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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

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Original poster

He doesn't want a family?!

79 replies

MummaBear120613 · 27/01/2019 15:34

Last night my partner and I were at a dinner party with friends. Long story short a friend decided to show us this 'ring trick' that supposedly shows how many children you have / are going to have and if its a boy or a girl.

It was all light hearted fun as it 'guessed' accurately of what a couple of people had and any who.... I took a turn, because you know, all for a bit of fun and it said I'd have one boy (which I have now) and a girl.

I didn't think anything of this, as I said above it was all just a bit of fun but my partner lost it completely. I can't even explain to you the dagger eyes he shot me from across the table and he even announced that having a child would be a 'deal breaker'.

To be honest I'm really hurt by his extreme reaction. Having another child isn't exactly at the forefront of my mind as I'm happy with how our family is at the moment, but the way he spoke about it all was really quite devastating.

AIBU to be upset by this? Should I just accept that a child should be a 'deal breaker'?

OP posts:

1MillionSelfiesTakenByMyKids · 27/01/2019 17:15

What's your living situation currently? Do you rent? Mortgage? Are you going to be in the hole for his debts if he buggers off? Sounds like you've had a wake up call just in time to save yourself some serious grief further down the line.

AWishForWingsThatWork · 27/01/2019 17:18

he's always said in the past how much he loves me, wants to get married and have our own family... This sudden change of heart is all new to me.

He also still hasn't proposed, claims he hasn't got any money for the ring (which I told him I don't care about an expensive ring or wedding, it could be a Haribo one and I'd still be chuffed) but whilst declaring he is skint he came home recently having spent £2,000 on a drone... A DRONE you guys! He cares more about his man child toys than me and our family

If you want to marry him, there's been nothing to stop you suggesting you two should just get married.

BUT... he's shown his true colours with his recent purchase and his out of the blue announcement, complete with angry looks directed at you, in front of your friends.

If you want a larger family someday, cut your losses now and get rid of him.

I'd get rid of him anyway for the way he's gone about telling you, humiliating you, and prioritising expensive, ridiculous toys, without input from you, when you thought you were on the road to marriage and more children.

Original poster

MummaBear120613 · 27/01/2019 17:19

@1MillionSelfiesTakenByMyKids We have a house. Mortgage not rent. Yes if we end the relationship I've worked out that after the mortgage and bills I'll have £150 left a month... That £150 would be for petrol, food, if DS needs new school shoes / clothes, any other general living... Zero money for savings. So, if he leaves yeah I'd say I'm probably buggered. But, is that a reason to stay in a relationship? I just don't know anymore...

[Edited by MNHQ to remove RL names]

OP posts:

SuchAToDo · 27/01/2019 17:20

Now that you know he doesn't want a child, you have to ask yourself can you go the rest of your life not ha in any more children just to please him and because it's what he wants (do you see what I'm getting at?...you would be doing as he wants...he wouldn't be doing as you want)

If you can't imagine life without having more kids,and if he rally doesn't want any more kids, then this is probably the point where you tell him goodbye...

You shouldn't have to give up the chance of children because of someone else...if he doesn't want to have kids he should have told you that at the start ...or he should have dated a woman who didn't want kids either...

If it was me I'd tell.him yes it is a deal breaker and pack his bags

MrsTerryPratcett · 27/01/2019 17:20

Can you take in a lodger?

AWishForWingsThatWork · 27/01/2019 17:21

It's not. It's really not a reason to stay ...

Could you get in a lodger or two for the foreseeable future if you told him to go? The income isn't taxed up to a certain point I believe...

Balaboosteh · 27/01/2019 17:22

OP you’ve put your child’s name in your last post. You might want to get that amended. Some good advice on here I think. Sorry you’ve got this problem.

Original poster

MummaBear120613 · 27/01/2019 17:24

@MrsTerryPratcett unfortunately no, our home is just too small. I've even been on Rightmove looking at properties in cheaper areas to see if that would relieve some of the monthly bills but with the cost of stamp duty and generic moving costs the only option is to stay put.

Ugh I feel so guilty that I've even spent time looking at what DS and I could do if this relationship fails, but I'm so so torn. I love him and want this to work more than anything, but I also feel that I need to be prepared should the worst happen.

It all sucks so bad right now.

I'm so sorry for moaning, I really appreciate all of your advice thank you again xxxx

[edited by MNHQ to remove names]

OP posts:

Original poster

MummaBear120613 · 27/01/2019 17:25

@Balaboosteh oh gosh, I just didn't think. And I've done it again. Ugh I'm so stupid. How do I delete my comments?

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratcett · 27/01/2019 17:28

It's not moaning. You're having to make a big life decision.

If you told him what he said last night, and he denies saying it, and you said, "look, you might not remember but you absolutely did say it. We need to talk about it" what would happen?

category12 · 27/01/2019 17:29

You could sell up. Being on the housing ladder isn't everything.

