To think an 11yr old can take a bus on their own?

[user1490465531]

To think an 11 yr old can get the bus on their own?
For context I think my 11 yr old dd is old enough to take the bus on her own with same age friend and go to the local shopping centre or swimming baths without me always needing to be there.
Both are one short bus journey away and I think it's important to get some independence before she starts secondary school in September when she will be getting the bus on her own to and from school.
However she is horrified by the idea I think mainly because she's never travelled by herself.
AIBU to think she's old enough or what age is deemed old enough.
She is my only child so got nothing to compare her with.

My DD is 11 and gets herself to and from school. It's about a mile walk.

I'm trying to teach her self responsibility and she's doing well.

You need to start treating her like an 11 yr old.

Oh dear OP, you sound like a lovely caring mum but you know you need to stop this mollycoddling right now don't you? DD is quite capable of getting out her own clothes, bathing and getting her own breakfast surely? Even my DD with learning difficulties could manage this at 11. If you can't manage the direct approach try "DD you get your breakfast whilst I make us both a nice cup of tea."
Personally I'd sit her down and have a little chat! If you can't deal with her getting a bit stroppy now heaven help you when she's a teenager.
You're very wise to be thinking ahead to secondary school now as it sounds as though your DD needs to grow up a bit.
[FWIW OP I'm a fine one to talk as I wrapped all 5 of my DD's up in cotton wool too - just not in the same way. I'm not trying to be unkind to you as I would have loved a mummy like you when I was a child.]
Good luck - be the parent NOT a friend!

I think you already know you're not doing her any favours by doing all this stuff for her when she can and should do it for herself.

Yes, she may be cross at having to do it, but the tantrums aren't going to be any easier on you when she's 12, or 14, or 16. Or are you still going to be washing her hair and laying out her clothes when she's 40?

If I had a maid to do all that for me then I would have no motivation to do it for myself, either. Why would I?

At that age she's quite old enough to unstack the dishwasher and do a bit of hoovering, never mind washing her own hair.

Truly you are not doing her favours. Kids who do chores have more confidence in themselves because they know they have the skills to cope with life. If you're laying out her clothes for her every morning etc then it's not surprising she's frightened of catching a bus on her own. I'm really sorry, but you have to stop this. It's not normal.

I was getting on a train down to S.Wales (3 hour journey) to stay with relatives at that age, on my own. I wanted to do it and was very, very confident.

My DS is 13 and walks to school and back with friends, but has never been on a bus or train without an adult. He does some basic cooking, gets himself ready for school and can clean, Hoover and use the washing machine. He is just not confident with going out on public transport or swimming, shopping with just friends.

All children are different, so I wouldn't push it. I would get her 'senior school' ready though. She needs to wash her own hair and get her uniform out etc and start to prepare her for the school journey.

Yes, they can. But only if THEY feel comfortable with it.

Work on building her independence, don’t just assume you can throw her in and let her do it.

yanbu
it's a good age to start. at that age they are still compliant.

maybe practice going with her a couple of times.
sensible rules (text message when arrived and when on way back home)
let her know solutions to 'what if's'. what if a bus is cancelled. what if she takes the wrong route by mistake etc

Explain to her that you aren’t doing your job as a parent well if you don’t teach her to look after herself. Then make a timetable of things she will learn to do for herself over the next few weeks.

She probably won’t like it much but be firm. And sending her swimming today is a great start. Talk her through each step of the process if she’s a bit nervous but reassure her she really is capable of doing this.

Within a couple of months she should have built up a new bunch of self care skills that she seems to have missed out on. When she starts at secondary school she will need those organisational and planning skills.

When I was 10yo I was taking my 7yo sister to school on the bus everyday.....

Whilst I would say yes it is my two(age 14 & 17) both find buses difficult.

They both travel all over the place on trains/the tube because trains are logical but they struggle with bus timetables, knowing which side of the road to get on, knowing when to get off etc.

I honestly think that if your DD isn't very independent and doesn't get her clothes in the morning and you make breakfast for her etc. I would encourage her to do those things first before taking the bus on her own. She needs to develop problem solving skills first. What if she takes the wrong bus? doesn't get out at the right stop? She needs to learn to solve problems by doing general tasks independently first.

I have two DSs and they are 11 and 13, and they both take the bus with friends to go to the cinema or to each others houses. But they walk to school it's only around the corner. They have gone on the London Underground on their own for a few stops. They enjoy the independence but they are also more independent at home, can cook basic meals for themselves, get ready on their own in the morning, prepare their breakfast, make me a coffee (! top skill), tidy up their rooms, etc. I think that problem solving skills in general are so important but I am not sure that starting with a bus journey is a good idea, I'd start with more basic stuff at home first.

She wants to go swimming with her friend but as I've got a cold and don't feel like going I simply suggested she just goes with her friend instead.

Good time to employ the sorry I'm not feeling well, so either you go with your friend or stay at home and look after me tack .

A few times of you being to busy/sick to take her should persuade her.

It's interesting to note that I'm always the default parent who has to take them the friends parents never do.

