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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I shouldn't of sent this?

68 replies

coplings · 27/01/2019 20:19

But if background so not to drip feed....

Dh and I have a close friend who last year had a one night stand and got the girl pregnant - not great but anyway. I'll name him A.

She was thrilled. I'll name her B.

A did his best to support B throughout her pregnancy. She didn't really involve him which is fair enough but he was there when B needed him. She didn't want him at the birth either and wouldn't let him see the baby until she was 2 days old.

Anyway I was pregnant at the same time as B. I've never met her. Wouldn't know her if she was stood in front of me.

But anyway me and A went on regular shopping trips buying things for the baby etc. B asked A to buy a lot of things as she couldn't afford much and he was happy to do so.

Now the baby is about 3 months old. B only lets A see the baby once a week under her supervision. Not sure why. It's not his first child and he knows what he's doing.

A is always buying things for the baby and also pays maintenance.

Anyway the other day I saw a post on my local mum and baby fb group. As I was reading it, I realised it was B's post.

She was slagging A off as a father saying he should give her more money. How he never buys anything for the baby. He's not bought her anything so far!!! How she can't trust him with the baby. And how it frustrates her that he goes out on a Saturday night for a few drinks when he could give that money to her for the baby.

The post was also extremely outing. She didn't name him but she named his place of work, his other child, his hobbies, his earnings and that he's rubbish around kids - he's not. We have dcs. He's great with them.

I screen shotted the post and sent it to A. I felt so angry at this post.

A is a very calm person so it didn't anger him but he did tell B he knew about the post.

B then apparently went mad and hasn't let A see the baby this weekend. All very childish.

Was i BU to send the post onto A. He's my good friend and I felt he should know what's been written about him.

She actually got a fair few people saying she sounded 'money grabbing' on the post too so I can imagine she's not in the best of moods right now.

I know there is 2 sides to every story but her side simply was not true.

OP posts:
Letsmoveondude · 27/01/2019 20:24

No I think you did the right thing. He needs to go to court for access.
Few things he needs,
Pay her via a bank transfer and keep receipts for everything, and is he 100% sure the baby is even his?
She sounds like a right one.

Hiphopopotamous · 27/01/2019 20:25

I'd have done the same for my friend. How awful for him.

Though I can understand a new mother not wanting to be separated from her newborn for long, especially if she is BF.

Divgirl2 · 27/01/2019 20:26

Agreed, he needs to get a DNA test and get everything written down through the courts. She sounds mental.

I think you did the right thing.

Original poster
coplings · 27/01/2019 20:27

@Letsmoveondude we've told him over and over to do a dna test. He hasn't BUT the baby is his absolute double so I'm guessing she is his. But he still needs to do one.

He is going to court but he was hoping he could reason with her without doing so. But she's clearly just after money and that's all she wants from him.

She also isn't breastfeeding so there is no reason why the baby cannot go with A but B just won't allow it

OP posts:
Absofuckinglutely · 27/01/2019 20:27

I think it was fair enough to send it to A. She's libelling him with lies online, making very thinly veiled references to his identity.

I'd leave it at that though. I wouldn't get further involved.
He has parental rights, he needs to engage a solicitor to get maintenance and access sorted out properly.

Original poster
coplings · 27/01/2019 20:27

I'm glad everyone thinks I've done the right thing - so far. I've just been feeling guilty as its stopped him from seeing the baby.

OP posts:
Eliza9917 · 27/01/2019 20:29

Yes you should HAVE.
A needs to go to court for regular structured access and to make sure he has records or all monies and goods handed over.

Fusioluxe · 27/01/2019 20:30

He’s your friend, you were right.

It’s not your fault that she is now withholding visitation. Is your friend named on the birth certificate?

Amanduh · 27/01/2019 20:33

Well maybe she’s named him for a reason. He can tell you all the stories he likes, doesn’t mean it’s true.

SnuggyBuggy · 27/01/2019 20:34

I understand why you showed the post to A but I would try to stay out of this mess now. Let A do things through the proper channels. Maybe suggest A considers getting the snip as his life sounds pretty complicated with other kids and now this.

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 27/01/2019 20:37

It A's first dc and the snip is called for!! Really??

Oswin · 27/01/2019 20:37

Well the babies is still very young so I agree with her not sending her baby off.
Is he paying over the csa recommended maintenance. If he is I would tell him to send her the details of that so that she knows actually he's not trying to be a dick.

