Possible assault from husband

[boymum9]

This is regarding possible sexual assault from husband, sorry this is long but I need some advice.

About 3 weeks ago I bought up with my H that I wasn’t very happy, there was nothing major but contributing factors included my lack of sex drive, we have two young DC’s, 3 and 1 and I’ve been exhausted and the past year doing everything in the house, I’m a sahm, no nursery/child care what so ever and family live far away. I said I’d felt no desire to have sex and it had been this way for months if not since younger dc was born. We’ve been back forth in discussion about it and it’s become a huge problem because sex is EXTREMELY important to my H.

We’ve tried to look to solutions to the problem and he’s helped more around the house, we’ve looked into councillors which we were setting up and he promised to give me some space when it came to sex, because one huge issue was his constant pestering for sex, talking about it, grabbing me if I walked past him, I’d hate to walk around naked and would rush to shower so he didn’t see me and make a sexual comment or try and grab my vagina (in a “joking” way apparently, or because I’m his wife he’s “allowed” to do it).

So tonight we were in bed watching tv and I fell asleep, I woke up to him touching my bum and putting his fingers in my vagina, that’s what woke me up. I jumped and he quickly said something alone the lines of “what’s going on? You were pushing into me trying to have sex” etc etc, I don’t remember everything he said. I didn’t think that was true because although I was laying on my side and he was behind me I was not up against him and was laid in the position I would be to sleep which would mean for me to be pushing against him he’d have had to have been on top of me which he wasn’t. Also I was asleep.

Something told me to brush it off and lay there and pretend to sleep to see what he’d do, and about 5 minutes later he was doing the same thing and masterbating thinking I was asleep. I just froze and I don’t know what to do. I laid there for about an hour waiting for him to fall asleep which he didn’t, so I got up pretending I’d woken to go to the toilet, he asked me if we were going to talk about what happened, he again said I’d been trying to have sex with him, I said that wasn’t the case and I was asleep, it was clear from what he was saying he was only referring to the time I woke up and doesn’t know I know he just touched me again while masterbating.

I have a history to childhood sexual abuse which he of course knows about, we’ve been together 11 years. I can’t sleep and I don’t know what to do, am I over reacting? Does this happen a lot? I’m not happy in our marriage due to a lot of factors but he’s a great dad to our children and works hard for us. I just feel horrible now

[Pumperthepumper]

I’m so sorry this happened to you. I hope you can get some help to leave

[notapizzaeater]

He's assaulted you and knowing you know he's waited till he thought you where asleep to do it again.

If your daughter was telling you this what would you be telling her to do ?

[boymum9]

I'd tell her to leave and that he was disgusting

[BusySnipingOnCallOfDuty]

I stayed with someone who behaved like this, and Gabe me the silent treatment of I didn't sleep with him etc. It escalated and ended in coercive rape, more than once. One incident was particularly bad. I LTB with the help of Women's aid.

[Namechange8471]

Please leave him, this isn't normal!

[Shoxfordian]

Take your own advice op

[MinorRSole]

@BusySnipingOnCallOfDuty I went through the same, I'm sorry it happened to you.
Op, ime it just gets worse. I wish I had left the first time and it is absolutely a valid reason to leave - not that you need one.

[Montypontypine]

I'm a criminal lawyer, if you are asleep you cannot consent to sexual activity. Marriage does not equal an automatic entitlement by a husband to sexual activity with his wife.

You need to plan your exit from this marriage for your own safety.

[zen1]

It wouldn’t be better for your sons for their mother to stay in an abusive relationship, which is what this amounts to

[Luglio]

He has already told you that he thinks he's entitled to use your body because you're his wife. He wasn't joking. He's wrong, legally and morally, although it's terrifying how few people know that.

He's a bad man, and he will never improve.

[boymum9]

I'm sorry you went through that busy x
Thank you for the replies, he just wrote a letter to me about how he feels horrible about the state of our marriage the last month after I told him I'd lost sex drive, and he's so worried about losing me and he's extremely hurt etc. I told him it doesn't matter right now and I can't look past what he did last night, I always end up feeling the guilty and bad one in situations like this, I feel awful but I can't stop thinking about waking up in the situation and it makes me feel sick

[Fightingfit2019]

OP he is minimising his actions. Telling you he didn’t finish is supposed to make it ok? Denying the other instance. Making out that it’s you who’ve got it wrong.

A pp hit the nail on the head ‘what would you say if it was your daughter?’ You’d tell her to leave as she is being assaulted, that it could escalate, that he has no respect for her, that he’s assaulted her! So why do you not believe that you are also worth more?

[Fightingfit2019]

OP he’s doing what an abuser does- turn it around so it’s the victims fault.

[ChasedByBees]

You can get help from outside sources (police, women’s aid for example). He has sexually assaulted you. This is serious.

You won’t be able to sleep next to him again and trust him.

