to not want MIL's dog in the house with my baby

[mamadoc]

or is it just my PFB syndrome talking!

said dog is an excitable collie with no manners at all. Jumps up at people, begs at table, all over furniture and beds leaving hair everywhere, howls if left alone.

MIL wont leave it at home cos it chews her house up- Aww she just gets lonely-so wont visit unless dog comes too. I am worried about germs and at the back of my mind it attacking DD (10wks). Frankly even it licking her would freak me out.

DH and MIL think I am unreasonable. Under loads of pressure -you are stopping her seeing her granddaughter. What to do??

No you aren't. I am generally a doggy person rather than not, but no poorly trained dog has a place in a house with a small child in it. Especially if the dog is also over-indulged as it sounds.

My parents have a jack russel who they love to bits (so do we as it happens) but it was not allowed anywhere near my children when they were babies without being firmly restrained.

What happens on Mondays? Why can she leave the dog then but not on other occasions? I was under the impression that she never, ever left the dog and you'd be asking her to do something alien to her but, if she does leave the dog sometimes, it puts a different light on it. It suggests to me that she'll leave the dog if it suits her but not out of consideration for you and your baby. That seems a lot more unreasonable to me!

I have 2 dogs and I would never leave either of them alone with my ds. One's a labrador who is fantastic and the other is a Jack Russell, also fab but not to be trusted.

My JR chews my house BUT it is my dog and, therefore, my responsiblity. Wht can't she crate the dog when she leaves it as we do to stop the chewing. My JR loves it as he knows when we get home we are always pleased to see him as he can't have done anything naughty!!

Our dogs also only allowed in the kitchen (baby gated off)not allowed in the living room because of the yucky hair thing.

Mu mil smokes, yes outside, and smelt of fags when she held my ds1 which I absolutely hated. I am now pregnant again with ds2 and are going to have to face this battle again as have become more stronger over my views.

Your child, your house, you decide what is acceptable for you and your family.

Its your house and therefore you (and dh's) rules so regardless of whether you have a small baby or not you are not unreasonable if you don't want such an out of control dog in it.

I think you nee to talk to dh about this before her though as its important you can find a compromise you agree on. Leaving it outside is a good one. You could always get it a kennel (if you can afford it) so she can't go on about it having nowhere to go.

And you're not stopping your mil getting to know her grandchild. She is stopping that by refusing to be reasonable and respect your wishes. For the record I would feel exactly the same and I like dogs and have no negative experiences of them.

I agree with whoever said your mil is not a good dog owner. she is neither good for the dog nor good for the people around her. people like her give dogs and their owners a bad name and make dog-lovers like me mad. she needs to tackle the chewing thing and the barking thing (long term I know, maybe she is trying...). it's just not tenable to have a dog that won;t be left alone at home and which refuses to be sent into the garden/kitchen for an hour. My brother has an excitable dog but it's no excuse - consistent care and training and huge amounts of exercise, along with reasonable expectations of the dog, especially round children, means said dog is never a problem/never put in a situation where it might be. she needs training classes. (they are as much for the owner as for the dog...)

can I ask if the thing gets walked much? does it get walked whilst she's staying with you? A collie needs a lot of exercise and if it's not getting any that will be part of the problem. you should build into your compromise an agreement that it gets plenty of walks whilst she's staying.

also - don;t worry about germs and hairs - difficult if you're not a dog person I know, but from what you;ve said these are the least of the problems - your dd is pretty unlikely to pick up anything truly nasty from the dog.

YANBU! I wouldn't have the filthy critter in my house, baby or otherwise...

Does the fact that she can't get anyone to look after the dog for love nor money not tell her that the dog is not well behaved and therefore cannot be relied on not to bahave erratically which would be dangerous to your dd?

She is prioritising her dog over her grandchild and like I said before it's her stopping the relationship with your dd not you!

I think now I have DD I need to be a bit more direct with MIL along lies of my house, my rules. Was never that happy about dog but have always avoided confrontation in the past- coward.

DH often feels torn. She is on her own and lonely hence dog he is eldest son and IMO she uses him as husband replacement sometimes eg phones him up at work a lot which I find weird.

Both of us feel a bit sorry for her as ex-FIL and BIL treat her badly but maybe time to lay down some ground rules.

