Arguing with sister.

[Soyouthinkyouknowme]

Hello I’m just looking for other people’s advice as I’m not sure if IABU.

I am a foster carer, I have one foster child and I have a 12 year old daughter and an 19 year old daughter. My husband and I don’t have much time for ourselves, because obviously you can’t just get anyone to look after our foster child. My 19 year old does help sometimes (she has been cleared as a babysitter) but I feel it’s too much to ask her all the time, she has her own life to live (all this info I feel is relevant).

My family (as in my older sister) feels I don’t actually have a job as I’m at home all day “doing nothing”. She doesn’t see that my house has to be a certain standard for social work, I have meetings to go to, training to go to and my foster child attends therapy once a week. I have to collect the children from school as the school is 4 miles away.

My mum is I’ll and my sister feels I should be down everyday when the children are at school to look after her. I can’t do this. I had this a couple of years ago when My dad was ill and it really took its toll on my and obviously my sister too. We have an older brother, but he lives in Austrslia, can’t come home and doesn’t really get on with sister as he thinks she is a control freak, so it’s only me and my sister here there is no other family.

I feel there is going to be a lot of pressure put on me to look after my mum during the day and it’s starting to stress me out. I don’t like confrontation and I really don’t know what to do.

When looking after dad I felt my mental health suffered as well as the children. I felt the house wasn’t getting cleaned as much as it should have, the children’s homework wasn’t getting as much attention as it should have, their meals certainly weren’t as healthy as they should have been.

For me (my mental health) I need to have routine, I need to have my house tidy (not spotless, but just tidy), but I also need me time ie exercising, walking, seeing my friend for an hour a week for lunch. Social work know this, and have been brilliant with me in the past when dad was ill.

Last night, DH and I were out for a meal and a couple of drinks (a very very rare night out although surprisingly we have a few nights out within the next few weeks), my oldest daughter was babysitting.

This morning, I gets a phone call from my sister to say mum isn’t well again and thinks she might need to go into hospital. I told her to let me know what’s happens. Sister has went off her head ranting down the phone to me saying I’m a disgrace and should be ashamed of myself all because I can’t get to see Mum this morning. I can’t go this morning because I obviously have my kids, husband is working, foster child has a club today, DD also has a club today, and my oldest DD has arranged to go to see her friend. My sister feels I should be “demanding” my oldest daughter looks after the younger children because she lives under my roof and it’s my rules or demanding DH not to work today!!
Sister has said “I better get my finger out” because I need to look after mum she can’t do it because she has to work as she has a proper job and I’m sitting on my arse doing nothing all day anyway”. She then goes on to tell me, it must be fucking great to have a social life and get to spend time with my husband because she can’t get to spend any time with her, to which i replied, that’s no ones fault but hers but she does actually get to spend time with her husband she sees him during the day every day and every night. My DH works long hours and sometimes has to work away abroad. I have said in the past if mum needs the level of care she thinks she needs, then a care package needs to be looked into and she needs to do it because I’m not (when dad was ill I sorted the care package, but it wasn’t good enough for my sister who kept telling me to change things in the end, I told her she could sort out his care)

I’m getting myself into a state. I’m actually not close to my mum, never have been but, she is my mum, I love her so I usually go down to see her about twice a week. Sometimes it’s less than this depending on what I have on during the day.
My sister is getting fed up because if anything is wrong, Mum always phones her, not me as mum and her are closer and she also lives closer.

So really I’m just wanting to ask AIBU am I right to put myself first sometimes or should I put my children (and technically a vulnruable young child) to the side to look after my mum during the day every day.

@Wind if she has the right to refuse paid carers then you have the right to refuse to do unpaid care work

It sounds a bit mixed up and I think you need to separate all the issues in your head.

Absolutely the foster child must come first and if this means you have to take them to clubs etc then that's fine

However you must have time in the day when they're at school sometimes, and I imagine the 19 year old at least is pretty self sufficient

I think most 12 and 19 year olds would be happy to help out a bit more for a sick relative. I'd at least talk to them about it. The 19 year old may be able to do things like take the 12 year old to a club for exmple to help a bit more for a while.

