Arguing with sister.

[Soyouthinkyouknowme]

Hello I’m just looking for other people’s advice as I’m not sure if IABU.

I am a foster carer, I have one foster child and I have a 12 year old daughter and an 19 year old daughter. My husband and I don’t have much time for ourselves, because obviously you can’t just get anyone to look after our foster child. My 19 year old does help sometimes (she has been cleared as a babysitter) but I feel it’s too much to ask her all the time, she has her own life to live (all this info I feel is relevant).

My family (as in my older sister) feels I don’t actually have a job as I’m at home all day “doing nothing”. She doesn’t see that my house has to be a certain standard for social work, I have meetings to go to, training to go to and my foster child attends therapy once a week. I have to collect the children from school as the school is 4 miles away.

My mum is I’ll and my sister feels I should be down everyday when the children are at school to look after her. I can’t do this. I had this a couple of years ago when My dad was ill and it really took its toll on my and obviously my sister too. We have an older brother, but he lives in Austrslia, can’t come home and doesn’t really get on with sister as he thinks she is a control freak, so it’s only me and my sister here there is no other family.

I feel there is going to be a lot of pressure put on me to look after my mum during the day and it’s starting to stress me out. I don’t like confrontation and I really don’t know what to do.

When looking after dad I felt my mental health suffered as well as the children. I felt the house wasn’t getting cleaned as much as it should have, the children’s homework wasn’t getting as much attention as it should have, their meals certainly weren’t as healthy as they should have been.

For me (my mental health) I need to have routine, I need to have my house tidy (not spotless, but just tidy), but I also need me time ie exercising, walking, seeing my friend for an hour a week for lunch. Social work know this, and have been brilliant with me in the past when dad was ill.

Last night, DH and I were out for a meal and a couple of drinks (a very very rare night out although surprisingly we have a few nights out within the next few weeks), my oldest daughter was babysitting.

This morning, I gets a phone call from my sister to say mum isn’t well again and thinks she might need to go into hospital. I told her to let me know what’s happens. Sister has went off her head ranting down the phone to me saying I’m a disgrace and should be ashamed of myself all because I can’t get to see Mum this morning. I can’t go this morning because I obviously have my kids, husband is working, foster child has a club today, DD also has a club today, and my oldest DD has arranged to go to see her friend. My sister feels I should be “demanding” my oldest daughter looks after the younger children because she lives under my roof and it’s my rules or demanding DH not to work today!!
Sister has said “I better get my finger out” because I need to look after mum she can’t do it because she has to work as she has a proper job and I’m sitting on my arse doing nothing all day anyway”. She then goes on to tell me, it must be fucking great to have a social life and get to spend time with my husband because she can’t get to spend any time with her, to which i replied, that’s no ones fault but hers but she does actually get to spend time with her husband she sees him during the day every day and every night. My DH works long hours and sometimes has to work away abroad. I have said in the past if mum needs the level of care she thinks she needs, then a care package needs to be looked into and she needs to do it because I’m not (when dad was ill I sorted the care package, but it wasn’t good enough for my sister who kept telling me to change things in the end, I told her she could sort out his care)

I’m getting myself into a state. I’m actually not close to my mum, never have been but, she is my mum, I love her so I usually go down to see her about twice a week. Sometimes it’s less than this depending on what I have on during the day.
My sister is getting fed up because if anything is wrong, Mum always phones her, not me as mum and her are closer and she also lives closer.

So really I’m just wanting to ask AIBU am I right to put myself first sometimes or should I put my children (and technically a vulnruable young child) to the side to look after my mum during the day every day.

As per usual, brother nowhere to be seen. This is so often the case in pretty much all the elder care scenarios I know of- daughter/s step up to do actual care (not visiting) or it doesn't happen.

I think that you are being very sensible, you have already cared for one parent which was emotionally draining and you know you have some but limited capacity to care on a daily basis for your mum. You have three children, only one over 18 and one who sounds like they have SN. You are already doing a lot of caring, and so anything else has to be fitted on top of that.

