Possible assault from husband

[boymum9]

This is regarding possible sexual assault from husband, sorry this is long but I need some advice.

About 3 weeks ago I bought up with my H that I wasn’t very happy, there was nothing major but contributing factors included my lack of sex drive, we have two young DC’s, 3 and 1 and I’ve been exhausted and the past year doing everything in the house, I’m a sahm, no nursery/child care what so ever and family live far away. I said I’d felt no desire to have sex and it had been this way for months if not since younger dc was born. We’ve been back forth in discussion about it and it’s become a huge problem because sex is EXTREMELY important to my H.

We’ve tried to look to solutions to the problem and he’s helped more around the house, we’ve looked into councillors which we were setting up and he promised to give me some space when it came to sex, because one huge issue was his constant pestering for sex, talking about it, grabbing me if I walked past him, I’d hate to walk around naked and would rush to shower so he didn’t see me and make a sexual comment or try and grab my vagina (in a “joking” way apparently, or because I’m his wife he’s “allowed” to do it).

So tonight we were in bed watching tv and I fell asleep, I woke up to him touching my bum and putting his fingers in my vagina, that’s what woke me up. I jumped and he quickly said something alone the lines of “what’s going on? You were pushing into me trying to have sex” etc etc, I don’t remember everything he said. I didn’t think that was true because although I was laying on my side and he was behind me I was not up against him and was laid in the position I would be to sleep which would mean for me to be pushing against him he’d have had to have been on top of me which he wasn’t. Also I was asleep.

Something told me to brush it off and lay there and pretend to sleep to see what he’d do, and about 5 minutes later he was doing the same thing and masterbating thinking I was asleep. I just froze and I don’t know what to do. I laid there for about an hour waiting for him to fall asleep which he didn’t, so I got up pretending I’d woken to go to the toilet, he asked me if we were going to talk about what happened, he again said I’d been trying to have sex with him, I said that wasn’t the case and I was asleep, it was clear from what he was saying he was only referring to the time I woke up and doesn’t know I know he just touched me again while masterbating.

I have a history to childhood sexual abuse which he of course knows about, we’ve been together 11 years. I can’t sleep and I don’t know what to do, am I over reacting? Does this happen a lot? I’m not happy in our marriage due to a lot of factors but he’s a great dad to our children and works hard for us. I just feel horrible now

He knew exactly what he was doing. He is doing more of it now, he's just assaulting your intellect instead of your body.

If you are already considering bailing I would see this as my ticket out. The fact that he is blaming you is almost worse and it is this that I would judge him on in reality.

He's not a great dad if he does this to the mother of his DC. And he's definitely not a great role model for two sons. Even though they'll never know about this, his disrespect for women will leak out in other ways. He has assaulted you and he's deflecting the guilt onto you and he will still expect you to have consensual sex with him after this, which is frankly unthinkable. You can't even feel safe sleeping in the same room.

Whatever you choose to do, please don't let him put this on you. Talk on here and to someone in RL who can listen and advise. Take care of yourself.

I don't want to upset the lives of our two sons

Do you want their resident role model to be a man who sexually abuses a woman, knowing she was a victim of abuse in childhood. Then blames her for the abuse and writes her a letter about his hurt?

Because that entitled mindset encompasses a whole range of small behaviours which they will be seeing in him day by day.

He’s so worried about losing you that he’s decided it’s ok to touch you sexually when you are sleeping, without your consent and then lie about it when you woke up during his actions by trying to convince you that in your sleep you were definitely “trying to have sex with him”? Then after he knew that you were NOT wanting to have sex right then, he waited until he thought you were back asleep and started right back again!? Nothing about that sounds right at all, IMO. It has to make you wonder if that is the first time that he has done something like this to you while you were sleeping. This is absolutely a valid reason for him to leave, OP! Please trust your gut and listen to your own advise. Children are not always better off in a 2 parent home just because there are 2 parents there and I hate that so many ppl use this as a reason to stay in bad situations or relationships. I don’t think your children would want you to put up with unwanted sexual assault (is that the word for it? That is what I would call it) just so they can have 2 parents in the same house. Good luck, OP.

The right thing to do, is leave him. He sexually assaults you on a regular basis. Remember the furore over that Trump recording about grabbing women's "pussy"? The fact that you have to run to the shower, to stop him from assaulting you, is enough to leave him. Add on what he did last night, and his minimising and gaslighting, is even worse, and it WILL escalate. One night, you will wake to find more than his fingers inside you.

Leave.

This comes under the coercive control umbrella - sexual coercion.

