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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want visitors until 1 month

59 replies

LifesMiracles19 · 23/01/2019 05:14

im having twin girls i lost a baby girl in january last year. the twins are coming feb i dont want no visitors until 1 month from when they come i just want it to be my husband and my 2 boys plus my new babies for 1 month. my 2 boys i had visitors from day 1 all day all time and i just want it different this time. is that ok do u think. no grandparents they all dead but aunties and uncles and cousins and friends.

OP posts:

TidyDancer · 23/01/2019 06:53

I'm sorry, but I do agree with the majority on this one. One month is OTT. It is understandable why you feel the way you do but you are potentially (I would argue it's even likely) will alienate any support you would've received. It's fine to limit the time you have visitors but banning anyone for a month is silly imo. Visitors don't need to be waited on but they can certainly hold a baby or play with a sibling to free you up for a while.

Angrybird345 · 23/01/2019 06:57

Sorry but very OTT.

MsTSwift · 23/01/2019 07:04

That’s quite sad won’t you be lonely not to mention stir crazy? Sorry that your family are so unhelpful you have to ban them altogether.

NaturalBornWoman · 23/01/2019 07:04

Can your husband take the whole month off? You'll need some help with newborn twins and two small boys otherwise won't you?

MoreCheeseDear · 23/01/2019 07:10

Sorry for your loss but I do think you are beg very unreasonable not to allow family to meet the new members for a month. Why not share them joy? I'd be very hurt if I was banned for a month.

TheBigBangRocks · 23/01/2019 07:13

Very OT.T.

You'll find after a month of you being precious over no contact, people won't be in a rush to see the babies and you could end up posting nobody is interested in your babies.

Ladyoftheloch · 23/01/2019 07:15

I also think you could end up alienating people if you make this a rule ahead of time. Just play it by ear. You might be feeling ready for some visitors after a few days, or you may be wanting more recovery time. I think people will be much more understanding if you decide how you feel when the time comes rather than making quite strict and intense rules ahead of time.

Holidayshopping · 23/01/2019 07:15

How long is your DH paternity leave?

Mine was only off for a fortnight-I needed help once he’d gone back!

MaverickSnoopy · 23/01/2019 07:20

What was so bad about it before? What were people like?

I can relate somewhat insofar that we have a lot of extended family and they visited when our first was born and between them and all of the midwife appointments and going to feeding clinic we had something on every single day for the whole of his paternity leave and then some. It was a horrible time and I bitterly regret accommodating everyone but us.

Just had our third and this time people have had to wait as she was admitted to hospital and since then as a family we have all been very very very ill (been through 8 lots of antibiotics in the last 3 months plus other illnesses). There has been no time for people to visit and we're 3 months in now. A few have had 10 minutes here and there but that's pretty much it. The trouble is about 80% of our visitors don't actually help they just want to sit and chat and drink tea for several hours. So we have had to prioritise being well and putting ourselves first.

You don't know how your first month will go but I'd say a whole month is fairly restrictive. Do you need to decide now and lay down the law? Are your family helpful or will they just want to sit around for hours?

Seeline · 23/01/2019 07:26

How long will your DP have off work?
How old are your other two? Will they be able to safely entertain themselves whilst you are feeding and changing twins every two hours, keep an eye on twins whilst you cook for them or have a shower?
Are you intending to leave the house in that month? On your own with 4 children?
I wouldn't ban visitors. I would welcome them, but not treat them as guests. Tell them where the kitchen/kettle is and ask them to make a cuppa. Direct them to the local park with your boys for an hour. Get them to pick up bits of shopping. Ask them to hold a twin while you deal with the other. Or hold both of them while you get a nap.
I think you would be mad to completely cut yourself off for that length of time.

Nnnnnineteen · 23/01/2019 07:28

I say this kindly, but presenting them Simba style after 4 weeks is of little interest to anyone other than the 2 of you. Invite, dont invite, but I find the formal embargo unnecessary.

