If you were in hospital whilst your baby was having emergency bowel surgery...

[KisstoryMisstory]

...what would you want your friends to say/do?

My friend's 6 week old was admitted for emergency surgery last night and is in surgery now. She just text me to let me know and said she will try and update me.

I'm a bit of a mess as I have a tiny baby myself and can't imagine what she's going through. She doesn't know if her little one is strong enough to make it through the surgery. I can deal with my own emotions but don't know what to say to her.

Would you want your friends to text and stay in contact?? Or leave you be to process things yourself?

I'm so scared for her but don't know how present I should be. She's a very good friend. I'm terrified for her, I just want to give her a huge hug and tell her it'll all be ok...

Send her a virtual hug and that you’re there whenever she needs you Day or night. And perhaps offer to take dinner in.

When my friend had a very unwell newborn I text and told her that I was thinking about her. I told her that I was there if she wanted to ring me or needed anything but also that I completely understood if she didn’t want to reply and didn’t want her to feel under any pressure to text back.

What is her baby having done?

It entirely depends on how close you are. For friends I'm very close to, I'd be inclined to stop by the hospital with a flask of soup/hot coffee/ cold waters etc. Either just drop it all off, give them a hug and leave or, if I felt they needed it, stay for moral support. For a friend I know well I'd also offer to take/fetch/support any other children or do other chores I know she would need one such as feeding/walking pets, calling workplaces etc.

With a less good friend, I'd tell them I'm thinking of them and to update when and if they can. Then be prepared to drop off a meal at their house, babysit their other children by inviting them over etc.

@DONTPICKTHEMILKSPOTS I don't know. I just know she's having surgery on her bowel and that it's serious. She'll be in nicu for a while. I didn't want to ask her what exactly was wrong it seemed a bit insensitive to.

Incidentally, I wouldn't be texting someone to tell them that about my child unless I consider that person a pretty close friend. So a message back asking if she needs anything and making concrete offers (food, pet walking etc as above) would probably be appreciated. In effect, I'd see such a text as her reaching out.

when I was in NICU with my DS, I really appreciated getting texts and other messages... as long as no-one expected a response! I responded to some when I could get focussed on stringing together something that made sense, but seeing the messages that said 'thinking of you' and the like really helped.

Can you drop by and take her some goodies? a bar of chocolate, a fresh coffee, a takeaway, a book? Not necessarily to stay and visit (they might not even let you in if its ICU for recovery) but just to drop something off, offer a hug?

She might be bored. I’d try and send kind and amusing messages that don’t ask a question. I’d specify, ‘ just thought I’d check in, appreciate you won’t get a chance to reply’ or something.

OP - having been through something similar but different with my mum, I can tell you that I didn't mind people asking questions as long as they weren't endless. Eg, "I'm so sorry to hear that? Are you okay? What happened?" was okay as I could respond with as little or as much as I liked. But then 50 thousand questions about her exact medical status, timing of her heart attack, what everyone was doing at the time etc was less okay.

Again, people I texted were generally people I was comfortable engaging with and whose support I valued and wanted. People who I felt I could tell how upset I was and who I thought would care.

and please do ask - nothing worse than people pussyfooting around when you really want to sound it out with someone who isnt in a white coat!

Agree re. Taking food in.

She won't be going to NICU unless she hasn't been home since being born, she will go to PICU probably. I would ask if she needs anything and maybe think about whether she has pets at home that you can offer to feed for her so she doesn't have to leave the hospital.

My baby has never been in hospital for anything too serious. But there have been times my kids have been in hospital and the thing I would really have appreciated is someone to pop in and offer to sit by the baby's bedside for half an hour whilst I took a shower, or went out to get some fresh air. I never wanted them to be alone (or miss the doctor on their rounds) but sometimes I was desperate for a break from the same 4 walls. So if you're close enough for it to feel appropriate for you to stop by, I would do that,and maybe bring along some dry shampoo, some nice drinks (it's always BOILING in hospital) and some magazines.

Definitely take food.

I'd probably just say you're so sorry her and her baby are having to do through this. Let her know you're there for a chat and offer to bring her food (walk dog etc) if you can.

Just text her back, express how sorry/worried you are, and ask if there is anything you can do. Does she need you to fetch anything from home? Could you cook her a casserole or something to stick in the fridge for when she can dash home... bring her a change of clothes or anything?

...or in fact pop in armed with a nice soft towel, a change of undies and some toiletries so she can have a nice shower even if she doesn't have stuff to hand!

Food that can be microwaved or made with boiling water. Am offer to get a clean bra/pair of pants is a good one too

@MrMakersFartyParty sorry, wrong terminology. I just know she will be going to intensive care.

Thanks everyone. I think I'll stop by the house and drop some bits off for her husband to pick up this afternoon as he's heading home.

Can't describe how awful I feel for them. I'll make sure I keep in touch with messages that don't require a response but make it known I'm here for her.

Poor things.

This is a personal text, this isn't a Facebook grief seeking announcement. Let her lead it along the lines of a reply of sorry for her, doctors are great I'm sure they'll see her right, offers of emotional support if needed and any practical support you can offer if she needs lifts other kids etc. She clearly wants to offload and considers you close enough to do so.

Sorry I just didn't want you heading to the wrong unit as they will probably not be near each other as nicu will be nearer delivery suite.

@MrMakersFartyParty knowing me I will likely get lost!

@BiscuitDrama I doubt very much she will be bored!!

I imagine it's NEC and it can be very serious. My DTS had it at 2 weeks old after being born at 24 weeks. It's an extremely scary time. I'm sure she will be grateful for a message offering support with anything that you can do to help and being there at any time to chat. It's very isolating and I know from experience that just knowing you've got someone to talk to is hugely valuable. Big hugs to you all

Comments like, "You must be so scared. I'm praying for you." or "I know how hard it must be to have to sit and wait for the doctors. I'm sure DH is being a huge comfort." or whatever is appropriate based on your relationship, are, I think, open ended enough she can choose to reply or not. So if she wants someone to talk to, she can use that as an opening. And if she doesn't she can ignore it.

text her regularly, not just once. let her know you are there for her if needed but no pressure to respond/engage if she needs to be alone. send virtual hugs. let her know you can collect stuff/drop stuff to her at hospital if there's any errands needing doing at a time she needs to be there.