If you were in hospital whilst your baby was having emergency bowel surgery...

[KisstoryMisstory]

...what would you want your friends to say/do?

My friend's 6 week old was admitted for emergency surgery last night and is in surgery now. She just text me to let me know and said she will try and update me.

I'm a bit of a mess as I have a tiny baby myself and can't imagine what she's going through. She doesn't know if her little one is strong enough to make it through the surgery. I can deal with my own emotions but don't know what to say to her.

Would you want your friends to text and stay in contact?? Or leave you be to process things yourself?

I'm so scared for her but don't know how present I should be. She's a very good friend. I'm terrified for her, I just want to give her a huge hug and tell her it'll all be ok...

You’d be surprised @greenjojocat

Waiting around in hospital with a very ill child is an awful mix of stress but not actually having anything to take your mind off it. Just IME.

Just let her know you are there for her as her friend as a shoulder to cry on, Make sure she knows you are able to help with shopping/cooking/ childcare or whatever you are happy to offer help with.
If I were in her situation I’d like to have someone who is willing to listen, I don’t think there is much you can actually do other than be there and be a shoulder for her to cry on should she need.
Ask her if there is anything you can do to help. You’re already being a brilliant friend by wanting to know how you can help. Carry on being that terrific friend and tell her you have a bottle of wine with both your names on for when life is back to normal.

Please don’t ask relentless questions.

I used to put out a text that I thought covered everything and I would get a slew of plainly ridiculous questions back. Eg “come out of surgery, being settled in ICU … return text would be “when is he coming home” and you seriously just end up very irritated at people because you are looking to vent your anger, frustrations ane worries.

You have your phone on in case the docs needs you and you get another relentless barrage of stupidity from well meaning people “hi hun see you’re online” or the other helpful “turn your phone off” .

I used to have to chant to my self "they mean well, they mean well, they mean well. Or I would just get infuriated.

You know your friend best. You know how much interaction she might need or want.

Obviously tell her how sorry you are etc, also offer specific things like ‘Would you like me to bring you in some dinner? Or anything else to eat, wear, read etc? I can stay a while or just drop them off, whichever you’d prefer’ it’s far easier when you know what people are happy to do, rather than worrying if you’re asking too much.

I hope her DD is ok, it’s a scary time

I text and told her that I was thinking about her. I told her that I was there if she wanted to ring me or needed anything but also that I completely understood if she didn’t want to reply and didn’t want her to feel under any pressure to text back.
This ^^. And as PP just said, specific offers of help. But I wouldn't turn up - not everyone wants someone there (other than specifically invited).

A friend had her baby in hospital for around 6 weeks after some surgery.

She said the most helpful thing was when people offered to a) to bring or take home clean and dirty clothes or essentials for her. or b) offer to sit with baby an hour so she could go and shower and eat a hot meal in hospital cafe

She is a lone parent, with little family. Although she could have left baby with nurses, she always felt she couldn't leave them 'alone' so much prefered someone else she know to be right there keeping and eye or later singing or reading to baby.

Im sure they won't want to leave the baby right now, but if all goes well, they might appreciate something similar in a week or so time

If she's got in touch then she's looking for support. As others have said, offer support and let her take the lead. I would offer to go to the hospital to be with her. I wouldn't take food at the moment because who cares about eating when your child is critically ill? Afterwards when she's likely to want to stay close by I would take easy to eat food/snacks/chocolate. I'd offer to pick up children, walk dogs, feed pets, go shopping as appropriate. Great that she has you for support.

Ask her if you can bring food to the hospital for her (text her when you are outside, give her a hug and something easy to eat in containers you don’t want back and go home).

When you have a little one in NICU/PICU days and nights go past without you even noticing - eating is hard because you are scared and not hungry and hospital cafeteria food is revolting. The only way you manage is if someone literally puts it in front of you.

My school mum friends from sent me a sturdy carrier bag of treats and drinks, tissues, wet wipes, moisturiser and a lip balm (hospital air conditioning is brutal on your lips!). If they’d offered I wouldn’t have asked for anything, because I didn’t know if I was coming or going. They didn’t offer, they just did, and it was incredibly helpful (and made me cry).

When I was in hospital with mine I wasn't fed and as we were in a side room I couldn't easily leave DD.

Based on that if it's a close friend i would pop up with some snacks, drinks, sweets and magazines that could be kept without needing a fridge. Even noodles type things that can be eaten with just the parents room kettle.

If not a super close friend but still close enough I would ask her if there was anything I could do to help, does she need anything and tell her to call me anytime if she did. Has she got other children who need care?

If you can I would ask her if she needs any help. Concrete offers of 'would you like me to go the shops and pick up anything for you, can I bring food/supplies/magazines in for you/would you like some company etc. Its much easier for someone to respond to a definite offer of help than to approach people asking for help even if they have said 'I,m here if you need anything'.

@BettyDuMonde If they’d offered I wouldn’t have asked for anything, because I didn’t know if I was coming or going. They didn’t offer, they just did, and it was incredibly helpful (and made me cry).

This... that ingrained politeness of declining an offer then regretting it afterwards - so nice when people just 'do'

Just say that you're thinking of them, are here 24/7 if she needs to talk and can bring anything if they need it. Then sit back and wait for her lead. If you haven't heard anything in a few days, perhaps text again with a "hope that you're ok" or " thinking of you".

Whenever DS is in surgery I receive cards and text messages. That really makes me feel appreciated. My mom friend who lives near my apartment building often comes round with food and drinks. Oh and prayers and thoughts are always appropriate. DS recently underwent bladder surgery. A friend who lives in my apartment building popped round with a fruit salad for us and helped keep me strong.