So she is lonely. Yes that makes me feel sorry for her too but it still doesn't make it right for her to not understand why you don't want her dog in your house. You have compromised in the past but dd is now your priority not her. Sure there are nicer ways to put it but if she doesn't like it then tough!

Maybe when you discuss it with dh though you could go on about how you understand its hard for her blah blah blah before explaining clearly why you are not happy with the current situation and need his support on this

Yuck,

I love all pets but NOT an OTT dog,

You should record some 'dog whisperer' or 'dog borstal' programmes to watch while she is visiting you

Dog defo sounds dominate, which is a very bad thing.

Your house your rules, tho sadly not that easy especially if DH is unwilling to back you up.

Agree you have to be firm about your house, your rules, and gently suggest that dog may need some training if no-one is prepared to look after it. Not fair on the dog, really. to treat it like this, and certainly not fair on you or your dd to bring it into the house all day.

Interesting point made below about whether it gets enough walks - collies are working dogs and being idle isn't good for them IIRC.

hatwoman- dog has never been trained at all as far as I know and is very spoilt.

It was inherited from my BIL when he left home. He is similarly overindulged and badly behaved! She is sort of an accidental dog owner and I think this is a lot of the problem

i wouldn't want it either

I wouldn't have that dog in my house even without a baby!

It's not YOU that's stopping her seeing your baby. SHE chooses whether she leaves the dog or not or whether her gc is more important than the mutt.

Leaving it in the garden sounds like a compromise. If you dh sides with his mother maybe ask him how he would feel if the dog did harm the baby, there's always a risk, is it worth it?

Agree with Hatwoman - collies are bred to work all day and have boundless stamina. The chewing is down to boredom and lack of exercise. Your MIL sounds a nightmare dog owner and I wouldn't want it in my house. It also sounds like the dog has alpha maled your MIL - sleeping on the bed and jumping up are signs of the dog being in control not the owner so make doubly sure it goes no where near your DD.

If your DH is being a wimp get him to have a look at this (it is not for the fainthearted btw): www.dogbitelawsuits.com the pics are graphic but should give him an idea of the damage a bite can do to a child.

you can make your longer-term points as ones that benefit her - if she is lonely wouldn;t she prefer a dog that is a loving, loyal obedient and trustworthy companion? rather than one that is difficult, isolating, bored, chewing and widely considered a pita? dogs are brilliant companions - and there's no reason why this one can't be. buy her some training lessons for her birthday - seriously she won't regret it.

Your MIL has an animal that she is second place to in her own house. This dog sleeping on the bed and jumping up is bad news all round; it's never been told whose boss and as such rules the roost. Poorly trained animals like this can become tetchy if not downright dangerous.

Your house, your rules. Your DH should be siding with you on this issue.

Why on earth does yoru DH think you're being unreasonable?. Sounds like the man needs to grow a backbone and stand up to his Mother for once.

You are not being unreasonable. It sounds like your MIL dog could do with learning some manners. Collies are working dogs and they get BORED when left alone, not lonely. Has she tried leaving him with chew toys, maybe even in a dog cage - brilliant things they are, just brilliant. It is not your problem that your MIL dog suffers from separation anxiety.

I understand your fears regarding DD safety, but from what you say i would be more worried about a misplaced paw than anything else. Is there the possibility of the dog being in the garden when it visits? As long as the dog is healthy and wormed regularly i wouldnt wory too much about germs to be honest. Our old rottie used to regularly wash dd ( i was very worried about this dog - different story though).

You are not stopping her see her grand daughter though as she is the one making the choice not to come if she cannot bring her dog or at least teach it some manners.

My mum's dog has no manners, therefore she leaves it at home, she takes it for a ten mile trek (no really she does, and shes 73!) and then leaves it at home.

hatwomans suggestion of some training lessons are a brilliant idea - they will be great fun and of much benifit for MIL.

When I had my ds1 I could hardly bear my own dog in the room never mind anyone else's - you are not being unreasonable.

Sadly we don't have our dog any more but I did spend the first two years of ds1's life vacuming the house twice a day to ensure he never had a single dog hair on him!

We also had a collie who behaved in a very similar fashion and absolutely hated ds1 ( although never so much as curled a lip at him).

In the end we had our dog re-homed as we didn't have time to walk her or give her the attention she needed and she was terrified of the tumble drier which was on about twice a day. We sent her to the border collie trust who re-homed her carefully with a lady with experience of dogs who was at home most of the time to care for her. It was a difficult decision but at the end of the day by keeping her we were thinking of ourselves and not her wellbeing.

