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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Can a relationship between sexual and asexual couple ever work ?

68 replies

Amimad2019 · 25/01/2019 13:35

Does anyone have any experience in this area. Can it work? Me high sex drive, him none??new relationship. Honest from the start . Not hugely willing to compromise . It’s just the way it is and will be ? Cheers

OP posts:

MattBerrysHair · 25/01/2019 14:17

He may consider foreplay but then it stops and I am frustrated. He doesn’t like anything remotely sexual but I’m sure he would try if I really wanted it . I want him to want to.

You have to accept that he will never want to. The fact that you have done foreplay together and had PIV shows that he has tried to compromise but that it just doesn't work. Walk away.

Rezie · 25/01/2019 14:17

Open relationship is a compromise, but if that is off table then there is not a lot to do. Is he willing to use toys or would you be happy if he used a dildo or oral etc.

Sex is a big part of relationship.

Original poster

Amimad2019 · 25/01/2019 14:18

I am o oh learnog. This is new for me. It is difficult to understand . I want him to want me sexually aswell. He doesn’t so can it ever work part from the sex issue is my issue. If I felt there was a chance, I would give it my best try . It’s a new relationship so I’m trying not to be too pushy with the questions . If we wanted a kid, how would that happen. He would be having sex against his will which is absolutely not going to happen is it? IVF? Artificial insemination? We have had sex but it’s uneventful and no foreplay at all

OP posts:

slashlover · 25/01/2019 14:19

He doesn’t like anything remotely sexual but I’m sure he would try if I really wanted it .

What is a partner wanted something you didn't like (anal/peeing/etc.) and insisted that you would try it if he really wanted it?

Frustratedfrenchie · 25/01/2019 14:22

No don't do it. I have a high sex drive and couldn't be with someone who wasn't on the page.

JacquesHammer · 25/01/2019 14:22

I think that not wanting sex is something you shouldn’t have to compromise on to be honest

I didn’t mean compromise about that. I meant it rang alarm bells because it seems to have shut down any discussion with the OP.

“I’m not willing to compromise” means the relationship is untenable. They’re simply not right for each other - neither is in the wrong, of course.

Original poster

Amimad2019 · 25/01/2019 14:23

No I would not do what I did not want to do and I don’t expect him to either. I would love if he wanted to want to, but he doesn’t . It is who he is. I’m learning . I accept him and like him a lot so I wonder can it ever work between a couple like this if I feel frustrated early in the relationship. I would love to know how such couples work through their relationship physically . He doesn’t like toys

OP posts:

JacquesHammer · 25/01/2019 14:25

I feel frustrated early in the relationship

I think you’ve answered your own question OP

slashlover · 25/01/2019 14:26

OP - he has told you his limits, if you can't accept them and are getting frustrated already then it wont work.

You could check out AVEN (there are forums there) www.asexuality.org

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 25/01/2019 14:28

He may consider foreplay but then it stops and I am frustrated. He doesn’t like anything remotely sexual but I’m sure he would try if I really wanted it . I want him to want to. He says that while he admires beauty and attractive women , he does not ever get physically turned on by women. Difficult to understand for me

He is asexual. He won't be able to fulfil your sexual needs long term. If you don't want to give up sex, or take care of yourself, this won't work. He can't meet your needs.

It would be like if he had one arm, and you wanted him to have two. He has no interest in having two arms, he's not interested, he can't want it. He will never have two arms. So staying with him, if two arms is essential, is not wise. One or both of you will get frustrated and it will end badly.

Don't try and make him change for you. It won't work for either of you.

R3b3kah · 25/01/2019 14:29

I have a higher sex drive than my partner, when we first met he could happily go weeks or up to 2 months sometimes which was frustrating for me... but I adapted and so did he.
I don’t think I could stay in a relationship though where there is no sexual realationship at all, I get flustered if he finishes before me so I don’t know how your coping!
I have a sulk if it finishes too soon

Sparklesocks · 25/01/2019 14:29

You’re entitled to sex, he’s entitled to live his life without being pressured into sexual activity. Unfortunately you are both reasonable in your needs, but it’s unlikely to work as a partnership.

If he was open to you finding sex elsewhere (quietly) then that might be a compromise, but as you’ve said he isn’t open to that I’m not sure where else you can go. Even if he did have sex with you occasionally I doubt you’d be comfortable knowing he isn’t enjoying it.

Therefore the only way it could work was if you were happy to remove sex from your life and be ok with just kisses/cuddles and masturbation. But it doesn’t sound like that’s enough for you. And that’s ok, you’re perfectly reasonable to want to sex and to enjoy it with someone who is just as into it as you are.

