Arguing with sister.

[Soyouthinkyouknowme]

Hello I’m just looking for other people’s advice as I’m not sure if IABU.

I am a foster carer, I have one foster child and I have a 12 year old daughter and an 19 year old daughter. My husband and I don’t have much time for ourselves, because obviously you can’t just get anyone to look after our foster child. My 19 year old does help sometimes (she has been cleared as a babysitter) but I feel it’s too much to ask her all the time, she has her own life to live (all this info I feel is relevant).

My family (as in my older sister) feels I don’t actually have a job as I’m at home all day “doing nothing”. She doesn’t see that my house has to be a certain standard for social work, I have meetings to go to, training to go to and my foster child attends therapy once a week. I have to collect the children from school as the school is 4 miles away.

My mum is I’ll and my sister feels I should be down everyday when the children are at school to look after her. I can’t do this. I had this a couple of years ago when My dad was ill and it really took its toll on my and obviously my sister too. We have an older brother, but he lives in Austrslia, can’t come home and doesn’t really get on with sister as he thinks she is a control freak, so it’s only me and my sister here there is no other family.

I feel there is going to be a lot of pressure put on me to look after my mum during the day and it’s starting to stress me out. I don’t like confrontation and I really don’t know what to do.

When looking after dad I felt my mental health suffered as well as the children. I felt the house wasn’t getting cleaned as much as it should have, the children’s homework wasn’t getting as much attention as it should have, their meals certainly weren’t as healthy as they should have been.

For me (my mental health) I need to have routine, I need to have my house tidy (not spotless, but just tidy), but I also need me time ie exercising, walking, seeing my friend for an hour a week for lunch. Social work know this, and have been brilliant with me in the past when dad was ill.

Last night, DH and I were out for a meal and a couple of drinks (a very very rare night out although surprisingly we have a few nights out within the next few weeks), my oldest daughter was babysitting.

This morning, I gets a phone call from my sister to say mum isn’t well again and thinks she might need to go into hospital. I told her to let me know what’s happens. Sister has went off her head ranting down the phone to me saying I’m a disgrace and should be ashamed of myself all because I can’t get to see Mum this morning. I can’t go this morning because I obviously have my kids, husband is working, foster child has a club today, DD also has a club today, and my oldest DD has arranged to go to see her friend. My sister feels I should be “demanding” my oldest daughter looks after the younger children because she lives under my roof and it’s my rules or demanding DH not to work today!!
Sister has said “I better get my finger out” because I need to look after mum she can’t do it because she has to work as she has a proper job and I’m sitting on my arse doing nothing all day anyway”. She then goes on to tell me, it must be fucking great to have a social life and get to spend time with my husband because she can’t get to spend any time with her, to which i replied, that’s no ones fault but hers but she does actually get to spend time with her husband she sees him during the day every day and every night. My DH works long hours and sometimes has to work away abroad. I have said in the past if mum needs the level of care she thinks she needs, then a care package needs to be looked into and she needs to do it because I’m not (when dad was ill I sorted the care package, but it wasn’t good enough for my sister who kept telling me to change things in the end, I told her she could sort out his care)

I’m getting myself into a state. I’m actually not close to my mum, never have been but, she is my mum, I love her so I usually go down to see her about twice a week. Sometimes it’s less than this depending on what I have on during the day.
My sister is getting fed up because if anything is wrong, Mum always phones her, not me as mum and her are closer and she also lives closer.

So really I’m just wanting to ask AIBU am I right to put myself first sometimes or should I put my children (and technically a vulnruable young child) to the side to look after my mum during the day every day.

I’m so sorry that turned out to be so long

I don’t think it’s a case of martyrdom or checking out is it? If your mum is poorly and you live close by presumably you would try to step up to help a bit more? Well I would anyway, but everyone’s different. If you don’t want to then don’t.

I don’t think you should be looking after your mum every day, no. But it clearly isn’t possible for your sister to do that either. You can both only do what you have time for.

I think you’re right that a care plan needs put in place. Is this viable - can you afford it, will your mum accept it?

