AIBU to be wary of FIL

[Popl]

I’ve changed username for this.
I’m worried sick and I don’t know if I’m being daft.
I love my mother in law, she is the sweetest loveliest person. She has a long term partner who she got with after me and my husband got together. She had been on her own for a long time so we were happy to see her settled.
However I just don’t have a good feeling about him at all. What triggered these feelings initially was I found out he was messaging my teenage son via Facebook. This bloke is in his sixties and my son was 14 at the time. Only asking him how his day had gone and stuff, but I just thought it was a bit weird. Especially as he didn’t know us very well at the time. Told my son to ignore him and the messages stopped.
He also buys the children loads and loads of presents that kids would like but stuff I try to avoid - slime, bubble gum, gadgets etc and always comes with bags of presents when visiting us.
Then the final straw was he shared an awful video on his Facebook story of a man jerking off onto a woman’s skirt (without the woman knowing) and walking away. The video shortly disappeared and it was kind of brushed under the carpet by the whole family as a mistake.
The thing is, I don’t want my children around him. My little girl is only 6 and rarely has any time away from home. My MIL is asking if they can take her out for the day, and her to stay over and I’m just not comfortable with it.
My problem is this is all just instinct and nothing (other than that horribly graphic video) has happened to make me think he is a danger to children. I want my MIL to have a relationship with her grandchildren but I really don’t like him one bit.
WWYD? AIBU and over thinking?

I would trust your gut. I never liked MILs partner and always got the creeps from him.

Turns out his an alcoholic, violent narcissist who has beaten and emotionally abused all his former partners and his children.

MIL knows this but won’t leave him because she would rather be with him than be alone. So he is banned from our house and our DC never goes there. We always meet her out without him. Sad really. But I won’t let her foolishness endanger our child.

Why would he have done that deliberately?

Even if he was a true creep, why would he out himself like that to all his friends and family?

One of the things that sexual predators do is test the boundaries of the family they are trying to groom. If they post a video like that and everyone says, "you pervert, don't ever do that again or there will be trouble" it's a very bad sign for grooming. If the family believes everything the man says and brushes it under the carpet, the man can escalate the grooming.

Op not read whole thread but the nasty video on Facebook could have been virus thing. I saw horrific one on there on someone's post and it was virus thing.

YANBU
Why risk it

worra

You're usually so sensible. You must have been compromised! Or is it a virus?

OP Ready yourself as if he is a threat but calm your nerves in case he isn't.

I agree with the Pp that said dont explain why, just forever have an excuse that it wont work this time, forget, be generally flakey and laugh it off. Plenty of people are that way anyway, so you can hide your motive in plain sight (so to speak) and also do some digging and try to get to know him more yourself, ask him for stories from when he was growing up, his previous relationships etc. the whole chatty friendly thing. Getting to know him better may alay your concerns or confirm them.

Have to say I thought Worra had a virus, too! I've never known her give replies like this.

Trust your instincts, always.

Awright, my apologies @worraliberty

I stand by the probability he’s up to no good judging by the combo of

• weird reaction to porny post
• off behaviours with DS
• lovebombing re: gifting

Upthread it was mentioned that not all men are predators in fact very few are.

If the stats still stand at 1 in 4 women having experienced some form of sexual assault (from inappropriate touching through to rape) by the time they reach 18, then either there are a few extremely prolific abusers travelling the length and breadth of the country, or more likely, there are many, many more abusers hiding in plain sight than any of us would care to imagine.

OP - trust your gut, you sense something off, and you have every right to act on that.

A mother’s instinct is rarely wrong. I would be very concerned if a 60 year old man was private messaging my 14 yr old. It just doesn’t seem right. The video whilst dodgy might be any number of things.
I’d say trust your instincts.

I think (from experience) the Facebook videos work like this: you see a really dodgy viral video posted on a friend's timeline - something you know with absolute certainty that they would never post. You comment under the post to alert them. Next thing you know it appears that same video is posted on your timeline and friends are beginning to post comments alerting you.

That aside, I'd trust your instincts. I would never let my kids stay with anyone I even vaguely distrusted. It may all be unfounded but take the precaution of not leaving them alone with him.