MissB83 · 27/01/2019 20:38

I don't think you did the wrong thing to show A the post.
But be aware that there are two sides to every story. My son's father told his friends and family quite a lot of lies about the extent to which he is involved with his son, pays maintenance etc. Presumably because he is ashamed about what a crap father he is. I hope your friend has told you the truth but... you never can tell!

Oswin · 27/01/2019 20:40

And you seem to think her not wanting him at the birth is something to prove what a bitch she is.
She isn't wrong in that respect at all. She isn't a vessel for the baby. This was her private medical business.

RinkeyDinkey · 27/01/2019 20:40

As pp said, I hope he sends the maintenance through his bank instead of cash. Keep records of all things bought with transactional proof, get to court for access.

YogaWannabe · 27/01/2019 20:41

I would have sent the screenshots too so YANBU there.

YABU and quite naive regarding other elements though.

betterbehomesoon · 27/01/2019 20:43

You did the right thing - you aren't responsible for her childish reaction to being found out with what she wrote on FB (doesn't she know how social media works?). He needs to know what he is dealing with and secure his equal rights to his child.

BartonHollow · 27/01/2019 20:44

YANBU over the post particularly if it's demonstrably untrue and he can use it to get court ordered access but I have to agree with the poster above that IF what she's saying is true, or true in part

A would not be the first man ever to present an false image to his friends and family that he is an engaged father who wants access and would be more involved but for the "mental ex" whilst simultaneously not giving a fuck outside of the image he wants to portray and doing jack all

Original poster
coplings · 27/01/2019 20:45

I won't get involved anymore. It's really not something I would usually do anyway but he is a close friend. She's also blocked me on fb so I can't see anything else she puts anyway! I have never spoke to her or contacted her but she guessed it was me apparently.

Yes he is on the birth certificate. Court is the only way to go now and he knows that.

I can also see why she wouldn't want to let go of the baby - I have a baby the same age and I'd find it difficult. BUT in the post she was moaning that he doesn't see the baby more yet this is the only contact she allows.

She is also very much aware that A pays her what CSA says - she said this in the post. He pays her £10 a week more than what CSA say. She says it's not enough. And that he doesn't buy anything but he does. Every week - milk and nappies. Anything she asks for basically. I've seen the messages B sent to A.

Thanks to those who say to keep the receipts. I wouldn't of thought of this and I know he won't of so I'll mention this to him and advise him to keep hold of them.

OP posts:
TulipsInbloom1 · 27/01/2019 20:45

She didn't want him at the birth either and wouldn't let him see the baby until she was 2 days old completely reasonable.

Now the baby is about 3 months old. B only lets A see the baby once a week under her supervision completely reasonable.

She was slagging A off as a father saying he should give her more money. How he never buys anything for the baby. He's not bought her anything so far!!! How she can't trust him with the baby. And how it frustrates her that he goes out on a Saturday night for a few drinks when he could give that money to her for the baby very unreasonable.

B then apparently went mad and hasn't let A see the baby this weekend. All very childish very unreasonable.

She also isn't breastfeeding so there is no reason why the baby cannot go with A there is every reason she doesn't yet want to be parted from dc.

You did the right thing and she is being unreasonable over some of what you have told us. However some of what you have told us is absolutely fine and she shouldn't be criticised for it.

Laiste · 27/01/2019 20:45

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon - It A's first dc and the snip is called for!! Really??

No it's not his first child. He's got DC already and A was a one night stand.

justthecat · 27/01/2019 20:46

You did right,she sounds hideous , god help him and his dc

TulipsInbloom1 · 27/01/2019 20:47

It's not his first child and he knows what he's doing We have dcs. He's great with them

In fairness to her if it was a one night stand then she can't possibly know this.

Laiste · 27/01/2019 20:50

She's been called hideous, a 'right one' and mental so far on this thread.

What names shall we call B for having unprotected sex with this woman?

MissB83 · 27/01/2019 20:50

I also agree with other posters that once a week supervised contact is a reasonable level of contact between a non resident parent and a 3 month old baby. Not breastfeeding isn't the only factor why a mother wouldn't want to leave her (almost) newborn baby alone with the father particularly given the circumstances that they weren't in an ongoing relationship when the baby was conceived.

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