Visitors as soon as baby arrives?

[TurquoiseWeekend]

I don't want this to be a MIL bashing thread, I think she's great and other than this one gripe, I have no issues at all with her.
I'm currently almost 36 weeks pregnant and she's just visited for the day. She's around a 4-5 hour drive away, so we don't get to see her too often, but it's always lovely when we do, she makes a lot of effort, but my god, she's a talker. She loves to tell long winded stories and it can be quite hard to get a word in edgeways. That's just her and it's something the whole family laughs about.
She's told us today that the second she hears the baby has arrived, she'll be driving the 4-5 hours here to see us, no matter the time of day etc etc. I've never seen her quite so adamant about anything and she actually said "guys, I'm sorry, you have no say, I'll let you make all the other decisions afterwards and I'll leave you to it after my first meeting with baby, but I'll be there no matter what."
I know she's excited and I know it's not coming from a bad place, but a- I kind of imagined that if everything goes well, we'll have our first night at home just me, DP and the baby, and maybe we'd be able to wait just at least until we'd got the first night out of the way before people start visiting, and b- if we have to stay in, I don't want her having to drive all the way here to come and see us for maybe half an hour in hospital, that's even if it'll be visiting time.
I wasn't planning on even having my mum, who lives 5 mins down the road over the second she finds out the baby is here! I just envisioned us being in a little bubble for the first 24 hours or so and then start with all the visitors.
This is our first baby, so I don't really know what to expect, am I imagining it all wrong? Will i just have to put up with visitors from the minute we're on the ward/going home?
Just read that back... sorry for the essay!!

@Nan0second smart move

Just don’t tell her when you go into labour
Let her know ( when you’re ready ) that the baby has arrived safely
Then if she asks , just say you didn’t want her to be worrying about you and wanted to surprise her with the good news
Ask her to bring some lunch for you all , and you'll see her tomorrow 👍

It's difficult when family aren't on the doorstep.There is a big difference between sneaking a quick peak at the new arrival and having a visitor for hours who talks non stop.I wouldn't have wanted the latter.However maybe it's because I'm a bit older and a grandma-who went to see my new GC on the first day,by invitation,quick cuddle 10 minutes,and it must be a new thing,all the couple's who want their own little bubble.Some not wanting family around for the first week.Or not wanting anyone to see them until fully groomed and pampered.Close family ?OK see how your delivery goes and how you feel let DH tell his mum when you decide.But please remember if she is generally a lovely MIL who would drop anything to help - and there will come a time when your little family unit has an emergency or needs backup- she will be there.Personally I preferred quick visits at first then a few lovely days of peace at home when family had been introduced.

I had visitors 3 hours after ds1 birth it was horrendous. I had to actually stop people coming before that as I was still in the labour suite when I started getting asked if it was ok to come. DS2 was in neonatal and I refused to let any family except dh near him till ds1 had me put him at 2 days old. Mil got to meet him at nearly 3 days old and my mum when he was 5 days (she had the norovirus so couldn’t come near) . Nobody got to see him before my my mum either except a lifelong friend who was at the hospital anyway when he was 4 days old. It was much better and I will be not allowing people to see baby 3 till I am ready either.

I wouldn’t tell her or anyone to be honest till baby is a few hours old.

I think the problem isn't the possibility of her visiting straight away, it is the way she has went about TELLING you.

You now feel under pressure, as would anyone in your position.

It can be lovely having visitors after birth whom you have invited and feel ready for. It's a different matter completely when someone is being demanding and controlling and is basically showing that they will have no consideration for you and your needs, the incubator of the baby, once the baby is born. Her own desires come first.

You have never given birth before. You have no idea how you will feel. Everyone is different.

I find it so weird when a woman who has given birth herself in the past, albeit many years ago, tries this shit when her grandchild is born . Do they forget what it is like? Or are they just to selfish to care?

It's sad because if MIL just waited and didn't come out with such shit, chances are you would be calling her and asking her to visit.

I don't agree with telling the wrong due date or delaying telling her until the next day. I think you need to nip it in the bud now so you're not worrying about it straight after the birth. Get your husband to tell her nicely you will be dying for her to meet the baby but you will let her know when you are ready for her to visit. If she is as nice as you say she is she will understand and will wind her neck in.

