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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

He doesn't want a family?!

79 replies

MummaBear120613 · 27/01/2019 15:34

Last night my partner and I were at a dinner party with friends. Long story short a friend decided to show us this 'ring trick' that supposedly shows how many children you have / are going to have and if its a boy or a girl.

It was all light hearted fun as it 'guessed' accurately of what a couple of people had and any who.... I took a turn, because you know, all for a bit of fun and it said I'd have one boy (which I have now) and a girl.

I didn't think anything of this, as I said above it was all just a bit of fun but my partner lost it completely. I can't even explain to you the dagger eyes he shot me from across the table and he even announced that having a child would be a 'deal breaker'.

To be honest I'm really hurt by his extreme reaction. Having another child isn't exactly at the forefront of my mind as I'm happy with how our family is at the moment, but the way he spoke about it all was really quite devastating.

AIBU to be upset by this? Should I just accept that a child should be a 'deal breaker'?

OP posts:
Seline · 27/01/2019 15:36

Had he ever mentioned this before? If you knew he didn't want kids then YABU but otherwise you're not.

formerbabe · 27/01/2019 15:37

How long have you been together?

Original poster
MummaBear120613 · 27/01/2019 15:39

@seline - No he hasn't ever said this before :(

@formerbabe - Just over 4 years

xxx

OP posts:
cheeseislife8 · 27/01/2019 15:40

Sounds like it might be time to have an honest conversation about this. It's a big thing not to be on the same page about

Lavenderee · 27/01/2019 15:42

Blimey. What a horrible moment.
I’d ask him why he’s never said this before.

And question what you’re going to do now. He’s literally just said he’d ditch you, your son, and his baby if this should ever happen.

Seline · 27/01/2019 15:43

You need to talk to him about it. Before you do this have a think about whether having another child is important to you and if it is, how much does it matter.

Subtlecheese · 27/01/2019 15:46

Well. You know where he stands on it. That and bringing up very personal conversations in embarrassing situations (that and sounds like your average controlling sort).

MumW · 27/01/2019 15:46

You need to talk to him about it. Before you do this have a think about whether having another child is important to you and if it is, how much does it matter.

And asuming you have a sex life, what you would both do if you had an unplanned pregnancy.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/01/2019 15:46

After 4 years together, how could you not already know that this is how he feels?

Original poster
MummaBear120613 · 27/01/2019 15:50

@aquamarine1029 because he's always said in the past how much he loves me, wants to get married and have our own family... This sudden change of heart is all new to me.

He also still hasn't proposed, claims he hasn't got any money for the ring (which I told him I don't care about an expensive ring or wedding, it could be a Haribo one and I'd still be chuffed) but whilst declaring he is skint he came home recently having spent £2,000 on a drone... A DRONE you guys! He cares more about his man child toys than me and our family :( :(

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 27/01/2019 15:53

I'm sorry op, but he has clearly had a massive shift in how he feels about your relationship. I think you have some very big decisions to make. Don't waste any more of your life on someone who isn't invested in you.

GreenTulips · 27/01/2019 15:53

he even announced that having a child would be a 'deal breaker'

Why did he feel it necessary to say this in front of friends? Why not wait til your alone for a decent chat?

That’s the real issue - he’s embarrassed you and I would put up with it

Normandy144 · 27/01/2019 15:53

I'm not sure i follow. He already has a son, why does one more matter? Is he not your sons father?

LovingLola · 27/01/2019 15:53

How are your finances generally?
Do you work ?

Fairylightfurore · 27/01/2019 15:57

You say another child, do you already have kids? His reaction speaks volumes. He is telling you he doesn't want kids, and not in a very sensitive way. Talk to him.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 27/01/2019 15:57

I'm sorry OP, it really doesn't seem like he's in this for the long haul.

Original poster
MummaBear120613 · 27/01/2019 15:59

@Normandy144 No, he is not his dad. He comes from a HUGE family with loads of brothers and sisters, he's always spoken highly about having a family of his own which is why even more so it's all come as a surprise.

OP posts:
Original poster
MummaBear120613 · 27/01/2019 15:59

@LovingLola Yes we both work full time

OP posts:
Yabbers · 27/01/2019 16:03

Why did he feel it necessary to say this in front of friends? Why not wait til your alone for a decent chat?

Yep. Doesn’t matter what the issue was, I’d LTB for doing this. What a tosser.

juneau · 27/01/2019 16:04

Time for a serious chat and for you to make a serious decision about the future. If you want more DC it sounds like you may have to move on from this one.

Highonthehill · 27/01/2019 16:05

Op you have posted about this before.....

If he doesn't want a child but you think you might you either need to deal with the fact that it won't happen or you need to leave him.

Also if he is spending 2k on a toy does that affect the family finances? If it dh spent 2k on a toy without discussing it I would go ape. It might be his money but we are In a partnership so major purchases are discussed

cuppycakey · 27/01/2019 16:06

I would LTB over the drone tbh.

AllSuits · 27/01/2019 16:08

The fact he behaved that way infront of friends needs addressing.

THEN the big discussion. Do you want another child?

BarbarianMum · 27/01/2019 16:08

Right so he doesnt want to marry you and he doesnt want any children. He's saying that loud and clear. Question is, why cant you hear him?

Original poster
MummaBear120613 · 27/01/2019 16:09

@highonthehill - This is only my second thread, yes I requested advice AIBU advice when he first bought home the drone but never about not wanting children as this only happened last night.

Yes it does as he gets out loans / CC's to buy all of this stuff. I even found out the other day that we don't have home or contents insurance, something that he's been telling me for years he's been paying for. My fault for not checking but obviously I trust him when he tells me he's sorted it. So it feels like he's prioritising toys over essential bills for our home and family.

OP posts:
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