What's wrong with my son part 2

[stressedmum0f3]

I didn't want to leave the thread as is as a few more changes have been made.
I got a table!!! On my local Freecycle, my partner is home early and we will ALL sit at the table!
My hv has made the call and social services have been informed, hopefully we can get se help there and another hv will be out next week as mine is off now for 3 weeks.
AND.... we have decided to take ds swimming next week!

Oh no! I’m so sorry it’s being so very rough at the moment.

My kids don’t have the same challenges but with DS1 in particular, I’ve often found that when we start to correct a behaviour or bigger issue, it gets worse before it gets better and it’s awful. Hopefully you’ll get some of the support through quickly.

In the meantime can you make the room really spartan and put everything else in storage? Water in bottles DS can’t open, all breakables away, etc? I know that storage may be an issue though. Sending you strength.

I'm going to crack up, I still haven't got baby dd back to sleep. My eyes are so heavy and sore from crying so much 😓

I have nothing helpful to add, except dd (now 18) has asd and other stuff and I understand

And I've been where you are now. And please, seek out any help at all

Ok, my dd used to be like this. Her reasoning was she was up so everyone else had to be because she was bored. Could he use a DVD player ?? I'd give him permission to put cartoons on early morning, it could be as simple as that. Really tho he does need his own room........Could you split the biggest room to make an extra bedroom ??

I'm just here without advice but thinking of you now. Keep going girl, you are so strong, you can get through this xx

You are sounding much happier OP.

I just wanted to clarify something another poster said on your first thread. “An educational psychologist is not the right type of professional. I have worked with ed psychs for decades through work. They assess ability (IQ) They do not deal with behaviour though they can assess dyslexia & dyspraxia. A child psych- not an ed psych can make some assessment on behaviour.”

First of all, there is no such protected title as a “child psychologist” in the UK. Some EPs have trained in “educational and child psychology” but their protected title is EP.

Educational Psychologists do far more than assess IQ. In fact, we don’t particularly like assessing IQ because we think there is so much more to a child than a number.

As for saying EPs don’t deal with behaviour - someone needs to tell that to the schools I work with because my cases are currently 90% behaviour related! We absolutely can and do work with children, schools and families to support behaviour issues.

No it can't be split, the biggest room is still really small. So has our bed, dd cot, a wardrobe and chest of drawers.
Ds bed just fits.
Need the wardrobe as there is no cupboard in the room.
In his other room he did get a smart telly for Christmas which he likes watching netflix but I don't allow him access to dvds.

Sorry if I’ve missed it but is there a reason why DH can’t go in with DS and you with DDs?

It sounds like you can’t leave DS unsupervised with DDs at ANY time (including when you are asleep). It sounds like it is a very serious incident waiting to happen.

How are you dealing with him pouring water over DD?

No I can't have dd in our room, it's just a disaster. She would never sleep as she'd be excited by new environment new things to touch and if she gets woken by dd she will never go back to sleep

He got told off, didn't know what else to do at that time of the night

The think is none of you are sleeping anyway so why not know that for a couple of nights it will be hellish (but then it would be anyway) with DD getting excited but more DS and your DH into another room and you with the girls in yours?

It would be a short term sacrifice for long term gain!

Oh OP you are fire fighting on so many fronts it must seem impossible. Obviously your son's behaviour is major and you are doing great but it's going to take time. For the moment, improving sleep seems to be the key and wonder if there's anything you can try to help that with your baby (again if there was a magic solution we'd all do it). Is she weaning? Porridge before bed? One bottle at night so your oh could do it. I think that while your son is at the centre of this, if it would make sense to work on the other 2. I know you said 2 year old would be a nightmare but is she likely to be easier to crack for some short term pain, long term gain as it doesn't sound like your son can share a room and you lack other options

No I can't have dd in our room, it's just a disaster.
In the nicest possible way, it’s already a disaster! It may take a few nights but she would soon get used to the new environment.
The reality is, you CANNOT have DS in the room with your DDs.
He could have put a pillow/blanket on her instead of water, or dropped something heavy on her. You need to be proactive in protecting your DD otherwise you could wake up one night to much worse than him pouring water on her.