I don’t think you can wash your hands of ever looking after your mum but I agree your sister is asking too much and not respecting the responsibilities you have. I think the two of you and your mum need to all sit down together and make a plan for how you’re going to manage going forward.

I'm so sorry, what a horrible situation. Your sister is being utterly unreasonable in my opinion. Having a Foster child is not like having your own child and that is why you are paid to do it. So she's wrong about that. She doesn't know anything about your relationship with your mum either.

Having said that, emotions run high when family is ill. You need to front up to your dislike of confrontation and be very clear - but you can also be kind too, your sister is obviously hurting. Tell your sister you can't do more than you do already and you won't discuss it, but that you're sorry she's obviously getting so horrible about it all and you are happy to talk about what care plan should be arranged by both of you.

*feeling horrible about it

I think you need to work out a solution between you. I would resent the implication that you do nothing all day but equally surely you do have a bit of time to pop in to see your mum? Obviously caring does take a mental and emotional toll but some one needs to do it.

I think you need to write down exactly what needs to be done re caring for mum and decide exactly what each of you and your sister are able to provide. If you can't between you provide for all of your mum's needs then you'll need to pay for a carer or look at assisted living accommodation.

Thanks everyone it’s trying to find a balance for everything and I don’t know how to do it and look after myself too. Thing is, if I end up losing it which I very nearly did when dad was ill I could have foster child (who I love dearly) taken away and that would not only devestate us but him too, he has been with us for 6 years we are his family. When dad was ill before he was taken into a hospice social work could see I wasn’t coping and there was a meeting to see if I could continue with foster child living with us, I think that only happened because I knew dad was going into hospice care.

I know my sister can’t do everything I’ve told her that but she still wants to go and see mum every morning before she goes to work and every day after work, then goes back to see her every night, she did this with dad when he had carers in too and he had the full care package.

FullOfJellyBeans I was popping down twice a week, but the only way this will get my sister off my back is if I’m down every single day once I drop the kids off at school and a Saturday night and a Sunday night. I can’t do that.

Some of your points just seem like excuses tbh. I have three kids and I'm a single parent plus I work but if my mum needed help I would be there to help out.

I think foster carers do a lot more than people realise but at the same time, it sounds like your sister has commitments too and whilst you are saying you can't/won't drop things to help, you are expecting her to do it.

A compromise needs to be found which could include getting carers in to give you both a break.

Well you need to work out what you are able to do on a regular basis and also who is responsible for what in terms of emergencies that crop up (e.g. unexpected hospital stays).

You do seem to be leaving the bulk of the responsibility to your sister though. She told you your mum might need to go to hospital and you said "let me know how to goes". So essentially your sister is the default carer and you just pop in when you can leaving her to do everything that's needed whether or not she actually feels able to.

I do think you need to take on a share of the emotional work and responsibility for your mum. That might mean looking into care homes or moving your mum to accommodation close by so you can pop in and see her every day.

Obviously your sister is being very unreasonable saying you do nothing all day, that fostering isn't 'work' . Thats very uncalled for. However you must put yourself in your sisters shoes - is she doing all of the caring for your mum AND working full time? I am a carer for my mum and I work full time (I have a sister who does nothing) it is very hard work, even with carers and a care plan etc . I see her EVERY day. I understand your mental health is important but unless your mum lives miles away, I'm struggling to understand how you can't call in on her - my mum lives half an hr from me and I still do it. I'm not trying to be mean but I can understand your sisters frustration. Will it be hard - yes, but shes your mum.

It doesn’t sound like you and your sister are working well together. In the circumstances you have described, I think it would be in your mum’s best interest to have a care package sorted out by both of you.

Also, if your sister is calling in on your mum three times a day, I think your mum must be very very poorly. I speak as someone with experience, carers are great and work hard but they simply cannot do everything and unless she goes into a home, huge amounts fall to the family and if theres really that much your sister has to do, I think you need to be stepping up. I see my mum before and after work as a minimum. Your poor sisters must be so so stressed and while your mental health is important, what about hers?

Decide what you can do - perhaps 3 mornings per week and then TELL your sister this is the most you can do and stick to it like a broken record!

I think your sister has a point to be honest. Sounds like she's at the end of her rag with doing everything. She also has commitments and mental health to consider!

