wants they usually get. I do think they have anxieties about being outside the home and staying with others but also they just don’t want to. And I think for me that’s the saddest bit. DS should put herself out more and her DH should want to facilitate that for her sake and for the sake of their DC.

@zzzzz you’d be hurt, even though you can see that I’m doing it all? All the cost , all the travelling, all the inconvenience that a round trip entails with my DC so we can see each other. You’d be hurt but what about me?

@HeebieJeebies456 wise words. Much of what u say about her DH is true. He is a very difficult person to b around but yes she could do something about it if she was inclined

OP posts:

zzzzz · 29/01/2019 00:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Tobermory · 29/01/2019 00:52

Yes I have expressed my feelings. I was trying to understand your ‘hurt’ and whether it would be something my DS might feel. I was hoping you could elaborate ... I’d be hurt but would also feel guilty. But you didn’t

We sometimes eat there but certainly not all the time. often they suggest we eat out - lunch and dinner- which is an extra expense.

OP posts:

zzzzz · 29/01/2019 01:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PregnantSea · 29/01/2019 01:00

The only way to do this tactfully is to say that you can't afford a hotel and then see what she says.

I wouldn't outright ask for her to cover the cost. I agree that it's unfair that it's always you putting in the effort but that still doesn't mean she should pay for your hotel.

If she isn't making any effort to see you then maybe that tells you something?

artisanscotcheggs · 29/01/2019 01:11

Her DH sounds very controlling, I'd be more concerned with that. 300 miles away with a controlling husband would be raising massive alarm bells.

JaesseJexaMaipru · 29/01/2019 07:16

Her DH sounds nasty and controlling. Isolating her from her family and support networks can be part of a pattern of abuse (not necessarily violent abuse).

I think holidays together are the best bet. Identify somewhere nice that is a reasonable train journey from their area and which you could reasonably travel to. Find a house big enough for all. Split the costs.

You won't save money but it won't feel so one-sided.

RangeRider · 29/01/2019 09:10

DS should put herself out more and her DH should want to facilitate that for her sake and for the sake of their DC.
Maybe she's happy not doing that? Just because you're the sort of person who wants to be out & about doesn't mean that she is. She may be perfectly happy staying close to home with DH & DC. DH obviously does make the effort to go on holiday with them... It's not always as straight-forward as we think, and we tend to judge people & their lives on our own terms without considering that they might see it completely differently.

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