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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want MIL's dog in the house with my baby

81 replies

mamadoc · 02/07/2007 12:21

or is it just my PFB syndrome talking!

said dog is an excitable collie with no manners at all. Jumps up at people, begs at table, all over furniture and beds leaving hair everywhere, howls if left alone.

MIL wont leave it at home cos it chews her house up- Aww she just gets lonely-so wont visit unless dog comes too. I am worried about germs and at the back of my mind it attacking DD (10wks). Frankly even it licking her would freak me out.

DH and MIL think I am unreasonable. Under loads of pressure -you are stopping her seeing her granddaughter. What to do??

OP posts:
krang · 02/07/2007 15:59

It's a shame that your MIL's dog is so untrained, because it's good for kids to encounter well behaved dogs and learn how to behave around them. I am terrified of dogs and don't want that to rub off on DS, so it's good that he's used to the idea of having dogs around occasionally, and maybe when he gets a bit older he can stroke them. He already loves watching them run around the garden. Perhaps you could mention this to your MIL as an incentive for getting the dog trained properly? (Not that I'm saying training is ever a substitute for close supervision, by the way.)

MARGOsBeenPlayingWithMyNooNoo · 02/07/2007 16:03

No - if she cannot put the time and love into training her dog not to jump up/howl etc then your MIL should not bring it around. TBH I still don't think she would understand your reasons though.

Original poster
mamadoc · 02/07/2007 16:08

I know I am changing the rules. Feel like it was OK to tolerate situation for an easy life when it was just me unhappy but not willing to take any chances with DD

I do chuck it off sofas and beds in my house and would never feed it from the table myself but feel odd about doing it- sort of like telling off someone else's child

As far as I can control it they won't be in the same room but worried this will mean I'll need to be constantly hovering as I can't trust her to stick to the rules.

OP posts:
FelicityMontgomery · 02/07/2007 16:15

Let her bring the dog but agree strict rules/restrictions first of all.

Dog ONLY to EVER be in the kitchen, get a gate to keep him in there. You can then prevent your baby form ever having to be in the same room at the same time.

Explain how anxious you are, what you are anxious about, but you do want her to come and the dog will therefore only be welcome if the rules are adhered too.

You are then giving her chance the show the dog/baby dynamic can work. And if she doesn't stick to it then you have grounds for refusing.

I see this 'your baby/your house/your rules' thing on MN so often. It really bemuses me. Even if you have a baby you sometimes need to compromise to ensure happy family realtinships and not to be unkind or unfair to others.

I don't think just because you have a baby you can sod everyone else's feelings.

When did that become the general view?

Quite recently I think.

Talk to her, be open, be kind, be prepared to compromise, ask her to compromise.

NKF · 02/07/2007 16:16

What a revolting sounding animal.

expatinscotland · 02/07/2007 16:16

Yuk. Dogs are smelly.

People who take their dogs everywhere they go are demented.

She wouldn't be visiting my home with that ill-behaved dog.

lucyellensmum · 02/07/2007 16:17

your MIL lets her dog on YOUR sofa and bed????? who's house exactly does she think it is? I'm sorry but i would simply put my foot down, i wouldn't dream of taking my dog to inlaws (well we are planning on taking new dog but we will also be taking its cage and he will be staying in it, apart from piddle trips to the garden!)

Cammelia · 02/07/2007 16:18

Change the rules if you want to m, I would.

lucyellensmum · 02/07/2007 16:21

felicity, it is HER house and HER PFB!!! When did having a baby become a reason for putting its needs above everyone elses?? Since i had mine that is EXACTLY what i do - i didnt even stay at BIL wedding reception for longer than 1 hour because the venue wasnt non smoking. Do people think i'm precious - oh well, i'll live with it.

PErsonaly i think the OP has been extremely tolerant, a bloody site more than i would have been and i adore dogs (cant abide bad mannered ones though). It does sound to me like the MIL is using the dog as an excuse to get attention TBH and showing her dominance in the family as everyone seems to have make way for her dog, even though there is a vulnerable new baby in the house. It appears that is not just the dog who needs to learn its place in the pack hierachy (which i cant spell)

3madboys · 02/07/2007 16:27

gahh i have this prob with my inlaws, i am allergic to dogs and so dont want them near me!! yet when they visit they insist on bringing the dog into my house!!! annoying is an understatement!!

luckily the boys arent allergic, but i still dont want them near the dog as they get covered in dog hair which then brings out my allerfy more and i have tonnes of washing to do!

i really dont think its difficult for people to leave their dogs at home, or with friends etc when they visit and when you visit them the dog can go in the garden whilst you are there with the baby!

FelicityMontgomery · 02/07/2007 16:31

I think leaving a smokey atmosphere with a baby is perfectly reasonable.

I think trying to come to a compromise over a sticky issue with a baby's Grandmother is also perfectly reasonable.

i think declaring over any issue, 'it's my house and my baby' regardless of close family members feelings is unreasonable. And possibly, in some situations, unkind.

I agree OP has been very understanding, I'm referring to the general 'do exactly whatever pleases you if you have a baby' attitude that's around.

