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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want visitors until 1 month

59 replies

LifesMiracles19 · 23/01/2019 05:14

im having twin girls i lost a baby girl in january last year. the twins are coming feb i dont want no visitors until 1 month from when they come i just want it to be my husband and my 2 boys plus my new babies for 1 month. my 2 boys i had visitors from day 1 all day all time and i just want it different this time. is that ok do u think. no grandparents they all dead but aunties and uncles and cousins and friends.

OP posts:

Danteinferno · 23/01/2019 05:22

I think if that’s what feels right to you given your precious loss then it’s fine. You may find that when the babies are here you feel different but for now you need to make sure you do what is right for your mental health, especially after suffering a loss, with twin newborns.

Danteinferno · 23/01/2019 05:23

Forgot to say sorry for your loss

cantchooseyourfamily · 23/01/2019 05:27

Sorry to hear about your loss. I do think it's unfair to extended family who I assume are excited about the arrival? Could you not just be a bit stricter with times when you are free for visitors? My children are still very young but I know I would be very upset to be banned from meeting future grandchildren for a month after their birth. Unless there's a massive backstory I thinks it's OTT.

PineapplePower · 23/01/2019 05:38

Ultimately you set the rules but with twins you might appreciate some help (if they are willing to do that) and some meals brought for you. Or even just play with the older kids and briefly visit the LO.

Asta19 · 23/01/2019 05:40

Firstly, I’m sorry for your loss.
I have to agree that it’s OTT though. Quite honestly if I were one of your friends or relatives and you said that to me, I wouldn’t be prioritising coming to see you once the month was up. Sorry, but that’s how I’d feel. You could potentially be alienating good sources of support. However I think a time limit/specified times is fine. I wouldn’t have a problem with that at all.

jessstan2 · 23/01/2019 05:44

I'm so sorry for your loss last year.

It's an exciting time, expecting your twins so soon. I can well understand you don't want visitors for a time. I didn't like having them very much, I wanted peace!

However, don't turn down anyone sensitive to your needs who will give you a bit of help & not expect you to entertain them.

If your husband is going to be at home with you for a while, put him in charge of diverting visitors or tactfully saying things like, "No more than half an hour/an hour, please, LifesMiracles needs her rest". You need someone strong like that. Get your boys on board too.

I'm so pleased for you. in advance and plenty more when the girls arrive.

Lauren83 · 23/01/2019 05:45

I also think it's rude to include family in the 1 month rule, friends I think is fine but it sounds excessive for family

jessstan2 · 23/01/2019 05:45

Sorry, didn't mean to start and end my above post with sentences beginning, "I'm so".

justilou1 · 23/01/2019 05:54

I honestly think you should see how you should see how you're feeling day by day. Of course you should allow yourself time and space to bond with your family.

knittedjest · 23/01/2019 06:00

Be aware most people will have completely lost all interest and moved on with their lives after a month. So if you will be okay with a lukewarm reaction when you decide other people can finally be in the presence of your children than go for it.

Tobuyornot99 · 23/01/2019 06:00

Imagine that we're 30 years ahead and your daughter has just had a baby and doesn't want you to visit for a month. I can't imagine how that would feel, can you?

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/01/2019 06:01

Sorry for your loss. I understand you are looking for it to be perfect but I wouldn’t do this. The way I would tackle this is to let everyone know before the twins are born and you anticipate being very tired from birthing twins and will let them when you’re all up to visits.

Then when they are born, put out an announcement that you are exhausted, recovering slowly and will be in touch soon. If you stay in hospital for a couple of nights, I’d maybe get the meeting them for the first time then. If not, I’d try to drag it out until the end of your dhs paternity and have a little get together, to get it all over and done with within 2-3 hours. Make it clear there is an end time to the “party”.

If people are insistent about coming sooner, I’d tell them you as a family need a little time to bond with your babies following your loss last year. And that their elder sibling needs a little time to adjust first.

You may find you need these people to look after your older child, one or both of your twins at some time in the future or maybe after you’ve given birth. I wouldn’t alienate them tbh and keeping them away for one month really is too much.

dragonsteeth · 23/01/2019 06:04

I can understand the feeling of not wanting hoards of visitors constantly interrupting your peace. However, maybe wait until your babies have been born to decide how you feel.

My twins were delivered at 36 weeks and were tiny. They needed feeding day and night every 3 hours, and they fed very slowly. By the time one had finished feeding it was time to start the next. The first few weeks was continuous feeding, burping and nappy changes. My husband and I couldn't have done this alone with out any outside help at all.

In my particular situation, if someone asked to visit I made it clear that they would need to come as a helper. If they wanted to come to sit around, being served tea then they were told they would need to wait for the next 10 years until I felt like hosting again.

Fightingfit2019 · 23/01/2019 06:06

Sorry for your loss. I too agree with pp that you will be alienating people, and when you are ready to say ‘look at my babies’ you may get a frosty reception and people won’t have any interest as they will be hurt.