She's maybe just very excited and hasn't actually thought it through properly.

It sounds like your husband is a good un anyway and will put your needs first.

I'm still annoyed at my DH for not standing up to his mothers demands and unannounced visits when we had DS last year. Still makes my blood boil. MIL and I got on so well before DS's arrival. In her defence I know she was very excited. Yet it is my own mothers first GC too and she was still able to put my needs first.

Things will be very different if we ever have another. I will be laying down the law myself.

I would prefer visitors at the hospital too and then a break from day 3 as that's when my baby blues kicked in.

Good luck OP.

Definitely don't tell her when you go into labour (I wouldn't tell anyone personally), and then you can see how you feel once baby has arrived.

After my first I was SHATTERED and in agony, getting in and out of the hospital bed took me minutes of delicate manoeuvres! I was in hospital for a day and I categorically didn't want want any visitors then. I was desperately trying to establish BF with a non-latching baby and basically sat there with my boobs out, either trying to attach the baby or hand expressing into a syringe.

IIRC we didn't have visitors straight away when we got home either, I'm sure it was another day before my parents and PIL came to visit, which they totally respected, which is as it should be really!

Second baby I gave birth at just past 6am, was discharged home before midday, and parents and PILs came over at 3pm to say a first hello. Totally different circumstances and I was perfectly fine with the timing of the visit.

Basically, you won't really know how you feel until baby is here, and there are so many variables that will impact how soon you feel happy to be visited. So I totally agree with your DH!

Really, there are far bigger things to be so adamant about. People have visitors when babies are born. It's a few hours, it's what she wants to do.

9 years in I can barely remember who visited when. It really isn't that big a deal.

Yabbers or maybe let the woman who has just gone through labour to decide what she wants to do.

The baby is not going to fly away, visitors can wait until the mother is ready. It's really not a big deal for the visitors, it is for the mum. As you said, no one will remember if the baby was 2 days or 2 weeks old when they met him, so they can respect the privacy and wishes of the parent.

People have visitors when babies are born. It's a few hours, it's what she wants to do.
Wait what?
What "she" wants to do? So?

I let parents visit the same day I had both my babies BUT I had straightforward deliveries and felt ok after, I might not have wanted visitors if I’d had a terrible delivery and you just won’t know that until it happens. Also our parents just came to the hospital for an hour to meet the baby, that was ok but I certainly wouldn’t have wanted anyone staying in my house for the first couple of weeks at least. I think don’t tell her when you go into labour (this is wise anyway, we told both parents as soon as I started in labour with my first and it went on for days and they never left us alone, they were just concerned but I found it really hindered the process feeling the pressure from them!) and then when the baby has been born you can see how you feel. My DH’s brother lives about 4 hours away and when they had a baby we visited after about a week but we stayed in a hotel nearby rather than at their house - totally respected that they needed their time with the baby and didn’t want people staying in their house so early on. We didn’t mind at all. Would your MIL be offended if you suggested she can visit in the first week but stay in a hotel?

15 years on I can still remember my parents attitude to me the day after I gave birth and I'm still fuming. I hadn't slept in days, it was a long painful labour and I got back to the ward at midnight whereupon I was left alone with a bruised and battered baby, I couldn't walk and I had no idea how to feed him. DH finally turned up at 10.30am the next day - I hadn't eaten because no one had explained how to get food and I couldn't move anyway. My parents rocked up at 2pm. We'd seen a couple of paeds already as DC wasn't right. I still hadn't fed him properly either at the point but the midwife who came round help with that popped her head round and said she'd come back after my parents had gone. Except they didn't until 8pm. Again, no sleep, no rest, no food - not enough feeding after certainly not enough cuddling. DH went soon after. It was awful. I should have been resting and feeding and DC should have been receiving care but their needs were far more important and rhey wouldnt take no for an answer.

They did it with DC2 as well - rocked up the day after birth a couple of hours before we'd agreed and then stayed until after DC1's bedtime. And I was livid with DH as well because I'd repeatedly told him to force the issue and he wouldn't - he'd made the arrangements both times.

