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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I won't make it to the wedding in time

77 replies

Weddingtravelissues · 27/01/2019 04:29

Firstly, I know it's an invite not a summons, but I do want to go.

A good friend has organised her wedding for May in London (a 2-hour flight or 10-hour train from where we both live - I don't fly as I have a horrible phobia of it but no-one other than DH knows as I'm too ashamed to tell anyone).

I'm a teacher currently on maternity leave with DC3, who will be 5 months at the time of the wedding. The wedding is scheduled for literally the first weekend after my mat leave finishes (horrible timing) and of course in my job can't get any extra time off.

I'll need to take DC3 with me (breast feeding) but think it would be very unfair to take the two older kids (4&5) - 20 hours on a train, 2 nights in different hotels, one day keeping quiet at the wedding and then back to school on Monday - recipe for disaster.

I'd need to ask to leave school early on Friday to travel (missing final class of the day which is a horrible way to start back and massively frowned upon), DH would have to take time off work to bring me DC3 and get DC1&2 from school. DH would stay at home as no-one else to look after older kids.

I'd arrive just in time for the wedding, and have to leave immediately on Sunday morning to get back to school on Monday. I'd be looking after DC3 on my own (though admittedly they are quite easy at that age), I wouldn't know anyone at the wedding apart from bride and groom, honestly I'm a bit miffed that I'd be going all the way to London -rare treat- and wouldn't have time for anything else at all (not that that should be a factor), not to mention the exorbitant cost of the whole expedition.

And of course it's going to be very difficult to explain to my friend as the whole thing would be much easier if only I was willing to fly down.

So basically I don't know how to deal with the whole thing. I really want to see her get married but the whole weekend sounds like an absolute nightmare. What shall I do?

OP posts:

Gresley · 27/01/2019 11:11

Again, why are you putting yourself through this? It's not as if you're her only friend or her sister. Just say you can't make it, and don't even bother to tell her about the phobia. Tackle that another time, if ever.

It's not fair on you or your children to go through with this. Tell her you are breastfeeding and would be unable to travel so far with the baby, and tell her about the travel making it impossible to fit in. Tell her straight away and don't lose any more sleep over it. It's not worth it. She doesn't sound a very close friend anyway.

diddl · 27/01/2019 11:11

Wouldn't you be needing time off on the friday even if you were flying?

In which case it surely just isn't doable as you can't get the time off?

MrsJayy · 27/01/2019 11:12

Just say you don't want to go say you don't want to humph the baby all that way then leave it at that it is always going to be a pain for somebody to get to a not local wedding and unfortunately this time it is you. It takes me 5ish hours to get the train to London from Edinburgh and ive still got to get to Edinburgh i think 10 hours would be over my limit!

Eattothebeat · 27/01/2019 11:13

I am completely bewildered as to why you won't say you've got a phobia of flying. I have a phobia and I am always telling people about it. It's not a big deal at all. Yours is a perfectly common phobia that lots of people have and there's no reason to hide it whatsoever.

MrsJayy · 27/01/2019 11:14

Then you need to get home again for Monday bugger that!

Seaweed42 · 27/01/2019 11:15

You are putting yourself under an awful lot of pressure.
Someone who wasn't afraid of flying would seriously consider not going either. It's just very tough to go anywhere alone with a 5 mth old breastfeeding baby. 10hrs there and back on a train, even if you did fly airport delays that 2 hours could be 6 hours each side.
If you go on your own, you'll literally hardly speak to the bride for more than 10 minutes because she'll be trying to talk to everyone. You'll be back in your room/hotel going to sleep at 8pm that night while everyone else is dancing the night away.
That's the reality of it, it's not Cinderella missing the Ball. Cinderella didn't have a husband and 3 small kids and a breastfeeding baby and a 10 trip each way.

CowesTwo · 27/01/2019 11:17

It’s just too much hassle. Don’t put yourself through it. Just tell her it’s too much for you, if you don’t want to tell her about your phobia.

Incidentally, my OH had a mother who couldn’t fly, and refused to seek any help for it, so the fa ily never had overseas holidays, plus she wouldn’t go Ona boat either, and there’s a bit of resentment still from the siblings.

Rooberoobe · 27/01/2019 11:22

May not be able to financially but I was not ready to go back after my mat leave. Child had a few issues so wanted to be there. I took an extra month off unpaid originally requested parental leave because my employer was still paying my mat cover until the holidays anyway. There are so many weeks you can request before your child reaches a certain age.
Could you possibly as for two weeks parental leave covering the week before and after the weeding? You could then take the older DC and DH and make a weekend break of it.

AWishForWingsThatWork · 27/01/2019 11:22

I would just send my regrets and a lovely gift if she's a good friend. Sometimes you can't be where you'd like to be.

Mabumssare · 27/01/2019 11:23

Statutory Maternity Pay (SMP) is paid for up to 39 weeks. You get:

90% of your average weekly earnings (before tax) for the first 6 weeks£145.18 or 90% of your average weekly earnings (whichever is lower) for the next 33 weeks

www.gov.uk/maternity-pay-leave/pay

Rooberoobe · 27/01/2019 11:24

And I’m sleep deprived from said child hence appalling spelling mistakes ask not as And wedding not weeding!

