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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wedding guest etiquette

67 replies

sailorcherries · 25/01/2019 22:16

So, after my last post where I had a good moan (with good reason - cue sister getting engaged and wanting her engagement party the week before my wedding, in my wedding venue), DP and I have our invites.

Day time we know who is coming.
Night time is where we are struggling. I work as a teacher, in a school with 20 staff (teaching, admin, assistants). Ideally I want to invite them all to the evening reception but, due to numbers and venue capacity, cannot invite their partners. All of these people have worked together for years and are fairly close. The wedding venue is, at the maximum distance, 15 minutes away from everyone (for most it's 5 and under). Wedding is a Saturday night. I have never met their partners but hope that if even half of them come, or round about half, they won't be alone.

I still feel like I'm breaking some 'code'. Wibu to invite colleagues with no partner's under these circumstances? I don't expect them all to say yes, and I fully understand and accept that.

OP posts:

HaveNoSocks · 26/01/2019 20:10

I think that's totally fine - you should probably mention to them you're aware they have partners but unfortunately you can't accommodate them but would like to have them there.

Personally I wouldn't want to travel for miles and pay for overnight accommodation to a wedding where my husband wasn't invited but a Saturday night, close to home, among of group of people I know (and who also won't have partners there so I don't feel like a third wheel). That sounds great. I'd be happy to go.

HaveNoSocks · 26/01/2019 20:13

really don't see the point of an evening invitation only.

The point is that you're not super close but you're invested enough to want a part in their celebration. It's crazy to imagine people are going to travel long distances and buy an expensive gift if they're only invited for the evening but in the OP's case it's fine. It's changed from the tradition 100 years ago but it's not a problem (unless you're the bride's sister or best friend in which case yes I would be upset).

DonCorleoneTheThird · 26/01/2019 20:13

I would think them really weird if they did take it as a personal slight.
not a slight, it's just weird, why do you need to invite them in the first place?

If I throw a birthday party for my kids, I don't have 2 tiers of guests either. It's probably true, it must be a cultural thing. Wedding, party or barbecue, I only invite as many as I can afford and cater for, I wouldn't dream of telling them to buy their own drinks or their own food.

RubiksQueen · 26/01/2019 20:19

If we invited only who we could afford for whole day we'd be inviting practically none of my friends as my OH has a massive family!

And yes I have 'tiers' of friends because my friends who I like very well are not as important to me as my best mate or my sister. Sorry.

It's bloody well not recent either unless you think 30 years and counting is 'recent' as I remember us going to a service and reception of a woman from church when I was in primary school!

OP it sounds fine

DonCorleoneTheThird · 26/01/2019 20:25

when you can't even be bothered to provide the drinks on top of it, but still expect people to turn up and buy you a wedding gift, it's grabby as hell, sorry.

It's your day, you do what you want. Everyone understand you want something that looks better than you can afford, but people are allowed to laugh!

BaconMaker · 26/01/2019 20:28

The A and B list thing is only an issue if you're insensitive about how you do it. Obviously anyone close to you or who would need to travel far needs an entire day invite. If you have a group of friends who all know each other then need to be all A list or all B list.

In OP's case we're talking about work colleagues she's only known a year. An evening only invite without partners is absolutely fine. I very much doubt they'll expect or even want an entire day invite. It will essentially be a work night out and partners will probably he happy to stay home with the kids (rather than paying a babysitter/sorting childcare) or watch a movie and get a takeaway rather than going to the wedding reception of someone they don't know.

PandaMa · 26/01/2019 20:31

I know no one who would laugh at being at a wedding and paying for their own booze nor anyone who would expect a free bar. We put a little money behind the bar and people were actually really surprised we'd done that. It's definitely not something most people would class as a must.

BaconMaker · 26/01/2019 20:34

It's your day, you do what you want. Everyone understand you want something that looks better than you can afford, but people are allowed to laugh!

Bloody hell you've written quite a few (increasingly nasty) comments on this topic. You've already admitted you're just struggling with cultural differences so why continue to be unpleasant about it? Nobody expects evening guests to buy an expensive gift. It's totally normal now for not all drinks to be provided during the evening reception.

Lots of us would actually prefer an evening only reception invite from work colleagues. I'd enjoy the chance to wish the couple well and have fun with work friends but to be honest I'd prefer not to spend the whole day doing it.

Yes it's a two tier system but no more so than having a tier system where some people are invited and some aren't at all. People can always just not go.

DonCorleoneTheThird · 26/01/2019 20:39

You are allowed to have a tier system of guests and expect them to pay for the privilege of attending your day, I am allowed to have an opinion!

I have very rarely attended a wedding where guests had to buy their drinks or their food - apparently that's a thing too nowadays, most people manage to host for their guests one way or another. It's a choice isn't it, not even a budget issue. You prioritise some things, others prioritise their guests.

I bet you would find it odd if you had to pay for the drinks of your kids at a kids party, even if it was 50p for a glass of squash.

Butteredghost · 26/01/2019 20:40

Where I'm from (Australia) there isn't this evening guest system, so it seems weird to me. But it is acceptable here and it makes sense really - everyone understands that friendships have varying levels of closeness.

In fact I'd be really weirded out if I went to a work colleagues wedding and they had me sitting at the top table and giving a speech - so it goes both ways. If I go to my sisters wedding it's the biggest formal night of the year for me, if it's a colleagues wedding it's going to be low key night having a laugh with work mates.

PastaCake · 26/01/2019 20:43

@DonCorleoneTheThird

when you can't even be bothered to provide the drinks on top of it, but still expect people to turn up and buy you a wedding gift, it's grabby as hell, sorry.