It obviously matters a lot to you, but is there any way you can let the house tidying etc slide? It doesn't matter if the kids eat a few more ready meals for a few weeks either

As others have said, it is normal for your sister to feel it's unfair that she does most of the caring. It's not fair of her to bring your foster child into it and say you do nothing. But she is managing to care for your mum with a full time job so the argument that being a foster carer is a full time job isn't really relevant to her.

As PP have said is there anything you can do to support your sister instead of your mum if you don't feel that close to your mum.

Given your upbringing you have every right to say no to helping out more. But your sister has every right to be angry about this.

I'd sit down with your family first and work out who can do what differently and then you'll see how much time you actually have free and go to your sister with some practical suggestions of things you can do to help and dates and times

Your sister totally is a control freak, she knows how to control you and she is doing it

I think she is trying to provoke you into doing something rash which will make you look bad
ultimately what she wants to do is duck her caring responsibilities and skip off leaving you with the full burden

where on earth does it show that is what the sister wants? She just needs some help with caring for her elderly mother. Why should the other sister do all the caring responsibilities???

Does your mum have a carer coming in?
If not, she needs to access help through SS.

Does you sister have 3 children? If childless, bluntly her life is a lot easier (I say this as someone who is childless themselves)

I personally think you already have a fair bit on your plate and twice weekly is a fair amount for anyone.
you sound like you aren’t close/ didn’t have a good childhood and I personally would resent providing extensive care for someone who failed to care for me...

You have 3 children you are not obligated to be her full time carer. Just because her sister wants to martyr herself.

Your mum is poorly you and your sister. Need to put a rota and care ackage in place. You must be able to offer something?

You are prioritising going for lunch with a friend every week and excsorsizing over your ill mother? Of you don't want to look after her because your not close then just admit that don't make excuses. I agree with your sister.

It's ok not to want to care for someone who let you down when you were young and vulnerable. Be honest, state what you are willing to do and there's no need to make excuses, your other reasons aren't robust at the are things most people manage and work in other employment too. Just say DSis I'm not close to mum, you know why, I'm able to (eg) take her some shopping on a Wednesday and do a bit of cleaning on a Friday. I'm happy to support you in seeking a care package for her, I funny react to see you run yourself into the ground but it's your choice good often you go there, this is all I can offer.

You're not too busy, clearly. But you don't want to. Which is fine, but telling your sister you are too busy to do it when she has her own commitments will never go down well. You need to be honest, and then either step up and visit briefly every day or other day or whatever...or don't and take the 'flack'. It's completely understandable given your background that you don't want to be overly involved, but trying to tell people you are too busy because you do the school run 4 miles away, go to therapy once a week and like to go for a walk is a bit of a crock.

I dont think anyone who was raised by neglectful parents would understand the position the op is in. For SS to have been involved, her mother wasnt that great was she.

Op I went through something similar a while back. My dm who wasnt a good mother to me got very I'll and needed care. I was a sahm with plenty of time on my hands but I did not want to do it.
My siblings who were the favored children were very upset that I was selfish and couldn't repay her for doing 'so much' for us.

I was in therapy at that time and fortunately was able to take a stand against all of them and say that my MH was far more important than anyone else. The only help I was willing to extend was contribute towards a private full time home carer who was trained to take care of my DM needs.
I was not prepared to take care of someone who treated me so badly out of guilt and obligation.

Op be honest with yourself for the reasons you dont want to do it and take it from there. Your MH is more important. And I think you are not a bad person for choosing that.

But your sister has a point about your free time - you can find time for lunch every week with friends and go for walks. I'd be frustrated too if I were her.

Be honest with her and tell her you just don't want to see your mum (and explain why, given your upbringing). Once she knows you definitely not going to provide support she can look into a proper care solution/home/whatever. She can't do that while you're still making excuses because it must still feel like there is still a possibility of you helping out

Everyone saying you must do more. Why should she? My DMs biological mother was a violent abusive alcoholic when DM and her brothers were young her DF eventually left and took the children with him this was the seventies, that was not common. None of the boys continued to have a relationship with their mother, my DM did, a lot out of guilt. The number of times I saw her pick at my DM, make her cry at Christmas etc even though DM was constantly running around after her, and as she became older and iller DM became her carer as well as working FT. DF ,DB and I helped out too just to support DM, it wasn't like we'd ever had a DGM in this woman. It very nearly broke DM, and for what? For a woman who was horrible to her for her entire life? Gave her no support, not even when she was a child, showed no interest in her children, and was intentionally cruel at times. Being a mother is about more than who gave birth to you. You don't owe her anything OP, just be clear with your sister about what you can/will do and offer support to put a care package in place.