I was the mother of the sick child, and the best thing ever was my family and friends organising themselves in an informal rota. They did:
drop off freezer meals to my house, take away my washing and bring it back clean and folded (I was living in hospital with child), bring me edible snacks and meals, keep each other updated re child so husband and I could forget about sending endless messages, bring me sensible gifts of toiletries and books/magazines. Lots more, but you get the idea!

If your friend is breast feeding, it's likely that she will be given meals in the hospital. My friend was appreciative of other snacks/drinks being brought in and the opportunity to go and have a shower and see her other children.

Also, she was just pleased to have someone else to sit with her sometimes. She was in a side room, more often than not on her own. Mobile phone reception was patchy and the window looked out on to a brick wall so she was beginning to go stir crazy by the time they left.

As others have said, offer what you'd be comfortable giving/doing and let her lead. Don't ask questions that she would expect to have to reply to, so make offers and let her respond in her own time. If you don't hear from her, just an occasional supportive text without prying for information will be gratefully received I'm sure.

Your poor friend though. I hope baby is OK.

I agree that if she's texting you, she's looking for support. Perhaps you could message her every so often with 'thinking of you'. Best not to ask about progress. Could you drop a care package at the hospital or get your other half to do it?

My friend was in and really appreciated
Johnson's baby washlets (for a wipe down)
Hand cream (sanitiser dries them out)
Cold drinks (everything was warm!)
Fresh fruit
Nakd bar type things
Bottle of cordial

My DD had bowel surgery at 3 days old and spent nearly 2months in hospital in total. Normally I talk lots to people but during this time I could barely bring myself to talk about it to anyone.

We had a formal diagnosis of a life limiting health condition whilst she was in hospital. Whilst people who knew tried to reassure us that medicine was getting better all the time and the future might not be so bleak I was just so angry with it all, I didn't want to hear.

So don't be surprised for a full range of emotions from your friend. If she wants to cry, scream and shout just let her. Likewise, if she wants to be quiet, just send her the odd text (Don't bombard her!) to let her know you'll be there for her when she's ready.

On a practical front, we visited the hospital every morning and evening every day without fail (we weren't able to sleepover). What kept us going was MIL cooking stews and meals and leaving them on the hob for us to warm up. Definitely try and drop round some meals if you can. If she's up for you taking away some washing then that would be useful too

when my relative was in hospital I got so many texts my phone battery was flat I text a friend who was enquiring and they told me to meet them in reception in an hour and they brought me a fully charged battery pack that managed six charges a coffee and a few nibbles and a pack of baby wipes honestly it was such a nice gesture to not worry about my phone to be able to refresh on a hot day and a few nibbles.
consider a battery pack soooo useful

One of the nicest things anyone ever brought me in hospital was a lovely homemade sandwich and a tub of fruit salad. The food in hospitals is so dire and in any case she probably won't want to leave her baby's bedside.
I would get some shopping and leave it with her husband- drinks, snacks, fruit, easily portable stuff and maybe a couple of ready meals/ homemade easily reheat-able things.
And tissues- always needed :(

Having had a newborn who had bowel surgery, I appreciated:

hand cream, magazines, tissues, smellies, chocolates, flowers, a card, gifts for the baby to put in their cot?

I would text regularly and if she texts you, ask if she'd like you to give her a call or come for a visit?

Bless you OP - I had a friend in a similar situation not long ago and between us we: went round to feed her cat; occasionally turned up when we knew she'd be at the hospital and took her a coffee, made her laugh for 5 min and then left (depends on the friend here - we knew ours would appreciate the quick distraction but not sticking around and making her feel obligated to talk, but would never have asked us to do so); supply runs of anything she needed, including chocolate and clean pyjamas etc, and lifts as she didn't drive; offers to field requests and communication from other people (i.e. organising a visit/phoning schedule between people so she didn't have tons of people turning up to NICU at once - again, YMMV as her little girl was in hospital for 6 months); occasional overnight stays with her when we could; cleaned her house and filled fridge/freezer for when they finally got home (you'll need a key obviously - we got one to pick up clothes and supplies for her). And most importantly, we messaged regularly and let her talk if she wanted - and if she didn't, we kept her up to date with day to day life and news anyway. We wanted her to feel included and not 'the sick kid mum', but we also made sure we were crystal clear that any time she wanted to sob down the phone or just rage about it or anything, we were there.

When my bff’s twins were in NICU, it was because they were very early. But I would text a few times a day, just to say I hope everything went okay with the doctor today, then later hope everything is fine if you need anything let me know, then I’m the the night hope you had a good day. Basically things to let her know I was there, but didn’t need a response. Anyway she text to say I could visit that day. So I went to see them, she gave me a hug and said thanks for keeping in touch each day and not pushing for a reply. Apparently a few friends had also been texting, but it was constant questions, and when she didn’t reply they would text to say I text you but you haven’t replied, then later you still haven’t replied.

Obviously replying wasn’t at the top of her list of to do! She had plenty of family for support, didn’t have animals etc. So it was just letting her know I was there, and when she did want to talk, letting her talk about things she wanted to talk about. This may sound odd to some, but I do remember her saying at one point ‘I want to talk about anything except the babies, tell me what’s going on in the world, what’s in the news, is there any gossip on Facebook’ and so on. So I suggest letting her lead the conversation. I hope the little gets on okay X

I also had a new born who needed bowel surgery and was in hospital for nearly 8 weeks. My best friend used to text me every day something like, "Thinking of you, no need to reply". The fact that she didn't ask me specific questions was really nice and actually made it easier to update her somehow.