Your sister is out of order saying you do nothing and putting you down. However, it is borne of her frustration about 'doing everything' The best thing to do is IMO what you suggested -get a care package together so that neither you or her are the sole carers, and then you can visit/support that package to the capacity that you can.

It does also make a difference if you get on with that parent, I have one parent who I'd be prepared to care for at home, one that I simply won't be wiping the arse of for any money. I'll be visiting, trying to be supportive, but I won't be a home carer going in several times a day and that's that.

"she still wants to go and see mum every morning before she goes to work and every day after work, then goes back to see her every night"

Your sister doesn't appear to be doing this through choice as she is asking for help and by your own admission you go twice a week sometimes less. You need to help bridge the gap. Most realistically you have 25 hours per week whilst your fostered child is in school, you need to be providing assurances on what care you can provide and stick to it. I get that your mental health is important, but so is your sisters who currently providing the lions share of care.

Reading between the lines, it seems your sister is taking on the bulk of the responsibility and working full time. Surely there must be time when your foster child is at school and you’re not cleaning to see your mum? Also you have to recognise that although your mental health is important your sisters mental health is not of lesser importance. I also agree with the pp who said that in the case if hospitalisation hobbies/clubs have to take a back seat.

Sorry but I do think that to say you can't take your mother to hospital because your children have clubs is unreasonable.
Yes, your mental health is important.
Your sister's mental health is important too, as is your mother's.

First thing you need to look at in life is what your responsibilities are. THEN you look at ways of managing them and taking measures to safeguard your mental health.

To me, your mother is your joint responsibility. You should be sharing this responsibility much more evenly between you.

Let's say you find a reasonable balance with your sister: e.g. you each visit your mother daily and make yourself available for a hospital visit or trip out every other weekend. THEN you start thinking about ways you can square this with your mental health. Maybe this means getting a cleaner? Maybe this means a shift of responsibilities for your DH and 19 year old? Maybe this means you take your children with you to your mother's.

If you don't step up I think you will be living with guilt in the future, and your relationship with your sister will be damaged.

It sounds like you’re trying to inflate your responsibilities as an excuse to not help more. We all have a lot on plates.just be honest with yourself and with your family why you don’t want to help. I don’t help with my ill and estranged parents because they were abusive to me.

I don't really understand this conversation at all. Most people do not and cannot due to work/distance etc provide daily care for their elderly parents. I do not know of one man who has provided daily care for their elderly parent, ever. This is a guilt pressed on women only. I don't see why the OP shouldn't support a care package for her mother and visit/do the caring twice a week.

The people I know who have tried to be carers over the long-term have all ended up burning out and ended up in most cases with the parents going into residential care and everyone saying- why didn't we do this sooner?

I absolutely think thinking about everyone's mental health from the outset is important. I don't understand why everyone is advocating you start daily care yourself, if you do that then you will get absolutely no help from anyone and end up ground into the ground very quickly. Far better to get a care package in place which doesn't rely solely on you or your sister for that matter- actually her lashing out and nastiness is showing that she is already struggling and I don't even believe that you stepping up to the plate and doing more care would stop this. She sounds angry and tired, I've been there myself, but the solution isn't to drag you into this situation too.

Thank you very much everyone for replying, I do appreciate it.
Obviously it is me BU and I need to get my act in gear and I will need tonight a way to do this.

To some of the questions asked yes my sister does do the majority of the work but she has always went to see my mum (except first thing in the morning) when mum was ill.

My Dad's do enough work round the house they even stepped up to the mark when my dad was ill however this was very quickly pointed out to me by my social worker that youngest DD is a child and shouldn't be taking on as much and should be having a childhood!!!

With regards to not taking foster child to clubs....sorry you obviously don't realise as a foster carer that's part of my job he HAS to go to his club failing that social work will pull me up for it (Yes I was pulled up for this when my dad was ill) and this was one of the things that caused the meeting with social work if I could do my job properly.

