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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding guest etiquette

67 replies

sailorcherries · 25/01/2019 22:16

So, after my last post where I had a good moan (with good reason - cue sister getting engaged and wanting her engagement party the week before my wedding, in my wedding venue), DP and I have our invites.

Day time we know who is coming.
Night time is where we are struggling. I work as a teacher, in a school with 20 staff (teaching, admin, assistants). Ideally I want to invite them all to the evening reception but, due to numbers and venue capacity, cannot invite their partners. All of these people have worked together for years and are fairly close. The wedding venue is, at the maximum distance, 15 minutes away from everyone (for most it's 5 and under). Wedding is a Saturday night. I have never met their partners but hope that if even half of them come, or round about half, they won't be alone.

I still feel like I'm breaking some 'code'. Wibu to invite colleagues with no partner's under these circumstances? I don't expect them all to say yes, and I fully understand and accept that.

OP posts:
Lifeofsmiley · 25/01/2019 22:19

Evening only guests from work it is completely acceptable to invite colleagues and not partners

Stinkytoe · 25/01/2019 22:20

DH and I have both been invited to weddings of colleagues as evening guests with no invite for partners. I think it’s fairly normal

44PumpLane · 25/01/2019 22:21

Evening only work wedding invites I would expect to be without partners

Original poster
sailorcherries · 25/01/2019 22:21

Thanks everyone, I had a moment's hesitation after ordering them about the 'done' thing.

OP posts:
KC225 · 25/01/2019 22:22

I agree with the above, I'd kind of treat it like a works night out

Original poster
sailorcherries · 25/01/2019 22:27

KC I'm not too sure my family would be ready for 20 school employees on the piss Grin would make for some excellent dance floor photos and karaoke though!

OP posts:
KC225 · 25/01/2019 23:39

sailorcherries That sounds like the great ending to your perfect day.

Lankyloo · 25/01/2019 23:53

If you've known them for 15 years then I'm pretty sure if they ask why they can't bring their partner and you tell them the truth then they'd understand. If any are like me and hate walking into a room full of people on their own, then they could arrange to meet up and go together.

Original poster
sailorcherries · 26/01/2019 00:27

I'm not too sure where I said 15 years lanky but I've only known them a year. They've known each other for varying lengths of time - 4/5 years up to around 13/14.

OP posts:
Claudia1980 · 26/01/2019 02:39

Please don’t have separate day and night guests. It’s like having an A and a B list. Awful. Either they come to the whole event or not at all.

thecatsthecats · 26/01/2019 13:15

Claudia

Yes, it's like having A and B list guests.

Fortunately, everybody I know is comfortable with the fact that they aren't equally as close to everyone in their lives. I am perfectly happy to get an evening invite.

NoParticularPattern · 26/01/2019 13:24

Claudia1980 Hmm it’s perfectly fine to have people you invite to the day and those you invite to the night. It wasn’t until the professionally offended started spouting the same nonsense you have that people even realised there was something to be offended about. Regardless of how you feel though, it’s an invitation- not a summons! If the thought of being invited to an evening do offends your delicate sensibilities then I suggest you try to be a bit of a grown up and just don’t go. You might like it if you try.

Clionba · 26/01/2019 13:38

Don't do evening only.
It's a two tier system.
Just have one party.

MsVestibule · 26/01/2019 13:58

Separate invitations for evening and day time guests have been going on since at least the 1980s! I fully accept that as a mere colleague, I'm not going to be treated as though I'm a family member or lifelong friend and that does not offend me in the slightest.

OP, if I was invited to a nighttime do and it was explained that numbers were limited, I would be fine with that. I think most people would.

ColdCrumpetsandButter · 26/01/2019 14:01

Lots of venues have capacity for the day and then extra capacity for the evening part. Totally normal. I love a wedding and equally grateful and excited be it day or evening.

PastaCake · 26/01/2019 14:17

Absolutely fine to have a seperate list for the evening do. Especially if it's just family and close friends for the main event. I've only had 2 evening invites from work colleagues and they didn't include my partner and I didn't expect them to. If they know each other then they don't need a plus one they can hang around with each other.

Original poster
sailorcherries · 26/01/2019 19:46

Thanks everyone. We can either have our family at the day and friends /colleagues at night or families all day and that's that.

OP posts:
DonCorleoneTheThird · 26/01/2019 19:55

It wasn’t until the professionally offended started spouting the same nonsense you have that people even realised there was something to be offended about.

hahaha
no, it's not pleasant and a very recent fashion, and so is charging your guests for drinks.

If it's work colleagues and you really want them, it's your wedding, go for it. It's understandable that they are not in the same group as your relatives.

Cheby · 26/01/2019 19:57

It’s absolutely fine to have evening only invites. I was invited to a colleague’s wedding recently, evening only. Not offended in the slightest to be second tier, I definitely am second tier compared to her life long friends and family. Just pleased to be invited.

I suspect people who get upset at their evening only invites are those without a realistic understanding of their personal relationships...

Cheby · 26/01/2019 19:58

Oh and yes fine not to invite partners in this scenario.

greendale17 · 26/01/2019 19:58

Completely fine to have evening invites.

TheDowagerCuntess · 26/01/2019 20:02

For those of us who don't come from a culture of A list and B list wedding guest invitations, it does seem so rude.

However, in the UK it seems to be an accepted thing, so I don't think people are going to stop doing it any time soon.

IceIceCoffee · 26/01/2019 20:05

Honestly it shows the divide in people with a realistic world view and those that are privileged when people start moaning about charging guests for drinks. An open bar is in no way affordable for everyone.

sonjadog · 26/01/2019 20:07

Is it really so hard for work colleagues to understand that they aren't as close to the couple getting married as family and friends are? I know no-one who has been offended by only being asked to another colleague´s evening party. I would think them really weird if they did take it as a personal slight.

DonCorleoneTheThird · 26/01/2019 20:10

I suspect people who get upset at their evening only invites are those without a realistic understanding of their personal relationships...

nice try, but no, it's not that. I would be very surprised to be invited a work colleague's wedding (and I had a few of these invitations), and really don't see the point of an evening invitation only. Some of us don't actually get offended not to be invited to a wedding because some of us understand that every one has a different budget. Grin

I am also from a culture where you only invite who you can afford. You have less guests, but you don't charge them for drinks! You don't need to show off and try to give the impression of a "big" wedding if you can't afford. What's the expression? Champagne taste beer pockets?