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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel guilty my dh is having the snip?

66 replies

buttonspinner · 24/01/2019 23:02

I'm very very lucky to have a wonderful dh (blech, I know that sounds twee) and after completing our family I had a copper IUD fitted. Twelve months down the line and I'm having horrendous pains, next level bleeding and it's just not working for me at all.

I've had the pill, the implant, the injection, used condoms and tbh our second dc was the failure of the pill and a map (wouldn't swap them for the world though and pleased it work out that way).

Dh has said that he will have a vasectomy and to get my iud out (obviously after testing etc has come back all clear).

He suggested it and I have asked him if he's 100% sure, he has assured me that this is what he wants to do.

He had an appointment at the doctor's today and they actually tried to dissuade him saying if we divorced and met someone else would he not want to start a new family with them (a whole other thread in itself , though I know they have to be thorough) and now he is waiting for a referral.

He is happy with his decision, we have our two kids, I am certain I do not want anymore as does he, we have a good life and a comfortable income, but why do I feel guilty he's doing this? It all feels a bit final and even though I didn't suggest it, or encourage it, it feels like it's all because of my issues with contraception. I even felt weird making the phonecall to book the appointment for him as if by doing it I was forcing it upon him. Daft, I know!

I know that I should be pleased dh is happy to do this and it feels like the right decision but I can't help wonder that, because contraception is so weighted to the female that I actual feel some sort of warped guilt for it.

I know I'm being silly but why do I feel so guilty?

OP posts:

MargotLovedTom1 · 24/01/2019 23:10

I don't know., but you shouldn't. At all. You're not forcing him to undergo this minor procedure after all. I felt nothing but relief when my husband had his.

Klopptimist · 24/01/2019 23:10

Oh you daft article, a man does not volunteer to have a vasectomy unless he does not want any more children. Don't forget it takes two to make a baby! He does indeed sound like a good 'un, you're very lucky!

Mrsbclinton · 24/01/2019 23:15

Is he 100 percent happy with his decision?
If so you should feel no guilt. Contraception is a joint responsibility.
I did feel sorry for him after the procedure as he was in some discomfort and it was the hottest day of the year! but he was fine a few days later and said his only regret was not getting it done sooner.

Original poster

buttonspinner · 24/01/2019 23:16

I know I'm being really silly. I think it's just so final that it's a bit scary.

I know for a fact i couldn't go through pregnancy or small wakeful babies again. Our eldest was such a horrendous sleeper We were miserable. But despite it all he was really hands-on and did everything possible to share the load where possible. He absolutely loves being a dad and I'm just worried he'll suddenly change his mind one day. Even though he's super stubborn and never does.

OP posts:

archlight · 24/01/2019 23:20

My DH pretty much sprinted into the surgery the minute I gave both to DS3! (Slight exaggeration) I felt it was too final despite knowing i was finished but DH knew he wanted it done. It’s a weird feeling!

Fatasfook · 24/01/2019 23:24

See this pisses me off, would they put the same scenario to a woman? If he ends up with someone else he still has two children, that doesn’t change? Grrrrrr

HarrysPoorFoot · 24/01/2019 23:25

Contraception involves both parties. It isn't your duty to put up with horrible side effects so he can have sex without worry. OK, that sounds harsh but the point is, he needs to take responsibility as well. If he is happy getting the snip, then that's all OK.

Are YOU OK with it though?

HarrysPoorFoot · 24/01/2019 23:27

@Fatasfook I was actually asked how I would feel if my child died and I couldn't have anymore.

AngeloMysterioso · 24/01/2019 23:29

Better to take the bullets out of the gun than to strap a bulletproof vest on and hope for best...

archlight · 24/01/2019 23:33

@AngeloMysterioso 🤣🤣🤣

archlight · 24/01/2019 23:37

On a different note my MIL (who I love dearly) called every hour, on the hour to check how 'her boy' was feeling.

'He's a bit tender Sheila, but to be honest it's nothing compared to pushing a human being out of your lady garden'

I obviously didn't say that but wish to god I did.

TitusAndromedom · 24/01/2019 23:46

We’re in a similar situation. Just had #3 and DH has said all through the pregnancy that he would gave a vasectomy afterwards. Went to the GP appointment and he was apparently asked all sorts of questions about what he would do if I died or if something happened to one of our children. He was also asked if I’d explored long-term contraception options, with the implication being that one of those would be a better choice. The referral was made, but now my DH is having second thoughts. I still want him to have it done, but it doesn’t feel right to express that view because it needs to be his decision. I feel a bit guilty that I’m all keen, but I’m certainly not taking sole responsibility any more for contraception.