Maybe it is just me but as I said I don't have a close relationship with my mum, never have. Not meaning to drip feed but I left the house when i was 16 cos both parents were alcoholics and yes social workers were involved. It didnt affect my sister or brother as much as they are alot older than me but unless basically left to deal with my mum and dad myself.

It just seems as if I can't seem to please anyone....my mum, sister, and social work.

Also I wonder if this is actually not about having time to do everything, needing a tidy house or about the needs of your foster child. I wonder if it is about the emotional 'cost' of caring for your mother. Maybe you don't feel you can emotionally cope with it? Maybe you are not very emotionally resilient? Your experience with your father has left deep scars for you?

If this is the case then abdicating responsibility will not help, but you DO need emotional support for yourself. You do not need help with the TIME burden as much as with the EMOTIONAL burden. Get that emotional support network sorted so that you can face giving more of yourself to your mother.

You do sound like you’re making excuses. You need time to go for walks and see friends? For the sake of your mh? Ok, but twice a week when your mum sounds really ill is perhaps not enough. Your 19 and 12 year old must be fairly independent? How far do you live from your dm?

I know my bil was very resentful looking after my mil but he lives round the corner, we live 2 hours away. Had we been closer, I would have been round daily, twice if necessary, despite working full time.

Maybe it is just me but as I said I don't have a close relationship with my mum, never have. Not meaning to drip feed but I left the house when i was 16 cos both parents were alcoholics and yes social workers were involved. It didnt affect my sister or brother as much as they are alot older than me but unless basically left to deal with my mum and dad myself.

See? I knew it.
There’s you’re real REASON. it’s not an excuse. You owe your sister and mum nothing. Be honest . This IS about your mental health.if you want to help then do. If you don’t, then you have a very valid reason. Put yourself and your family first. Sending hugs and understanding.

Ok, it's good to see the excuses fade away.

How about honesty:
"Hi Sis, mum and dad didn't care for me as a teenager so I've no interest in making effort that takes away from my life for mum. We'll organise a care plan so she's physically ok and I'll visit once a week for a long day with the kids so you get a full day off and they spend time with her. How much you do outside that is up to you."

I think finding a balance is hard, but if I was your sister, I'd be a bit fucked off that one of your reasons for not helping as much is needing "me time" she might need some me time as well? I think you're both unreasonable. Obviously she's not speaking to you reasonably, but at the end of the day you need to be splitting it evenly.

I have to say if I were your sister, I'd be a bit pissed off too.

How old is your foster child? If you've had him for 6 years, I presume he is 7+ or older.

Your sister needs a break. You have time for walks, exercise, tidying, lunch with friends. I bet she doesn't have time for any of those things

I think I'd be pissed off with you if you were my sister.

Have you ever worked FT and tried to fit anything else in?

I'm not saying that fostering isn't a job, but you do get a break when the children are in school - I think you should use up some of that time to visit your mum more.

But then it sounds like you had a shit childhood, so I can see why, when they weren't supportive when you were a vulverable young child/adolescent, you might not feel like giving up so much of your free time to help your mum now.

Have you expressed to your sister that your mum wasn't there for you when you needed her as a child/adolescent?

Well the only relevant bit about your post is that your mum neglected you as she was an alcoholic. You don't have the normal mother daughter relationship and you don't feel as responsible for looking after her as you would normally because she didn't look after you properly.

And from what you've said, you owe your mother nothing by the way, so keep your support as light as you want. Parents who don't bother to actually parent their children don't deserve loving care in later life.

Having a Foster child is not like having your own child and that is why you are paid to do it.

A lot of people don't get the sort of commitments that FPs have to make and think it's easy money. It bloody well isn't!

YANBU at all, imo. You have to put your foster child first and you owe your mother nothing - she failed to care properly for you when you were a child, after all. Maybe your DSis needs this spelt out to her.

