To not want my kids to fall In love with their family?

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Have name changed for this because it's quite outing.

So I have 3 teenage kids 14,15,17

Their dad left me for another woman when I was pregnant with dd14. He was physically and mentally abusive to me and would never let me leave or see my family, so when he walked out and left I was almost glad.
Over time he saw the kids but he was very unreliable and would be more interested in seeing me then the kids when he did turn up.
Never had Maintenance from him although from time to time he would help me out with things that I needed ie beds, fridge freezer and stuff for the kids ect, but only if I slept with him, at first I refused but then I was desperate and had no one to help me. So eventually I caved and would sleep with him for the kids stuff, I felt disgusted with myself but I had no choice it was the only way at the time. This went on 5 years and in that time I had a nervous breakdown and went on to take anti depressants for 4 years!

Then he went to prison for a couple of years I could breath again. I was working and bringing the kids up by myself and for the first time I felt strong, and most importantly I was back in contact with my family and living close by to them , with their help I was in control of my own life.

Friends told me the ex was out of prison living with some girl and they had a baby on the way.i hopes and prayed that he would forget about us and just get on with my life,they kids were growing up and I just loved it being us for.

I've never bad mouthed my ex to the kids and they know who he is and have never showed any signs of wanting to get in touch with him. Until last year! my youngest reached out to him when she became friends with he's niece. He turned up at my door and was making threats and saying that I was trying to make my kids forget about him. This is untrue to some extent. Hear me out though!

Since my ex has been out of prison he has become quite a big drug dealer in he's town with lots of people working for him. He's extremely violent and has put he's ex in hospital. Has had lots of other children with different women and is feared where he lives. Since finding out about all this I've tried to protect my children from him. I don't believe he would physically hurt them but I can't trust him enough to be 100% sure he wouldn't and not just physically but mentally as well. I don't want them to have anything to do with him because I know he will let them down time and time again. But I then I have to remind myself that they aren't small kids anymore, the two eldest are old/mature enough to make their own opinions of him, but the youngest is naive and likes the money that he gives her to treat herself! (He brought her a pair of £900 shoes for Xmas) I can't afford to give her all those things so I'm scared that she will easily be swayed and want to spend more time with him and he's wife.

Ds 16 and dd14 have been spending a bit of time with him too. Yesterday they met he's massive family too because the funeral of my dc grandfather died last week and ex wants the kids to go. Dd17 is adamant she's not going, the other two are going and went shopping yesterday with their dad to get new clothes for it.

Am I being selfish in saying that I don't want my kids getting close to ex and he's family and falling in love with them to the point they want to spend all their time over there? I know I can't protect them forever but I'm so scared of them ending up wanting to live there permanently and then them hating it and wanting to come home and them being made to stay?
Ex always told me when the kids were little that he would persuade them to live with him when their older because he can give them things I can't ie new cars and money 😔

Sorry for the long post I know I've rambled on a bit 🙈
I just don't don't what to do!

He’s contacting your 14 yr old because she’s the weakest link. He got to her when she was 13 so still a young teen, impressionable and vulnerable. I expect part of her is very scared to break contact.

You are her mum. I think you need to do it for her. Can you get some advice from the police on how to do this as safely as possible?

If this drug dealing is so blatant then it's the police who should be on speed dial. Seriously this isn't something you can deal with alone - social services will be very interested too if there's 4 kids in his household.

My cousin knows what the inside of prison looks like and yes my kids have met him but I would never allow them near him alone, nor their second cousins who are also in the trade (no longer illegal drugs exactly, boot legged cigarettes and booze I'm told but my mother). Kids need to be protected and you need to go to court if need be

If you made a request for regular maintenance (rather than £900 shoes) you might find he would disappear.
I would hope this is a 9 days wonder type thing for him and he will bore of them and not call much. He wants his progeny at the funeral for status I would imagine, as there wasn’t any relationship with the grandparent (thanks to him). Women’s aid yes. Even if he went to prison he’d have a lot of friends left behind so I wouldn’t involve the police re the “family business” though I would re any threats to you. Is moving away a possibility if things get worse?

Wow what a nasty piece of work him and his family are. I would support your dd to cut away from him, change her number again, if he comes to your door, phone Police, get a restraining order against him. You need to teach your your dd that she can decide whether she sees him or not, not him. Have you thought about moving away from the area.

@AnoukSpirit everything you've said I agree on. It's always been about power and having a hold over me. I've not contacted anyone because this has only started again since dd got in contact with him in In the summer, she was talking to him for weeks behind my back and it was only when he turned up here that I was told what was going on. In those few weeks he had time to worm he's way in and tell her he's side of the story. I talked to her about him not being a very nice person and that she didn't need to speak to him if she didn't want to. But she was adamant that she wanted to be in his life. Said she's always felt the odd one out with her friends because she had no dad, and that she wanted a relationship with her dad and half brothers. He got there and planted that seed in her head so whenever I've told her he's not a nice person she argues that he's nice to her and that's all that matters!

Yesterday she went with her brother to he's home for the first time, early evening she texted me to ask if she could stay the night, I said no and made her come back. I'm scared that she will want to go forever eventually and I won't be able to stop her.

I need to contact someone to find out if I can get her back if she willingly goes or if she has to stay with me until she's old enough to say she wants to go. He's not on her birth certificate.