[HoustonBess]

If he doesn't respect you in the night time, he doesn't respect you in the day time. I don't think you can just cordon off your sex life as separate from the rest of your relationship. The nagging for sex and grabbing is also disrespectful and will have eroded your self-esteem.

If you're spending your life with someone, you need to trust them and know you can rely on them. I don't think that's the case with someone who would assault you when you're asleep, no matter how much money he earns or how good he is with the kids.

I think sexual incompatibility is a real problem but there are grown-up ways of talking it through and finding solutions. You don't just try to wear someone down. Also grabbing and nagging is kind of like living with a catcaller - you're basically being harassed in your own home. Did he really think you'd wake up one day and like that? It's no wonder you don't want to have sex with him!

[luckylavender]

That's vile OP. Not sure I could get passed that.

[Duchessgummybuns]

Oh OP you poor thing. Contact Women’s aid today if you can, they should be able to help you work out how to leave. No matter what he says or how he tries to minimise he has assaulted you.

[MaraScottie]

He said he was extremely hurt?
He's trying to turn it around on you.

[badirene]

OP he is saying that he is hurt and worried about losing you but he has violated you as you slept beside him and it is especially awful doing that knowing that you are a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. Please do not minimise this or justify staying for the DC, your DC deserve a home that their mother is safe in, please at least get some counselling for you, not together or for your marriage but just for you to deal with this and give you the support you need to make the best decision for you. You cannot continue to live like this, it will break you.

[CryptoFascist]

He's sexually assaulted you twice, gaslighted you the first time, now has gone to the abusers favourite tactic, DARVO.
Deny, attack, reverse victim and offender.
I'm willing to bet this is his usual defence when he's done something wrong, it's always your fault somehow isn't it?
That's why you're doubting yourself now.
You've been programmed to doubt yourself.

[insecure123]

OP. Please get things in order and leave. i know its hard. I was in an abusive relationship - physical and mental - and I had this done to me....I used to wake up with him touching me. Then he would stop and make out i had dreamed it - or say he done it in his sleep and therefore didn't know he was doing it. I was so far gone that at the time i believed him. Unfortunately it escalated - pretty quickly. I am so mad at myself for letting it get to where it did. Please don't let this go on any further. As a Pp asked what would you say if your daughter told oyu this? My heart is breaking for you. It must be so difficult with kids. You will always get support here xx

[AmIRightOrAMeringue]

Touching someone intimately without consent is assault. I know there are some grey areas around this (what if both were drunk etc) but this situation is clear cut - you were asleep so no consent could have been given. So legally it was assault.

Morally it's also disgusting, would he do this to other sleeping women? Would he have done it when you were awake? No, because he knows it's completely wrong and not only did you not give consent, you explicitly spelled out to him you don't want sex at the moment. And while that might be a difficult message to hear, it doesn't give anyone the green light to override the other persons wishes when they're unconscious.

The same thing happened to me, with a friend of a friend, a long long time ago, and it had a much bigger effect on me than I ever thought it would. He lives in a different area of the country to me now and I'd still panic if I thought I'd seen him.

What your husband did was 100x worse as he's meant to be the one person you can trust above everyone else and he violated that trust, which is disgusting enough without knowing your history.

I think the comment about being 'allowed' to grab you because you're his wife is very telling, I think it might be hard for him to change as he thinks you are an extension of him or he has some sort of ownership over you so doesn't see what he's doing as assault or pestering another person

I'm so sorry this happened to you

[Onlyjoinedforthisthread]

I don't mind been broken up like this but this is completely different, you are having difficulties in your marriage and he knows that, he knows you aren't interested, he got caught and blamed you, did it again when he thought you were asleep. To make it worse he's still trying to blame you for the first instance this morning and justifying the second by saying he didn't finish. His behaviour is unbelievable and his reaction worse you are not unreasonable to be disgusted and considering your future together and that choice is yours and yours alone. Don't worry about your children tgey are better with seperate parents than parents in an abusive relationship.
I wish you luck in your decision

[whiteworld]

Forget that he's your husband for a second. Imagine you were lying asleep next to a stranger on a train and he did that to you.

Assault? You bet.

It's just the same if your husband does it. You were asleep and you didn't consent. The fact that you were abused in the past and he knows this, yet did this - and blamed you for it - is horrible.

Don''t let him minimise what he did.

[NettleTea]

I am so sorry this happened, but what others have said is correct - this is a clear cut case of sexual abuse, and he is trying to confuse you by turning it all around to him being the injured party and minimise what he has actually done.
But the bigger picture seems to be that you are getting to be scared of him - you are actively changing your behaviour to minimise the risk of him assaulting you - and yes, unwanted groping and grabbing IS assault, especially when you have told him, and he has agreed, that sex is off the table for the moment due to HIS behaviour - his grabbing, pestering and moaning about it.
Having to scurry to the bathroom when he isnt looking isnt a way to live - you should be free to walk around naked in your own home if you want without thinking you are at risk of him jumping you
he is a sex pest