Do what you can, and what you feel comfortable with. Don't put yourself under pressure, don't buy into any guilt tripping from your DSis. If you think it will shut her up, explain that you have to put your DCs first and to do that properly, you have to take care of your own MH, which was adversely affected when you were helping care for your DF.

It may make your DSis feel that she isn't left alone to deal with this by agreeing to look in one or two mornings a week, and maybe helping more on a Sunday when your DH is home, but I wouldn't blame you if you felt unable to do that.

It may also be worth asking for an adult social care assessment and seeing what they may be prepared to put in place.

And your brother is right, your DSis is a control freak.

I feel you are pulling excuses and using Foster child as a shield to hide behind.

I think you are making excuses. If you don't want to do it because you don't feel that close to your mother and you resent it than you need to tell your sister and stop making excuses. That way, she knows where she stands and she can plans ahead without the stress of trying to engage you.

Your breakdown of reasons for not going round - cleaning, walks, exercise, lunch with friends - come on doesn't your sister deserve that too. Are you close to your sister? You may not want to do this for your mum, but would you consider trying to ease the stress on your sister?

I get the therapy session your foster child has to do but come on, how many meetings A WEEK do you have regarding your foster child?

The clubs this morning were an excuse, it may be part of the care contract, but if the child is living in a home environment than some things take priority over a 'club'. Any social worker would bin off a club if they had to take their mother to hospital. Or you could have asked your 19 year old to take them to the club. You could have roped in one of the other club parents to help out with lifts etc.

Your sister seems to be getting very stressed and seems to be crying out for help. Can you not draw up a rota? Say you go over there for half an hour before school pick up. It's time limited and it's a visit every day. You could always get a temporary cleaning service in if you feel your cleaning will slip. If you don't go everyday, make some meals for her. Speak to the brother in Australia and ask him to call twice a week, send 'what's app' photos.

I do sympathise with you. I cared for my grandparents and I have already had the conversation with my mother that I won’t do it again. It was relentless and it nearly broke me and my relationship. I am not hugely close to either of my parents either, so I just don’t have it in me to be selfless for them.

However, I would be looking at you and your sister together putting some kind of professional care plan in place and then splitting shifts between you and your sister so you do three/four a week and she can do similar, leaving you both free time for your own lives. The caring company we had to get eventually for my grandparents said people often run themselves into the ground trying to take on everything and lives these days are just too busy for that.

Alternatively, just pop in for an hour or so in the day, which leaves you the rest of the day for appointments and cleaning etc

Why is the sister a control freak?

It is not easy looking after an elderly ill parent. Whoever says, get a care package in place... that's fine, but it takes ages. Meanwhile the sister is doing most of it with no support from her sister. Whatever the relationship was like the OP should be supporting her sister. And I think her posts show that she feels guilty about this. Just think of it as supporting the sister as opposed to looking after the Mum

Your sister hasn’t been particularly fair with the things she has said to you, but perhaps she’s at the end of her tether.
I’m reading a lot of excuses in your post, OP. I have no doubt that having a foster child is a completely different ball game to having your own child, but are you really saying that you have no time to support your sister in looking after your mum? No time to visit her in hospital? One of your reasons is that your 19 year old daughter is going to see a friend...how on earth does that impact on youseeing your mum?!

Soyou my DSis and I are in a similar position to you. Our 'D'M was a disinterested and neglectful parent, however, she now expects us to care for her. She has refused to have paid carers.

It's hard but we try to stay within our boundaries but it's a hard and thankless task.

I think you need to be very honest with yourself and your sister. Set out what you are prepared to do (if anything) such as agreeing to pop in on two/three mornings a week for two hours where you will do a bit of housework, take in shopping, prepare her lunch or whatever works for you.

Your sister sounds like a complete nightmare I think she is trying to provoke you into doing something rash which will make you look bad
ultimately what she wants to do is duck her caring responsibilities and skip off leaving you with the full burden
that's what she wants to do, that's why she is trying to knock you down and make you feel like shit to cause chaos confusion and anger so that she can get what she wants because you're too stressed to think straight