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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

He doesn't want a family?!

79 replies

MummaBear120613 · 27/01/2019 15:34

Last night my partner and I were at a dinner party with friends. Long story short a friend decided to show us this 'ring trick' that supposedly shows how many children you have / are going to have and if its a boy or a girl.

It was all light hearted fun as it 'guessed' accurately of what a couple of people had and any who.... I took a turn, because you know, all for a bit of fun and it said I'd have one boy (which I have now) and a girl.

I didn't think anything of this, as I said above it was all just a bit of fun but my partner lost it completely. I can't even explain to you the dagger eyes he shot me from across the table and he even announced that having a child would be a 'deal breaker'.

To be honest I'm really hurt by his extreme reaction. Having another child isn't exactly at the forefront of my mind as I'm happy with how our family is at the moment, but the way he spoke about it all was really quite devastating.

AIBU to be upset by this? Should I just accept that a child should be a 'deal breaker'?

OP posts:
Original poster
MummaBear120613 · 27/01/2019 16:11

@barbarianmum When you put it like that I feel like a fool, I know you're right. It's just a painful realisation when you love someone x

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 27/01/2019 16:11

So he's also unreliable, a tad stupid, and quite selfish. And you want marriage and children with him because....

BarbarianMum · 27/01/2019 16:12

Sorry OP that was a crosspost, didnt mean to pile it on. But honestly, you could do so much better. Flowers

GrandmaJane · 27/01/2019 16:13

I’m sorry.
You don’t need to talk this through. He has shown you what he thinks of you, and of your relationship. He has also shown everyone else how little he thinks of you.
Disentangle yourself from this man immediately.

Thank you for posting. I was weakening, about someone I know, but you reminded me of the devastating truth of the immediate response.

BarbarianMum · 27/01/2019 16:15

Its OK to love someone and know they're not a keeper. That doesnt make you a fool. But it's foolish to try and make someone your life partner just because you love them. Other things - what theyre like - matter too.

Right, I'll shut up now.

Pollaidh · 27/01/2019 16:15

OK so he's lying and irresponsible too re: the insurance. This alone would be a deal breaker for me, you could lose everything. Sorry OP, he sounds like an idiot and I think you'd be better off out of there.

Original poster
MummaBear120613 · 27/01/2019 16:17

@barbarianmum 💖

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 27/01/2019 16:18

I don't think I'd want a baby anyway with someone that lied about the insurance and spends so stupidly. That tantrum at a dinner party would be another big negative. He doesn't sound like a keeper/potential good dad.

MrsTerryPratcett · 27/01/2019 16:23

I'm with Barbarian he's just not a keeper.

I had one of these. Gorgeous, funny, irresponsible and feckless. I wasted a few years on him. He talked a good game about kids but when it came down to it, he just wasn't responsible enough.

I'm sure he's still in a flat share, drinking too much, shitty job he's too good for.

Boysey45 · 27/01/2019 16:31

A fucking drone for 2 K!!!.
Look hes not interested in marrying you or having children with you.Thats really clear. You now have to decide what you want to do.

Original poster
MummaBear120613 · 27/01/2019 16:36

It's awkward because whenever we have a fall out he wakes up the next morning like nothing ever happened. Take today as an example, its like he has no recollection of kicking off about a baby or even us having the discussion... I know I need to talk to him about it but I just need to get my head around the fact that he's 10000% going to make me out to be the bad person in all of this.

Also, I HATE confrontation. Before you say it, I know I'm an adult and I just need to suck it up but it just makes me feel uncomfortable (I'm sure it does everyone)... I just don't know if I should tell him that I thought he was out of order last night or go for something as extreme as an ultimatum (i.e. we actually get married and seriously discuss children) or if I don't even bother with the ultimatum and just end it.

