Possible assault from husband

[boymum9]

This is regarding possible sexual assault from husband, sorry this is long but I need some advice.

About 3 weeks ago I bought up with my H that I wasn’t very happy, there was nothing major but contributing factors included my lack of sex drive, we have two young DC’s, 3 and 1 and I’ve been exhausted and the past year doing everything in the house, I’m a sahm, no nursery/child care what so ever and family live far away. I said I’d felt no desire to have sex and it had been this way for months if not since younger dc was born. We’ve been back forth in discussion about it and it’s become a huge problem because sex is EXTREMELY important to my H.

We’ve tried to look to solutions to the problem and he’s helped more around the house, we’ve looked into councillors which we were setting up and he promised to give me some space when it came to sex, because one huge issue was his constant pestering for sex, talking about it, grabbing me if I walked past him, I’d hate to walk around naked and would rush to shower so he didn’t see me and make a sexual comment or try and grab my vagina (in a “joking” way apparently, or because I’m his wife he’s “allowed” to do it).

So tonight we were in bed watching tv and I fell asleep, I woke up to him touching my bum and putting his fingers in my vagina, that’s what woke me up. I jumped and he quickly said something alone the lines of “what’s going on? You were pushing into me trying to have sex” etc etc, I don’t remember everything he said. I didn’t think that was true because although I was laying on my side and he was behind me I was not up against him and was laid in the position I would be to sleep which would mean for me to be pushing against him he’d have had to have been on top of me which he wasn’t. Also I was asleep.

Something told me to brush it off and lay there and pretend to sleep to see what he’d do, and about 5 minutes later he was doing the same thing and masterbating thinking I was asleep. I just froze and I don’t know what to do. I laid there for about an hour waiting for him to fall asleep which he didn’t, so I got up pretending I’d woken to go to the toilet, he asked me if we were going to talk about what happened, he again said I’d been trying to have sex with him, I said that wasn’t the case and I was asleep, it was clear from what he was saying he was only referring to the time I woke up and doesn’t know I know he just touched me again while masterbating.

I have a history to childhood sexual abuse which he of course knows about, we’ve been together 11 years. I can’t sleep and I don’t know what to do, am I over reacting? Does this happen a lot? I’m not happy in our marriage due to a lot of factors but he’s a great dad to our children and works hard for us. I just feel horrible now

You don’t deserve his behaviour towards you OP.

He sexually assaulted you and honestly I think you should go to the police (as well as making him leave)
But you need to do what feels right for you.

Do you think you could stay with him? Do you want to stay with him? What advice would you give a friend or loved one had they been in your situation? Do you feel your children will see the gaslighting towards you, if so how do you think that would affect them? Do you feel your home life is a positive place for your children?

I really feel for you having to go through this.

How are you @boymum9?

I'm feeling ok thank you @Motoko
I've had an odd day and a few discussions which have ended up in him pretty much guilt tripping me disguised as an apology.
We don't have a spare room so I've said he needs to sleep on the sofa from here forward. I'm sure that our relationship is over, I'm just not quite sure what steps to take from here, I'm too worried to talk to any friends about this as most are joint friends, or to my family because I know they will be so angry and I don't want how they feel to affect his relationship with our children in the future, I just don't really know what to do

so sorry op this happened to me aswell it was my friend I woke up the same way and in lots of pain. I froze too and pretended to just wake up. i still think about it now years later it's such a disgusting thing to do. They have no right to touch as when we are sleeping. So sorry again sending hugs

Thank you @Sleephead1 :)

And I'm so sorry that happened to you @Sleephead1

Op please talk to your family..they can support you.

If you know fuck all about abuse, then I don’t suppose you’d understand jocsin, but I would have thought your first concern would be with the fact that the piece of shit abused his wife. Priorities eh!

@jocsin nowhere I said I laid there for an hour letting him do that to me, and thank you @PositivelyPERF I appreciate that reply!

Oh for fuck's sake, jocsin. Have you never heard of fight, flight, or freeze?

Oh fuck off with your rape and abuse myths.
I laid there and let my rapist rape me.
It’s still rape
I’ve frozen every bloody time I’ve been abused, raped, harrassed. I didn’t want to. But it’s an uncontrollable response.
Freezing is absolutely a legitimate and common response.

Thanks mnhq

Please speak to your family, he'll be banking on you staying quiet. Be kind to yourself, this isn't a dirty secret you are keeping, it's your life.
You need support to shoulder this weight, so grab it.
I'm so sorry this has happened to you.🌸

This is not ok. This is not your fault. You do not deserve this and you are not overreacting. Any upset caused to your children by a separation is not down to you, it's down to the disgusting man that you thought you could trust.

Please talk to your family and friends for support. Whatever they think of him is down to him and you have no responsibility to protect him.

Practically, you say the relationship is over, have you though about what happens next? Is the house in your name? Do you have some money? Most importantly do you feel safe with him in the house still?

You're going to get through this.

@meow1989 thank you. I don't know how divorcing would work realistically, I don't have any money saved and haven't worked since having our eldest, nearly 4. We own our house which only has a small mortgage and both our names are on the mortgage as far as I know, I'm a bit naive to a lot of the money related stuff. We don't have any family near by.

Divorce is a few steps away. I think you need to focus on the separating hit first, worry about the rest when you need to. I hope someone with more knowledge than me about how to go about next steps will be a long to help soon as I not sure what the practicalities areeither!

You've done really well to post here and to see him for what he is and his actions for what they are. It's a huge first scary step.

As I said, please do talk to someone you can trust, just having their listening ear and support will really help i think.

Glad you're ok, you've had quite a shock today, so look after yourself.

You do need to speak to somebody, family would be best, if you have a good relationship with them. I suggest you also give Women's Aid a call. They can talk you through the practicalities and give you advice. They're not just there for women who get badly physically assaulted, they'll help with any abuse you've suffered.
Give them a ring tomorrow.

The starting point in divorce with splitting the assets, (and that includes pensions too) is 50/50, but if you're the primary caregiver, and not working, you're likely to get more of the share, and may be allowed to keep the house until the youngest leaves full time education, so you'll be ok.
In the meantime, look for any financial information he has, bank statements, mortgage, bills, earnings, savings, etc, and make copies or photograph them on your phone. He might try to hide money to stop you from getting it.

Good luck.

I'm sorry but if you can't feel safe asleep in your own home you have a huge problem. Being a good dad does not make it OK to abuse you. You told him the first time and he did it again - what else is he capable of? I'm sorry this has happened to you. As others have said - don't let him minimise it.