to not want visitors until 1 month

[LifesMiracles19]

im having twin girls i lost a baby girl in january last year. the twins are coming feb i dont want no visitors until 1 month from when they come i just want it to be my husband and my 2 boys plus my new babies for 1 month. my 2 boys i had visitors from day 1 all day all time and i just want it different this time. is that ok do u think. no grandparents they all dead but aunties and uncles and cousins and friends.

I was in a similar situation. I had lost a baby in the January and then fell pregnant very quickly. I had my DS in the December and he was a tiny 4lb baby and was on SCBU for two weeks. I literally had family waiting for me on the doorstep when I arrived home. I must admit I was a bit WTF but then I realised they had also lost a grandchild/niece/nephew and just wanted to celebrate with me the fact that we now had this healthy, albeit tiny, new addition to the family. There is no way on this earth I would have refused them that moment. He was as precious to them as he was to me.

So sorry for your loss

Completely up to you of course and I admire your strength to enforce this! A couple of thoughts:

1. Won't you get bored having no adult interaction other than your DP?
2. Wouldn't you be grateful for some help - if of course your friends and family are helpful? I'm talking bringing around lunch, cuddling the twins whilst you do something for yourself for half an hour.
3. Will you be ok with people not being that bothered by the 1 month stage?

Do you like your family and friends?
Or are they quite difficult?

I can completely relate to how you feel OP. From my experience this is about feeling in control of who’s visiting and not feeling bombarded at a time when you are feeling emotionally vulnerable. Having twins is physically and emotionally demanding so you may feel that you want to see some friends/family. Ours were in hosp for the first 6 weeks (our immediate families came to visit there) then we invited our families round one afternoon - had husbands and mine separately as there are tons of them. I think I’m saying don’t worry about anyone else, look after yourselves and tell people you’ll let them know when they can come.

I love on mn how it is assumed that everyone has friends and family who love nothing more than visiting for one hour and during that time are happy to make their own tea, put the dishwasher on and hold, change and feed babies so the mother can have a bath, oh and take the older dcs out. Not everyone has families/friends like that and I assume this is partly why OP doesn't want visitors.

I wouldn't however tell people in advance of your desire for one month's peace because as you can see you'll be labelled precious and be punished . Plus you may actually change your mind when DTs arrive.

I had dd2 a month ago. After all the inconsiderate visitors we had with dd1, and us being too spineless to rectify the situation at the time, we decided we wouldn't have a repeat this time. Other than telling family we wouldn't visit them (dd was due at Xmas and we'd normally travel to family) we didn't say anything about visiting us. We did invite grandparents within days of the birth but otherwise we've only had two other set of visitors during the month and it's been absolute bliss. I've found everything much easier this time round. We've had no qualms in saying no to visits (a few people wanted to visit but we knew they were/had been ill so they could jog on and I'm not willing to have visits on consecutive days).

Some people are happy in their own little unit and whilst it can be a sign of pnd, it's not always that way for everyone.

I think OP just feels a bit overwhelmed, understandably so.

I would also recommend that you just play it by ear. Worry about it when the times comes. People will likely be more understandable if you say "sorry don't feel too well today but we would love to see you soon, will let you know". You can limit the unhelpful visitors at the time also.

Unless there is a back story here about overbearing relatives?

@KirstieandPhil so true!! I have promised myself that if we ever have another baby we will be putting ourselves first. Too many inconsiderate visitors. I will be welcoming the helpful people with open arms. Everyone else can buzz off until I'm up for entertaining them

I would say to just play it by ear at the time OP. If you fancy visitors then let them come, if you don't then just indicate that you are not ready yet. Were I your relative or friend, I'd be happy to wait until you were comfortable and happy for me to visit.

Some of you lot would have hated my post birth experience!

When I came home from hospital having had my baby 6 hours earlier, my family and a few friends had let themselves in and my house was full!