Visitors as soon as baby arrives?

[TurquoiseWeekend]

I don't want this to be a MIL bashing thread, I think she's great and other than this one gripe, I have no issues at all with her.
I'm currently almost 36 weeks pregnant and she's just visited for the day. She's around a 4-5 hour drive away, so we don't get to see her too often, but it's always lovely when we do, she makes a lot of effort, but my god, she's a talker. She loves to tell long winded stories and it can be quite hard to get a word in edgeways. That's just her and it's something the whole family laughs about.
She's told us today that the second she hears the baby has arrived, she'll be driving the 4-5 hours here to see us, no matter the time of day etc etc. I've never seen her quite so adamant about anything and she actually said "guys, I'm sorry, you have no say, I'll let you make all the other decisions afterwards and I'll leave you to it after my first meeting with baby, but I'll be there no matter what."
I know she's excited and I know it's not coming from a bad place, but a- I kind of imagined that if everything goes well, we'll have our first night at home just me, DP and the baby, and maybe we'd be able to wait just at least until we'd got the first night out of the way before people start visiting, and b- if we have to stay in, I don't want her having to drive all the way here to come and see us for maybe half an hour in hospital, that's even if it'll be visiting time.
I wasn't planning on even having my mum, who lives 5 mins down the road over the second she finds out the baby is here! I just envisioned us being in a little bubble for the first 24 hours or so and then start with all the visitors.
This is our first baby, so I don't really know what to expect, am I imagining it all wrong? Will i just have to put up with visitors from the minute we're on the ward/going home?
Just read that back... sorry for the essay!!

I like your DH already, saying that he won't tell her straightaway. In all honesty, if you don't tell her for the first day and she's upset, she'll have brought it on herself by being so pushy.

However, if you get on as well as you say you do, maybe it's best to have a very frank discussion with her about when you want visitors after the birth. If she still won't listen, then just make it clear that she won't be told about the birth until you're ready for her to visit.

Have a very strong word with her and see how you feel on the day!

I so much prefer people visiting in hospital - you don't have to fuss other them, you are not responsible for making them tea or coffee or cleaning the house before they turn up, there are visiting hours and hospitals are boring.
Unless they are really really close, I would hate for anyone to turn up when I just arrive home with my baby. My close family and friends waited to be told they could, no one else was invited for a good couple of weeks.

It's a baby, not a circus act - people don't have any need or right to come for a "cuddle" They are free to buy a puppy if they really want to cuddle something.

I would say that - obviously you've never had a baby before and have no idea how you will feel, but, much as you appreciate how excited she is to meet her grandchild, she will have to be guided by what dh tells her at the time. If she isn't prepared to respect that, then she is at risk of you and dh not telling her when the baby is born, for fear of her appearing unannounced.

For what it's worth - I've had 3, the first was a particularly traumatic birth (I was in hospital for nearly a week afterwards), and I would have been gutted to think that nobody visited me.

So do wait and see how you feel - don't be swayed by other peoples experiences.

If you time your phone call right you could buy yourself 18-24 hours, get DH to call the afternoon/evening as you come home and I guess she'll set off early the following morning? I'll have similar with my MIL I'm sure, she's 3.5 hours away, but I know if we don't have her over straight away it'll be on my mind, and she's ok really. My family are a lot nearer so they can do the pop over, pop home routine much easier so I'm not really factoring them into it, they'll come and go in short bursts I think.

I wouldn't say anything and wouldn't tell her when you go into labour. See how you feel when the babies born. You may feel perfectly fine about visitors. I ended up letting my inlaws visit as I felt okay (although I wish I'd had chance for a shower first). It may be late on in the day so you get the first night by yourselves anyway. If she's planning on an overnight stay I'd be asking her to get a hotel (or is there anyone local that would have her). I couldn't have dealt with overnight visitors after having DD.

Also, if her actual wording was 'I'll let you make all the decisions after' I'd be asking my partner to have a word with her. Just to make her realise how this sounds. It might just be that she didn't realise how controlling that sounded when she said it but I would want him to have a conversation just to let her know that you and him will be making decisions about the baby.

Be proactive and plan it if you don’t want to upset her (you did say she is great and this is your one gripe).