Unfortunately I can’t see how you can move past this. Sex isn’t the most important thing but it is significant.

Sethis · 25/01/2019 14:32

He likes physical touch eg massage / cuddles and kissing just not sexual relationship. He would not agree to an open relationship... He doesn’t like toys.

Fuck that. I'd be out like a shot.

If your partner is both unable/unwilling to satisfy your sexual needs and refuses to contemplate any other way for you to satisfy your sexual needs without them being present, then that relationship is completely doomed.

At some point in the dim and distant future, you are either going to have an affair, and be miserable, or you're going to not have an affair, and be miserable in a slightly different way.

There is no happy ending here.

I came onto the thread hoping that the asexual partner would be willing to let their partner have a fuck buddy, because in that case it's possible that it just might be viable, but nope, not in this case.

He doesn't want sex
You do want sex

If nobody is willing to compromise then there's absolutely no way to make this work. It's the same as if he wanted children and you didn't, or he wanted to be a vegetarian household and you didn't. There's a fundamental divide here that's insurmountable.

Downtheroadfirstonleft · 25/01/2019 14:33

Are you sure he's not gay rather than asexual?

Squidgee · 25/01/2019 14:34

It wont work. You will just end up resenting him.

I'm a 'grey-ace' which is a variety of demi-sexual (only able to feel sexual attraction towards people I have a strong emotional bond with, but the grey-ace part is that i dont actually like the physical act of sex, and I prefer kissing/cuddling)

I make it very clear now as my ExH was never able to accept that it wasn't him I wasn't interested in, it was a lack of interest in sex with anyone else altogether... and once he started resenting that he killed the emotional bond I had with him and that put paid to any sexual interest in him whatsoever.

If you cant accept him on his terms for his sexuality, you're on a hiding to unhappiness.

rytonsister · 25/01/2019 14:37

every post on this thread you keep asking the same question - can it work etc
how would i have child etc

it wont work and you cant make it work - you have said he wont compromise and is not interested in a sexual relationship with you.
so you either write off any kind of sex life forever while with him or you find someone compatible.

MeredithGrey1 · 25/01/2019 14:39

I normally go against the grain on these threads because I do believe relationships can work if there are differing sex drives (not saying they always work, but I think they can). But someone who is asexual and never wants sex being in a relationship with someone who does, seems very unlikely to work. But ultimately I do think it is only you who can decide whether you are ok with it, which I know isn’t very helpful but sex is such a personal thing that even someone who had been in the same situation as you wouldn’t be able to tell you for sure whether you personally can deal with it.

formerbabe · 25/01/2019 14:40

Hell no.

BeekyChitch · 25/01/2019 14:42

It could work if you weren't fussed about sex but it seems that sex is a big thing for you. In this case I would say no it would not work. You will always want more whereas he's happy with less. Leave now and save the heartache down the line.

ShartGoblin · 25/01/2019 14:46

If you can fuck (respectfully and responsibly) outside of the relationship then yes

Agreed - if you can agree an open relationship where the romance part is with him and the sex part is fulfilled elsewhere then it is entirely possible to make it work. If this isn't acceptable to either one of you then no, this will eat away at you and you'll end up being cold and bitter.

I read no compromise as "He won't compromise by having sex" rather than "He isn't willing to discuss alternatives" so it really depends which one of those you meant as I think a lot of people assumed the latter.

formerbabe · 25/01/2019 14:47

I'm amazed anyone wouldn't consider entering into a "relationship" like this.

Surely if you were dating and someone said 'just to let you know, I'm asexual"...your response would be ' oh well, nice to have met you anyway, best of luck for the future' and that would be the end of it.

Wheeesht · 25/01/2019 14:48

I agree, formerbabe.

Anytime I've fallen head over heels from someone from the get-go it's because there's been off the charts sexual chemistry between us. But I'm guessing this can't be the case in the OP's situation.

formerbabe · 25/01/2019 14:50

*would not wouldn't obviously!

Original poster

Amimad2019 · 25/01/2019 14:53

He isn’t willing to discuss alternatives was the point I was making. No to opening up relationship. No to toys . No to piv. Just cuddles massage and kissing . That’s it. I did wonder about him being gay initially. At risk of being flamed for suggesting stereotypes, he is quite feminine, very interested in my style and beauty..more close to females rather than males in his life etc .

OP posts:

Original poster

Amimad2019 · 25/01/2019 14:55

It’s been a slow burn for us. It has taken a long time for us to even meet up regularly. I only consider us a proper couple for a matter of weeks as he was less interested than me for a long time but he has started to see us as serious I think

OP posts:

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