If you were in hospital whilst your baby was having emergency bowel surgery...

[KisstoryMisstory]

...what would you want your friends to say/do?

My friend's 6 week old was admitted for emergency surgery last night and is in surgery now. She just text me to let me know and said she will try and update me.

I'm a bit of a mess as I have a tiny baby myself and can't imagine what she's going through. She doesn't know if her little one is strong enough to make it through the surgery. I can deal with my own emotions but don't know what to say to her.

Would you want your friends to text and stay in contact?? Or leave you be to process things yourself?

I'm so scared for her but don't know how present I should be. She's a very good friend. I'm terrified for her, I just want to give her a huge hug and tell her it'll all be ok...

My friends DD was born with a serious bowel condition she was very sick and they couldn’t operate until she was a bit stronger and then was in for a while after the surgery.
I text every morning usually with something that required no reply like, “I hope Baby had a stable night, thinking of you both, let me know if you need anything handed or want to walk down stairs to the cafe for an hour.”
I felt that my friend knew I was thinking of them and available for food, clothes, hugs etc when needed but she didn’t need to reply when she didn’t feel like it!

I haven't heart from her in quite a while and I'm just scared to text 'hope all went okay' when it might not have. Got such a lump in my throat.

If her dc only had surgery this afternoon chances are she will be sat by a cot not taking her eyes off them with no interest in texting anyone. Try and hang on till the morning and then drop her a short note

@mintyneb I just sent her a text saying that I was thinking of them and that I don't expect any replies. Just sending my thoughts to her, her daughter and her family. I've known her a long time (20+ years) so she won't feel obliged to text me back.

That's all you can do for now, she'll know you care. You lose all sense of time in hospital and the extent of your world shrinks to the size of a hospital bed or ward. Fingers crossed everything is ok

My daughter was critically ill from birth also a bowel baby.
We were icu for 4 months and then 20 months on children’s ward.
Text her, ask her how she is, ask if she needs anything but what ever you do no matter how long they are in hospital don’t dissapear.

I’d drop off a nice long sleeve t-shirt and a soft shawl, a magazine she would like, something healthy and fresh to eat. A pair of nice new socks! So nice to change socks - sounds random but helps. Give her a break to go for a shower etc (bring a sponge bag).

I feel ‘let me know if there’s anything I can do’ messages don’t really mean much.

You can just drop and ask nurses to take things to her.

When my DC was critically ill, I appreciated texts which said "thinking of you" "sending love & strength" etc.

I hated constant requests for updates & people asking nitty-gritty details; I felt it was mawkish & that the sender was "enjoying" the drama.

Practical things: if there is a M&S cafe, WH Smith etc in the hospital- vouchers for that. Snacks! I was never fed in the near-100 days DC was in. Hand cream.

I think it's definitely best not to ask for updates. There may not be good news and it can be draining having to reply to all the well meaning people who are asking for news. If you can pop in or send something, I'm sure it will mean a lot to her.

I have had two occasions when my baby needed life saving bowel surgery. The operations were up to five hours, with extended periods in NICU and PICU. I can remember every time a friend visited as the days (and months) in hospital were long and lonely. A text letting her know that you are thinking of her is really helpful & I would always include 'no need to reply'. I really appreciated people praying for our baby. Food is a good idea, as are coffee vouchers (living in hospital is very expensive). For me, visits meant the world as I was so lonely. Thinking of your friend and will keep her baby in my prayers.

Thanks everyone. I'm busy with my own (not serious) hospital appointments today, but going to pop in either overnight or tomorrow with a care package for mum & Dad.

Can anyone suggest what I put in it?

My baby had bowel surgery 2 days after birth, and I really appreciated the texts from people that were brave enough to send a message asking me how things were going (not all the time but every now and then). I wanted to talk about my baby and have some contact with the outside world. It’s fairly lonely, sitting with a baby that’s just had an op!

I would have really appreciated some nice homemade salads/sandwiches or something easy to heat up in the parent’s kitchen/waiting room. The food in the canteen next to the ward was awful!!

At this stage I would just suggest something nice and tasty to eat that you wouldn't be able to get at the hospital.

Until they know what their sleeping arrangements are, don't overload them with stuff. If the baby is in intensive care for the next few days, I doubt they'll be able to stay on the ward? When they do get to sleepover, unless they have their own room they'll have a camp bed alongside a cot in a standard sized cubicle. It has to be folded up every day and put back again and it's an absolute nightmare to keep everything tidy.

If they're staying at home every night then you can afford to get a few more bits and pieces

I always find hospitals very stuffy so I would appreciate something to freshen me up like a nice hand sanitiser, a face mist or a body spray. Maybe a couple of fruit pots would be nice too as when you're in these situations, you tend to reach for the unhealthy snacks whereas I find eating healthily actually makes me feel better. Of course don't but too much fresh stuff.

Definitely snacks, fresh fruit, anything tasty. I was pretty much abandoned when my baby was on HDU. And yes, it can be intensely boring - if she's a big reader, for example, a book may help. I got my DH to bring in all sorts, sewing, crochet, just to stop myself going nuts with worry and monitoring every beep and nuance of a nurse's expression.

Silentcrow, you've just reminded me of something my friend said to me when DD was in nicu (she used to work in adult icu) - if the alarms are going off, just see how the nurse reacts. If they're not panicking, then you shouldn't either. Babies in particular can move around so much that it's common for them to dislodge monitoring wires etc.

I found it very sound advice