To not want my kids to fall In love with their family?

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Have name changed for this because it's quite outing.

So I have 3 teenage kids 14,15,17

Their dad left me for another woman when I was pregnant with dd14. He was physically and mentally abusive to me and would never let me leave or see my family, so when he walked out and left I was almost glad.
Over time he saw the kids but he was very unreliable and would be more interested in seeing me then the kids when he did turn up.
Never had Maintenance from him although from time to time he would help me out with things that I needed ie beds, fridge freezer and stuff for the kids ect, but only if I slept with him, at first I refused but then I was desperate and had no one to help me. So eventually I caved and would sleep with him for the kids stuff, I felt disgusted with myself but I had no choice it was the only way at the time. This went on 5 years and in that time I had a nervous breakdown and went on to take anti depressants for 4 years!

Then he went to prison for a couple of years I could breath again. I was working and bringing the kids up by myself and for the first time I felt strong, and most importantly I was back in contact with my family and living close by to them , with their help I was in control of my own life.

Friends told me the ex was out of prison living with some girl and they had a baby on the way.i hopes and prayed that he would forget about us and just get on with my life,they kids were growing up and I just loved it being us for.

I've never bad mouthed my ex to the kids and they know who he is and have never showed any signs of wanting to get in touch with him. Until last year! my youngest reached out to him when she became friends with he's niece. He turned up at my door and was making threats and saying that I was trying to make my kids forget about him. This is untrue to some extent. Hear me out though!

Since my ex has been out of prison he has become quite a big drug dealer in he's town with lots of people working for him. He's extremely violent and has put he's ex in hospital. Has had lots of other children with different women and is feared where he lives. Since finding out about all this I've tried to protect my children from him. I don't believe he would physically hurt them but I can't trust him enough to be 100% sure he wouldn't and not just physically but mentally as well. I don't want them to have anything to do with him because I know he will let them down time and time again. But I then I have to remind myself that they aren't small kids anymore, the two eldest are old/mature enough to make their own opinions of him, but the youngest is naive and likes the money that he gives her to treat herself! (He brought her a pair of £900 shoes for Xmas) I can't afford to give her all those things so I'm scared that she will easily be swayed and want to spend more time with him and he's wife.

Ds 16 and dd14 have been spending a bit of time with him too. Yesterday they met he's massive family too because the funeral of my dc grandfather died last week and ex wants the kids to go. Dd17 is adamant she's not going, the other two are going and went shopping yesterday with their dad to get new clothes for it.

Am I being selfish in saying that I don't want my kids getting close to ex and he's family and falling in love with them to the point they want to spend all their time over there? I know I can't protect them forever but I'm so scared of them ending up wanting to live there permanently and then them hating it and wanting to come home and them being made to stay?
Ex always told me when the kids were little that he would persuade them to live with him when their older because he can give them things I can't ie new cars and money 😔

Sorry for the long post I know I've rambled on a bit 🙈
I just don't don't what to do!

Thing is your DD is 14yo and frankly knows fuck all about life.
You are the responsible adult & need to protect her & your other children.
That this is down to you & after all you have done seems most unfair BUT it does give you some leaverage to call upon advice, support & possibly resources.

I second/third contact Women’s Aid as this is a situation - abusers coercing vulnerable adolescents - must occur often and frustratingly after families have relocated and rebuilt their lives.
Take advice from WA.
Yes, Freedom programme for you and you DC to help break any whiff of FOG, rinse & repeat until your waters run clear (!).

Possibly there is an online support forum for teens attached to the Freedom programme or WA. An equivalent to Alateen?

It may be, & I would take advice from both your local WA & domestic violence unit in your local police service, that it would be helpful to refer your selves to the local child protection (CP) team at your local authority. I am cautious about this statement as the words “worms” & “can” come to mind.

Of course, you can ring up the CP helpline - usually 24 hour service, number on the local authority website, - to start the ball rolling yourself. Bear in mind that once that contact is made, social service are legally obliged to follow through and action beyond your control may be taken. Hence my comment about checking in with WA & the Police DV unit first - to take soundings & to help you explore options.

Certainly, collect evidence of his controlling & coercion of your children, his actual & implied threats to you. Everything, every little piddling thing or scrap of evidence. Each item or event on their own may not mean much but taken into account as a pattern paints a different picture.
So, that’s comments, logging of calls in/out, visits to your door etc. Sadly, this you already know.

Also, in all this your mother is a vulnerable adult. Sorry to be so blunt.
So if you need to relocate as a family, she is counted in, e.g. Adult protection.Any mention he makes about your mother is an implied threat as he knows her & about her vulnerability. More evidence.

Again, take advice before you act.
But do not tolerate this situation.

I'm actually now wondering if you live where I do sounds very familiar.

Honestly the pps saying "the police will sort it" have NO IDEA the power such people have. These types have fucking judges in their pockets for crying out loud!

You have to be very canny in how you deal with them.

