What's wrong with my son part 2

[stressedmum0f3]

I didn't want to leave the thread as is as a few more changes have been made.
I got a table!!! On my local Freecycle, my partner is home early and we will ALL sit at the table!
My hv has made the call and social services have been informed, hopefully we can get se help there and another hv will be out next week as mine is off now for 3 weeks.
AND.... we have decided to take ds swimming next week!

Is there storage for stuff above your kitchen cupboards? Could you box the stuff from the sideboard and put it there?

Have you got an attic/ garage/shed to box some stuff up and store it for a while?

You basically only have room for the basic day to day stuff until you get a new house.

In order to reconfigure the house so it is safe for you all and allows your children to get into good sleep routines you need to streamline.

What is more important? Stuff or sleep/ sanity? Would you rather have a sideboard or keep feeling like your solution is to put your son into care?

Any I shush now, because I obviously don’t wan’t to berate you and I obviously can’t see your house . Just trying to help you to think about solutions.

Much love. Hope tonight’s sleep is better. X

Just want to say, we all do appreciate how hard it is for you. Everyone is giving advice, because want to try and help that’s all. I know we can’t see the layout of your home so it’s just suggestions.
Hope today has gone better for you. I know I keep saying it, but try and look for the positives he does each day no matter how small. X

Op you need to get rid of "stuff" this is stuff that is not used on a daily basis. If it's significant ask a friend or family member if you can store in their attic in plastic boxes.

It is possible to get rid of stuff you just have to be very ruthless and not worry that "it cost me money" if anyone wants to buy gifts for the children for birthdays etc at the moment either ask for money for their bank accounts or stuff they need like clothes.

Keep on top of clearing clothes and use vacuum bags for clothing etc that you are not using as it's seasonal.

Have you got a garden that you can put s shed in or just garden storage boxes with a padlock. You can put non essentials out there.

With cupboards as everyone has said these should be secured to walls regardless and then get door latches to stop dcs from getting into them.

When you have cleared space you can then look at moving everyone and everything around.

Yep, total respect for everything you are doing and trying and for generally just carrying on everyday x

Right. I know that everyone else has said it but you do need to make drastic practical changes so that everyone gets some sleep.

You partner and son in one room and you in the other with the girls. And then he can focus on getting your son to bed and sleep and you the same for the girls.

This may mean for a good few weeks that everyone in the family goes to bed at seven o’clock but you need to crack sleeping.

Once everyone is getting more and better sleep then you will all have the energy for daytime fun

And absolutely, definitely take the tv out of the bedroom.

Just wanted to say OP that "I don't know" and "I don't remember" were/are my DS's go to answers when he doesn't know what answer is expected of him/is appropriate and when he doesn't want to get into trouble. I know your DS acts like he's not bothered by consequences but he still might be trying to avoid them in the first place.

Even tonight, when I asked DS why he'd smashed blu tak into some of my ornaments (no damage done, just blu tak, well stuck, everywhere) he started off saying it wasn't him. I pointed out it wasn't me and there's only the two of us, so he changed it to he didn't remember. Then later said he didn't know why he did it. And he's 12 FGS! It's not about major stuff any more, but it's still a standard answer for him. TBH, my exasperated "Why?!"s are mostly rhetorical at this point.

Keep at it, you're doing great. Weekends may be worse for now because of lack of structure. How is he if plans change?

Just passing to leave you a and some . I know it's all uphill at the moment but it will eventually be worth it. Hope you can increase the nursery hours soon.

I'm hoping you had a better night OP?

Lurked on your previous thread and really glad to see you sounding more positive on this one. Change is always going to be tough to start with, but it sounds like you're on the right track.

Yes I've kept it so that ds is still in our room, night hasn't been so bad. Managed to get all the kids into bed (ds asleep in minutes) AND have 20 mins with dp!! Was brilliant lol.
As for the table situation dd sits better as we are all there, unlike before where the kids would just be there and I was off trying to do something else. It's also a no phones and no tv zone.
Dp will take 9 days off in Feb, but the days fall around the nursery being off as well so best of both worlds

I read your last thread and you sound so much more positive. It can really make a difference when professional validate your concerns.

You have come such a long way in a short space of time - imagine the difference in a week or two. Even if your son is eventually diagnosed with something everything you are doing will really support him and your daughters will benefit too

Well done OP- sounds like you are doing amazingly in such a hard situation.

My older two DC are also quite challenging (tho nothing to the level of your DS.)and tgere is a LOT of sibling rivalry esp since DC3 came along. generally I find rewards and consequences don’t really work or not sustainably. What does work is working v hard to connect with them as much as possible and give them loads of engagement and positive attention before they are naughty. So-

1)first thing in the morning- a few minutes of special time- chatting/ snuggling or playing a game of their choice. Preferably before dealing with baby but if that’s not possible then as soon as you possibly possibly can after waking.

2. little 5-10 min bursts of loving attention throughout the day with your full attention- ie no checking your phone etc. v hard to do with other kids but seize any moment you can- even 30 seconds is good. I like to trace a picture of an animal on my DC’s back with my finger and have him guess what it is for eg. I make it very very easy for him to guess so he always “wins” and I act v surprised and impressed.

3. longer bursts of playing/ crafts/ puzzles etc as often as possible but def every day.

4. your full attention in the house doing what they want to do seems to work way better for us for this than doing stuff outside eg classes (do both of course but classes etc not a substitute for this)

5. stay calm, don’t shout, empathize with his feelings. It sounds insane but if he hits DD for eg say something like “oh you poor thing. You must have been feeling so sad /mad/ bad / jealous /whatever to feel you had to do that”. It sounds like rewarding bad behavior but it really truly isn’t. It’s getting to the root of the behaviour which is his bad feelings and addressing those.

Good luck OP- you are wonderwoman dealing with all you have on your plate

Ive only just found this second thread, OP you have made massive steps forward in just a few days. I often found when my DS was difficult that I needed to compare it to how bad it was a week/month/ 3 months ago to see any progress that cold give me hope.

Great update.

How did it go last night OP?

Well done OP. You’re doing so well, sounds like things are moving in the right direction!

20 mins is a great start ..... now look towards getting it too half an hour.

You're doing great!

How are you doing today OP? Hope your mealtimes are still going well and you're getting some sleep