Visitors as soon as baby arrives?

[TurquoiseWeekend]

I don't want this to be a MIL bashing thread, I think she's great and other than this one gripe, I have no issues at all with her.
I'm currently almost 36 weeks pregnant and she's just visited for the day. She's around a 4-5 hour drive away, so we don't get to see her too often, but it's always lovely when we do, she makes a lot of effort, but my god, she's a talker. She loves to tell long winded stories and it can be quite hard to get a word in edgeways. That's just her and it's something the whole family laughs about.
She's told us today that the second she hears the baby has arrived, she'll be driving the 4-5 hours here to see us, no matter the time of day etc etc. I've never seen her quite so adamant about anything and she actually said "guys, I'm sorry, you have no say, I'll let you make all the other decisions afterwards and I'll leave you to it after my first meeting with baby, but I'll be there no matter what."
I know she's excited and I know it's not coming from a bad place, but a- I kind of imagined that if everything goes well, we'll have our first night at home just me, DP and the baby, and maybe we'd be able to wait just at least until we'd got the first night out of the way before people start visiting, and b- if we have to stay in, I don't want her having to drive all the way here to come and see us for maybe half an hour in hospital, that's even if it'll be visiting time.
I wasn't planning on even having my mum, who lives 5 mins down the road over the second she finds out the baby is here! I just envisioned us being in a little bubble for the first 24 hours or so and then start with all the visitors.
This is our first baby, so I don't really know what to expect, am I imagining it all wrong? Will i just have to put up with visitors from the minute we're on the ward/going home?
Just read that back... sorry for the essay!!

YANBU! If she really won't listen to reason, the only option is not to tell her the baby is here until you are home and settled and ready for her to visit.

I felt totally different with both babies due to the sort of births I had - so my advice is always to make no promises either way and play it all by ear. I definitely would not want them driving up the moment I was in labour!

Could you get away with not telling her until you've been home for a day?

Just don't tell her when you go into labour.

Just don’t tell her straight away!

This is where you or your DH need to take a breath and say “sorry MIL that’s not going to happen”.

Don’t tell her when you’re in labour and don’t tell her that you’re home until you are ready.

DP said the same after she'd left today "we just won't tell her then," but she's genuinely usually so lovely, I feel like she'd be upset when she finds out baby had been here for a day before she even knew. I'm overthinking it aren't I... she's his mum and he's said to do that so I shouldn't feel bad should I?

OP, I don’t have any babies or indeed a mother in law. I’m certainly not somebody that thinks “ no visitors for a week”. HOWEVER, I think that you have to ask your husband to have a frank word with MIL. You have just given birth to a baby, and your say goes.

She'll let you make the decisions afterwards will she! That's good of her! About your own child! She told you that you have no say!

She deserves a flea in her ear. I would not be telling her I'd gone into labour, not a chance. She's shown you no respect at all

It's not a case of "letting you make all decisions after" you need to get DP to nip this in the bud firmly and quickly! You need to say (or get him to say) we need a night to ourselves we know you mean well but if you insist on this then we will delay telling you about the baby.

You need to have recovered enough to want to see visitors in the first place! We have banned all family for the first 2 weeks as they would have to stay with us!

I had DS2 by section at 10am and had my parents and PILs in around 3pm for visiting. I felt fine, went home the next day at lunchtime and then had sisters and brothers round for visits. You don’t know how you’ll feel - for me with both boys I’ve been better seeing people immediately after, and wanted to be alone by about day three.

If she’s going to completes override your needs after birth, then you won’t be able to tell her about the baby’s arrival until you’re sufficiently recovered to see her.

Yanbu, the first night for me was a big shock and I needed to recover. Just don't announce your arrival until the next day.

I've loved having visitors since though I must admit (ds is 2 weeks old). I really thought I'd be the first person to ask for some space after the birth, I thought I'd struggle to let people hold the baby etc but actually it's been lovely to see everyone doting on him.

