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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can a relationship between sexual and asexual couple ever work ?

68 replies

Amimad2019 · 25/01/2019 13:35

Does anyone have any experience in this area. Can it work? Me high sex drive, him none??new relationship. Honest from the start . Not hugely willing to compromise . It’s just the way it is and will be ? Cheers

OP posts:
ChairmanMiaow123 · 25/01/2019 13:37

In a word: no.

Surely you (as the party with the stronger sex drive) can see you’re on a hiding to nothing here.
Relationships fall apart for a lot less than that.

HamiltonCork · 25/01/2019 13:38

No.

You’ll make each other miserable.

Momo18 · 25/01/2019 13:38

I doubt it. I couldn't do it, I'd end up hating them and myself.

JacquesHammer · 25/01/2019 13:39

Not hugely willing to compromise

However laudable their honesty is, this rang alarm bells for me. Never willing to compromise?

Not a relationship.

You must see you're not compatible

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/01/2019 13:42

Me high sex drive, him none??

There are handfuls of threads on here every single week about people in long established relationships, many of which started with both parties having matching libidos and interests, being torn apart by one wanting sex and one not. It's like an epidemic. To go into a relationship knowing it's already an issue is sheer insanity. Don't do it.

ChasedByBees · 25/01/2019 13:45

What form would your relationship take if it had no sexual aspect to it? Would it be a friendship or closer? What physicality would there be and would you be content with never anything more from this person?

Either you would have to be happy with celibacy or arrange an open relationship but it doesn’t sound especially fufilling.

Onlyjoinedforthisthread · 25/01/2019 13:46

Who isn't willing to compromise?

Original poster
Amimad2019 · 25/01/2019 13:48

But if we could work on some compromise. I really do not want to let him go. He is a fantastic partner to have in every other way. He has been honest but I believe that he is not too concerned about my sexual needs only his own . Any experience of this? What can I do?

OP posts:
SushiMonster · 25/01/2019 13:49

Why would you want to compromise? It’s not a turn on having sex with someone you know hates it and is only doing it to please you??

VinnythePanda · 25/01/2019 13:50

I have an asexual friend in a very happy marriage. They have an open relationship so her partner had sex with others. Unconventional but it seems to work for them.

Would you consider something like that? I’m not sure it could work otherwise, sadly.

Wheeesht · 25/01/2019 13:50

You can't do anything. He is who he is and you are who you are and the two aren't compatible in a romantic relationship. You can try and kid yourself for a few years but ultimately you'll be miserable.

kaytee87 · 25/01/2019 13:51

He has been honest but I believe that he is not too concerned about my sexual needs only his own

Excuse my ignorance but doesn't being asexual mean you don't have sexual needs as such?

Op I don't think it will work.

Calvinsmam · 25/01/2019 13:51

However laudable their honesty is, this rang alarm bells for me. Never willing to compromise?

I think that not wanting sex is something you shouldn’t have to compromise on to be honest.

Original poster
Amimad2019 · 25/01/2019 13:54

He likes physical touch eg massage / cuddles and kissing just not sexual relationship. He would not agree to an open relationship and has had piv sex with me and others but does not like it at all. I am starting to get frustrated .

OP posts:
HelloDarlin · 25/01/2019 13:58

Do you want to have kids with this guy? It will be an issue when it comes to trying.
I have a friend who always had a fun sex life, until she married a not-fussed-about-sex guy.
She loves the companionship, hugs etc that she never got from previous hook-ups, but misses excitement.
Reason I mention TTC is that they are going for IVF, not because of infertility, but lack of sex...

Isadora2007 · 25/01/2019 13:58

If he likes physical touch- would he be willing to bring you to orgasm via non PIV like fingering etc?
I can’t understand how you could have the kisses and cuddles without
Ending up seriously sexually frustrated otherwise.

MyFriendGoo5 · 25/01/2019 13:59

If a man posted on here that he co erced his female partner into sex even tho they didn't like it he would be slaughtered. Revived then slaughtered again.

My advice is to leave. This can't ever be fair on either of you.

easyandy101 · 25/01/2019 14:00

If you can fuck (respectfully and responsibly) outside of the relationship then yes

Wheeesht · 25/01/2019 14:03

He would not agree to an open relationship and has had piv sex with me and others but does not like it at all. I am starting to get frustrated

Read what you've written OP. This is going nowhere. He doesn't want sex but doesn't want you to have sex with anyone else either.

Walk away.

Original poster
Amimad2019 · 25/01/2019 14:04

He may consider foreplay but then it stops and I am frustrated. He doesn’t like anything remotely sexual but I’m sure he would try if I really wanted it . I want him to want to. He says that while he admires beauty and attractive women , he does not ever get physically turned on by women. Difficult to understand for me .

OP posts:
Original poster
Amimad2019 · 25/01/2019 14:07

I will not be coercing sex a man who does not want sex of course, I am asking if you think there is a away to compromise but it doesn’t sound like it from your experiences . I would like kids .

OP posts:
Ribbonsonabox · 25/01/2019 14:07

No. Not if he will not consider an open relationship but really hates doing anything sexual himself. It will make both of you hate each other in the end.

Calvinsmam · 25/01/2019 14:10

Why on earth would you want any sexual contact with someone who wasn’t enjoying.
Getting a mercy wank from time to time would be soul crushing for you and tantamount to sexual assault for him.

Wheeesht · 25/01/2019 14:11

It will chip away at your self-esteem too.

slashlover · 25/01/2019 14:17

Not hugely willing to compromise

Well no, because that's his sexuality.