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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wedding guest etiquette

67 replies

sailorcherries · 25/01/2019 22:16

So, after my last post where I had a good moan (with good reason - cue sister getting engaged and wanting her engagement party the week before my wedding, in my wedding venue), DP and I have our invites.

Day time we know who is coming.
Night time is where we are struggling. I work as a teacher, in a school with 20 staff (teaching, admin, assistants). Ideally I want to invite them all to the evening reception but, due to numbers and venue capacity, cannot invite their partners. All of these people have worked together for years and are fairly close. The wedding venue is, at the maximum distance, 15 minutes away from everyone (for most it's 5 and under). Wedding is a Saturday night. I have never met their partners but hope that if even half of them come, or round about half, they won't be alone.

I still feel like I'm breaking some 'code'. Wibu to invite colleagues with no partner's under these circumstances? I don't expect them all to say yes, and I fully understand and accept that.

OP posts:

ApolloandDaphne · 28/01/2019 14:50

Evening invites have been a thing for a long time. We had evening guests at our wedding over 30 years ago. And guests had to pay for their own drinks. I have been to very few weddings where there was a free bar all night. It is also fine to invite colleagues without partners to the evening do.

Hillarious · 28/01/2019 15:00

We had evening guests when we got married 25 years ago - mainly friends and neighbours of my parents (which DH found a bit strange but he's from the south and I live up north and everyone's very friendly) and the parents of some of my old school friends. No-one was offended. The evening guests did bring presents. We didn't provide their drinks for the evening, but my dad did do the rounds and bought plenty on a more personal level.

Off to an evening do myself in May. It's a work colleague I've known for nearly three years. We'll take a present and we won't expect our drinks to be provided all evening.

DonCorleoneTheThird · 28/01/2019 16:16

sailorcherries
I love people who have to become rude and insulting when you dare disagreeing with them, or in your case answering their question!

Well, you are the one who thinks their wedding is such an amazing event that people will be so excited to give up an evening with their partner to assist, not me! In real life, they won't but people are polite and will pretend to be super enthusiastic whilst frantically trying to find an excuse, or will attend because they feel they have to.

If you don't want people to tell you that they think you are being tacky, don't ask the question. I understand your wedding is for show, it looks good to have as many guests as possible to tag you on social media, enjoy it if that's what make you happy.

You could have done without insulting me, but that allows me to reply to you freely! And I didn't even need to use a swear word.

DorisDances · 28/01/2019 16:46

Nothing at all wrong with evening invites - reflects reality rather than offending people

Original poster

sailorcherries · 28/01/2019 17:42

DonCorleone you are just a twat aren't you?

A few points -

I'm inviting people from work to be polite, I have no expectations about them coming.
I have no gift list. I expect nothing from my guests.
I have no work colleagues on social media. I have close family only.
My wedding certainly isn't for show. I'm having a 'wedding' due to parental pressure. I wanted my DP and kids. No one else.
We aren't inviting 'as many people as possible' - that's why we aren't having partners.
I have very little expectation from my wedding because I hate the thought of being centre of attention. I think it will be fucking awful, not amazing.

And most importantly 7. The question was whether it was okay to invite evening colleagues without a partner not asking for you to make rude assumptions about myself, my character and your opinion on evening invites in general. If your ability to read and comprehend is somehow lacking then I apologise, however you were the one who used this as an opportunity to be downright rude and nasty. It seems to me that you have an over inflated sense of importance and very little to do during the day.
Oh dear. I swore again.

OP posts:

Original poster

sailorcherries · 28/01/2019 17:44

Oh and you made 6 posts - 1 to me and 5 to others and yet still made assumptions about myself and my wedding.
All 6 didn't answer the question.

OP posts:

LooksBetterWithAFilter · 28/01/2019 17:50

To answer your question I’ve been invited to colleagues weddings both with and without partner was never offended when it was only me asked it’s just nice to be asked.

For this spouting about day and evening the only wedding I’ve been to that didn’t have day and evening guests was my own and that was because we had a family and close friends only wedding because that’s what we wanted not because of a tier system. You’ll all faint clean away then as well when I say my friend got married my parents were invited to the evening and then when some other people couldn’t make it my parents were bumped up to all day and guess what they were delighted to be invited, understood why they had originally been evening only and were not offended at being second tier and getting bumped up to all day because they are sensible human beings that live in the real world.

BackforGood · 28/01/2019 23:43

Wow Doncorleone. Do you not have many friends ?

I'm not surprised if you really think like this.

IME, people like being invited to spend time with friends, at parties. Of course, if they don't wish to, they are completely welcome to decline the invitation, but what kind of people do you mix with that you think 'going to a party' = 'giving up an evening with their partner to assist' ?

If I receive an invitation to help celebrate someone's 'life event', my usual response is to think "How nice" - firstly, how nice that they are celebrating their wedding / birthday / anniversary / whatever, and then 'how nice' that they've been kind enough to invite me.

