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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think I shouldn't of sent this?

68 replies

coplings · 27/01/2019 20:19

But if background so not to drip feed....

Dh and I have a close friend who last year had a one night stand and got the girl pregnant - not great but anyway. I'll name him A.

She was thrilled. I'll name her B.

A did his best to support B throughout her pregnancy. She didn't really involve him which is fair enough but he was there when B needed him. She didn't want him at the birth either and wouldn't let him see the baby until she was 2 days old.

Anyway I was pregnant at the same time as B. I've never met her. Wouldn't know her if she was stood in front of me.

But anyway me and A went on regular shopping trips buying things for the baby etc. B asked A to buy a lot of things as she couldn't afford much and he was happy to do so.

Now the baby is about 3 months old. B only lets A see the baby once a week under her supervision. Not sure why. It's not his first child and he knows what he's doing.

A is always buying things for the baby and also pays maintenance.

Anyway the other day I saw a post on my local mum and baby fb group. As I was reading it, I realised it was B's post.

She was slagging A off as a father saying he should give her more money. How he never buys anything for the baby. He's not bought her anything so far!!! How she can't trust him with the baby. And how it frustrates her that he goes out on a Saturday night for a few drinks when he could give that money to her for the baby.

The post was also extremely outing. She didn't name him but she named his place of work, his other child, his hobbies, his earnings and that he's rubbish around kids - he's not. We have dcs. He's great with them.

I screen shotted the post and sent it to A. I felt so angry at this post.

A is a very calm person so it didn't anger him but he did tell B he knew about the post.

B then apparently went mad and hasn't let A see the baby this weekend. All very childish.

Was i BU to send the post onto A. He's my good friend and I felt he should know what's been written about him.

She actually got a fair few people saying she sounded 'money grabbing' on the post too so I can imagine she's not in the best of moods right now.

I know there is 2 sides to every story but her side simply was not true.

OP posts:
Original poster
coplings · 27/01/2019 20:50

Ffs Where have I said she's wrong for not letting him at the birth!??? I haven't. And I don't think for one second she should!!

I'm saying it because he wanted to be there! Not because she's a bitch because she wouldn't let him.

He wanted to be involved all the way and she hasn't let him. That's fair enough and I get it. I get it 100%

But now babies here it's all about money.

Like I said, there are 2 sides to every story but A came round for tea tonight and showed us the messages.

She's all nicey nice asking him for stuff. She will send him messages thanking him too with loads of kisses.

OP posts:
Original poster
coplings · 27/01/2019 20:51

@Laiste it wasn't unprotected.

OP posts:
Original poster
coplings · 27/01/2019 20:51

B said she was on the pill but they still used protection.

OP posts:
southernetter · 27/01/2019 20:52

I think you did the right thing. How horrible that she now won’t let your friend see his baby. He sounds like a very good dad. I don’t have any advice but I hope this gets resolved and he is able to gain regular access to his child. I think he may need to seek legal advice if she continues to deny him access

YogaWannabe · 27/01/2019 20:53

He says all these things OP. Lots of men say the same.
You’re being naive and blindly biased.

Original poster
coplings · 27/01/2019 20:55

I actually think one a week is really sad. Especially when the non resident parent wants more.
Surely both parents should come to A more fair agreement as the non residential parent is missing out on so much and not by choice.

A is only allowed one hour a week and that's all.

I totally get B doesn't want to leave the baby but she has to get to know A. This is what A wants. They are always going to be in each others lives. They might as well get to know each other more - just not in a romantic way.

OP posts:
aethelgifu · 27/01/2019 20:56

He needs to get a DNA test. Bet the kid's not his.

Original poster
coplings · 27/01/2019 20:56

@YogaWannabe no I've seen proof. It's not always the mans fault you know

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Original poster
coplings · 27/01/2019 20:57

@aethelgifu I've never seen the baby but plenty of pictures. She does look very much like him but we have been pushing him to do a dna. He will be gutted now if she isn't his

OP posts:
perfectstorm · 27/01/2019 20:59

I think he needs to try the mediation route, and then if that doesn't work, court. What a shame, as that tends to get positions entrenched, but he needs some sort of schedule of contact. It all being on her sayso isn't sensible long term. With any luck, mediation will bear fruit though.

When they're very small the usual routine is little but often, so I can see why once a week isn't seen as ideal. It would be nice if it could be two or three times a week, to help build the relationship. But three months is tiny, so I don't see that much of an issue over her wanting to be there, either. As time goes on he should get more contact, ending up, hopefully, will large blocks.

