To feel guilty my dh is having the snip?

[buttonspinner]

I'm very very lucky to have a wonderful dh (blech, I know that sounds twee) and after completing our family I had a copper IUD fitted. Twelve months down the line and I'm having horrendous pains, next level bleeding and it's just not working for me at all.

I've had the pill, the implant, the injection, used condoms and tbh our second dc was the failure of the pill and a map (wouldn't swap them for the world though and pleased it work out that way).

Dh has said that he will have a vasectomy and to get my iud out (obviously after testing etc has come back all clear).

He suggested it and I have asked him if he's 100% sure, he has assured me that this is what he wants to do.

He had an appointment at the doctor's today and they actually tried to dissuade him saying if we divorced and met someone else would he not want to start a new family with them (a whole other thread in itself , though I know they have to be thorough) and now he is waiting for a referral.

He is happy with his decision, we have our two kids, I am certain I do not want anymore as does he, we have a good life and a comfortable income, but why do I feel guilty he's doing this? It all feels a bit final and even though I didn't suggest it, or encourage it, it feels like it's all because of my issues with contraception. I even felt weird making the phonecall to book the appointment for him as if by doing it I was forcing it upon him. Daft, I know!

I know that I should be pleased dh is happy to do this and it feels like the right decision but I can't help wonder that, because contraception is so weighted to the female that I actual feel some sort of warped guilt for it.

I know I'm being silly but why do I feel so guilty?

It is much more final, but he seems happy to do it and you’ll feel better not struggling on contraceptives, so try not to feel guilty!

Best thing we ever did, some much stress free sex. I'm quite fertile and it's been wonderful.

When I asked to be sterilised at the same time as my planned CS i got asked what I'd do 'if something terrible' happened to my 3 children.

That is so weird! Do people routinely just have more babies to "replace" one who has died? If one of my DCs died I don't think my first thought would be "gee wish I hadn't had my tubes tied." Ridiculous

You shouldn't if he's sure. It's his choice and he has had the pre surgery counselling. I can't use hormonal contraception and had huge problems with the copper IUD so it was a great choice for us and the op/recovery was easy.

It’s a sensible solution OP. I had an ablation after the copper coil caused long term horrendous bleeding. I asked could I be sterilised as there’d be no more kids after the ablation but still risk of pregnancy and was refused on grounds it’s invasive. Don’t worry, it sounds like it’s the right solution all round. Plus I know 2 men who had successful reversals.

Its his body, his choice. He has made his decision and is happy with it.

There is nothing to feel guilty about.

My third child is six months and DH got the snip over a month ago. He was arranging it whilst I was pregnant. It did feel very final, but I don't want to use hormonal contraception, so that was that.

swingofthings you are kidding right? A life gift to the op? What about the 2 children the op carried and gave birth to? The fact the op stepped up first and sourced contraception? Its a vasectomy, it benefits him aswell. As a pp said my dh nearly knocked me out the door in his rush to get it done after dc3. No drama, no heroics, no guilt! He even rang up for himself.

The risks of childbirth are utterly unrelated to the pros and cons of various contraceptive choices.

There is no option but to run those risks if you want children. If you do not, then the pros and cons of the availabke methods, including the permanent surgical removal of fertility, need to be discussed and the most suitable one found. There should never be unfair pressure/ultimata for one of those methods. And the risks of vasectomy are routinely underestimated (it's 10% of the serious, long-lasting (meaning months/years/permanent) painful side effects, some of which require further surgery and some of which cannot be effectively treated, even by de-nervation.

"Do people routinely just have more babies to "replace" one who has died? "

To replace, never. To have more, quite possibly. The (long running) rainbow babies thread was very moving - the ravages of the storm cannot be repaired, but a rainbow can bring new light and hope.

OP: it seems your DH is happy with the risks of the operation, and has been well counselled about the implications, and is happy to go ahead. It is however a bit weird around the time of the procedure, because of the psychological difference between taking precautions and becoming infertile. It's the closing of a chapter of life, and feeling a bit wistful

it feels like it's all because of my issues with contraception

Contraception is (or should be) a shared responsibility. So your issues are his issues. You have taken responsibility for contraception throughout your entire relationship by the sound of it. You have also carried and given birth to two children, which comes with lots of risks and inevitably takes some kind of physical and emotional toll even if things go well. It is perfectly reasonable and sensible for your DH to have this procedure, which will give you both peace of mind, now that you've both agreed your family is complete. Your DH isn't commiting some selfless act or giving you a 'gift' by sacrificing his fertility as a pp made out, he's simply doing the sensible thing which he knows will benefit you both.