I may be grandmother one day, I hope my family take my feelongs into account as I will endeavor to do with theirs.

Dawnybabe · 02/07/2007 16:31

This dog is severely mixed up. He doesn't know his place cos he rules the roost at home but gets superceded at yours. He is probably anxious about this and may bite to show authority to ascertain his position. Your mil has committed serious animal cruelty by confusing the hell out of him and muddling up his natural instincts. He needs to be shown that she is the boss, made to sleep in his own space, eat from his own bowl and nowhere else, and understand in no uncertain terms to SHUT UP when told! A happy dog is a dog that knows it's place and has no competition for position.
She seriously needs some training. And then so does the poor dog. In the meantime explain to her that you just can't have it in the house until it behaves itself and that she's got a bloody cheek in even thinking it's alright with a brand new baby about. Sorry to rant but these people really get my goat. They really do give responsible dog owners a bad name.

Original poster
mamadoc · 02/07/2007 16:32

Oh don't even get me started on going to visit her! We are staying with my parents for a week next month and DH did mention we should also stay with her to be fair. I'll have no chance of keeping dog and baby apart on its home turf. Coming out in a cold sweat even thinking about it.

OP posts:
Cammelia · 02/07/2007 16:33

Don't do it.

lucyellensmum · 02/07/2007 16:35

felicity, fair point about the grandmother thing.

A guess another issue is how often does the woman expect to bring the dog into the house, once in a blue moon i would accommodate but other than that, it must be left at home or outside. At home would be better for the dog.

3madboys · 02/07/2007 16:38

seriously its your house and if you dont want the dog in it then say NO!!! last time i compromised and let the dog in the garden and the conservatory, it still upset my allergies so next time they have been told that the dog has to stay with friends or in kennels when they visit.

they werent happy but they want to see the boys and i wrote them a polite but firm letter clearly explaining why i do not want the dog in my house!

i did a thread about it on bmc, i will try and find you a link if you like?

anyway i got overwhelming support, they all agreed that actuallys its quite rude of dog owners just to assume they can bring their dog when they visit!!

i am sorry but its a dog!! end of, she can put it in kennels etc, but you do not have to have it in your house!!

Dawnybabe · 02/07/2007 16:40

And by the way, expat, I take my beautifully behaved spaniel to loads of places, and he is as welcomed and fussed over almost as much as the baby. I live in the sticks and people tend to have dogs for work, etc, so I guess we are used to them.

FelicityMontgomery · 02/07/2007 17:15

Explain your worries to her, then she will ne expected to compromise.

Life is generally so much easier and happy if we all give a bit.

i agree there are some things you will feel you just cannot and will not compromise on (such as smokey rooms) but just wonder if in this case if ceratin limitations were adhered to on her part, you could begridungly accept the dog on some abasis on your part.
Apart from anyhthing else it sounds like your Dh wants you too.

But the give has to be both ways,from her and not just you.

FelicityMontgomery · 02/07/2007 17:18

Exapt I am highly suspicious of people who do not like dogs.

The world is divided into those wholikethem and those who don't.

And those who don't, are wierd.

(To OP though, I do love dogs, parents have dogs, but still think even then you need strict rules with babies and dogs, and they should generally be kept apart or HIGHLY supervised. So YANBU in your fears, but I reckon a compromise could be reached.)

JodieG1 · 02/07/2007 17:20

I wouldn't have any dog in my house. I do like dogs but not in my home thanks, same with cats.

nogoes · 02/07/2007 17:21

Your MIL is being unreasonable. I would not have even let a dog in my house before I had children.

purpleduck · 02/07/2007 18:19

When my dc's were babies, there was no way that I would have a dog in the house....fast forward a few years, and we have two dogs!! I understand both sides, but really, its your house, your baby, so your rules. Let her get a petsitter for the day. Good Luck!!!

Caroline1852 · 02/07/2007 19:20

Your DH can walk the dog whilst him mum sees her grandchild. Dog need not then step over your doorstep. Or whatabout you go and pick her up and take her out for lunch with the baby?

Cammelia · 04/07/2007 12:13

Felicity I am highly suspicious of people who expect me to like dogs.

Caroline1852 · 04/07/2007 13:10

I have had a few bad experience with dogs and I am therefore untrusting of all dogs.... especially where my children are concerned. I have this same problem with my SIL - she is invited to stay but her dog is not invited and she clearly thinks the dog is more important than her family as she says that she can't come without the dog and it is "out of the question" for the dog to go into kennels! We have even offered to pay for the dog to go to a local kennel and drive her there and back twice a day whilst she is staying so that she can walk the dog. I think she thinks the we are being unreasonable but in fact she has only had the dog for about a year and it was specified from the rehoming kennel that the dog should not go to a family with children . The dog must be muzzled at all times when out. The other day the doctor called to her and the dog was barking like billy oh in the background and the doctor refused to come in unless she locked the dog away and she said she couldn't as he could open the doors! Why do dog lovers think everybody else should love dogs. I like dogs but am just very wary of them and don't want them sniffing my children, jumping up, shedding hairs on my nice clean floors (or beds!) or barking and frightening everyone. Surely that is not too much to ask?