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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be wary of FIL

62 replies

Popl · 26/01/2019 16:54

I’ve changed username for this.
I’m worried sick and I don’t know if I’m being daft.
I love my mother in law, she is the sweetest loveliest person. She has a long term partner who she got with after me and my husband got together. She had been on her own for a long time so we were happy to see her settled.
However I just don’t have a good feeling about him at all. What triggered these feelings initially was I found out he was messaging my teenage son via Facebook. This bloke is in his sixties and my son was 14 at the time. Only asking him how his day had gone and stuff, but I just thought it was a bit weird. Especially as he didn’t know us very well at the time. Told my son to ignore him and the messages stopped.
He also buys the children loads and loads of presents that kids would like but stuff I try to avoid - slime, bubble gum, gadgets etc and always comes with bags of presents when visiting us.
Then the final straw was he shared an awful video on his Facebook story of a man jerking off onto a woman’s skirt (without the woman knowing) and walking away. The video shortly disappeared and it was kind of brushed under the carpet by the whole family as a mistake.
The thing is, I don’t want my children around him. My little girl is only 6 and rarely has any time away from home. My MIL is asking if they can take her out for the day, and her to stay over and I’m just not comfortable with it.
My problem is this is all just instinct and nothing (other than that horribly graphic video) has happened to make me think he is a danger to children. I want my MIL to have a relationship with her grandchildren but I really don’t like him one bit.
WWYD? AIBU and over thinking?

OP posts:
MrsTommyBanks · 26/01/2019 17:26

Op the link below will explain Sarah's Law and how you can find out if your FIL has previous convictions regarding children.

www.sarsas.org.uk/sarahs-law/

SchadenfreudePersonified · 26/01/2019 17:27

I would go with my gut - you aren't comfortable with him.

Tell your MIL that you feel your DD is too young to be staying with them overnight (shy child etc) and give yourselves time to find out more about your FIL and get to know him properly.

You may be right to be wary, you may be wrong - but you don't risk your child.

GirlsBlouse17 · 26/01/2019 17:30

I'd say trust your instinct.

WorraLiberty · 26/01/2019 17:30

That’s bullshit @WorraLiberty**

The only way that was shared in “error” was him pressing “publish” instead of “bookmark” or something.

It's not 'bullshit' at all Hmm

I clicked on a fake FB link to do with a newspaper story in the past, and it published porn on the timelines of almost everyone on my friend list.

The only one's who didn't get it automatically published, where those whose settings mean they have to 'Ok' posts before they appear.

Google it before you accuse someone of talking bullshit. It's less common now but it still happens.

bubbling · 26/01/2019 17:32

My DH accidentally posted a video of our DC singing to his Facebook story when trying to send it via FB messenger. He could of been trying to send it someone (which is also inexcusable as it depicts sexual assault/'pretend' for porn sexual assault)

He may have been trying to save the video and misunderstood, either way, the video is disgusting and sets of alarm bells to me.

As with the messaging. And I would also find it odd if my DFs new wife/girlfriend did the same.

I have a different situation with FILs girlfriend, where she hit one of of our nephews, and although it all got 'fixed' and brushed away, I don't allow her to spend any length of time with my DC and never alone - I just make excuses for days out and sleepovers, and allow occasional supervised (by us) contact so that the family don't turn on me for being judgemental and not letting go of the past. 🙄

Pissedoffdotcom · 26/01/2019 17:33

That's what makes me think it was a mistake rather than a virus. Usually they post to numerous timelines at once not just one

Original poster
Popl · 26/01/2019 17:33

Massively helpful! Thank you

OP posts:
cheesemongery · 26/01/2019 17:36

The facebook virus is not bullshit at all - somebody clicks a seemingly innocuous link and porn is posted and sent to all friends - if the friends click then it is forwarded to their friends. I've seen loads of it, you get to recognise it and know that John Smith did NOT share that link.

I think he's trying to fit in really, my Mum's new partner is the same, I say new - it's been 15 years and 3 new grandkids - he's just a bit of a wannabe cool dickhead.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/01/2019 17:36

I can't see any red flags here, messaging your day,he could be trying to be friendly, he was asking usual questions, nothing sinister. The porn thing would concern me, but people on here have said it might be a virus. I would supervise dd and not let them alone until you have got to know him better.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 26/01/2019 17:38

My FIL messagers his 14 year old grandson and also buys him loads of presents/gifts/ days out etc... it’s his grandson!

