MIL and second hand car seat.

[MeredithGrey1]

Genuinely not sure if I’m being unreasonable or not, also I know this wont be an issue for a while yet, but it’s just cropped up.

I’m 18 weeks pregnant with my first baby and MIL has told us that she has bought a car seat for the baby (for her car). This is a second hand car seat bought online from a stranger and she has no idea of the history although their advert did say it hasn’t been involved in an accident. The seat looks in good condition, she doesn’t know how old it is but it is an “iSize” (and came with a base), so it can’t be ancient.

I’ve read quite a bit about how you shouldn’t use second hand car seats, but I’m not sure how much to push it with her.

If I say something, she will definitely act as if I’m being a hysterical first time mum who doesn’t want anything second hand for the precious baby. This is absolutely not the issue, I have no issue with second hand things and intend to get most, if not all, of the baby’s clothes when they’re very little second hand. We were also looking at probably getting a second hand cot before my OH’s grandma kindly offered to get the cot for us.

My OH will 100% back me up if I choose to insist she not use it, but he thinks that the info about not using second hand car seats is probably mostly just the car seat manufacturers wanting to sell more car seats by saying there is a safety risk, and to be honest it is quite hard to tell whether or not he’s right. We will have a new car seat for our car, he just doesn't think its worth making his mum throw it out when it wont get used much anyway.

I’m taking a year off for maternity leave and plan on exclusively breast-feeding – I know this might very well change but currently I can’t think of many/any occasions where she will take the baby out in her car anyway, so it won’t get a lot of use at all for a while at least. Obviously I don’t want to put my baby in an unsafe car seat, so is it true that a second hand car seat where you don’t know the history for sure is an absolute no, and should I put my foot down over it?

Get your DH to explain everything to her. If it comes to her having your child in her car, just transfer your car seat to her car.

A friend had a severe car crash (rolled the car down an embankment after being hit by a van), she was injured, baby in the back was fine.
However, baby's car seat didn't have a mark on it. Looked brand new. No visible damage to the polystyrene, straps, or anything else, despite being in a horrendous accident.

Never use second car seats or mattresses.

It pisses me off that you know “she’ll definitely act like you’re a hysterical FTM”. So what even if you are? (you’re not IMO) It’s a massive life changing responsibility if you are paranoid about your child’s safety, it’s totally understandable. If she would openly roll her eyes or otherwise explicitly register annoyance, then she doesn’t care about being polite so why would you? and certainly why would you go you the extent of risking your child’s safety to maintain politeness to a rude/dismissive person? Madness. Otherwise if you jus think she’d moan behind your back, who cares, not an issue and it means your baby is as safe as you can reasonably make them in the car. Don’t make a fuss with long explanations and apologies, it’s your husband’s mum so he can simply say I wish you’d told us you were going to buy it, it’s not safe and we obviously don’t want to cut any corners with safety. No idea why someone would buy a car seat with asking the parents just with regard to make and suitability etc, even if brand new.

No no no no no.
Just no.
Just tell her you appreciate it but you CANNOT put a baby into a second hand car seat. Full stop.
Rinse and repeat as necessary.

both second hand car seats and mattresses fine in my world.
known source both times.
car seats are too expensive for the rare times i need to use it as a grand parent (to and from airport for example, or to and from car dealership when their usual vehicle was being serviced etc.).

Definitely don't use it. You can't always see if there's damage and she doesn't even know the person to trust them.

I'd say something like 'I'm sure that you only want the best for your grandchild, and wouldn't want to risk their life in a potentially dangerous car seat, would you?' She can't really disagree with that without sounding like she doesn't care about their safety.

Our infant carrier was second hand but from a very trusted source (close friend). I don't think it's just a marketing ploy from the manufacturers to make you buy new - if you're in a crash (even a minor bump), your insurance will pay for a new one regardless and they don't pay out willingly under many circumstances usually.