As for this ridiculous comment :
I understand your wedding is for show, it looks good to have as many guests as possible to tag you on social media

Words fail me. You must have a pretty sad and bitter life if you can project all of that tosh from a bride to be checking that it is OK to not invite colleagues partners to her wedding

LoksBetterWithaFilter I hear you. I've been to a wedding where I was an evening guest, and got a phone call the day before the wedding asking if I'd like to come to the meal as someone had had to drop out last minute. Like your parents, I thought 'oh, how nice of them to ask me' and didn't strop and ''cut my nose off to spite my face' and refuse to go because I'd originally been invited as an evening guest. Rather like your parents, I live in a normal world where I have grasped that being a colleague of someone, or happening to sing in the same choir as them, or play a sport alongsdie them means I am not as close to the couple as their lifelong friend they went through school with, or their cousin, or sibling. It isn't too difficult for most people to understand.

TooManyPaws · 28/01/2019 23:58

I can remember evening guests back when I was a bridesmaid to my cousin in the late 60s. That's when the sit-down formal dinner became a dance, going on till the early hours. Scots weddings have been full blown hoolies for a very long time.

On the other hand, all the English weddings we were invited to ended around 4pm until around the 1980s.

AnotherPidgey · 29/01/2019 00:05

I've no issue with no +1's in groups such as colleagues where there is a cluster that know eachother, and the partners aren't known.

Evening guests are fine for more casual friends/ aquaintences who are local.

It's only really a faux pas if you are splitting people who could reasonably consider themselves as equals with other day guests or expect an unreasonable amount of travel/ expense for an evening out, which is not what OP is doing.

EmiliaAirheart · 29/01/2019 03:46

*A few points -

I'm inviting people from work to be polite, I have no expectations about them coming.*

These are colleagues, not close family or friends. Why would anyone want to be a recipient of an invitation merely "to be polite"? 2. I have no gift list. I expect nothing from my guests. How magnanimous of you. Of course guests will bring presents anyway, it's their unwritten end of the bargain for being hosted. 4. My wedding certainly isn't for show. I'm having a 'wedding' due to parental pressure. I wanted my DP and kids. No one else. If you didn't want it, you wouldn't be having it. Anyway, I doubt parental pressure extends to caring if your colleagues are there. 5. We aren't inviting 'as many people as possible' - that's why we aren't having partners. Not inviting partners, as many have said (or will not say, but would be thinking), is often seen as poor form. 6. I have very little expectation from my wedding because I hate the thought of being centre of attention. I think it will be fucking awful, not amazing. That's a bit grim. You're a grown woman with your own family - can you really not stand up to parental pressure? A registry office wedding or elopement would see you just as married, if it's the legal side of things you care about.

Original poster

sailorcherries · 29/01/2019 18:51

Emilia again, another determined to twist words.

By being polite it is because yes inviting colleagues is the polite, well mannered, thing to do.
If people bring gifts they bring them. People have already asked and I've told them nothing.
When you are pressured by parents and family on both sides and they both refuse to come to your small wedding it becomes harder to say no.
Well many people have said otherwise, and they have no reason to do so.
I'd feel that way if we had 10 guests or 1000. That is a completely different issue.

OP posts:

Dreamingofkfc · 29/01/2019 19:00

I missed the other thread, is your sister having her engagement party at your venue??? What???

Anyways, yes it's totally fine to invite work people without partners esp if there's a few going.

RubiksQueen · 29/01/2019 19:07

OP you are NOT being unreasonable, weddings are not for 'show' , it's perfectly bloody acceptable not to invite partners of people you work with and no people generally don't expect gifts from evening guests - maybe a joint one from the group is nice but nothing more than that!

areyoureallysaying · 29/01/2019 19:09

Sailorcherries Not sure where everyone else has been living but in the 42 years of my life I've attended many weddings and there has always been extra guests in the evening. At my own we had a pretty much open invite in the evening as it was a large venue.
As far as the partner thing goes, if I'm attending a colleagues wedding or a friend that my husband doesn't really know, I wouldn't take him (even if he was invited) as he'd be bored and I'd rather party with my mates.

Also please stop replying to DonCorleone He/She obviously has nothing better to do tonight that spout out utter rubbish. They know nothing about you or your wedding. And to suggest that your colleagues would only be attending out of politeness as they dont care about you or your wedding is just rude!

Invite them and enjoy your big day xxxx

TheProvincialLady · 29/01/2019 19:16

Weddings certainly do seem to bring the nobhead out in some people.

OP what you are proposing is completely fine and normal.

EmiliaAirheart · 29/01/2019 19:47

How is it twisting your words? You’re having a wedding to pander to your family’s emotional blackmail, sure, but I fail to see how the decision to invite your colleagues is about manners rather than the fact that you want them there? If you really don’t mind if they’re there, the solution is in your hands!

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