Stuckforthefourthtime · 23/01/2019 07:29

If you want your family and old to play a big part in the children's lives, be a close family, help out if you need support, babysit when they are older etc then yabu. The kids are either part of the wider family or they are not

This. Also, it will be very intense for your older boys to have two new babies around. They may well enjoy having some family around to give them some attention or to let you spend some time with them while someone else holds the baby for 15 mins.

LagunaBubbles · 23/01/2019 07:33

This is something I only see on MN. In real life if familiy members aren't toxic then stating they can't meet your new baby until 1 month after birth is just plain weird and rude. But this is MN so it will be a case of "your babies, your rules".

ApolloandDaphne · 23/01/2019 07:33

I don't think you are being realistic. I think you have a fantasy idea of a month snuggled up with your twins. In reality you will need to be out and about with your other two because I am guessing they will hate being cooped up for a month. If you allow visitors on your terms they would be able to help you with your older two and let you have a shower or have a cup of tea in relative peace. Don't cut off your nose to spite your face.

zzzzz · 23/01/2019 07:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nothisispatrick · 23/01/2019 07:40

I think YABU sorry.

You have other children so I assume you know how monotonous, tiring and overwhelming those earlybrays can be. Visitors 1. Break up the boredom and provide some welcome adult conversation 2. Can help out.

Nousernameforme · 23/01/2019 07:42

I think you are at risk of isolating yourself by all means the first week or so whilst your body settles and recovers but a whole month i think would be too much.

themoomoo · 23/01/2019 07:43

I think this is so weird. never in real life have I encountered anyone not wanting people to meet their babies.
What's the rationale behind it?
as others say, just don't expect them to show an interest once the magical month is up

amysaurus87 · 23/01/2019 07:50

So sorry for your loss last year.

I think this is a little harsh, as others have said you will likely find that after a month people won't prioritise seeing you or your little ones and they may not be that interested either.

I was apprehensive about having visitors once we were home (had a section so was in hospital for a few days - grandparents came to the hospital) but we decided to have open house sessions so people could visit between 12 and 2 and that was it (this didn't include family though) most people were super helpful too and brought food, did washing etc even more so as I was still recovering from the surgery.

It's up to you, but I wouldn't do a full ban on aunts/uncles seeing little ones for a month.

greendale17 · 23/01/2019 07:52

^This is so true.

FromDespairToHere · 23/01/2019 08:00

In the kindest possible way, this is a bit bonkers. Would you turn people away from the door? Will you also not be going out? Because I don't see how a family of 6 can manage cooped up in a house together with no escape for 6 weeks.

And as PP have said: when the month is up people will have lost interest. You will have lost the goodwill of people who otherwise would have been on hand to help you.

Surfskatefamily · 23/01/2019 08:15

I cant see an issue with it. I could maybe suggest 1 visit early for the grandparents?
I asked my family to let us have 2weeks to settle as a family unit but did invite grandparents for a hello the day after i got home. It helped them to give us the space

Wallsbangers · 23/01/2019 08:15

A little yes. I think you can ensure you see people who will help out so don't mind making the teas, will bring you a meal, can hold the babies while you get a shower. Great Aunt Ethel who sits on her bum and declares she hates children can probably wait till a bit later though.

Have you spoken to professionals about your loss?

Stillme1 · 23/01/2019 08:16

You may well need an Aunt or Cousin to go an errand for you or help with some housework or deliver/pick up older DCs to school, nursery or little friend's party. If you say no-one can visit for a month you can't ask for a favour or help in that time. As pps have said family will have lost interest after being kept waiting for a month.
I have never known anyone who did this, without a back story, in real life. Only ever read about it on MN

Surfskatefamily · 23/01/2019 08:20

Altho..how long has your oh got paternity? It might be good to let a few people in after a couple weeks as might be a bit boring after hes gone back

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