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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be wary of FIL

62 replies

Popl · 26/01/2019 16:54

I’ve changed username for this.
I’m worried sick and I don’t know if I’m being daft.
I love my mother in law, she is the sweetest loveliest person. She has a long term partner who she got with after me and my husband got together. She had been on her own for a long time so we were happy to see her settled.
However I just don’t have a good feeling about him at all. What triggered these feelings initially was I found out he was messaging my teenage son via Facebook. This bloke is in his sixties and my son was 14 at the time. Only asking him how his day had gone and stuff, but I just thought it was a bit weird. Especially as he didn’t know us very well at the time. Told my son to ignore him and the messages stopped.
He also buys the children loads and loads of presents that kids would like but stuff I try to avoid - slime, bubble gum, gadgets etc and always comes with bags of presents when visiting us.
Then the final straw was he shared an awful video on his Facebook story of a man jerking off onto a woman’s skirt (without the woman knowing) and walking away. The video shortly disappeared and it was kind of brushed under the carpet by the whole family as a mistake.
The thing is, I don’t want my children around him. My little girl is only 6 and rarely has any time away from home. My MIL is asking if they can take her out for the day, and her to stay over and I’m just not comfortable with it.
My problem is this is all just instinct and nothing (other than that horribly graphic video) has happened to make me think he is a danger to children. I want my MIL to have a relationship with her grandchildren but I really don’t like him one bit.
WWYD? AIBU and over thinking?

OP posts:
Racecardriver · 26/01/2019 16:57

She I would say he was just making an effort but the video makes it quite clear that he is a band person making an effort. It doesn’t matter whether he is making an effort because he was to abuse your children or simply because he wants to be a family together. Neither is an option.

Thewheelsarefallingoff · 26/01/2019 17:00

Yanbu at all, especially the messaging your son.

PulyaSochsup · 26/01/2019 17:00

You need to do something. The potential damage done by this man outweighs the mil relationship, although she is obviously very important to you. Does she know what he's done and how uncomfortable you are about it? I would talk to her, mother to mother, but if this isn't possible then get DH to step in. I really would urge you to trust your instincts, we have them for a reason.

Bambamber · 26/01/2019 17:01

I would listen to your instincts. He may well be totally innocent and just trying too hard to be involved without realising he is coming across as creepy. But honestly if you feel like something is off it's not worth the risk.

Have you broached the subject with your MIL at all?? Don't need to make a big fuss but explain how the situation makes you feel uncomfortable

Bezalelle · 26/01/2019 17:01

He sounds dodgy. Stay away.

Singlenotsingle · 26/01/2019 17:02

Your first duty is to the children, to protect and keep them safe. I would be VERY wary of this man and I wouldn't let either of my dc spend time alone with him. Trust your instincts.

WorraLiberty · 26/01/2019 17:03

The video was probably a virus.

FB is absolutely renowned for sending porn videos to people's timeline's (and that of their friend's) when someone clicks on a virused link.

As for the rest, it sounds as though he's just trying to fit in.

If a woman was to act like that, would you honestly find it that 'odd'?

Aquamarine1029 · 26/01/2019 17:05

Don't even think of ignoring your instincts. Have you done any research on this man?

Consolidatedyourloins · 26/01/2019 17:09

I've never had FB send porn videos to my timeline or to any FB friends Confused

If it was a virus, it wouldn't have been brushed under the carpet.

I would never advise anyone to go against their instincts.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 26/01/2019 17:10

That’s bullshit @WorraLiberty

The only way that was shared in “error” was him pressing “publish” instead of “bookmark” or something.

OP, the older I get, the more I trust my gut and the more I know that instinct exists for a reason.

Firstly, don’t have the children around him. Ever. Make excuses to avoid the situation until the cows come home. Brief DCs to tell you should he ever get in touch.

This absence will likely prompt questions from DMiL and a conversation will need to be had, but that may be best held by DH.

Is your DH finding he’s getting alarm bells too?

