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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think an 11yr old can take a bus on their own?

106 replies

user1490465531 · 26/01/2019 11:21

To think an 11 yr old can get the bus on their own?
For context I think my 11 yr old dd is old enough to take the bus on her own with same age friend and go to the local shopping centre or swimming baths without me always needing to be there.
Both are one short bus journey away and I think it's important to get some independence before she starts secondary school in September when she will be getting the bus on her own to and from school.
However she is horrified by the idea I think mainly because she's never travelled by herself.
AIBU to think she's old enough or what age is deemed old enough.
She is my only child so got nothing to compare her with.

OP posts:

flowery · 26/01/2019 11:54

”I wash her hair get her clothes out every morning for school get her breakfast ready bring her up cup of tea etc all whilst I'm trying to get ready for work myself.”

Good grief. You’re not doing her any favours OP. The only involvement I have in either of my DS’s (11 and 9) clothes is washing them if they’ve put them in the washing basket), getting them ironed and putting them in a pile outside their room for them to put away.

Stop babying her!

TheTurnOfTheScrew · 26/01/2019 11:55

i wonder if some of the confidence is about exposure to public transport? while DC1 is pretty confident going about town, because we usually drive she's more wary about the tram. my family didn't have a car when i was growing up, so i was far more familiar with routes, timetables and ticketing.

CheesecakeAddict · 26/01/2019 11:55

At 11 I was getting the bus and doing long journeys from city to city for shopping trips. Definitely old enough

flowery · 26/01/2019 11:56

My 9yo has a shower and washes his hair on his own, with the door open and occasionally a check that he’s got the shampoo out, because he’s got a lot of curly hair. I wouldn’t wash it for him though, and my 11yo would be mortified at the idea.

RossPoldarksWife · 26/01/2019 11:56

I think it’s time you started letting her do her own things. I can’t believe that you all that in the morning.
Just stop it and she’ll have to do it herself. Or go to school in her PJ and hungry.
Being moody and upset is her way of making you carry on doing it, she’s being very lazy, and probably really enjoying being spoilt.

user1495884620 · 26/01/2019 11:56

We started off independent bus travel by getting the bus to her Auntie's or Nan's. I made sure she got on the bus ok, then DSis or DM would meet her at the other end to make sure she got off at the right stop.

Original poster

user1490465531 · 26/01/2019 11:59

I think its a bit of everything at the moment fed up with the laziness and lack of motivation to do anything herself.
Then I feel like a bad mum for having a go but am just tired of it all.

OP posts:

bobstersmum · 26/01/2019 11:59

Yes that should be fine!

Tinty · 26/01/2019 12:00

However she is horrified by the idea I think mainly because she's never travelled by herself.

I think she is probably old enough, but if she doesn't want to or feel comfortable enough to do it, you will have to wait until she is older, however if you are suddenly too busy to take her to the many things that you usually do, (if you take her and her friends to the shop/swimming etc). She may suddenly decide that she is able to do these things herself.

With the doing things in the house, choose one thing a week that you do for her that you feel she can do for herself and get her to do it, whilst you do the other things you usually do for her. Add more things week by week.

Don't suddenly just expect her to make her own lunch/drink/breakfast. Get her doing these things bit by bit. Yes I know she is old enough and could do them, but if you do it bit by bit slowly, she may be more open to more responsibility rather than just getting cross.

bigKiteFlying · 26/01/2019 12:00

DD1 didn't start doing that till after she started secondary- though she was 11 just before - even then many of the other girls parents ended up stepping in and insisting on giving lifts through year 7 and early year 8.

So actually getting a bus by herself - actually with a friend but with no adult didn't happen to last summer.

DH and I were gettting about on buses from aged 11 so couldn't see an issue - though if she uncomfortable doing it I wait and try later or try and build up somehow - maybe going up with her but getting her to come back herself.

TSSDNCOP · 26/01/2019 12:01

My DC who was virtually carried to school on a purple velvet cushion until Y6, embraced train travel within a few short weeks. —whilst I track him like the CIA from the where’s my phone app—

flowery · 26/01/2019 12:02

Might be worth checking with her friends’ mums about how much they do for their dds- if you can say that (eg) x y and z all get their own breakfast/wash their own hair/whatever it might help a lot.

Wearywithteens · 26/01/2019 12:03

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Original poster

user1490465531 · 26/01/2019 12:04

one of her friends cooks her own breakfast makes her own cup of tea etc and my dd knows this but it still doesn't motivate her.

OP posts:

bigKiteFlying · 26/01/2019 12:04

I wash her hair get her clothes out every morning for school get her breakfast ready bring her up cup of tea etc all whilst I'm trying to get ready for work myself.

Mine have found their own clothes and got dresses from very early on - ideally they do it night before but that gets lax - they all get their own breakfasts - my 9 year old asks but can and does make her own cup of tea.

Try a tick list in the morning of her tasks - worked when mine were younger.

BiscuitDrama · 26/01/2019 12:07

I think she needs to be told by you that she’s making her own breakfast!

pollysproggle · 26/01/2019 12:08

DS started getting a tram to school at 11. Now he walks to sports practices and gets the tram and train to his dads house.

It's good practice and so handy when they can take short journeys by themselves. He can be at home alone for short periods but I still don't trust him with his own key as he loses everything!

flowery · 26/01/2019 12:12

”one of her friends cooks her own breakfast makes her own cup of tea etc and my dd knows this but it still doesn't motivate her.”

It might not motivate her but it removes a lot of ammunition in terms of being able to claim you are being unreasonable by expecting the same from her.

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 26/01/2019 12:17

My daughter is the same age but there is no way I would let her do this alone. I would still be wary to let her do this with a sensible friend.

The roads around here are busy with traffic, there are drunk and drugged up people and aggressive beggars.

When I was her age I was much more independent with a lot of freedom. My daughter needs a lot more support and road safety is still an issue with her.

Coralnails · 26/01/2019 12:20

I think it is, but if she's not used to bus travel then I would do the route with her a few times first.

MrsChollySawcutt · 26/01/2019 12:24

It's fair enough for an 11 year old to get the bus into town and go shopping if that's what they want to do.

But your DD doesn't want to. Why are you nagging her to do something she doesn't want to do? Not everyone likes mooching about the shops. Perhaps she just doesn't want to. Pushing her to do things before she is ready isn't going to help her.

FrancisCrawford · 26/01/2019 12:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Topseyt · 26/01/2019 12:26

At 11 she should be able to wash her hair and get her own breakfast. If she has never done it herself before then she might need a bit of supervision at first, but start making her do it. Weekends would be ideal here. Make her get on with it. One task at a time perhaps, so that she sees it really isn't that scary or daunting.

Of course it is perfectly fine for most 11 year olds to make such a fairly local bus journey alone. I'd be willing to bet that when she starts secondary school she would be mortified if you accompanied her to the school bus stop in front of her friends. Better that she starts using the bus herself occasionally now, perhaps going swimming or whatever with a friend.

You need to back off from the babying of her.

JustDanceAddict · 26/01/2019 12:27

Mine didn’t until they started secondary - one bus - than built it up as they felt comfortable.
I think 11 onwards is fine if they’re with a friend and know the journey.
Now they are mid-teens they are very independent, even DS who shunned it at first and hated getting himself out and about.

Original poster

user1490465531 · 26/01/2019 12:28

She wants to go swimming with her friend but as I've got a cold and don't feel like going I simply suggested she just goes with her friend instead.
It's intresting to note that I'm always the default parent who has to take them the friends parents never do.

OP posts:

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