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 27/01/2019 11:27

You say your friend is understanding, just tell her the truth.
You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, phobias are not a choice, maybe now you can consider addressing the issue.
OP, even if you enjoyed flying, I think you've presently got enough on your plate.
The sooner you tell her, the sooner you'll feel better.🌸

PavoReal · 27/01/2019 11:34

There was a thread on here the other day about the worst wedding you’d been too. Mine was where I didn’t know anyone else. A 10hr journey (is this best case scenario? Possibly longer knowing British Rail) then having to make small talk or stood on your own for the best part of the day (albeit with your DC3). So exhausting. I’m sure the wedding will be lovely but the bride will have no more than 5-10 mins at best with you unless it’s a very small affair. As someone suggested up thread, celebrate with them in August instead? Take them out for a meal, that would be lovely.

HermioneWeasley · 27/01/2019 11:36

If there’s no way you can start back a week later then I think you’re just going to have to send your apologies

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 27/01/2019 11:42

RVSP sorry can’t make it due to logistics with children

Then it’s done. Stress over.

Send her a beautiful card and a present or cash and a sorry I would loved to have come bouquet of flowers with the RSVP.

Ethel36 · 27/01/2019 11:45

I would tell the truth about your phobia. Don't go.

SaturdayNext · 27/01/2019 11:54

Might the school agree to extend your maternity leave for one more week on the basis that obviously it's unpaid?

Have you looked into Fear of Flying courses?

cricketmum84 · 27/01/2019 11:57

@Mabumssare yes correct. However you can take a further 13 weeks maternity leave unpaid after the 39 weeks of statutoryZ it's known as additional maternity leave. Your employer can't stop you taking AML but your employment rights aren't as protected after this period so you don't get things like childcare vouchers and pension paid during the 13 weeks and there is nothin to say you have to return to the exact same role.

flowery · 27/01/2019 12:01

”Statutory Maternity Pay (SMP) is paid for up to 39 weeks. You get:

90% of your average weekly earnings (before tax) for the first 6 weeks £145.18 or 90% of your average weekly earnings (whichever is lower) for the next 33 weeks”

And? Why the lecture on maternity pay, which there was no dispute about?

You said:

”Statutory mat leave is only for 9 months it's up to employers if they offer a further amount of unpaid leave”

Which is nonsense. It’s not remotely “up to employers” whether they “offer” the rest of the 52 weeks, it’s a statutory requirement to do so.

Winds me up no end when clueless people give legal advice on a subject they know nothing about, and even more so when they are unable to admit they are wrong.

cinemalover · 27/01/2019 12:03

@Weddingtravelissues I'm going to be straight with you here- I know a flying phobia is very common and can be unsettling, but you are CRAZY to do 20hrs on a train vs 4hrs flying.

That's absolutely ridiculous and makes no sense? You'll be exhausted and so will your baby!

Honestly if I was your husband I wouldn't even know what to do with you, you can't go on holidays, you'll insist on 4x longer journeys etc it's just stupid.

I think if you want to go to this wedding and have a good time and not feel exhausted you really need to work on this phobia. Get some meds from the doctor to calm you down, nothing will happen on the plane.

I used to have panic attacks about flying when I was at the airport (think shaking, throwing up from adrenaline etc) but honestly once I got on the flight I was fine! It's much worse thinking about it and leading up to it.

Sorry to be so blunt but I needed my parents and my boyfriend to be blunt with me about it to force me on the plane and get over it.

Now I love airports and flying on holiday!

CIT80 · 27/01/2019 12:05

Legally you can take maternity until the day your child turns 1 so there is no reason other than the fact it may be unpaid that you can’t extend your maternity for another week or 2

Mabumssare · 27/01/2019 12:10

Ok flowery sorry read the leave part and the you have to be offered the last 3 month's yes they can't choose not to.

I wasn't offering advice to th OP I was replying to the fact that perhaps she can't take the 52 weeks as the last part was unpaid and some people can't afford to even take the 9 months so it may be a case of that was the limit for her family rather than the school.

flowery · 27/01/2019 12:10

”Legally you can take maternity until the day your child turns 1”

No. You can take 52 weeks. The OP says she started it quite early, so she won’t have until DC is one. But she certainly has longer than until DC is 5 months if she wishes to take it, and she doesn’t need to ask her employer either, she can just notify them.

This is getting off the subject though, and I agree with those who advise OP to tell her friend about her fear of flying. Any good friend would understand.

flowery · 27/01/2019 12:12

If you make a firm statement about what the statutory position is on something, you are giving legal advice.

Gooseygoosey12345 · 27/01/2019 13:49

Can you not leave the baby at home with DH? I know you said you're breastfeeding but you'd have to express for nursery anyway if that's how you're feeding. Then you can just go on your own, not disrupt kids and you get a break. Failing that I, personally, wouldn't go. It would be so stressful and do you really want to put everyone through it?

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