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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I won't make it to the wedding in time

77 replies

Weddingtravelissues · 27/01/2019 04:29

Firstly, I know it's an invite not a summons, but I do want to go.

A good friend has organised her wedding for May in London (a 2-hour flight or 10-hour train from where we both live - I don't fly as I have a horrible phobia of it but no-one other than DH knows as I'm too ashamed to tell anyone).

I'm a teacher currently on maternity leave with DC3, who will be 5 months at the time of the wedding. The wedding is scheduled for literally the first weekend after my mat leave finishes (horrible timing) and of course in my job can't get any extra time off.

I'll need to take DC3 with me (breast feeding) but think it would be very unfair to take the two older kids (4&5) - 20 hours on a train, 2 nights in different hotels, one day keeping quiet at the wedding and then back to school on Monday - recipe for disaster.

I'd need to ask to leave school early on Friday to travel (missing final class of the day which is a horrible way to start back and massively frowned upon), DH would have to take time off work to bring me DC3 and get DC1&2 from school. DH would stay at home as no-one else to look after older kids.

I'd arrive just in time for the wedding, and have to leave immediately on Sunday morning to get back to school on Monday. I'd be looking after DC3 on my own (though admittedly they are quite easy at that age), I wouldn't know anyone at the wedding apart from bride and groom, honestly I'm a bit miffed that I'd be going all the way to London -rare treat- and wouldn't have time for anything else at all (not that that should be a factor), not to mention the exorbitant cost of the whole expedition.

And of course it's going to be very difficult to explain to my friend as the whole thing would be much easier if only I was willing to fly down.

So basically I don't know how to deal with the whole thing. I really want to see her get married but the whole weekend sounds like an absolute nightmare. What shall I do?

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 27/01/2019 04:35

Does she have children?

I can't imagine asking this if a good friend and being annoyed if she said it was too much. Even more so, when you have children yourself.

What would her reaction be if you said you can't make it?

Original poster
Weddingtravelissues · 27/01/2019 04:36

Sorry, just realised that the title is a bit misleading - blame my current sleep-addled state!

OP posts:
OMGithurts · 27/01/2019 04:37

If you really want to go, could you extend your mat leave by a week? Failing that unless you can get over your fear of flying, I don't think you are going to be able to make it. I don't think you would enjoy it anyway, by yourself with a baby. Just save the money, send a nice gift, meet up some time and watch the wedding video with her.

Birdsgottafly · 27/01/2019 04:38

As for the 'two hour flight', it's still four hours ish, which isn't fun with a starting to crawl baby.

Going back to work will be an adjustment and you might feel drained.

Original poster
Weddingtravelissues · 27/01/2019 04:50

She doesn't have kids but she's very understanding and I know that she would be absolutely lovely about it if I explained the situation to her.

But I don't want to admit to her that I don't fly, and it would be such a shame not to see her wedding. (also, yes, by the time travel to and from airports and waiting time is factored in its a lot more than 2 hours!)

Unfortunately can't extend mat leave - I had to go off work quite prematurely as I struggled with the pregnancy, and that week in May was already the absolute latest I could leave it.

If only I could get the Friday off work, it would make the whole thing so much easier Sad

OP posts:
Charlie97 · 27/01/2019 04:58

Don't go, explain nicely she'll
understand. The logistics do not work out, it's like that sometimes!

HPandBaconSandwiches · 27/01/2019 05:04

I think you owe it to your friend to explain. Why are you ashamed of your phobia? It’s not your fault!

Have you considered trying one of the British Airways Flying with Confidence courses? Or similar with a local airline? Not necessarily for this but to help you be able to travel in general.

You could always take the train with the baby (are there any sleeper trains?) and your DH take the kids on a plane. But otherwise I think I’d just be honest with your friend, send a lovely gift, and make a date to watch the wedding video with her afterwards.

Please just tell her the truth. A phobia isn’t just being scared. It’s not something you can just “get over” and if she’s any decent friend she’ll understand.

