To not want my kids to fall In love with their family?

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Have name changed for this because it's quite outing.

So I have 3 teenage kids 14,15,17

Their dad left me for another woman when I was pregnant with dd14. He was physically and mentally abusive to me and would never let me leave or see my family, so when he walked out and left I was almost glad.
Over time he saw the kids but he was very unreliable and would be more interested in seeing me then the kids when he did turn up.
Never had Maintenance from him although from time to time he would help me out with things that I needed ie beds, fridge freezer and stuff for the kids ect, but only if I slept with him, at first I refused but then I was desperate and had no one to help me. So eventually I caved and would sleep with him for the kids stuff, I felt disgusted with myself but I had no choice it was the only way at the time. This went on 5 years and in that time I had a nervous breakdown and went on to take anti depressants for 4 years!

Then he went to prison for a couple of years I could breath again. I was working and bringing the kids up by myself and for the first time I felt strong, and most importantly I was back in contact with my family and living close by to them , with their help I was in control of my own life.

Friends told me the ex was out of prison living with some girl and they had a baby on the way.i hopes and prayed that he would forget about us and just get on with my life,they kids were growing up and I just loved it being us for.

I've never bad mouthed my ex to the kids and they know who he is and have never showed any signs of wanting to get in touch with him. Until last year! my youngest reached out to him when she became friends with he's niece. He turned up at my door and was making threats and saying that I was trying to make my kids forget about him. This is untrue to some extent. Hear me out though!

Since my ex has been out of prison he has become quite a big drug dealer in he's town with lots of people working for him. He's extremely violent and has put he's ex in hospital. Has had lots of other children with different women and is feared where he lives. Since finding out about all this I've tried to protect my children from him. I don't believe he would physically hurt them but I can't trust him enough to be 100% sure he wouldn't and not just physically but mentally as well. I don't want them to have anything to do with him because I know he will let them down time and time again. But I then I have to remind myself that they aren't small kids anymore, the two eldest are old/mature enough to make their own opinions of him, but the youngest is naive and likes the money that he gives her to treat herself! (He brought her a pair of £900 shoes for Xmas) I can't afford to give her all those things so I'm scared that she will easily be swayed and want to spend more time with him and he's wife.

Ds 16 and dd14 have been spending a bit of time with him too. Yesterday they met he's massive family too because the funeral of my dc grandfather died last week and ex wants the kids to go. Dd17 is adamant she's not going, the other two are going and went shopping yesterday with their dad to get new clothes for it.

Am I being selfish in saying that I don't want my kids getting close to ex and he's family and falling in love with them to the point they want to spend all their time over there? I know I can't protect them forever but I'm so scared of them ending up wanting to live there permanently and then them hating it and wanting to come home and them being made to stay?
Ex always told me when the kids were little that he would persuade them to live with him when their older because he can give them things I can't ie new cars and money 😔

Sorry for the long post I know I've rambled on a bit 🙈
I just don't don't what to do!

Must add aswell the ex's family have not seen or contacted the kids in 9 years, so my kids don't even know them

How awful. I think I would sit them down and have a clear conversation with them about the kind of man their Dad is; the abuse, the violence, the drug dealing. Being sucked into that world could really mess up their lives.

I would say that if they wanted a relationship with him, and all the material stuff, that's fine, but be very aware of the sort of man he is and how unsavoury his world is. And that the money they are getting comes from drugs.

I would also tell them that if they were to live with him then nice families would not let their kids be friends with them or date them.

Op that's so tough. I imagine when they grow up and have their own kids and realise how hard it is their opinions will change. They'll remember who was there for tough times and who just chucked money at them. Would you consider being honest with them and why you left. Even without telling them won't they find out about his current partner

Hes a drug dealer.. get proof i.e text messages and the call the police. Problem solved. Get order an order against him.

Fucking hell. No you are not being unreasonable. What a piece of shit. I think I'd do as previous poster said, sit you kids down and have an honest frank chat with them about who their Dad is.

So many typos 😬 I hope you can read it! Ds is 16 not 15!

They know why we split up and that he left me for some other woman, he's still with that woman and they have 4 children, so my kids have 4 half brothers that they met yesterday 😩

They know what he does. Not from me but from friends and he's told them he's self that's why dd17 has nothing to do with him.

Dd14 and ds16 said that they speak to him to keep the peace,because he tells them that he believes I'm trying to stop them from seeing him, and by speaking and seeing him it shows that I'm not. Ds rarely talks to him let alone sees him but dd14 talks to him over the phone everyday and sees him, she's the one I'm worried about the most. She could be easiest swayed

The drug dealing is a family business. Everyone knows what they do but are to scared to speak out because of the consequences.

@Moominfan I work 3 jobs to raise them, we've struggled over the years but I've slugged my guts out to bring them up to be good people. I'm sure when their older they will see who did that for them. Not the excuse of a father that's for sure.

He's trying to buy them and show them what a "great" life he can give them. And I'm scared they will drop me for him 😢

Yep, get evidence and tip off the police. Problem solved.

"Dd14 and ds16 said that they speak to him to keep the peace,"

But if they know that you aren't stopping them from seeing him & they didn't want to see him, there would be no "peace" to keep.

Whilst I know that contact is supposed to be about the rights of kids, is there nothing about protecting them from drug dealing abusive parents?

