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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I won't make it to the wedding in time

77 replies

Weddingtravelissues · 27/01/2019 04:29

Firstly, I know it's an invite not a summons, but I do want to go.

A good friend has organised her wedding for May in London (a 2-hour flight or 10-hour train from where we both live - I don't fly as I have a horrible phobia of it but no-one other than DH knows as I'm too ashamed to tell anyone).

I'm a teacher currently on maternity leave with DC3, who will be 5 months at the time of the wedding. The wedding is scheduled for literally the first weekend after my mat leave finishes (horrible timing) and of course in my job can't get any extra time off.

I'll need to take DC3 with me (breast feeding) but think it would be very unfair to take the two older kids (4&5) - 20 hours on a train, 2 nights in different hotels, one day keeping quiet at the wedding and then back to school on Monday - recipe for disaster.

I'd need to ask to leave school early on Friday to travel (missing final class of the day which is a horrible way to start back and massively frowned upon), DH would have to take time off work to bring me DC3 and get DC1&2 from school. DH would stay at home as no-one else to look after older kids.

I'd arrive just in time for the wedding, and have to leave immediately on Sunday morning to get back to school on Monday. I'd be looking after DC3 on my own (though admittedly they are quite easy at that age), I wouldn't know anyone at the wedding apart from bride and groom, honestly I'm a bit miffed that I'd be going all the way to London -rare treat- and wouldn't have time for anything else at all (not that that should be a factor), not to mention the exorbitant cost of the whole expedition.

And of course it's going to be very difficult to explain to my friend as the whole thing would be much easier if only I was willing to fly down.

So basically I don't know how to deal with the whole thing. I really want to see her get married but the whole weekend sounds like an absolute nightmare. What shall I do?

OP posts:

BigGreenOlives · 27/01/2019 10:43

Just tell her the truth, much easier than lying long term & even if you could fly it still seems like too far. Is she having the wedding in London to cut down on numbers?

flowery · 27/01/2019 10:48

”Unfortunately can't extend mat leave - I had to go off work quite prematurely as I struggled with the pregnancy, and that week in May was already the absolute latest I could leave it.”

The earliest you can start mat leave is 29 weeks. Surely you can’t have used up 52 weeks by the time DC is 5 months?

Original poster

Weddingtravelissues · 27/01/2019 10:49

She's from London originally, and her fiancé is also from the south, so it makes sense for them to have the wedding there. We know each other from our hobby and she'll be inviting a few work people as well, I think, but no-one I know. So not too many people travelling from that far away!

OP posts:

Aridane · 27/01/2019 10:52

Would medication enable you to fly (lorazepametc)?

Aridane · 27/01/2019 10:53

And don't feel ashamed of your phobia! Your good friend will understand

Iloveautumnleaves · 27/01/2019 10:56

Have you actually looked at the flight times & logistics? You may find it might not work even if you were to fly. Then you can just tell her that logistically it’s just not possible.

If you were my friend I wouldn’t want you worry yourself about it. Wedding days are manic & as nice as it is to have close friends there, it’s not the end of the world if they can’t make it.

However, if you’d really like to go then you should consider this the perfect opportunity to deal with your phobia. There are lots of good courses for it & while you’re on ML would be a good time to do one.

You’re really limiting your whole family by not flying...consider this a gift to them as well as your friend and most importantly yourself 💐

emilybrontescorsett · 27/01/2019 10:59

I wouldn't go. You have said she will understand.

Original poster

Weddingtravelissues · 27/01/2019 11:00

unsettle baby even more after first week in childcare

I hadn't even considered that. No doubt baby will be tired and overwhelmed after first week in childcare.

I really want to use this as an opportunity to make myself fly, though I already tried it pre-baby and ended up missing the wedding as couldn't bring myself to get on the plane. I crawled home feeling like a total fool and had to make up an excuse.