As for the Facebook, my own dh has 2 virus pop up on his, of a man being raped and a family being murdered... in the end he deleted his account and started a new one.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 26/01/2019 17:39

Sorry my son is *13 not 14

Andylion · 26/01/2019 17:40

Is he your FiL if he got together when your DH was an adult? And that was after you and your DH were already together? At best, he is your MiL's partner.

I point this out only to say that you don't owe him anything. Trust your instincts.

user1493413286 · 26/01/2019 17:40

Trust your instincts over this one; you can do much but don’t let your daughter go over without you there

Tistheseason17 · 26/01/2019 17:42

He was messaging your 14 yr old son although he barely knows him.

Over buying presents.

Irrespective of the porn this rings bells for me.

I would say, "no" and I would also ask the police for information on this man.

Better to be over cautious than have your children become victims.

Men/Women who abuse do ingratiate themselves with partners who have young children. This does not mean any new partner is an abuser and it does not ignore that family members abuse - it's just the over buying of gifts and messaging really don't sit well with me.

But maybe, it's just a trigger for me as a CSA victim.

LookMoreCloselier · 26/01/2019 17:43

Not bullshit at all re the video, same thing has happened to me and first I knew of it was seeing it on my own timeline later in the day. The gifts don't sound odd but the messaging is a bit odd.

AWishForWingsThatWork · 26/01/2019 17:44

I'd ask the police if you can check the registry because he and your MIL want to host your children in their home and you have funny feelings about him.

HollowTalk · 26/01/2019 17:46

I think the two things together - the messaging and the video - would make me think I wouldn't want my children anywhere near him. I'd ask the police if there was anything I needed to know.

Lovestonap · 26/01/2019 17:46

Trust your instincts and do some digging. They're your children and you get to say who they stay with. Of course it might be fine, and if your parents in laws are both lovely people they'll be happy for you and your kids to decide when you want them to stay over. You don't have to put your kids at risk because 'polite'

Papergirl1968 · 26/01/2019 17:51

Google him for possible court reports which have been in the newspaper and go through his Facebook page with a fine tooth comb.
I wouldn't let dd be alone with him so a no to days out or staying over, even with mil there as there will be times when she has to leave the room.
Your DS was 14 then so presumably older now, nevertheless it's classic grooming.
Trust your instincts.

macaroniandpizza · 26/01/2019 17:52

Id be wary, trust your instincts they are there for a reason

Alanamackaree · 26/01/2019 17:55

It might be wiser to say nothing and just ensure that the dc aren’t alone with him, ever.

There are so many excuses you can use and you can nurture the relationship between mil and your dc by encouraging her to spend time with you as well.

If you don’t say why you are doing it, it’s much harder for people to wear you down or undermine you. It’s harder for people to spot the pattern in your behavior. And you don’t have to deal with the confrontation, upset and damage to the relationships.

Obviously if you find evidence you can take a much stronger stance. But for now, especially if you suspect that your dh wont see it the same way, I’d be vague in what I’d say but ensure that they are absolutely not left alone.

Belenus · 26/01/2019 18:06

My FIL messagers his 14 year old grandson and also buys him loads of presents/gifts/ days out etc... it’s his grandson!

This man isn't the grandfather. He's the grandmother's recently acquired partner. It's very different.

The way I look at it, being wary of an innocent man means potentially upsetting him, although if he's decent he'll probably understand the issues. Being unwary of a guilty man could potentially wreck the OP's children's lives and completely change their course for the worse. Why take that risk? And for what? At the risk of causing someone a bit of offence?

I think you're absolutely right to be watchful OP, unless and until you know more about this man.

isitisitwicked · 26/01/2019 18:10

Honestly, the fb virus thing can happen. It happened to me. I had to go in and change my password for it to stop.

The other stuff I would say trust your instincts on but tread carefully

grimbeardtheghastly · 26/01/2019 18:12

Better safe than sorry... your instincts are there for a reason. Listen to them.

Wearywithteens · 26/01/2019 18:23

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.