My experiences with ex h were that he was a liar and a financial liability. No prison, no gangster, no violence but he was manipulative if he did not get his own way. He believed in male supremacy while sponging from a woman and 2 young DCs.
I got rid when DC were young. He didnt pay CSA, he did nothing for them. The DC were aware of all the nasty things he did.
He reappeared when they were adults and is filling them with lies. Claimed he paid CSA among a whole heap of other lies.
I tried being civil to him when we met but he is still the same piece of rubbish. DCs are hanging on his every word (lie). They also have partners who are similar to ex. DCs work, partners don't.
I have been through too much with the stress of the divorce and associated crap. The DCs surely have the intelligence to realise now as adults that people do not get divorced just for the day out in Court. They are acting just like him now I have no wish to live through any more of this at my age. DCs are grown up and I would have hoped they would have seen through it all. As they have not I keep my distance from them.
Sad but I dont see what else to do

@diddl just after my dd made contact she decided she didn't want to speak to him anymore. She asked me to change her number after 4 days of making this decision because he would constantly call her phone or get someone else to call seeing if she would pick up! I changed her number and the next day he was here banging on my door screaming at me saying that I was try to poison her against him. No such thing, she made that decision! But to keep the peace she gave him her new number so he could contact her.

He doesn't take no for an answer. She opened the door on this and there's no going back.

They've been grassed on a lot but they always get away with it.

One guy grassed on them, they found out who it was and made he's life a living nightmare. Causing thousands of pounds worth of damage to holes house and cars and following he's kids from school.

It's not worth the risk.

I would move heaven and earth to prevent contact with a parent like that without being at all unreasonable. Sorry you've gone through all that OP.

@brizzledrizzle so would I but I feel well and truly stuck.

Do I just let it continue and wait for them to see what he is or do I stop all contact and face the consequences?

the eldest well done to her for making a bold decision you could always get a restraining order so he cant see you or the kids bit harsh i know but may help when my kids were still youngsters they got given the option on seeing their grandmother hubbys mum after things were said and name calling from her regarding the children choose never to see them again. i never forced them they have their own minds.

If you can somehow get some decent info/proof regarding him being a drug dealer I'd have no issue grassing him up to the police.

The consequences could be your or your child(rens) death. Chances are he is well connect to people who can make people go missing without a trace.

I’d be packing my bags and getting the hell out of dodge, personally.

The naivety of some people on this thread is hilarious.

Stop all contact and face the music would be my opinion, particularly if there is concrete proof of his involvement with drugs etc - as he's been in prison he's hardly showing himself to be beyond reproach or a potentially decent parent.

I think in the situation you have described it, you would be right to sit them down and be very honest.l, very frank about the man their father is.

There’s a big difference between bad mouthing a harmless but deadbeat dad and warning and protecting your children from what sounds like a Violent criminal.

Have you had advice support from a domestic abuse organisation? Because that's what's gone on here and is still going on.

Abuse is about power and control. He is abusing your DD by refusing to let her say no and riding roughshod over what she wants.

You say they know he left you for another woman, but have you explained the abuse? Have you explained what abuse is (trying to have power and control over another person by any means necessary)?

Banning contact is unlikely to be effective if they feel under pressure to do what he wants and don't have any understanding of the bigger picture.

I do think this is one of those cases where you're not protecting them by hiding the truth about the abuse. Lack of knowledge of that prevents them protecting themselves and puts them more at risk of his manipulation.

The threats he's making are common to abusers. I can understand why you're worried, but it's important you know these threats are the continuation of his abuse and he is doing it to frighten you into doing what he wants. When he does it to your children he is abusing them.

Your 14 year old sounds like she's under a lot of pressure and afraid to say no even though that's what she wants. If you could help her to understand that he has a long history of coercive control, how that works and how he's used it on you in the past, it could help her to see for herself that he is doing the same to her and she doesn't have to go along with him.

How equipped you feel to have those conversations I'm not sure - have you done the Freeedom Programme to help you understand coercive control and the dynamics behind it? If not it might be a very good time to go on it now. Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

There is a diagram in the FP book that shows the cycle of abuse. It could be one of several things that would be helpful to you in discussing it with your children, and showing what their father is doing.

Alongside this, if you haven't already, I'd be making clear to Dd14 that you're not asking her to take sides, you're not trying to turn her against anyone, and if she doesn't feel confident saying no you will support her. Have you asked her how she feels and how much pressure she's under? (I would also be inclined to say that her father knows you're not trying to stop any of them seeing him, but he also knows that if he makes threats it will scare you into doing what he wants - that this is what he used to do to you, and it's part of abuse.)

I realise you might feel like it seems as if you're trying to turn them against him by sharing the truth, but "knowledge is power". You're not telling them what to think or what to do, you're giving them information so they can better understand the situation and make their own decisions - decisions you will support them with because you're their mum and you love them. If you worried, frame it like that at the beginning of the conversation and again at the end. Make sure they know they can ask questions or return to it later.

If he keeps turning up threatening you all, do you feel able to call the police for help?

And have you contacted Women's Aid for advice on how to manage his ongoing abuse? 0808 2000 247

I agree with KatKat. Not sure the police are a good idea if he is involved with a larger violent criminal family or network.
I also think your children need to know the facts about what a dangerous and abusive man he is to keep themselves safe as they reach adult hood, before they go blundering into a relationship with him without knowing.

just after my dd made contact she decided she didn't want to speak to him anymore. She asked me to change her number after 4 days of making this decision because he would constantly call her phone or get someone else to call seeing if she would pick up! I changed her number and the next day he was here banging on my door screaming at me saying that I was try to poison her against him. No such thing, she made that decision! But to keep the peace she gave him her new number so he could contact her.

Your daughter shouldn't have to "keep the peace" if she doesn't want to see her father!!!!

You need to protect her - what she's learning right now is that she has no right to enforce her boundaries with a man, which is extremely dangerous.

Sit down with your children and tell them the truth - about the drugs, the abuse, everything. Then tell your daughter that she doesn't have to see her father any more if she doesn't want to, and contact the police if her father becomes violent.

He's bullying his way into your family. DO NOT ALLOW IT.

Yes call Women's Aid for advice.