RLABC · 27/01/2019 05:58

It seems quite obvious that you can't go so I'd avise you to tell her why. Be totally honest, as you have here.
I have a phobia about driving/being driven (basically, any road travel outside my local area - 10 minute drive).
Many years ago my best friend was organising her wedding, desperately wanted me to be there and I'd have absolutely loved to have gone but, it was a 6 hour drive away (no rail or flight options). I knew that I wouldn't be able to make it but felt too silly admitting why so I made up an excuse. My friend accepted it but I just know that she was totally disappointed in me. The friendship has never been the same since Sad

Original poster
Weddingtravelissues · 27/01/2019 09:40

RLABC so sorry to hear it, did you ever tell her the truth later on? I was considering using an excuse to get out of it; in my current position lying seems more attractive then admitting my phobia Sad

OP posts:
Clionba · 27/01/2019 09:43

Don't go.
It's going to be too stressful. She'll understand, long journey, wee baby, just back at work etc.
Meet up later in the summer.
Your phobia is your business, but don't be ashamed of it.

balls2DWall · 27/01/2019 09:44

arrange to meet and tell her face to face so she can see how desperatly you do want to go but cant with your phobia. talk it out and arrange to do a meet up after the wedding to celebrate. dont email or text .. meet up. good luck!

RLABC · 27/01/2019 09:47

@Weddingtravelissues No I didn't. It was never mentioned again but things were not the same after. I just really wish I'd been upfront about it at the time. The silly thing is that I know she'd have understood but I just couldn't admit that my phobia controlled my life so much.
If she's a good enough friend to want you to be part of her big day then I'm sure she'll understand. Flowers

MrsJayy · 27/01/2019 09:49

I probably would say no im sorry friend I won't make it , where do you live that it takes 10 hours on the train that is madness

D3adPh0n3 · 27/01/2019 10:05

Can you attend the hen party instead ?

Clionba · 27/01/2019 10:11

Hen party is still the same distance, and she has a breast fed baby.
Just give it all a miss. Like I said, meet up in August when you're not at work.

ChipsAreLife · 27/01/2019 10:15

You should be ashamed about your flying phobia. A lot of people are and I think most people get why.

Have you spoken to your school about it? See if there is any chance you could leave early and take it from there? If not could you travel halfway after work and then stay overnight and then travel the rest the morning?

Clionba · 27/01/2019 10:19

I'm guessing the school would have to pay for a Supply teacher and may only have the budget for sickness/emergencies.
OP must live up beyond Inverness, it's a heck of a journey.

ChipsAreLife · 27/01/2019 10:22

Shouldn't be ashamed I meant! Sorry!!! What a bad typo!!'

SinglePringle · 27/01/2019 10:24

If you’re that far north, can you get the Sleeper down from Fort William? Gets in to London around 8am.

Charlie97 · 27/01/2019 10:24

@ChipsAreLife I'm sure you mean shouldn't be ashamed?

CottonSock · 27/01/2019 10:24

No way I'd go.

Charlie97 · 27/01/2019 10:24

@ChipsAreLife cross post, sorry!

SometimesMaybe · 27/01/2019 10:29

Why don’t you start fear of flying classes or counselling. See this as an opportunity to conquer your fear ?

Mabumssare · 27/01/2019 10:33

I am guessing you must be in the north of Scotland for it to be such a long journey ? And bride is from there as well ? So I'm guessing other guests will be in the same position and bride must know that by having the wedding far from home some people will be unable to come even though they would love to. I have 3 kids one of which is just little. No way I would travel all that way with him and completely stress myself out the week I went back to work and possibly unsettle baby even more after first week in childcare. You don't need to day anything about flying just say you are so sorry to miss it but logistics with little ones and the distance just make it impossible. I understand you would love to go but I'm sure we have all missed out on a few fun things will our babies were wee. Xx

LoniceraJaponica · 27/01/2019 10:40

“which isn't fun with a starting to crawl baby.”

At 5 months?

“But I don't want to admit to her that I don't fly,”

Don’t be silly. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. If I had invited you and you had given me a weedy and implausible excuse not to go instead of telling the truth you would go down in my estimation. I really detest lying. It is not an admirable trait.

I don’t think a sleeper is an ideal solution. The bunks are very narrow. Where would the baby sleep? Also it costs £££££.