DM of course stayed in for a week after each birth with the baby in the nursery and brought out for feeding...

Remind MIL that every birth is different and you can't possibly commit to anything. Remind her that the most important thing is the safety and well being of baby and you and that she will be invited to visit as soon as you and baby are ready. Get DP to remind her that this isn't about her.

Due to the circumstances of both my births I didn't have any visitors until the day after they were born, however by then I was desperate for visitors. I couldn't wait to introduce them to my baby and show off at what an amazing little thing I had managed to produce. I was more than happy for them to come to the hospital and visit early on, as then meant once I was home I could say I was having a few days rest and didn't want any visitors which both sides of the family were happy to respect as they had already met their new grand child!
I was initially in a post labour glow of look how amazing my baby is and how amazing I am and I very much wanted to share that with anyone and everyone!!

Personally I'd just put a time limit. When I've given birth and I'm all stitched up and clothed, I want MIL and my mum to visit as soon as they possibly can. They can stay at the hospital (or at home) for about an hour and that's it.

Then I'll want time just with DP and baby.

My MIL lives in the UK and we're in Denmark, so she'd have to take a flight to get here first and my DP knows she'd have to stay at a hotel this time (even though we have the space and that's where she usually stays) because we need to get to know the baby, make sure breastfeeding is coming along nicely, etc. Without any stress.

So I don't think you should wait to let her see her grandchild, but I think you should tell her it's for one hour only.

Simple answer depends on how the birth goes but def no one for first 24 hours. My inlaws had turned up the day after i gave birth to clean, fill the freezer. They put a request in via dh as i was in hospital if they could pop to the hospitalto meet dd for 5 minutes. I said no. They acted as adults and returned home having left clean house full freezer. Two days later i was home and then they popped over (having checked with us first) took us out for lunch, held dd and went within two hours. Any longer would have been too much.

Your baby your rules op. Its such a strange but magical time x

We would like a little bit of time in hospital before everyone turns up, which I have told my DH and he will relay to his family. I've thought about not letting people know I'm in labour but I don't want to do that to my parents. However, I don't want the pressure of family waiting outside to come in whilst I'm not ready. So I'm undecided.
But I do prefer the idea of visitors in hospital, for a few reasons...
People won't stay as long during a hospital visit, and it's less about entertaining them.
Also, we have a dog, who will have to get used to having his little sibling around. Its unfair on humid the house is flooded with visitors whilst he is getting used to the baby. So we are saying no visitors to the home for the first couple of days.

Meant him if, not humid

Let her come. Even if it's only a half hour visit. It's her choice to drive all that way. I see no harm in letting her see the baby for half an hour. I had both sets of grandparents visit in hospital an hour after the birth. They didn't stay long and it was nice to show off the baby.

Smile and nod OP. She's just excited. I'm just she won't really do that.
More likely is that when baby comes and you call her to tell her she's a grandma, visiting times and if you're still on labour ward etc will dictate if you can have visitors.

If you can and want them then ask her to come at the times allowed by the ward. Or she can come when you're home. It sounds like she wants to help and is very excited so dropping the hint that she could bring you a meal/stock up your fridge/ buy the baby something from the local supermarket will make her feel important but will give you back control.

X

My pfb dd is just over two weeks old. My dps were there as soon as she was born and dhs dps on the evening which was lovely as i really really wanted to show her off.

I did have to aunties and uncles show up at hospital unannounced which really fucked me off.

The second day all dbs and dsils came which again was nice then we were discharged on day three.

Day three, four and five it was a constant rotation of visitors and by day five i realised it was really affecting us getting familiar with baby and any routine and i had become quite anxious about her health. I wish i had limited visitors a little at home but was glad our dps and siblings came to hospital.

I don't think you should lie to her. Your dp needs to have the courage to be honest and tell her no visits until you're ready.

For goodness sake do not tell anyone when you go in to labour. I don't understand this at all. I'll tell my mum and dad if we have another as they will be minding DC1.
I wouldn't expect anyone to tell me they have went in to labour. Nor would I want to be sitting at home the whole time worrying. I'd rather get a phone call to say baby here safe and well and mum doing great also.

What @littlemisscynical says, that is why you have labour live threads here, anonymously