OP posts:

Yulebealrite · 27/01/2019 11:00

Why on earth don't you want to tell her the real reason? She'll understand far more when she knows that is the reason rather than any other spurious excuse.

MassDebate · 27/01/2019 11:00

Are you sure you can’t extend your leave by adding on some holiday? You still accrue it during mat leave, which is often forgotten when calculating a return date.

GabsAlot · 27/01/2019 11:01

just say due to work and the kids u wont be able to make it-im sure she'll unde4rstand it doesnt sound feasible anyway u dont even know if the flights would be timed right

Yulebealrite · 27/01/2019 11:01

Maybe ask her to come with you for a weekend away in advance to try to beat your phobia if you want to.

Believeitornot · 27/01/2019 11:02

Tackle the phobia with professional help. Drugs if need be!!?

Mabumssare · 27/01/2019 11:02

The earliest you can start mat leave is 29 weeks. Surely you can’t have used up 52 weeks by the time DC is 5 months?

Statutory mat leave is only for 9 months it's up to employers if they offer a further amount of unpaid leave. Also depending if your employer pays in edition to the Stat pay some people will be unable to live on only the statutory pay (ie mortgage payments etc)

FlipF · 27/01/2019 11:02

I’d just not go. It sounds like too much of a fuss. I’m sure she would like it if you were there but I’m sure there will be plenty of other friends and family.

Mabumssare · 27/01/2019 11:03

Sorry I can't figure out how to put quotes in italics etc the first part of that was someone else I was replying to

manicinsomniac · 27/01/2019 11:04

Are you starting back at work on a Monday? Depending on the commitments of your maternity cover teacher, is there any mileage at all in asking if you can go back on the Friday before the Monday you are due and have the following Friday off instead?? (long shot, I'm sure!)

The school I work in is very flexible when it comes to weddings and funerals and we are usually allowed to go to them. But we don't use supply teachers (cover among ourselves) so I suppose it's a bit different if there's no cost to the school. But it might be worth you asking? Do you know what the general policy is?

I'm terrified of flying too so get where you're coming from. I will fly if there's literally no other way of getting somewhere but would never consider a flight within Europe, let alone within the UK. I don't see it as something to be ashamed of though. I'll tell anyone I'm scared of flying if it's relevant to the conversation and I've never had anyone be particularly surprised, let alone judgmental. I'm sure your friend would understand.

Mossend · 27/01/2019 11:04

A10 hour train journey to London honestly isn't that unusual. Mine would be 10hrs 15mins with 3 changes and I don't live north of Inverness

mummmy2017 · 27/01/2019 11:05

Why are you putting yourself, Your children and your husband through this?

Just explain to your friend what is happen.
Use the money you save to have a holiday with all your family near your friend at a better time...

Slothcuddles · 27/01/2019 11:06

OP have you actually flown before at all?

Pinkbells · 27/01/2019 11:07

But to be honest it doesn't sound like you do want to go. It's OK if so!

manicinsomniac · 27/01/2019 11:08

SinglePringle had a good idea re the sleeper train?

flowery · 27/01/2019 11:09

”Statutory mat leave is only for 9 months it's up to employers if they offer a further amount of unpaid leave.”

Absolute nonsense. Statutory maternity leave is 52 weeks. If you don’t know employment law at least do the OP the courtesy of spending 10 seconds on google before you give advice on it.

CluedoAddict · 27/01/2019 11:09

There is nothing embarrassing about not wanting to fly. I could never do it but I don't see it's embarrassing.

Pinkbells · 27/01/2019 11:10

PS I get your fear of flying. Every time I fly I am worse than the last time. Last year we had a holiday that was a 10 hour flight away and I was fretting right up to it - then was physically sick both there and back. Recently we got invited to a party at the same place and to my shame I let my husband go it alone using the kids school as an excuse (fines etc as term time). We are supposed to be going back there next year and I think I will need to take a fear of flying course. Could you do something like that, for the next time something like this comes up?

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