As others have said, you need to be honest about why you don’t want to do it. Fair enough to prioritise the foster child’s needs but you clearly do have free time during the day and using that as an excuse is just going to annoy your sister when she’s working full time.

Wordthe you make a very valid point. I'm trying to deal with the FOG and I imagine Soyou might be doing similar.

DF ,DB and I helped out too just to support DM

Exactly. From Jaspers post.
Unless my DSis had done some unspeakably horrible things to me, I would want to support my sister in her care of the Mother I'm not close to.

I take back my earlier comment, OP.

Have the conversation with your sister about how your childhoods were quite different, and whereas perhaps your mother was a decent mother to your sister, she wasn't to you.

It must have been tough what you went through & it seems you survived inspite of your parents, rather than because of them.

Do what you are comfortable with, whether that be popping in for a brew once or twice a week or less, and push your sister to arrange a care package so that she is getting a break from the caring responsibilities without you having to run yourself into the ground.

Yy to prioritising your own MH and the care of your family over your mother, who failed you in your childhood.

You need to be bold with your sister, I think.

Your mum doesn't get to neglect you as a child, and then get dibs on your time at the cost of your MH and family when she needs looking after as an elederly lady.

Neither your sister, nor anybody else gets to make you feel guilty for the way your mother has ruined what should be a precious mother/daughter relationship. It's up to your sister how much time she dedicates to the care of your mother, but she can't dictate to you, or play the guilt card even if she feels you're not pulling your weight, after the childhood you had.

and apologies for my earlier lack of empathy.

OP, I hope you are still reading. I think some of the comments in this thread are really unfair.

Firstly your sister sounds controlling and overbearing. She took over the care plan for your dad and now is demanding you provide more care to your mum. I think she is a martyr type who uses her visits as a stick to beat you with.

DO NOT think you must do what your sister demands. Even if you give more than you are right now, your sister IS NOT the arbiter of how much you should give.

Your mental health and the care of your children are important.

And ignore whoever said that careers are not as good as family. That’s not true. Carers are professionals and they are usually very good and kind. And they don’t get burnt out and distressed in the same way as family members.

I think you are giving a lot right now but there may be ways to make more space to see your mum. Here are my thoughts.

• can you ring your mum more often? That doesn’t involve travelling
• can your 19 year old and husband take on more housework to make time for you to see your mum? Not forever, but it’s a way they could stretch themselves to do a bit more do you could do less?
• can you enlist your children in visiting and keeping your mum company? Would the 19 year old be willing to go over there on her own and do a few things? Can you bring the other two on your visits and enlist them in some light jobs or entertaining mum while you do things?
• can you afford a cleaner temporarily?
• can you speak to social devices now and explIain your fears about your mum’s care being too demanding and causing you to lose the foster child? Perhaps they have good suggestions or can reassure you that this is unlikely?

YANBU. I think you sound fragile and your sister has been cruel to you. I have no respect for people who call others “a disgrace”. You are doing a lot for your mum. But your bossy sister will always think you don’t do enough.

I think people calling the OPs sister a control freak are being extremely unfair. In these situations someone HAS to take control in order for things to get done. If she didn't take charge, and left OP to her own devices clearly her mother would get no help. Speaking from experience you have to be insistent, controlling etc to get any help from SS, hospitals etc. Also, her sister being childless is irrelevant - you simply cannot compare the two - the stress on the sister here is clearly immense and out ways that of children (unless there is caring outside of the usual involved for OP with her kids). Unless you;ve been in the position of being a carer, you really have no idea and hope some of you never have to rely on anyone to help you when your older to be told their too bus cleaning walking and having a lunch out!

OP obviously you don't have to care for your mother, especially if you feel she didn't do the same for you as a child.

That said having 'me time', lunches with friends and exercising must seem like pretty poor excuses to someone who is doing as much as your sister and working full time. Just be honest with her and tell her you don't want to do the care, that you aren't close to your mum and you don't feel you owe your mum anything. It will probably be a relief to get it out in the open.

You need to help