Not only that it’s assault plain and simple and his actions now are very telling. Not only did he attempt to gaslight you and minimise the first instance by blaming you when it was clear you Wendy able to consent he then proceeded to do the same again when he thought you’d gone back to sleep. Horrific it really is.

And now the letter essentially blaming your lack of sex drive for his actions! Just beggars belief it really is, I am absolutely seething and upset for you OP.

You need to call women’s aid ASAP and honestly I’d LTB. There is no way I could ever be in the same room as someone I know had sexually assaulted me them chosen to blame me for his abuse.

If his letter contains an admission of guilt then you can claim legal aid for divorce on the grounds of domestic abuse

If he is so worried about losing you why is he abusing you? He should be taking care of you, not acting like a would-be rapist.

I had an ex like this, the constant drip drip of sexual harassment is a complete turn off. Mine too ended in coercive rapes. I too was a csa.
Your body has shut down to him because of his harassment and now abuse. I doubt it’s the first time he’s done it just the first time he’s been caught.
Your clearly not feeling completely safe as it is by your getting dressed quickly etc.
Your completely validated in how your feeling. Ignoring this won’t make it go away.
Go easy on yourself

Do you have a spare bedroom that you can at least move into for the time being? I know that you want to do what is best for your children but I’m not sure this is something that you can just move past for their sake.

OP, keep the letter. At the moment he's running scared, he knows what he's done, and the consequences this may carry, he is trying to manipulate you, make you carry his guilt.
This is your chance to LTB, please take it, you deserve so much more.

If you want to leave him, that's ok - you don’t need excuses or reasons. If you think your marriage is over, irretrievable then make your plan and go. I would suggest leaving the marital bed that will start day one of the separation, and separate out your finances too.

It's all about him isn't it? His wants, his desires, his upset and worry. Nothing about you, how sorry he is, how ashamed he is...

Loud and clear, he's telling you his wants trump your needs and choice.

boymum9 I am so sorry this has happened.

"I don't know how to reply to him minimising the situation" can you tell him just that, "You are minimizing what I experienced" You touching me when I don't want it is deeply upsetting, distressing and makes me feel... (you will in the feelings). You know I was abused as a child and yet you seem to want to override my wishes, do you think your feelings are more important than mine?" etc etc.

"...and I don't know if it's all enough to give him a valid reason to leave"

The reason you might leave is your reason, It needs to be valid for you, not for him.

"I don't want to upset the lives of our two sons, I keep thinking that they will be better off with their parents together despite everything." You can still parent your boys together even if you decided to go your separate ways.

"he's extremely hurt etc" He is hurt, that is ridiculous. He has hurt you. I am sure it is diffiuclt if there are differences in sex drive but that doesn't give anyone the right to abuse someone and the fact that he pretended you were coming on to him is total gaslighting!!!

I think this is an American website but it explains it quite well.

www.thehotline.org/what-is-gaslighting/

Do you want to talk about the other aspects of the relationship that have gone wrong. People on here are very wise and some may have specific information to help you.

Yes it's sexual assault.

Many supportive comments have already been made but I'd like to add a view that I think may be constructive for the OP and others in this situation.

Think about trust and how important it is in an intimate relationship. Really think about it. Sharing a bed with a man puts a woman in perhaps the most vulnerable situation she is likely to voluntarily find herself in. Naked, or partially clothed, asleep for most of the time and isolated.

You therefore need to have absolute trust in your partner. Trust that you are safe with him, that he has respect for you and your right to bodily autonomy, that he understands that consent can never be assumed and should be enthusiastically given for any sexual activity.

If your partner demonstrates that he is undeserving of that level of trust then, hard as it may be, you need to take it very seriously. He has demonstrated that you are not safe with him at your most vulnerable. It would be perfectly reasonable and sensible not to put yourself in that vulnerable situation again and if you can't safely share a bed together how can you possibly continue to have an intimate relationship?

constant pestering for sex, talking about it, grabbing me if I walked past him, I’d hate to walk around naked and would rush to shower so he didn’t see me and make a sexual comment or try and grab my vagina (in a “joking” way apparently, or because I’m his wife he’s “allowed” to do it)

If your future dil came to you and said that your son was doing this to her, how would you feel about that? This is the example that your abusing husband is setting to them. The more obvious assaults may not be happening in front of them, but both his and your body language will become obvious to them. What an awful way for you to live. The person who should cherish you is perpetuating the abuse you suffered as a child. I’m so sorry OP, but get away from this revolting excuse of a husband.