BusySnipingOnCallOfDuty · 24/01/2019 23:50

See this pisses me off, would they put the same scenario to a woman? If he ends up with someone else he still has two children, that doesn’t change? Grrrrrr

Actually yes, and it's much harder for women to get them. It took me an extra baby, which I lost, and a near death experience before they would clip my tubes. I'm not exaggerating and I still feel super angry at them. Not all contraception works for every woman. I had a problem with every single type, except sterilisation.

TheDowagerCuntess · 25/01/2019 00:29

Don't get me started.

Contraception is a couple's responsibility. Not a woman's. You've taken the full, 100% hit so far, and you have one of the decent ones, willing to offer and step up.

This is the least a loving male partner can do. The least.

Stop feeling guilty, and let him take a bit of pride in doing his small bit.

Once it's done and dusted, and you can reap the benefits, you'll look back on this and laugh!

Ninjafox · 25/01/2019 01:45

I wish my DH was as keen to do that. Every time we discuss it he says why don't you get it done?! As I point out that my body has already gone through the mill down there, it's his turn sort it out.

originalShapes · 25/01/2019 01:54

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RCohle · 25/01/2019 02:02

Don't feel bad! You've already done more than your fair share on the childbearing and contraception front - you shouldn't feel at all guilty about him shouldering some it now.

All that matters it's right for your family and he's totally happy with the choice.

Can I ask how old he is? I think sometimes it feels like more of a "loss" if he does have years of potential fatherhood ahead of him. I mean obviously men can father children until old age, but I think men in their late 50s can feel more settled in their decision than a man in his early 30s might. At least that's the impression I get from how hard GP's push the "hypothetical second family" angle at different ages and stages...

Claudia1980 · 25/01/2019 03:42

Don't feel guilty. Contraception is a 50/50 responsibility. I think it is so pathetic when men refuse for whatever reason. It's divorce material in my opinion if a husband refuses this after his wife has had multiple children and been responsible for contraception up to that point.

swimmerforlife · 25/01/2019 04:06

Do not feel guilty OP, most of the time contraception falls on the woman as they suffer from the consequences of an unplanned pregnancy. Time for him to do his share now.

DH had the snip last year. I could never take the pill because of my epilepsy medication so for the best part of 20 years I have to suffer through invasive treatments (implant, coil etc).

Thank fuck DH understood that now we have had our children he should be the one to step up.

TheDowagerCuntess · 25/01/2019 04:37

@originalShapes - you obviously haven't encountered me on a vasectomy thread before.

1 in 50?! Is that the best you can do? That risk is dwarfed by the risk women take when it comes to pregnancy and childbirth (up to, and including death), not to mention a lifetime of contraception.

1 in 50 is, frankly, laughable.

toomuchtooold · 25/01/2019 05:48

Dowager we should do a straw poll right now on how many mums on this thread wee themselves slightly if they sneeze or jump on a trampoline. Bet it's a damned sight higher that 1 in 50...

originalShapes · 25/01/2019 05:50

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swingofthings · 25/01/2019 05:58

I would feel guilty too because ultimately, he is giving up his fertility because of your issues. We never know what life will throw at us, divorce, death. He will carry this gift to you for the rest of his life.

However, he is the one who offered and he is happy with it, so look at it as complete devotion to you and how amazing it is to have such a wonderful husband and it might benefit him too indirectly if you are happier not worrying about pregnancy and in pain or unwell.

jessstan2 · 25/01/2019 06:07

He has volunteered to have the snip, it's not as though you are pushing him into it. As long he's weighed up the pros and cons thoroughly, please don' feel guilty. The other alternative would be for you to be sterilised and from what I understand from people who have had this done, it is not a big op nowadays, they are soon back to normal. So you have two choices.

I'm sorry you are having such pain, must be awful for you but will soon be over.

Mumblers · 25/01/2019 06:09

When I asked to be sterilised at the same time as my planned CS i got asked what I'd do 'if something terrible' happened to my 3 children.

Had massive regret straight after having it done but i was obviously a hormonal mess for a few months after having my 3rd. I can now honestly say it's the best decision I ever made (apart from the ridiculously heavy periods it has caused, but that's for another thread).

Don't feel guilty OP just be sure its 100% what you both want. There's a huge difference between not wanting anymore children and not being able to have any more.

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