Tell her when visiting hours are. Tellher they are restricted and there are security protocols on maternity wards so (unfortunately) she can’t just turn up. Ask if she can come at x time. Perhaps mention that non-partner visiting is restricted to an hour or something like that. Or say you will be the first call when the doctor says that I am ready for visitors. Present the visiting time as a good thing for her - won’t have drive through the night, will be the first one through the doors when visiting hours start, no waiting in a hospital cafeteria etc.

PIL stayed at our house while I was in labour! To be fair though it was because my waters broke unexpectedly at 37 weeks, they cleaned our house and built the baby's wardrobe. They came to visit around lunch time on the Saturday DS was born at midnight Friday night. In some respects it was better as people are less likely to stay for ages at the hospital as they might at your home. It's your choice don't contact her until you're ready to see her. We said not before lunch time as I wanted chance to have my catheter out and to shower before visitors. I was kept in for five days, I knew in advance it would be at least 24 hours (GD) and that whilst my waters broke labour hasn't started and is need to be induced, I knew I'd be in for a while so hospital visitors were more likely than someone who is in and out in twelve hours

Good job she lives so far away OP, that's all I can say. Agree with others just don't tell her.

I always say the same to people who are expecting their first child, if you can get away with it just lie about the real due date, slink off have the baby in peace and tell people when you are ready.

I learned this the hard way, my first child I told everyone the real date and had all the annoying over invested behaviour that goes with it from the in laws. Second child I told them a date 1 month further on than it was and it turned out they were away on holiday when I gave birth, could not have been more perfect, a full week of peace!

My in-laws not only turned up at the first possible visiting time when first golden grandchild DD1 was born (whilst I still had a catheter in and was in absolute agony from stitches) but then proceeded to FOLLOW US HOME from the hospital when we were discharged and sat in our house for five hours demanding cups of tea and not letting me hold my own crying baby. I will never, ever forgive them (or DH) for this. All I wanted was a few hours to settle DD into her new home just the three of us and that was completely spoilt by those pushy bastards. My overriding memory of the day we brought DD home from hospital is me sitting and crying by myself in the kitchen whilst everyone else sat in the lounge with the baby.

I'm not one for sentimental "just our little family" nonsense, but please don't let your MIL ruin what will be a very special day for you. She has no rights to your child, and has the rest of her life to lavish it with love and attention. Your DH sounds like he's on board with delaying telling her about the birth, which is great - he sounds like a good egg! Good luck!

You don’t know how you’ll feel but you’d be safest to manage expectations. I couldn’t have managed visitors straight away and it took me a little while before I was ready. My sister in law in contrast was happy to have visitors within a few hours and loved showing off the baby. Lots is down to personal preference and how the labour goes as well as feeding. My in laws came on day 5 which should have been fine and felt like an eternity to them but I had only just come out of hospital, was having major feeding issues and just ended up a big weepy mess. A week later I was fine. This time round I’m sure I’ll be ready quicker as I won’t be so emotional about failing to feed but I know from last time, I would need a bit of time to recover regardless.

that the second she hears the baby has arrived, she'll be driving the 4-5 hours here to see us, no matter the time of day
Simples
You announce baby when you are ready
We didn't tell anyone I was in labour. It was not a good birth so best decision ever

Your baby your body

Just go with the flow and don’t even worry about it yet. There’s no point you have no idea how you will feel.

If you’re in hospital she’ll be limited by visiting hours anyway - as you say she has a tendency to go on that may well be better for you than an unrestricted visit at home on day 2 or 3 when your milk is coming in and baby blues are hitting.

I am weird in mn world though as I absolutely adored having visitors & showing my new baby off. Dd was born at 10.30am (emcs so it wasn’t a super easy birth either), my parents & pil came to hospital visiting that evening. Our siblings visited the next day. When we came home 2 days later we had my parents, my brother, in laws, my grandparents and some good friends over for a meal (I didn’t have to cook!). It is one of my happiest memories, such a special time.

Ds was born in the evening so everyone visited the next day (again in hospital). I was quite poorly that time but still glad everyone wanted to meet him when he was so new. And especially in hospital all you have to do is lie in bed, everyone expects you to be tired!