The only other thing I can think of is perhaps going to the national crime agency (who deal with organised crime) and MAYBE being a witness for them if you have enough info they want. They do run a witness relocation and protection service which would mean new names etc too which would make it much harder for ex to find you. But I don't know the full workings and how much evidence they would want.

Frinstance, I would be most surprised if
the school,
local education authority,
local police,
local drugs squad,
Neighbourhood watch
& local probation service

would be most displeased to hear that a convicted drug dealer was waiting at the school gate. He says he is waiting for his kids, but what else is he doing whilst he is there. Statutory enquires would follow, never mind where the tip off came from.

Likely the school has CCTV for safeguarding purposes so evidence may not be difficult to find.

Ach, sentence logic kaput...

Most surprised...if they were pleased...

Or

the straightforward ‘would be most displeased’.

I rest my case.

I hope that he hasn't gotten inside your daughters' head, to the degree that she won't believe what you tell her about her father. Children are very loyal and want to believe the best of their parents, she also wants a fairytale dad. Also bribes are attractive to teenagers. Maybe you need to get someone (therapist who is specializes in abusive relationships) to talk to her, so that she hears it from a disinterested party and strategies could be used to gently make her understand.

Haven't RTFT as about to go out, will read later, but the gift of expensive shoes rang alarm bells. That is nearly always the first gift given to "bics" (the teenagers who act as runners for drug dealers, so called because they are considered disposable). Google county lines OP. And drug dealers families are at higher risk of being used in this way, and 14 is a pretty average age for them to start wooing them.

It genuinely sounds like a textbook County Lines set up the more I read. Properly worried for you OP; and if you think it is def tell the police for your DDs protection. They will know of him already but not have enough to convict him currently.

Another one here who thought County Lines - might be as its one of the biggest threats to my students lately we have had a lot of training on it. 14 is definitely a prime age.

I have not read this thread past a few comments after my own.

OP do not ring the police. These type of people don’t just get locked up and think “oh I’ll let it go”. He will get people to come after you.

Take your kids, and your mother if you have to, and run. Change your names if you have to. Don’t contact any of your friends or family unless you one million percent trust them not to go back to your ex- and you can bet he will threaten them, offer them money and whatever it takes to found out information about you.

It is a very sad situation but ultimately you need to protect yourself and your D.C.

You need to be very careful here OP.

Graphista is right about that type of person. You need to be very smart if you wanted to escape them They seem to be a big family. I may also have connections like Graphista. The description is familiar to me too. If I am right a lot of people will not understand just what can happen.

It would be very hard to move with a mother needing help. You have also seen that the DCs are too young to cope at ex's level just what people are capable of It would risky to hope that the DC would be able to stay quiet.

Ironically you could move the length of the country and find yourself next door to ex's distant cousin.

I'm not sure telling them everything is a good idea because they will get over the shock whilst your ex works on the them...
And what he's done will become less as their relationship grows.

I don't know what to suggest but I'm sure one day the dc may say... Mums said you did x... Is it true.....

I hope your girls are ok. But please what does a £900 pair of shoes look like??? (Or was it a £90 pair?)

Op I think universal is right about all those people not wanting convicted dealer around school.

I'm sure he's well known as one in community.
I think I'd smile and say nothing to dc right now but make anonymous tip off to the school, council etc and say worried about County lines. Make it sound like another parent or something.

At least try and get police or people watching him, harassing him, questioning him... Keeping him in the his toes... Keep things civil but work like mad to keep on at school. Council police.. Say you have kept copies of your warnings so if something happens to a child at the school, you can show they were all alerted and did nothing

Chilling stomach-churning thought that a father would cultivate or groom his own daughter to get involved BUT she is a conduit to a crew of children who could be recruited or co-erced into a Country Lines arrangement. People do vile things...

Burps’ point about an anonymous tip off about Country Lines & his presence maybe a start. But please do tread carefully.

Thankfully few people have experience of criminal families at this level. I'm aware of the local ones to me they're well known.

Dd was friends with one of cousins dds at one point and I was going nearly out my mind with worry, thankfully it didn't last long.

It's not just drugs, one branch of my family are all high level gamblers and con artists, think "hustle" without the sanitised, "loveable rogue" gloss!

These people are expert psychological profilers and groomers it's how they're so successful.

My branch of the family has nothing to do with that branch now, I have memories of my parents when they were finding it difficult to extricate themselves reminding each other if visiting them not to take purses, wallets, or say anything that might give information that would allow access to bank accounts etc.

My brothers now a police officer and at one point considered working for the organised crime dept but went another direction.

It's less well known that the uk also does witness protection & relocation and it's rare but it does happen.

These kind of people DON'T forgive and forget, they're angry and vengeful and have the power and resources to enact that revenge often without repercussions. That's why op needs to think carefully and consider all options

I'm so worried about you and your family.

I definitely think get the hell out of dodge is the way go. Further away this time. New names if needed. At least make it far enough that it's inconvenient for him if here does find out where you are, to be "visiting" often.