Thank you for all the replies, I've read every one and they've made me very emotional and thinking back over a lot of things over the years. I didn't know what gaslighting was but he's 100% done that many times, I feel like I've been constantly confused on scenarios that have happened and always ended up feeling like it was my fault. Including an emotional (at the least) affair he had before we got married.
I just feel so horrible

I am so sorry, op, for the bigger picture as well as this latest incident.

The horrid shocked feeling of realising what's going on is horrible, but things can get better once you're able to extricate yourself from him, if that is what you are ready and wanting to do. There are lots of people who can help.

I've seen Women's Aid mentioned to you. You may find doing the Freedom Programme really helpful to sort out your confusion and make sense of everything and what you want to do next. I found it difficult at times but so worthwhile, and it got me somewhere much better.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk (it's info, not therapy, free and confidential.

This video may be familiar: m.youtube.com/watch?v=rJ6UML1c_V0

I also think you could find it helpful to deal with his manipulation if you watch this one: m.youtube.com/watch?v=d5NHBn5p9vY

They are both clips created by the Freedom Programme.

You are not overreacting, you did not bring this on yourself, it is not your fault, and you do not deserve to live like this. It is not normal or acceptable. It is criminal.

Take care

Bloody hell, just because you're married doesn't give him rights to your body or mean his allowed to touch you whenever it takes his fancy.

In the first instance I'd make it clear to him that he does not have your consent to touch you intimately just because you're naked. I'd also be firm and tell him you absolutely were asleep when he alleges that you were attempting to have sex with him and the fact that he admits to touching you up later in the night when you were definitely asleep backs up your assertion. Tell him he is not to instigate sex when you are asleep/half asleep as you don't consent to it. The fact he didn't go all the way is neither here nor there. I'd be emphasising the word consent a lot from now on and making it clear that any more funny business and he'll be on the sofa for the foreseeable. In fact, banish him from this moment.

Meanwhile, get some advice and get your ducks in a row so that you can leave as soon as you feel ready.
You are now aware of gaslighting so do not stand for any more and call him out every time.

Good fathers dont sexually assault their wife and destory their family.

He has completely broken your trust.

There's no need to 'get your ducks in a row' as pp suggested. The need is to get rid immediately.

OP, my ex too cried and begged and said how sorry he was. This was after masturbating and ejaculating on me while I slept. It led on to rape (while awake) because I stayed and believed his 'remorse'. He has no remorse. It was all empty words. I should add he was violent too.
I'm not saying this will happen to you but shows how it can escalate/continue. I don't think you can ever trust him after this and his previous gaslighting.
Leaving is hard, so so hard, and it's easy for us to say it. Some get annoyed that you don't immediately declare you're leaving but if only it was that simple.
For me, regardless of everyone around me telling me to go, needed that light to go on. I had to discover the strength for myself. Reporting him to the police is what got me away, they opened my eyes to the abuse and him being held on remand got me away. I fear had this not happened I would've stayed or returned and that's me being honest. Is this something you could do? I understand not everyone wants to report it but it could be the push you need. You say he wrote a letter, could you show them?
I'm wishing you all the best OP and I know you will find your strength.

I went through the same, my ex used to do this and wake me up. If I didn't just let him he would start an argument and I would get no sleep. He used to 'grab' me too, even fully clothed. I hated it. That would also cause an argument because he would say I was 'frigid'.
I wanted to leave for a very long time but didn't know how. I felt very stuck. He physically assaulted me when my son was there, that's what broke the camels back and gave me the push I needed.
It wasn't until I had the risk assessments with police and IDVA that I realized what he was doing was sexual abuse and also financial abuse throughout our relationship (also 11 years)

because I’m his wife he’s “allowed” to do it
This sums up what he thinks about you and all women.
He's an abuser and you are starting to see that.
You should never ever put up with abuse.
But the next move is entirely up to you.
I don't believe you are ready to leave so he needs some serious boundaries.
Stop touching and grabbing and groping you.
Sex is entirely off the table for the next 3 months.
Can you sleep in another room for that time?
He gets some help for his abuse.
Please look at the different types of domestic abuse.
I would bet it's not just gaslighting and sexual abuse you are suffering here.
He's an awful role model for your DC.
But do things as and when you are ready.
A call to Womens Aid would be a good first step.

God I wish parents and children would teach children, especially girls, about gas lighting and cohesive control. Children are not prepared for the manipulating bastards they’re going to deal with throughout life. Just think how many women could be saved from these relationships if they were taught about the red flags as young teenagers.

Thank goodness for the amazing women of Mumsnet.