He got told off, didn't know what else to do at that time of the night probably not much you can do in the middle of the night but you need to think of a consequence for his behaviour for today.

She wouldn't though I've got a massive wardrobe and chest of drawers that she'd be in and out of that could even fall on her.
No consequence would ever be enough, he says he doesn't even remember doing it. He apparently can't even remember why is sleeping in our room 😐

@stressedmum0f3 nothing to say but (((((hugs)))))), you're doing great!

Sorry pressed send too soon! You'll get there with hiccups along the way.

You really do have to make some massive changes.

And that must feel utterly impossible at the moment, with no sleep and no time.

I keep saying it, and I know you keep saying it’s not possible. But there needs to be some massive changes to your sleeping arrangements .

Either

Ds with DH and you with both girls

Or you DH and baby in living room
And ds and dd in a bed room each with stair gates on doors.

Both things will hard work ( moving furniture, storing or getting rid of things) ( then being consistent for the weeks/months needed to make the new configuration work)

I can see how that amount of hard work feels impossible on such little sleep.

But you need to do it for everyone’s safety and sanity.

And also work out how to move house ASAP

Strength woman! Don’t Give up.

She wouldn't though I've got a massive wardrobe and chest of drawers that she'd be in and out of that could even fall on her.

Anything that could fall on DC needs to be bracketed to the walls regardless of whether they sleep in that room or not. That’s just basic safety.

You need to teach her not to be in and out of it though. Yes, it may be hard work but that’s your job as her parent to teach her what is/isn’t acceptable behaviour.

Do you understand why you cannot allow DS to sleep in the sane room as either DD (even with you there)?
There is no ideal solution but it’s sonething that you need to do immediately.
From what you describe, it sounds like he has the potential to seriously harm them (or worse).

No consequence would ever be enough, he says he doesn't even remember doing it. He apparently can't even remember why is sleeping in our room
You have to put some kind of consequence in place though otherwise you’re sending him the message that that behaviour is acceptable and that’s not fair on your DS.

Ideas of how to move downstairs.

• you move your chest of drawers downstairs and take in it the essentials from your room and wardrobe that you need on a daily basis ( day to day clothes, toiletries etc) .

The rest of the things and clothes in your room you box up and store in the wardrobe, which stays in the bedroom, bolted to the wall and padlocked. You can also store stuff above it in closed storage boxes.

you dismantle and store your bed. You either store your mattress and get a sofa bed in the living room, or you store the mattress behind the sofa in the living room and put it down at night if you can’t afford a sofa bed.

Then you move dd and ds into separate bedrooms and you DH and baby downstairs.

You make a big fuss about how brilliant it is for ds and dd to have own rooms. You make it totally positive.

You stair gate their doors. You take it in turns to look after baby and put the two upstairs back to bed for the inevitable weeks of them getting used to this new arrangement.

If/when baby sleeps better you move them in with dd

And you wait and save and plan to move house ASAP

Cupish my living room is tiny, no way do I have any room to take the chest of drawers down stairs. There's barely room now because I've gotten the big table.
Think we will just stick at it with ds in our room for a bit longer

Think we will just stick at it with ds in our room for a bit longer

But your DS got up in the middle of the night and poured water over your DD. He could have put a pillow over her and suffocated her or dropped something really heavy on her head/face.
Why would you continue with such a dangerous arrangement?

What else is in your living room?

Sofa, tv unit with telly, and like a side board unit plus now a massive table with 4 chairs

What’s in/on the sideboard unit? Is it stuff you need on a day to day basis or is it stuff you could pack up above the wardrobe or somewhere and put the chest of draws there? Or could you put up some shelves to put the stuff from the side board on.

Can you get rid of the sideboard itself? Is it expensive/ sentimental? Or is it replaceable when you have more space?
You basically have to think of downstairs as a bedsit fot you your DH and baby, with some storage upstairs.