A lot of casual affairs result in men who resent the CSA minimum, and have no interest in contact. It's a shame she's so difficult (and I agree, from what you've said, she is) but I'm very, very glad for the baby that she has a father so engaged, involved and loving, despite the difficult situation. It's hard on everyone. Hopefully it will calm down as the time passes and everyone gets into a routine. Apart from anything else, single parenthood is hard, and as time goes on she may well be relieved to have someone who wants to take their toddler for a weekend, so she can sleep party a little.

elliesm98 · 27/01/2019 21:00

Omg who does she think she is not letting him see the baby till it was 2 days old?!

Oswin · 27/01/2019 21:02

Ellie I'm guessing she thinks she's the person who created and birthed the child. She obviously wasn't up for visiting straight after. That's fine.

TulipsInbloom1 · 27/01/2019 21:03

Omg who does she think she is not letting him see the baby till it was 2 days old?!

Possibly a woman who has had a horrific birth, hemmoraged, had a c-sec, had to be stitched, has struggled to bf, needed a blood transfusion
Any of those could mean that she isn't quite ready or even alert enough to do anything apart from get to grips with a new born.

YogaWannabe · 27/01/2019 21:04

I think it’s much more likely that he’s spoofing than that she decided to have a big false rant on a Facebook group, presumably looking for advice.

GloryforGloves · 27/01/2019 21:06

Omg who does she think she is not letting him see the baby till it was 2 days old?!

I genuinely can’t tell if you are being sarcastic or not?
Day zero - women gives birth after x hours labour.
Day one - women relaxed and bonds with child she just spent x hours birthing.
Day two - women introduces child to father who has not had involvement in pregnancy.

You really think that’s an unreasonable amount of time to wait?

perfectstorm · 27/01/2019 21:07

No issue with a woman who's just given birth needing a couple of days. It's not like the baby would know or care, and at that stage, the mother's welfare and the baby's are one and the same.

Original poster
coplings · 27/01/2019 21:11

The thing is, you could turn this around and say 'he didn't show up to see the baby until she was 2 days old'. That's not the case. He went to the hospital and waitied outride for a while and her mum told him to leave. This was after the baby was born.

He's really done his best here. I'm not doubting her as a mother. I'm not slagging her off. I just don't like the way she is treating my friend.

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perfectstorm · 27/01/2019 21:11

Incidentally, OP, how do you know she was. "thrilled" to be pregnant? That's a rather weird reaction to a one night stand conception.

Also think your husband's ex and this woman sound really alike - isn't it you with the step-child whose mum constantly lies to get money from you "for the child" when actually it's for holidays or treats for herself, or is that someone else?

Shame. Most single mums I know really struggle to get the bare legal entitlement, yet your DH and his best mate not only give loads more than the bare entitlement, but are resented and lied about, and played to extract more. I always thought women like that were urban myths!

importantkath · 27/01/2019 21:13

Is it her first child OP? She sounds incredibly stressed, tbh. You are right, they do need to get to know each other but I imagine having to do that whilst getting to grips with a new baby would be incredibly overwhelming and emotional.

I think a lot of patience is required here.

E20mom · 27/01/2019 21:14

I'd have done the same. It's being a good friend.

Bluntness100 · 27/01/2019 21:15

Are you saying she was on the pill, he used a condom, and she fell pregnant after they had sex once?

This is very very unlikely.

YogaWannabe · 27/01/2019 21:16

Wow very well spotted perfectstorm

Have they any other friends OP? Can you set me up?

WorraLiberty · 27/01/2019 21:21

She's been called hideous, a 'right one' and mental so far on this thread.

What names shall we call B for having unprotected sex with this woman?

A father who is trying to be a good parent to his child?

GloryforGloves · 27/01/2019 21:21

Are you saying she was on the pill, he used a condom, and she fell pregnant after they had sex once?

I get the impression that OP is saying A ”said” she was on the pill and B, being the considerate, honest and sensible man his is used a condom regardless and it just so happened to fail.

I’m not sure what all this money-grabbing is about by the way OP? Is B with several DC to pay out for particularly rich?

Original poster
coplings · 27/01/2019 21:21

Haha yes but they aren't the same people. She was apparently told she could never have children hence the reason why she was thrilled. Don't know if there is any truth in that or not but it really doesn't matter either way.

As for my previous post - surprisingly the ex admitted whah she did, felt guilty and gave dh the money back cash during one drop off for dss. So fair play to her for that. Wasn't expected at all.

OP posts:
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