When the DH initially asked about a vasectomy after DC3 the GP told him that I should get a coil or implant instead. One unexpected DC4 later and back he went. They again said I should use the coil or implant and I refused. Then they asked DH what he would do if there was a horrible accident which killed me and all of our DC. I don't think "kill myself so I can go with them" was the answer she was looking for DH to give. She also asked what DH would do in a scenario I decided that actually I did want more children and I left him for someone who could do that, would it not bother him that I could go start a new family and he couldn't. He told her he already has four DC and wouldn't want more under any circumstances.

Don't feel guilty, you haven't pressured him into it and it's such a relief knowing that there is almost no chance of any further DC.

I would feel guilty too because ultimately, he is giving up his fertility because of your issues. We never know what life will throw at us, divorce, death. He will carry this gift to you for the rest of his life.

No, he's taken the decision that he has two children and doesn't want any more.

Sorry, this won't help, but when I had a similar situation and DH offered to have a vasectomy I researched it and found the accounts of when there had been long term issues.

At this point I was in my mid 40s and decided that rather than potentially causing DH lasting problems, I'd have the merina coil fitted for the rest of my fertile life (like you I had horrendous periods) and it has been a revelation with no periods at all in the main. In fact I wish I'd had it put in years ago!

Nah. Don't feel guilty.

DH and I had agreed that he'd have a vasectomy if my copper coil stopped working for me. It was always in my mind that we'd keep a "coil slipped" baby. Now I'm on medication which causes birth defects. Even though a pregnancy is pretty unlikely I asked him to get a vasectomy to be on the safe side. He agreed without hesitation.

Thanks everybody. It's good to know that I'm not the only one that's felt like this and as a pp said, I definitely think it's more a bit wistful than guilt guilt.

I'm very lucky and he's always offered to wear condoms etc when I've struggled with contraception in the past. It's his decision and we are definitely done at two.

I know we don't know what's round the corner but as he said to me yesterday, even if anything happened between us, he wouldn't want to spread himself thinner than our two girls. They are his world and he felt guilty enough for our eldest when number 2 came along.

Feeling a lot more reassured now.

The risks of childbirth are utterly unrelated to the pros and cons of various contraceptive choices.

I could not disagree with you more. The risks of childbirth are utterly fundamental to the pros and cons of various contraceptive choices.

How can they not be? It's because it's only women who run those risks, that men need to step up to the plate when they're finally able to.

The risks of childbirth are utterly unrelated to the pros and cons of various contraceptive choices.

The fact that any more childbirth is highly likely to kill me was very related to us choosing a permanent form of contraception. Of course the risks of childbirth are related to the pros and cons of choosing contraception seeing as the whole point of contraception is to avoid pregnancy.

Agree completely with TheDowagerCuntess
I have 3 DC and DH had no hesitations about vasectomy when the youngest was 5 months. He had seen me go through pregnancy and childbirth 3 times and was happy to do it. He was fine after a week and our sex life has massively improved because there are no pregnancy worries.

Dh had his done for my Christmas present one year. I could only have one child, as there was a risk both to me and the baby if I got pregnant again. Dh had to be talked round for one child anyway, so he was happy to have the snip as he didn't want any more.

Don't feel guilty OP, why should you? You've dealt with contraception for both of you for years, now it's his turn.

No need to feel guilty OP, though I understand why you do.

We have just the one DD (second accidental pregnancy after contraceptive failure) but knowing that I'm likely to be refused a tubal ligation, I have asked DP to consider having the snip. Which he has agreed to.

My understanding is that vasectomies are much easier to reverse than tube tying anyway.

My DH didn't get any of this interrogation. Sleep-is-for-the-weak Ds3 was about 2 months old and peak colic when DH went in so maybe his dead behind the eyes look and involuntary twitches did the talking.

Take the copper coil out the equation. If you both agree on a permanent fix to contraception and he has volunteered then all good, nothing to feel guilty about. Contraception should be a joint responsibility and he's stepped up.

My DH volunteered once our family was complete. He thought it was his turn for the massive physical disruption since I had given birth twice and I love that he saw things that way.

Personally I would leave booking the appointment and making the arrangements entirely to him though so there can never be a suggestion he didn't do it completely of his own free will.

Is it possible that you're feeling like this because you might want another? If so, that's a totally different thing....

Having the snip, it gives a man a license to play around with no consequences. Just my thoughts.

Are you saying the only reason stopping some men having affairs is the risk of pregnancy?

Fuck ... I thought I was cynical.

Ha ha ha!

Although DH did get asked whether he was planning on leaving me...

I would feel guilty too because ultimately, he is giving up his fertility because of your issues

Seriously? DH and I are a couple, health issues caused by contraception when we both want sex and both don't want to get pregnant are shared issues. Should he also be grateful for the 'gift' of her carrying babies and enduring years of pain and heavy bleeding for him? Luckily he sounds like a decent bloke - op there's no need for you to feel guilty and hope all goes well.