Maybe they are working? think you are happy to take them or just CF's but there could be another reason. I was the default parent who took, my DS's friends to their activity every Saturday from 13 - 16. We live in a rural area there are no buses. I always wondered why the other boys parents never took them, one worked and was very thankful and had DS over to tea a few times. The other I just thought was a bit cheeky, then one weekend the cheeky parents asked if we could have the boy for a weekend as they were going away, we said yes because he is DS's good friend (had come for tea and had sleepovers lots). We still thought it was rather cheeky but being very british never said a word.

Three months after the weekend away my DS said to me, his friends mum had died of cancer , neither of them DS or his friend had said anything before this. They assumed his parents had told us, presumably the parents thought their DS had told us. We were very glad we had done so much for him and 6 years later he still comes over and stays with DS when they are home from Uni

I know this is rare but there can be reasons why some parents don't do as much as others.

Feeling sad as dd nearly 12 is not there yet, she has Asd, learning difficties and very high anxiety. I am so pleased that she dresses herself, and washes and showers on her own. Small steps. Even her 6 year old brother who has differing SN is more independent, I can picture him accessing the local area in his own when he is dd age😪😪😪

I think getting her to do a bit more self care at home would be a good start.
My DS (11 but in Y7) has never been on a bus alone but has been cycling ahead of us to swimming (2.5miles mostly but not totally off road) for over a year. One time I was following behind with DS2 when DS2 fell off and I had to ring DP to come and pick up DS2 and phone the pool to tell them DS1 was on his way and to tell him I was delayed but to start his lesson without me.

I still put ds’s uniform out for him. He would think nothing of wearing yesterday’s muddy trousers if i didn’t. I don’t for normal clothes/weekends though. He is dyslexic and does seem to find remembering stuff/organising harder than most. I think just lots of dry runs eg go on the same route in the bus with her first. However my ds is keen to be independent so if she’s not that makes it harder.

The difference is that he is horrified by the idea. She sounds a bit mollycoddled?

Ds1 has been off, normally with 3 mates who live in the neighbouring streets, to all sorts of places, local towns, at that age.

i guess she can choose between making her own way to meet her friends or staying home with you. you could walk her to the bus stop?

You really aren't doing her any favours by doing so much for her.

Time for a regime change - and DON'T fall for the guilt tripping moody nonsense!

By 11 my dd was organising her own clothes, school books etc for the next day, making her own breakfast, making cuppas, getting to school, going into town (swimming, cinema etc) with friends on the bus - all totally normal.

By 12/13 she was cleaning & tidying her own room, doing her own laundry and making basic hot lunches & evening meals.

Your job as a parent is to turn a child (gradually but tbh faster than you currently are) into a functioning adult.

I'm surprised tbh that her friends aren't making fun of her for not being more independent.

By 16/17 - which isn't that far away - they should be more or less able to run a household on a practical/cognitive level and manage their own lives and needs with nothing more than financial (and even that not total - they should really have pt job of some kind to fund small luxuries) & emotional support from parents.

Far too many kids these days are reaching 18 without having a clue about basic home based life skills.

If your DD is going to high school this Autumn, now is a good time to start encouraging her to be more independent.
She is currently used to you doing an awful lot for her and I suggest you start to make inroads to doing more for herself. She is going to find high school a tremendous shock otherwise.
11 is old enough for most kids to travel alone, but they do need coping skills - what if she misses the stop, the bus breaks down, etc. I don't think your DD is actually ready for that. Is her friend a bit more grown up?

I wash her hair get her clothes out every morning for school get her breakfast ready bring her up cup of tea etc all whilst I'm trying to get ready for work myself.

Wow, even my 7 yr old has been doing all that (apart from the tea which he doesn't drink) for a couple of years now! I occasionally have to send him to re-rinse his hair but he'd think I was crackers if I said I'd do it for him.

Of course 11 yr olds can get buses on their own. Huge numbers of them do so every day to get to school and back. My eldest is a summer birthday so was only just turned 11 when she started doing it too. It sounds like you need to build her independence a bit first though and looking after herself at home would be a good start.

I'd maybe start with independence at home like the washing hair. Then I'd maybe get the same bus as her once or twice so she knows what to do.

My goodness, my judgement may be clouded as my kids have an, butkids develop at different rates, not all 11 year olds have that level of maturity. At 16/17 years I could not run a home, I only learnt that at 19 when I left home for uni and had to do it myself and budget.

SN I I meant

Under 12s aren’t allowed unsupervised in our pool so watch out for that.

What we've been doing is waiting at the bus stop together, but DS boards ahead of me and buys his own ticket. It's small steps towards being able to do it without "supervision". He's ten and will be heading to secondary in September, having just - and I mean by a couple of weeks - turned 11.

I agree with pp that if your dd learns to do a lot more at home for herself, she will feel more confident generally, so you aren't doing a favour by doing so much for her. Ignore moodiness, insist on her doing as you've told her - she has to unlearn that being moody or grumpy gets her what she wants. I would break it down a day at a time, so it isn't like she suddenly has to do everything one day when she did nothing the previous day. Make sure you are both up early enough to be able to fit all you need to get done before leaving for work/school, and teach her the value of getting organised the night before - it's a lot easier in the grim hours before dawn to grab one bundle of uniform than to rummage about getting this from here and that from there...

Well she's gone to local shops with her friend got the bus and they are having a great time.
Keep phoning her to check she's OK and they seem to be loving the independence.
I'm sat here full of nerves but I'm so proud of her and feel it's a positive move forward.