Fightingfit2019 · 23/01/2019 06:10

When my bff had twins, I would walk in and before taking my coat off would be handed a baby and a bottle, get told that the other twin had just fed and she would dive in th shower. They were tiny too as they were prem and in NICU for a few weeks. But her dh had to go back to work, so she utilised any visitors she was getting.

EdWinchester · 23/01/2019 06:15

Sorry, but I think that’s completely unreasonable.

People don’t have to stay long. I loved all the visitors when ours were newborn. I don’t know anyone in rl who would dream of putting a moratorium on visiting. And a month! 😮

jessstan2 · 23/01/2019 06:17

Tobyumott, it's all very well the op imagining if in thirty years it was her grandchild, etc, but she did explain that her children's grandparents were dead. I doubt she would have excluded them from visiting, had they been around they would have probably been extremely helpful.

It's not rude to exclude other people. I found visitors a nightmare when I had a young baby and that was only one, never mind four children. All I wanted to do was feed and sleep, not make small talk or listen to chat.

I daresay she will relax the rule for some people, depending on how she feels& if the visitors don't expect entertaining but it's not a bad idea for a start and hopefully her husband and boys will be on board with it.

BlueWonder · 23/01/2019 06:22

Agree good to put the message out there that you will be needing some time to yourselves and only having visitors when you are ready. But you might need some help with your older two as you and DH will have hands full with babies. When you feel up to it, it could be handy for extended family to pop over one at a time with a dish of food, spend twenty mins seeing the babies (don''t offer a cup of tea!) but then a couple of hours taking the boys out to soft play/park/cinema/library for you. And might make things easier for your boys as you will be tired and not quite your normal self....you'd all get a break/several breaks, as well as ticking off the relatives meeting the twins. Could that work?

KC225 · 23/01/2019 06:26

I echo the above, on average twins arrive early. Mine were 7 weeks early and one in NICU. By the tim I got home, my DH had to go straight back to work, yet the babies were on two hour feeds and I didn't have any other family local. Friends that came were given tasks, or asked to bring bits of forgotten shopping.

Keep the plan in your head for the moment. Tell any anyone asking about arrangements 'we are not making any plans yet'. You may want to stick to your month free visitors plan which is your prerogative but be flexible enough to change it if you want to. You can always let people visit and give them a task - perhaps taking the other two children out to the park or soft play or a burger etc., just to give you and them a break.

Best of luck OP.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 23/01/2019 06:34

What is magic about one month? what does one month mean ? 4 weeks? 30 days? a calendar month? Are you not leaving the house? how will you get the other children to school/playgroup? wont they have friends and activities to attend? will you be shopping? nipping to the shops? what happens if you see someone you know?

But it is your prerogative I suppose. Does you partner mind his family being isolated out ?

I do hope your HV is on board because to me you sound somewhat 'stressed' and a ripe candidate for PND.

Please remember if you do push people away, offers of help, babysitting, minding when you have appointments, popping in when you're lonely, 'play dates' all dry up and too will become very isolated.

moita · 23/01/2019 06:34

My daughter was also in NICU and DH was back working when she came home.

I was so grateful for any help. Especially with an older child to take care of as well.

I think one month is OTT.

I am so sorry about your loss

pictish · 23/01/2019 06:38

I think you might change your mind after a few days of it just being your husband and two boys. Cabin fever will set in and I bet you’ll want to see other people and show off your latest arrivals.
Just take it as it comes and don’t make any inflexible rules.

I’m sorry to hear of your loss.

Returnofthesmileybar · 23/01/2019 06:40

Sorry for your loss

But for all the reasons everyone else has said I too think yabu and ott. Absolutely take some time out and then stagger visitors. Take a few days or even a week if you feel you need to, do your parents one day, his the next, take a day off with no visitors, then have more etc etc and limit it so they don't stay for hours. You don't need to go from one extreme to the other, find a happy medium

Boysandbuses · 23/01/2019 06:43

In all honesty I think this depends on your expectations of family.

If you want your family and old to play a big part in the children's lives, be a close family, help out if you need support, babysit when they are older etc then yabu. The kids are either part of the wider family or they are not.

Not allowing the family to see the babies for a whole month is essentially telling them they are not important parts of these babies lives.

So many people moan, on here, about not getting enough help, but don't treat the family like family when it suits them. The extended family have to be there and fully supportive and involved when required but then disappear when their services are required.

If you are quite separate from family and don't have much involvement anyway and won't have going forward, I don't think not seeing the baby for a month will be a big deal.

AuntieStella · 23/01/2019 06:47

I think that the urge to cocoon after you have given birth is a strong one.

The Active Birth movement coined the term Babymoon for it in the 60s.

It is fine to do this.

But, as other posters point out, you might change your mind about extent or duration. So don't burn your bridges by telling people too stridently or too dogmatically. Just take the utterly normal approach of saying that you don't know when you'll feel up to visitors, and then make it up as you go along.

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