YADNBU

Original poster
Popl · 26/01/2019 17:11

Worraliberty, you make a good point..

to flip it on it’s side, I think if an adult woman was messaging a teenage girl she hardly knew, I would think it was odd. But maybe not as sinister. I promise I’m trying to be measured as possible about this, I know the possible damage that it could cause. My husband loves his mom dearly and so do I and we would not want to hurt her. But our children are our priority.
It’s been going around and around in my head for almost a year. It’s not really been a problem until now because MIL has always worked and lives a considerable (but driveable) distance, so has never really helped us with the children. Now that she is wanting to take more of an active role I’m having to face it head on.

OP posts:
Pissedoffdotcom · 26/01/2019 17:11

Alarm bells or what. I wouldn't ignore your gut feeling. Can you google him? Hell i'd go as far as maybe having a chat with local police tbh. If they have anything on him you can legit say why you don't want him around without all the 'oh he's just trying to be nice' & excusing the porn. Otherwise tell him to stay away & expect the shit to hit the fan

Laiste · 26/01/2019 17:12

If a woman was to act like that, would you honestly find it that 'odd'?

Damn right i would!

Anyone sending a bloody dodgy video to one of my kids would lose any 'benefit of the doubt' from me. How much more leeway is OP supposed to give him? The poor menz might be innocent so lets not say anything stuff doesn't wash with me.

Original poster
Popl · 26/01/2019 17:12

Aquamarine... I wouldn’t know where to start with that. But would like to find it more. Any suggestions on how to do that?

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 26/01/2019 17:13

Think about the worst case scenario if you DONT allow this man unsupervised access to your children. Then think about the worst case scenario if you DO
Then decide what to do

FullOfJellyBeans · 26/01/2019 17:13

I would want to get to the bottom of the video thing. I do remember a virusy thing going round a few years ago where by a few friends had something porn-esque posted on their timelines that I'm sure they hadn't put there. But in that case it wasn't swept under the carpet they both (both mutual friends who didn't know each other) deleted it and left some status along the lines of "Oh my god don't know how that got there"

Original poster
Popl · 26/01/2019 17:14

Laiste, apologies but he never sent the vid to my DS, he messaged him on Facebook about day to day stuff. The vid was ‘inadvertently’ posted to his fab story and is a another issue.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 26/01/2019 17:15

Go to the police and ask if he's on any registries, for a start. What have you been told about his past? Honestly, you have no idea who this man really is.

Laiste · 26/01/2019 17:16

Well, hands up i don't know a lot about FB as i'm on there but don't use it. If you feel sure it was inadvertent then so be it.

Pissedoffdotcom · 26/01/2019 17:18

I'm not at all convinced the porn thing was a virus. If it was then it wouldn't just be him, viruses on FB usually go via contacts.

Google his name OP, see what comes up. Then a trip to the police station, i believe you have right to know because of his relationship with MIL but could be wrong

Original poster
Popl · 26/01/2019 17:20

Laiste I put ‘inadvertent’ in inverted commas because as explained in my OP it was seen that way by the family. No one really discussed it and it was brushed under the carpet as if some accident.
A Facebook story is accessible to everyone on a friends list. A private message is what he was sending my son and they are two different things.
The point is, I’m not sure. That’s the whole point of the post 😓

OP posts:
Original poster
Popl · 26/01/2019 17:22

Husband is also a very trusting person and thinks bad of no one (you could say he’s naive sometimes) so hasn’t said anything to me. But you are all right, I need to discuss it with him and do some digging

OP posts:
Boulty · 26/01/2019 17:23

The messaging …. not sure

but the very inappropriate 'video'..... trust your instincts and avoid allowing your daughter time with this man

Bombardier25966 · 26/01/2019 17:23

The video could definitely be part of a virus. Google Facebook porn virus and you'll see thousands of people have been affected at some point.

The rest of the stuff wouldn't bother me in isolation. Whilst we should be alert, we shouldn't assume every male is a predator. In reality, very very few are.

AmoraObscura · 26/01/2019 17:25

Why would he have done that deliberately?

Even if he was a true creep, why would he out himself like that to all his friends and family?