I guess either way we're in for a rather unenjoyable conversation tonight :(

OP posts:
Travisandthemonkey · 27/01/2019 16:38

Sadly he is a child in a mans body.
When someone tells you who they are
Bloody listen

Dvg · 27/01/2019 16:44

Sounds to me like he doesn't want to get married and he doesn't want a family with you :( sorry OP but I wouldn't take it another way

MulticolourMophead · 27/01/2019 16:46

I wouldn't bother with an ultimatum. If, when you talk, he makes the necessary changes and proposes of his own accord, it'll mean something. If he agreed to marry you after an ultimatum, you just know that if you ever argue in future, he'll hold it over you.

But to me, his actions don'tfit with the idea of someone who wants to marry you and have DC. Sadly, I think you'll need to move on from this bloke.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 27/01/2019 16:51

Aww MummaBear you sound really sweet, and I feel for you, his outburst was very cruel. However, @BarbarianMum, is spot on, when a man tells you who he is, listen up.
Don't even think about marrying this twonk, you are worthy of so much more, and so is your Son.
This isn't going to get any better, and you can't brush it under the carpet, so sort it out Lovely.

nutbrownhare15 · 27/01/2019 16:52

I posted on your other thread. Sadly, you don't want the same things in life. He has pretended that he does but you know better now. Even if he pretends to listen/change I think you know in your heart of hearts that he won't. Good luck with the conversation tonight, ultimately o think you know you need to end it so I would focus on how that will work practically for you and your son.

Original poster
MummaBear120613 · 27/01/2019 16:59

Thank you all so much, really appreciate that you've all taken time out of your day to read my predicament and get back to me. Really honestly appreciate your thoughts and advice, thank you xxx

OP posts:
Ladyoftheloch · 27/01/2019 17:00

I don’t think it necessarily needs to be a confrontation OP. He was an arsehole last night but I would set that aside for the sake of having a serious conversation about what you both want from life. If you want marriage and more kids and he doesn’t, it’s important that you find out now. You don’t want to waste any more time on him if he’s never going to want what you want.

MumW · 27/01/2019 17:03

Better the heartache of a breakup now than the heartache, regrets, resentment when you're older and look back on the life you hoped for and the life you opt into.

Good luck. Flowers

SusieOwl4 · 27/01/2019 17:04

Why would he make you out to be the bad person ?

You say he had discussed marriage and children so why would it be your fault to assume he was telling the truth ?

It’s an easy question , why did HE say what he did ? If it’s a deal breaker for him then you are entitled to say it’s a dealbreaker for you that he has never told you before.

Don’t assume you will change his mind in the future either , and to say it at a dinner party ? Sounds like he wanted you to look small.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 27/01/2019 17:06

Hi OP

I know you want to get married. But do you still want that knowing what you've recently found out? Would you want to marry someone so irresponsible with money who doesn't see it as family money and is getting into debt for non essential purchases? Do you want further children with someone who changes his mind about major life decisions and doesn't tell you then gets angry about it in front of your friends? Do you want to build a life with someone who lies about buying insurance to protect the family and instead spends cash on a drone?

I'm sorry OP it sounds like this relationship has gone down hill

Lovemusic33 · 27/01/2019 17:06

He’s basically happy with his life at the moment, he buys what ever he likes, gets away with what ever he likes (because your too scared to confront him) and has no responsibility because there’s no children. Having a child and getting married would change all this and he’s obviously not grown up enough to make this comitement.

You can either carry on as you are hoping he will change his mind or you can leave him and find someone who does want to settle down.

StreetwiseHercules · 27/01/2019 17:06

That’s a real shame. Bin.

category12 · 27/01/2019 17:07

Its OK to love someone and know they're not a keeper. That doesnt make you a fool. But it's foolish to try and make someone your life partner just because you love them. Other things - what theyre like - matter too.

This ^

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 27/01/2019 17:07

It shouldn't have to be a confrontation either. If you've nt had an argument it's just a question - have you changed your mind about having kids, is it likely to change back, why etc