The most recent evening reception I've been to didn't include any gift list information, so I rang and asked. Is this not normal?

DonCorleoneTheThird · 26/01/2019 20:45

but that's the thing, it's not such an acceptable thing for everyone in here. There are plenty of local people who don't find it normal at all.

If it was the actual custom, I could understand, but it really isn't. Speaking with many local friends and having been to quite a few weddings, it's not considered "normal" for that many people.

Butterymuffin · 26/01/2019 20:46

This is one of the few scenarios where it is IMHO acceptable to have evening only guests - when it's a big group of work friends who will interact with one another at the event and therefore have company so can be invited without partners. Go for it.

WaxOnFeckOff · 26/01/2019 20:58

Perfectly normal. We did that and it was fine, quite a lot came and it was like a work night out. DH invited everyone form his Uni class the week before the wedding!! As in "if anyone is free next Saturday then feel free to come along to ......" Thankfully only about 5 came rather than than the 20 odd he'd said it to :o

BaconMaker · 26/01/2019 20:59

If it was the actual custom, I could understand, but it really isn't. Speaking with many local friends and having been to quite a few weddings, it's not considered "normal" for that many people.

I've lived in a few different places and at least those within the UK this was totally normal. People often don't want to spend an entire day. Their partners especially don't want to have to come along and waste all Saturday watching the wedding of someone they've never met (with all the hassle of keeping kids well behaved or finding childcare etc.)

Nobody OP works with is going to be upset by an evening only invite. If they don't want to come they'll simply make their excuses and no harm will be done. I imagine quite a few of them will want to come and will be glad of the invite.

Friedspamfritters · 26/01/2019 21:03

Like PP I think this is fine. I would never do an evening only invite to someone who might be expecting a full day invite or leave out their partner if they won't know anyone else there but an entire group of work colleagues who obviously wouldn't get an invite otherwise and all live close by it's fine. It's very much the norm these days and everyone knows you're not expected to buy an expensive gift in that situation.

WaxOnFeckOff · 26/01/2019 21:03

I think it's very normal to have evening only invites and don't see it as a slight at all. We tend to have wedding/meal with close family and friends (ours was 50 as we both have big families and that was the limit of the venue for the wedding and meal) then we had about another 100 in the evening, more distant family (aunts & uncles) plus work and ex work colleagues/more recent friends. That's usually just a big party with band/disco and buffet laid on. We didn't expect or ask for presents. Some of them grouped together though and bought us something so it was more like a fiver each in a pot rather than a £40 gift each.

BackforGood · 26/01/2019 21:07

Good grief people - if you want to debate how you think weddings should be done - go off and start your own thread. Leave the OP alone.

In the UK, for the last 4 decades to my knowledge, potentially longer, it has been pretty normal to extend the tradition (from previous decades) of having a meal then getting changed in to your 'going away outfit' and heading off to catch the train to your honeymoon, into having a party in the evening to which you are then also able to invite other friends that you wouldn't have been able to invite without having that additional party. These tend to be colleagues, and friends from hobbies, and sports teams, etc.

Yes, OP - it is perfectly normal / acceptable / expected even, in my world - to invite colleagues as a group, without partners to such a do.

I hope you have a lovely evening and can ignore the unkind posters on here who just love to criticise.

MrsSchadenfreude · 26/01/2019 21:08

I prefer to go to the evening event! No hanging about, no need for an expensive gift, no dull food and endless speeches.

kalefire · 26/01/2019 21:27

I don't like evening only invites. They are (in my experience) grabby as they still contain the whole 'give us some money' poem (vom)

Maybe that's just my "friends" though

Although as I've got older and my circle of friends has widened I can definitely see the difference along class lines when it comes to invitations...

But anyway, back to the OP.

If you're doing evening invites for a large group of colleagues I think it's perfectly acceptable to not give plus 1s. Just please don't expect/ask for gifts/financial contribution. And at least provide a lil snack at some point?

emilybrontescorsett · 26/01/2019 21:40

I think two tier weddings are fine.
They have been going on for years.
As long as you invite all your work colleagues then they will have someone to talk to.

Handprints2018 · 26/01/2019 22:50

I love evening invites. I accept some but not all. Just an excuse to get together with friends and raise a glass to the happy couple. I've declined a couple as i haven't been so close to B&G, bit most have been workmates so its been a fun celebration. I wouldn't be so interested to see the day as small talk with people i barely know and speeches that i don't get references too arent fun.

I'd invite them OP. Its the done thing all around here. Most weddings are pretty low budget, family and close friends during the day then the knees up after for everyone.

Handprints2018 · 26/01/2019 22:50

By invite them i mean workmates but not partners.

Original poster

sailorcherries · 26/01/2019 23:05

DonCorleone I may have had wine tonight but do fuck off.
None of my invites have a gift list, or money poem, day or evening.
All of my guests will have a drink and food provided.

I don't want a £40,000 on a £400 budget.

I didn't even ask your opinion on evening invites in general

OP posts:

Hobbesmanc · 28/01/2019 14:44

I just don't get the negativity here. I'm now late forties and all my adult life (and at my own wedding) apart from a couple held abroad, there's always been a day and night do. I'd expect day invites to have the invite including partner especially if they need to pay for accommodation. Drinks wise- a drink on arrival, a few more with the photos and toasts and maybe a few wines at the table. Paid for bar in most venues.

Evening guests should be expected to bring a gift and a drink on arrival is expected - but no more- plus cold buffet. Evening should be about the Bride and Groom having a laugh rather than trying to juggle being great hosts, managing complex family dynamics and waiting around patiently for the photographer

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