I definitely agree, I'm not a no visitors for a week type of person, I just didn't want to feel I was coming home with the baby for the first time and we'd have to sit there and listen to 12 of her long winded stories, when I'm imagining is just resting and looking at this baby we've just had. Even the next day I feel I'd be ok with her driving here.

That's what surprised me- her thinking it was her decision 😂

I would say see how you feel at the time. I had lots of hospital visitors with my first, despite a fairly traumatic birth and being in HDU overnight. I loved seeing people and enjoyed them meeting ds.

With my second people didn't come to the hospital but apparently between all the in laws and DH they thought it would be nice for me to arrive home to a house full of people. I was not amused, especially as DS1 was only 2 and I'd been in hospital for 5 days and only seen him once whilst in there.

When hubby rings her to say you’ve had the baby (which doesn’t have to be straight away, that can be done in your own time) just ask him to say you’re exhausted and want to get home and find your bearings so could she come tomorrow or something like that. I know where your coming from my MIL insisted on coming over at 1.00am when we had got home with our eldest, she was wetting herself to see him which I understand but was a bit much she easily could’ve waited until the morning! Dont overthink it now because these things can be so unpredictable, just discuss your feelings with your OH and see how it pans out at the time. Good luck xx

I agree, you don’t know how you will feel. I had ds at 3am and was clock watching until it was an acceptable time to ring people. I couldn’t wait to tell people and couldn’t wait to show him off. I wouldn’t tell her when you were in labour but I couldn’t lie and not tell her once baby arrives.

I recall in a military hospital, single cabins (Naval Hosp), I had 14 people round on day 2, a lot had come to do their 'duty visits' to other 'wives of'
then gravitated to me, it was great until the noise attracted the Staff and they were unceremoniously thrown out!

Wait and see. You don’t know how you will feel or how it will go. I couldnt WAIT for people to visit and that was still in the hospital! But have friends who couldnt stand it for weeks. Go with how you feel

Fuck, no! It's not her decision - it's yours! And your baby!!!!!!

Because this is MN you will have people encouraging you to stay in your bubble, and I thought that's what I wanted to, and I amazed myself when I wanted to show my baby off straight after he was born and welcomed visitors an hour after the birth.

What I am trying to say is, you don't know how you will feel so I think just go with the flow. She's not doing any harm by meeting him. And I know if my DS has a baby one day I would drive night and day for half an hour with my grandchild.

Ok she is being ridiculous. The most important thing you will need to do after the birth is rest - you and the baby will probably be tucked up in bed for a while and when a baby is newborn there is no way of seeing baby without disturbing mum!

If she is lovely then get your husband to call and say oh mum we hope you understand but obviously sleep will be the priority so please don't just turn up . We will call you once we have both made it through our first night home.

Don't panic. She isn't the one in control here. And don't feel bad about not letting her know...she isn't putting your feelings first!

I've had 3 emergency c sections and even though I was in quite a lot of pain and obviously tired like any new mum didn't mind visitors.
When my sister came to hospital to visit I used that time for husband to help me have a shower.
When family or friends came to the house when we first got back they brought supplies (phoned ahead and asked if we needed anything) played with my other DC, put a wash on and out for me, watched baby so I could have a quick nap.
As long as they aren't expecting you to host visitors might be a help.
But obviously see how you feel and if you are not up for a visit from MIL when you or DH tell her baby is here explain you are not ready for her just yet. You seem like you have a good relationship so this shouldn't be a big thing.
Good luck x

Thing is, you won't know how you feel until you've had the baby.

With DS1, I was in hospital for 3 days, and still in shock and a lot of pain when my family all arrived. They stayed for an hour, and I have very little memory of it.

DS2, I was home within 8 hours and was up for visitors straight away.

The reality is that you'll probably only be able to manage an hour or so, a long way for her to travel for that time, but I do understand how she feels.

I'd wait and see.