A collie needs to be exercised twice a day and if it is chewing her house while she is out is obviously not a happy dog.

My BIL had a golden retriever and it loved his step children and they loved the dog. No problems until one day it chewed off some of the boys head. It did turn out that it had developed a tumour, but seriously, I would never leave a child alone with a dog, even before this happened.

It sounds like you need to sit down your husband and your mil, explain to them how this makes you feel. If there is anything decent in them, if they have just an ounce of respect for you, they will understand and help come up with a solution.

Loving the lessons idea- perhaps she will meet some dog loving man or at least new friends and solve 2 problems in one go.

For now I think I will talk to DH and try to get him to agree to dog staying only in garden/ kitchen and phone her himself to tell her.

I'm glad dog loving people also think this is not unreasonable I was worried it was just my not being a pet lover generally.

Sounds to me as if the reason why you?re being perceived as being unreasonable by your mil/dh is because you?ve allowed the dog into your house in the past? And now you?ve changed the rules because you?ve had a baby? It also sounds as if your objections are partly based on your fear of dogs rather than anything else.

But your mil/dh are also being unreasonable by suggesting that you are preventing the relationship between your mil/dd.

But the fact you have allowed the dog in in the past makes things very difficult now that you suddenly no longer want that to happen any more.

this dog does sound truly badly behaved but tbh the reason for that does not lie with the dog it lies with the owner. If the dog has never been shown who is boss then he will find his own place in the pack and if your mil hasn?t put him in his place then he doesn?t know that he?s supposed to be bottom of the pecking order. The dog (and owner) would certainly benefit from some training, but if that is not possible then you would certainly be well within your rights to lay down the rules in your house, ie no dogs on furniture/in kitchen/up at the table, and you can enforce this yourself, when dog gets on furniture remove it and tell it ?no? very firmly. You don?t have to be its owner to discipline it, it will learn that you are higher than it in this particular surrounding and in time its behaviour should change when in your house. Just because it?s allowed on the furniture at home doesn?t mean that should apply in your house. You could also insist it be kept on a lead at all times, and even if the lead is not constantly held by your mil it will be there so the dog can be grabbed quickly if its behaviour becomes annoying.

If it?s not an aggressive dog then it?s unlikely to suddenly attack your dd. Yes all animals can be unpredictable, but presumably you have no intentions of leaving your dd unsupervised with the dog so that shouldn?t be an issue. Also, hairs really aren?t going to do your dd any harm. There is a lot of research that shows that children who come into contact with animals from an early age are much less likely to develop asthma and other allergies.

I do believe that a compromise is the best solution, I do realize that it?s annoying, and tbh I do think that your mil has a bit of a cheak insisting she bring the dog in the first place, I have dogs (one of which is a guide dog and the other a retired guide dog) and I wouldn?t even assume that I could just show up at someone?s house with them and they are impeckibly behaved, but considering she has obviously taken this stance it would be much better to compromise than to all fall out over it imo.

no you are not being unreasonable - but considerable diplomacy is clearly called for. Personally, I would want to build a sturdy kennel and enclosure at the bottom of the garden, (MIL couldnt accuse you of not trying then, could she?!) and ban the dog from coming into the house.

willmouse, i think you made the right decision regarding your dog, i just wanted to say so. We had similar worries re our rottie, we were looking to rehome him when the poor sod got bone cancer and died. My DP was set against rehoming our boy but when he bit my eldest DD (17yr) i put my foot down. In his case too he was biting because she trod on the poorly leg, although we wasn't aware at the time, what if, god forbid it had been DD2 (2yr!!!) he had snapped at, even though it wasnt his fault it would have had devestating results, DD1 had to go to hospital for a stitch. I tried to make the very point you did to DP though that at the end of the day our poor old dog was a dog and yes he had had a rough start in life, he was a rescue dog with a questionable background (we took him on before we knew we were going to have DD) and yes he craved company but although he loved us, he would have settled into a new home and had a better life for it as i no longer had the time for him to give him what he needed.

A dog should NEVER be left alone with small children no matter how trusted and well behaved the dog is because a dog only has one way of defending itself if in pain, frightened etc and that is with its teeth.