"The naivety of some people on this thread is hilarious." Just what I'm thinking! As if the local police don't already know what he is! People like this spend a good chunk of their ill gotten gains on damn good lawyers! Including family lawyers! Plus criminals of this level often have at least a few of the local police in their pay or afraid of repercussions on their own loved ones.

Plus have no compunction with intimidating even killing witnesses. We've had a series of arsons round me recently relating to a turf war between 2 local dealers, police know who's guilty but not enough evidence and no willing witnesses, one of their ex wives has emigrated as her only way to get her and the kids out of his grasp!

"I’d be packing my bags and getting the hell out of dodge, personally" me too! I'd be contacting women's aid and taking refuge with them with hopefully their support in getting far away from this guy.

I can't move, I'm my mothers carer. Plus if I moved he would only find me. I've moved in the past. He found out what town id moved too then asked people on the streets and in shops if they k knew me, he eventually asked the right person who gave the name of my street because they didn't no my full address, he knocked on every door until he found me.

And just to clarify when dd changed her number and he knocked on my door, I didn't know she gave him her new number until weeks later when my other dd overheard her talking to him. When I asked if she was talking to him again she said he was waiting for her after school and she gave it to him to get him to go.

Change your daughter's number. Protect her. She's having to give in to a bully, who happens to be her father, and who will expose her to god knows what.

I'm going to sit down with all 3 of them tonight and tell them the truth, even the stuff that I've not told anyone. And just hope that DD14 doesn't repeat it back to her father 😞 wish me luck!

I hate to be blunt OP, but you need to decide which is worse. Having him bully you, because you’re protecting your children, or picking your children out of the gutter, when he introduces them to drugs and fuck knows what else, with your daughter. They aren’t tiny children anymore. You need to sit them down and tell them what he’s really like or the risk of you losing them will become a reality.

You're being incredibly brave OP and doing everything you can to protect your kids. I hope it goes well this evening

Well done, OP. The potential fall out from telling the truth will be nothing compared to losing a child to a family of druggies. You’ve got through the last few years and there aren’t too many more to go, before all your children are adults. Good luck for tonight.

I think you need to get the older two to help you with this and block his number from her phone.

And just hope that DD14 doesn't repeat it back to her father

TELL HER not to. Tell her that her father was abusive and you're afraid for them and for yourself.

And I agree with Maelstrop. Get your older two on broad and change her number or block him. This is dangerous, and needs to stop.

Report him to Police, problem solved.
Tell the kids what he is like, and about his family. You don't have to have any contact with him at all, btw, just ignore him, block his number.

Weirdly (or perhaps not thinking about it) people like OP's ex are usually adamantly against their own kids using drugs to the point they'll put the fear of God into other dealers not to sell to them.

Can your mother really not be moved with you? I realise very difficult but honestly I think well, well away from this guy would be best.

If DD doesn't want to break contact altogether, can she be like DS and have very low contact?

It's best if she can see that he's bullying her, though, and can stand up to it with your help.

Telling the police @RomanyRoots won't help. There's plenty of others in he's family that will replace him. It's safer to not tell them.

@Graphista your right ex and his family are dead against taking drugs, their devout catholics , don't stop them selling them though.

I can't believe people think reporting to the police will solve the problem! It's more than likely he is already known to the police, and if he finds out you reported him then it's likely to get a lot worse than how he is currently treating your family. And to those saying just block his number and don't have contact, did you miss the part about him coming to OP's house and waiting outside DD's school?

OP, this sounds incredibly tough and sound like a fantastic mum to your kids. I have no more advice on top of what others like Anouk have already said. Please do call one of the advice lines that have been mentioned, they will be trained to support and advise you much better than some randoms on the internet.

Good luck. You're doing the right thing.

BFF's ex was just a 'run of the mill' shit. Absent father, no maintenance, no visits, drank too much, EA. He disappeared when their son was about 5 and showed up again when their DS turned 16 and because the prick was such a smooth talker he thought his dad shat gold doubloons. It was so painful for BFF as she had raised him singlehandedly and had given up so much to focus on his well being. But there really wasn't much she could do but grit her teeth and bear it. Her DS knew his dad had never been around but that didn't seem to make a bit of difference when he decided to show up (because his DS was now old enough to 'party' with-ugh).

Eventually he found out what his dad was really like and cut him out of his life. Yours will do the same at some point. All you can do is be honest and bide your time.

And to those saying just block his number and don't have contact, did you miss the part about him coming to OP's house and waiting outside DD's school?

No, but THAT's grounds for bringing in the police. If he's knocking on the door, you call the police. If he waits outside DD's school, you tell the school that he's not allowed to pick her up.

Yes, it's going to get nasty. But I think there's no other way out of this.

£900 for a pair of shoes for a growing kid!
FFS £900 for a pair of shoes...

Tough times Cartoon.
However much he courts, cajoles or bribes them, nothing changes the value of your love for them. Nothing. Remain steadfast in what you value and who you are.
Do not play the ‘pick me’ dance.
Hold the line as best you can.

He & his lot are warped & depraved.
They are used to doing as they please.
You cannot change them.
Your ex is going out of his way to use your children to flatter his vanity and self-loathing. He’s busting his bits to get them close to him.
But he will falter & fail, as will the half siblings, and your children will be hurt.

They will turn to you.
Be there.

Whoa, missed those updates...

DistanceCall, involving the police would not get OP out of this situation. It would make it far more dangerous for her and her children.