Original poster

MummaBear120613 · 27/01/2019 17:31

@MrsTerryPractcett I imagine he would laugh, he turns into a bit of a child if he's backed into a corner. His go to phrase is 'this is weird' or 'you're being weird' and just keeps repeating it over and over. I think that's possibly why I just let things go a lot of the time, because I don't have the mental or physical energy to have these sorts of talks when I know it'll be me verbally hitting my head against a brick wall over and over again... xx

OP posts:

TheVanguardSix · 27/01/2019 17:31

So he’s previously talked about wanting a big family because he’s from a big family?

He wants kids... just not your kids. He won’t have anyone’s kids while he’s still behaving like one.

Be careful. He’s a time bandit, OP. Correct me but are you 4 years into this relationship? It’s unbelievable that he’d throw down the ‘deal breaker’ card this far in. The response at the party is a strong one. Don’t let his little amnesia game fool you. He let you know exactly where you guys are at. If you want a family, he’s not it, mostly because you deserve much better than someone who’d humiliate you in company, then play the amnesia card next day in the quiet of your own home instead of actually having a proper discussion. What a flake!

MNHQ

LilyMumsnet · 27/01/2019 17:34

Hi OP

You mention your child's name quite a bit on this thread.

Just a reminder, Mumsnet is a public forum searchable and accessible to all.

If you'd like your posts edited, do get in touch.

No pressure though- it's up to you what you share!

CatnissEverdene · 27/01/2019 17:36

DH and I have had many disagreements over the years, and I'm sure they will carry on until we are old and grey. But there is an unspoken rule that we never ever say things in front of other people, no matter how angry or upset with each other we are.

The fact he could do that to you in front of friends? Says a lot about how much he respects you.

Original poster

MummaBear120613 · 27/01/2019 17:37

@LilyMumsnet Hi Lily - Yes please! I'm sorry I just typed away without thinking. Is there a way I can edit his name out of my comments? I've tried to search how to do it but couldn't find a way. I'm so sorry to be a pain, thank you so much xx

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratcett · 27/01/2019 17:40

I imagine he would laugh

He's an emotional cripple. And he actively avoids meeting your needs. Find a way to leave this relationship.

MNHQ

LilyMumsnet · 27/01/2019 17:40

[quote MummaBear120613]@LilyMumsnet Hi Lily - Yes please! I'm sorry I just typed away without thinking. Is there a way I can edit his name out of my comments? I've tried to search how to do it but couldn't find a way. I'm so sorry to be a pain, thank you so much xx[/quote]

Think we've got them all but if we've missed any, just hit the report button above the post and we'll edit it for you.

Original poster

MummaBear120613 · 27/01/2019 18:05

@LilyMumsnet thank you xxx

OP posts:

PerverseConverse · 27/01/2019 18:13

Is this the guy you were hoping would but you a relatively cheap engagement ring but instead he blew some money on something totally different whilst moaning he's skint? Or something along those lines. If it is then I'll repeat the advice you were given last time: he doesn't want to get married or have kids with you and has clearly shown and now told you this. Time to put you and your ds first and end the relationship. Otherwise you'll be back here in a few months saying you're pregnant and he doesn't want to marry you or keep the baby. Good luck OP, you know what you need to do

magoria · 27/01/2019 18:26

So he could afford to buy you a ring. He didn't want to. He wanted to spend his money on a toy for himself. He has no intention of ever buying you a ring or marrying you.

If you try and end things you may get a ring to keep you in line and get you to STFU but there will be endless reasons why you can't actually get married.

Why would you want to anyway. He shot daggers at you over a fun game you were all playing.

You have wasted 4 years on this man.

Don't waste more.

TheVanguardSix · 27/01/2019 18:46

I despair using the ‘he’s gaslighting you’ phrase. It’s become so throwaway BUT the whole ‘This is weird/you’re being weird’ is totally gaslighting.

You’ll be the unreasonable one because that’s how blameless, irresponsible, wha’? Wha’ did I do??? types do. They take no responsibility for their actions and behaviour but dump it all on the innocent party.

‘I’m a drug addict because I couldn’t handle your cancer diagnosis’ types. Extreme example, I know but... cut from the same cloth.

1MillionSelfiesTakenByMyKids · 27/01/2019 18:48

We have a house. Mortgage not rent. Yes if we end the relationship I've worked out that after the mortgage and bills I'll have £150 left a month... That £150 would be for petrol, food, if DS needs new school shoes / clothes, any other general living... Zero money for savings. So, if he leaves yeah I'd say I'm probably buggered. But, is that a reason to stay in a relationship? I just don't know anymore...

Yeah. No. That's the opposite of what I mean. You said he spent 2k on a drone on credit. Is that joint credit? Has he got any debts jointly/in your name? He sounds like a chance and if i were you I would make sure my finances were thoroughly locked down, i knew what benefits and breaks I might be entitled to, thrn I would think carefully whether there are more pros or cons to being in a very precarious situation with him.

1MillionSelfiesTakenByMyKids · 27/01/2019 18:48

Pfft. Bold fail

FrogFairy · 27/01/2019 18:58

He is not a keeper for several reasons you mention here (and probably several more that we don’t know about)

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