My ex MIL was the same, booked flights as soon as DD had arrived. I rang her up told her about DD etc, an hour later she's says she is getting the first flight the next day. Never mind I gave birth two hours from home and had a traumatic birth (EMCS).

Thankfully ex forced MIL to stay in a hotel (although that's because he can't stand his mother either!)

Just ring her to announce the baby when you feel you are ready for visitors.

Hmm if you wait a day to tell her you will have some explaining to do on birthdays lol! I guess it's really up to your husband to talk to her. Maybe tell her she will be the first person you will call when you are ready?!! After your own mum I suppose?

Echoing a lot of advice. Play it by ear. See how the birth goes, how you feel etc. You and OH get to decide together when she finds out. You don't have to rush.

We'd told MIL we wanted the first day or so at home and she'd pitched a fit saying she would just turn up. (Context: she is an overbearing control freak). As it happened I was in hospital for 5 days so she came during visiting hours one afternoon a couple of days after I gave birth. OH took her off to the cafe when it got too much for me.

I recall her and my BIL and SIL coming to visit when we got home. Stayed for hours, didn't bring so much as a cake with them and left the place a tip. I was crying in bed to my OH that I needed sleep and for them to go. Turns out I was coming down with an infection.

Good news is your DH is already taking a sensible approach and sounds like he has your back 100%.

Let her come to the hospital who will kick her out when she has been there too long! She will just want to meet the baby and take a couple of grandma photos that she can then show off to all her friends. You may find you are on a bit of an adrenalin high for the day after the birth and it may be better to get the visit over and done with but make it clear that once you get home you will need a few days to settle.

I had a similar birth experience to @turncloak and my overwhelming memory of those precious first few days aren't happy.

See how you feel and play it by ear. If you feel ok, then great. If you need time, then also absolutely fine. It's good that your DH seems to be onside for this

You don’t have to put up with anything, end of really. Get your DH onboard and make visits invite only. I didn’t want to see anyone for two weeks after my first was born.

What's wrong with people? When we came come I hadn't slept for three nights, looked and felt like a zombie and had to sit topless with hot cloths to sooth my rock-hard, sore breasts when the milk came in. There's no way I would have wanted anyone except DH to see me that way.

I prefer to get the visiting over and done with because: you'll still be a bit dazed anyway, no one will expect you to host them or fetch cuppas, and people might bring you mcDonalds.

Honestly I’d stick to my guns. Maybe soften it and tell her that you want to wait to see how you’re feeling.

Not to scare you but my first visitors (who I didn’t want) arrived five minutes after I’d just pissed myself - catheter had not long been removed after an instrumental birth and I couldn’t feel whether I needed the toilet -and a blood transfusion was leaking under my skin (bloody hurts!). Two minutes before that dp and I were hissing at each other because he wouldn’t tell themto go away! All following 48hrs with very little sleep.

Honestly not trying to worry you but I wanted to counter the ‘I was fine’ stories, I hope you’re fine but it’s okay not to be and plan for all scenarios.

I wouldn't worry about it, just take it as it comes, you might be dying to show off your lovely new baby or you might not, just see how you feel after the birth until then don't give it another thought.
After my babies I was kept in one night with each of them, and looked forward to visitors coming, broke up the boredom3, they brought gifts and treats for me, cooed over dc and left after half an hour, so all good, if they came to my house they may be have stayed longer which might have been more inconvenient.

I got the grandparents and my siblings to come when I was in hospital.
Yes I felt and looked like total crap BUT it meant visiting was restricted time wise and then nobody came for a bit once I was home. Way easier
Sometimes it’s easier just to let people come early and get it done.
Plus I was so proud of the baby I did want to show her off!

I had a traumatic delivery. I had to spend 5 days in hospital .
When we got home I had to lay down on couch with maternity pad under me, legs open and soothing pads on my private regions

Am I the only one then?
No way on earth I was to see anyone
I also had to get used to BFing and that involved my whole breast out and I was not comfortable with anyone but DH

When MIL (she is lovely) came to visit, baby was on boob or asleep on me and most of the times she would leave and he wasn't even up for 5

My mum would sit so close to me and stare at him feeding, which made me so freaking uncomfortable

MIL would say oh, you probably want privacy, bless her