A plan needs to be put in place. State what you can do - 2/3 days a week when the kids are in school to pop in and some carers at other times. Make it clear that's your limit.
The children suffered last time which is inexcusable and should never have happened. Especially the foster child, he needs stability.
You can't expect your daughter to drop everything to go to the hospital when your mum 'might' need it - that's bizarre.
It was fine for you to be left to struggle with your dad but she's above it with your mum. If she is closest - location and relationship - it makes sense most of it falls to her.
I take it your sister doesn't have children?
Children come first.

"tt’s trying to find a balance for everything and I don’t know how to do it and look after myself too"

No doubt that is how it is for your Sister, as well.

She probably sees you as having more flexibility and in fairness you do.

Your Mother is in possibly the last years of being at home. Sometimes you've got to give to that, if your Mum was a good Mum and you were close to her, that is.

Is your, DH, 12 & 19 year old doing enough in the house?

Will your 19 year old spare your Mum any time, she is an Adult member of the Family now.

You need a sit down with your Family and then your Sister. You may have to consider outside help, but tbh, I don't see why you can't pop in everyday, or wouldn't want to, tbh.

Is she too unwell to have you visit with the children?

I found it incredibly hard being the only child who bothered with my dying mother - my brother said he was too sad to cope and it was negatively affecting his mental health. I will never forgive him for opting out at that time and if I was your sister and you complained you were not able to clean satisfactorily because you had to visit your mother, I'd be pissed off with you too.

Your sister has been unfair with dismissing foster caring but how far away does your Mum live. You do have more free time than your sister. I appreciate though you haven’t gone in to detail it appears you suffer from a MH issue but instead of having a discussion and sorting something out your ignoring it which will only exacerbate anxiety which will in turn aggregate your alluded to but not completely confirmed how serious it is MH issue.

Find a compromise and meet her halfway. Tell her you'll spend lots of time with mum for example on a Tuesday, Friday and Sunday so she isn't responsible at all on those days, plus you'll pop in just the morning on Thursday (or whichever days are easiest). Your DH can step up for the Sunday at home and you reorganise commitments to give you two clear days. Sort out a care package on one of your days to then reduce the effort to 3 weekly shorter visits, get your sister to sit down and approve or adjust the details of the care package. Call your mum each day you aren't visiting to check in too, a quick call doesn't take much time. You have a lot on, but it isn't fair to leave everything to your sister. If she still then chooses to pop in each day then that's up to her. (Your 19 and 12 year old could also perhaps do one visit instead of you, it's good for kids to take on responsibilities.)

Everybody likes a tidy house for their mental health and needs downtime on at least one meal per week by the way. I can appreciate your sister might hear how you're saying that as being very selfish. She will need all those things too, not less than you but exactly the same as you do. You can adjust your cleaning schedule, get the kids to do more and miss one or two lunches while your mum's support is set up.

Don't take your sisters ranting too seriously, she is under pressure and worried about your DM.

I do think you need to find some more time to help your DM a bit more, reorganise your schedule so that you can offer her a bit more help.

I agree with her about your mums possible hospitalisation. You could have asked your daughter to delay her plans for a couple of hours so you could go down there.

And I'm sorry but when there was an emergency for my grandparents or aunts, we would want to be there as teenagers, not prefer to be driven about to activities. At the least we could fend for ourselves for one day as needed, but we'd also go round, have lunch and make the other family member feel loved. How bloody ridiculous to use their activities as an excuse when your mum is in hospital. After 6 years I would think your foster child might want to be included too, or do you exclude that child from seeing your family?

"she still wants to go and see mum every morning before she goes to work and every day after work, then goes back to see her every night, she did this with dad when he had carers in too and he had the full care package"

That's fantastic of her.

Having worked in Elderly Care, I wouldn't hand my relative over to Carers. Which is exactly why we now have the Foster Carer system and not big Children's homes, they don't work well.

What your Sister is doing is doing a lot for your Mum's MH, it has emotional as well as practical benefits.

Is her relationship different with your Mum than it was with your Dad?

She can't demand that you do it, but perhaps appreciate it.