What's wrong with my son part 2

[stressedmum0f3]

I didn't want to leave the thread as is as a few more changes have been made.
I got a table!!! On my local Freecycle, my partner is home early and we will ALL sit at the table!
My hv has made the call and social services have been informed, hopefully we can get se help there and another hv will be out next week as mine is off now for 3 weeks.
AND.... we have decided to take ds swimming next week!

That’s brilliant! Hurrah for help in the way and hurrah for the table!

Try your best to always eat round it together everyday. Same time, same rules, same songs, same laughs.

So glad today is feeling better. Hope you get a better sleep tonight x

Well done OP, I was following your other thread and have so much sympathy! I gave DS1 almost 4, who is mostly a joy but can be very difficult at times and DS2 is 1. I am exhausted and am in awe of you with three! I have definitely found staying calm myself stops things escalating, though it is easier said than done! Stay positive, he is so little yet Xxx

Well done! You’ve achieved a lot today.

Don’t be disheartened that ds had a bad night- it was new, so it was to be expected! Keep trying though, don’t give up! Changes don’t happen over night, reinforcement over time leads to changes. Remember that goes for everything new you try, you have to keep reinforcing it happens naturally for your ds. He’s being shown new ways how to behave, you can’t expect him to just forget what he’s always done, because that’s all he’s known. (That applies to your dd too, for example:- if she keeps getting up from the new table, you just keep putting her back- she’s just trying to walk around like she always have, you have to show her the new behaviour)

Please do speak to your GP about possible depression. It may not be, but with what you are coping with, it’s highly a possibility. Talk about exactly how you are feeling, don’t hold anything back, and let the GP decide if it is or not.

Lovely update.

I don't think anyone's going to do an 'I told you so'. People have different experiences and different things work for different children. We all have different experiences on what works and what doesn't and you just needed to see some different alternatives to what you were currently doing, that's all.

You asked for advice and you got it (plenty of it!) and now you can build on it.

I know it probably didn't feel like it on the other thread but everyone's on your side and on your DS's side.

I don't think I've ever been so invested in a thread and I'm so please you've had a good day!

I'm glad to hear about the GP appointment. About 20 years ago I was in an awful situation (job, relationship, housing all a mess) and I was diagnosed with Reactive Depression - I had a six month course of anti-depression medication.

The medication helped to keep me on an even footing and I was able to resolve the problems I was having, so I was able to come off ADs.

It may well be that you have this,PND or some other form of depression, or not. You may just be physically and mentally exhausted.

You have been to hell and back, please be kind to yourself. Pretty much anyone would have buckled under the strain you've been living with - the fact that you're still batting on and fighting for a better family life is admirable and says a lot about you as a person.

Wishing you all the best OP.

Great to hear it OP. I read your other thread and really felt for you. Hope things improve

OP, so pleased to see your updates this evening. Knowing that people believe you and are going to help must feel like a big weight has been lifted from your shoulders. The table and dinner tonight sounds fab, I wonder if DS and DD were receptive because you and DP showed a united front? If you are both consistent it will make things so much easier.

Do speak to the GP about depression still. As a PP has said, there is such a thing as reactive depression, where you are depressed by your situation. A large number of SEN parents I know take antidepressants to help them deal with things, some of them long term. I found CBT and mindfulness helps me more, but it's very individual finding what works for you and you must feel no shame in taking all the help YOU need for you personally. The GP may want to run through the depression scale with you, you might have done this at your postnatal checks. It will give them an idea if you need support in that area.

If DS is diagnosed with anything, get yourself registered with Carers UK and sign up to your local branch too. You will be able to get respite or grants to help either your DC, or to use towards activities and respite for yourself. Some I know get gym memberships, others take adult education courses etc. Looking after yourself will be a big part of keeping you calm to parent effectively.

I know this morning didn't start so we'll although the day has ended on a high for you. Just remember that sometimes it might feel like one step forward and two (or more) steps back. That is TOTALLY NORMAL. Don't lose faith. There will be bad days where he might try to test if you're sticking to new rules. Show him you are and it will improve again. I've been there, at the "Why is he doing this again after he stopped?!" stage. I said to my DM yesterday that I still learn new ways to manage DS weekly, sometimes even daily, and he's 12. I think your threads have made me stop and think about my parenting in the last few days, not in a self congratulatory way, but by considering what I could still do better!

Well done OP 👍

I’m sure it’s going to be really hard at times but keep going! You all deserve to be the best you can be for each other.

It’s a really positive step that help is on the way and until then you have made some really good changes.

Hi OP, how did last night go? I hope it wasn’t too awful. It sounds like you’ve made some amazing progress in just two days! I’m so impressed you’ve stuck with this thread, I’m not sure I’d take even constructive criticisim so well! Really glad the table worked well last night - although don’t be disheartened if you get some getting up and running about, just stand firm with needing to sit there to eat - they will test the boundaries of whether this really is what they have to do.

That's bloody amazing, well done you!!!!!

It sounds like you have made many positive changes in a short time. Well done!

Last night was just as awful, baby woke up loads waking ds up.
We are cracking up with having him in our room, so tired and he doesn't sleep himself 😓

Sleep deprivation is the pits (probably doubly so if you're losing a lot of blood as well) - but read back your messages up there ^

It won't get better overnight, or in a straight line, but you will get there; two steps forward, one step back but keep on going

It will also be good if DS has his own spot at the table and that's his permanent 'place' for meals.

The baby was waking DS rather than DS waking the baby? It's a small positive that it wasn't him waking her up.

What's the sleeping situation? Is it you, the baby, DS and your DP all in the same room?

Yeah she was waking him which obviously can't be helped but then he is awake and throwing things or trying to break things.
Yeah 4 of us in one room😓

No that can't be helped at all. Could one of you possibly sleep with DS in one room and the other one with the baby?

Then where does my other dd go?

This is why OP you need to sit down and carefully look at finances and figure out what money you have and how best to sort this living arrangements.

5 people in a 2 bed is not sustainable even if you did not have these issues - and it will have to be done privately given you have a mortgage.

For example could you port your mortgage to another property and not pay fees/do you live in an expensive area could you move somewhere and get a bigger property etc

You need a multi level approach
Sort out getting the help and support (and any potential diagnosis)
Put in place better parenting strategies
Sort out with your DP who does what and support each other
Look at getting a bigger home

Through it all though what is clear is the status quo cannot continue

OP, I was thinking of you and your mornings earlier. Hope today has gone a little better. The table sounds great.

I was wondering, does your DS wake at a predictable time each day, and are you able to leave your daughters safely downstairs for 5 minutes? If so I’d be tempted to go up shortly before you expect DS to wake and wake him gently yourself and start his day with a good morning cuddle just the two of you.

Don’t know if it’s possible, but it just struck me as an idea. My 3yo will rarely get out of his bed himself in the morning as he’s holding out for a mummy or daddy cuddle.

Small steps OP

@stressedmum0f3 How hasn’t your day gone?

Sorry you had a poor night, I know I keep saying it, but you may have weeks of this yet before seeing a change in his behaviour and settling. That’s why it is important you keep working at it, and not throw the towel in and say ‘it’s not working’- because you haven’t given it enough time to say that.

I'm aware it'll take a few weeks but this really isn't making the slightest bit of difference, I could keep him in the room with us for the next year and the second he got the chance to be back with dd he would just resort back to his old behaviour.
Baby dd woke up crying which is unusual for this time of the night, I found ds pouring water over her