Things you don't buy second hand for babies: car seats and mattresses.

I'd insist she not use it (and buy one yourself for her to use if you think she's going to transport the child at all- she may well just fib and say she's got a new one if she just thinks you're being ridiculous).

It’s not being second hand that’s the problem it’s that you don’t know its history. I’m surprised there is a seat from baby to several years old?
I sold my car seats and someone was happy to buy them - I (obviously) knew they were getting a safe seat but they didn’t.

As previously suggested take the cover off and inspect the polystyrene underneath - it gets damaged very easily. And take straps off and check all of them.

Once again, you cannot assess if a seat is safe by inspecting it. The polystyrene could be intact and the seat could look fine but it could have damage/weakness caused by a previous accident that you can’t see by looking at it which could mean it doesn’t perform adequately in a crash.

No absolutely not, you nor her know exactly who it's come from and people will do/say anything for abit of money. It's highly likely that it's not been in an accident but I wouldn't be risking my baby's life to save an argument with my MIL, I'd be telling her straight that your baby won't be going in it. End of.

Second-hand car seats should NEVER be used. EVER. You can explain to MIL that if the seat has ever been in an accident, there could be microscopic damage that you can't see that renders the seat unsafe. So it can look fine but that doesn't mean it IS fine. The same thing is true with bike helmets. This is why in some jurisdictions insurance companies are required to cover car seats as part of car insurance. The problem is that you can never be 100% sure of the seat's history. Someone may say it was never in an accident, but maybe they had a very minor fender bender or a one-car accident (drove into a snowbank or something; maybe not in the UK but possible in other areas) and they don't consider that a "real" accident.

Whitelisbon

The seat should still be replaced. It still experienced impact force and that has consequences for the material. It's very possible there was microscopic damage that's invisible to the naked eye but renders the seat unsafe. Just because it LOOKS fine doesn't mean it IS fine.

Just explain to her. She probably doesn't realise. MIL announced to me that her sister had a car seat in her attic that she would be giving her for DS. It was ten years old 😱
I just told her about the guidelines. Over my dead body would DS be using it.

I have plenty of second hand baby gear. Car seats and mattresses are the only items I refuse to buy second hand.

agnurse
Sorry, I probably didn't explain myself properly. The seat was replaced, I was trying to say that there's no way to tell if a car seats been in an accident just by looking.

PIL nearly did this but told us first they were buying a second hand car seat, not only was it suitable for a much much older child, (they don't really know about car seats DH tells tales of running along the backseat while his mum was driving as a child), it was something I felt strongly about safety wise.

Luckily as soon as they said it, DH straight away said please don't, we've got a travel system if you have to transport the baby you can use that, that seat is far too big and you're not meant to use second hand seats unless you know for sure they've not been in an accident. They raised an eyebrow, but FIL is a keen cyclist and DH said 'you wouldn't buy a second hand helmet and you got a new one when you had your accident even though the helmet wasn't noticeably damaged'. They said no more about it.

YANBU at all of DH will support you let him deal with them

Don't use a second hand mattress with your second hand cot it isn't recommended due to SIDS apparently x

I am currently pregnant with second DC after an 8 year gap and have only recently discovered car seats have a manufacture date stamped into the bottom of them. I was looking as car seats should only be used for 6 to 8 years regardless of being in an accident. Apparently ours was already 2 and a half years old when we bought it so it will be thrown away despite never having been in an accident. You just can't take chances these days

You’re not being precious. Obviously you hope you never need to test the car seat in a crash but it happens and you wouldn’t want anything to have compromised the seat. My sister had a bad crash with a lorry on the motorway. The car was written off but my nephew in his infant carrier was absolutely fine as was the car seat. You wouldn’t have known it had been in a crash but it would have been dangerous for anyone else to have used it. You would never forgive yourself if you they had a crash but the seat was damaged and something happened to the baby.

My in laws are put out because I won't let them take my baby out in a car seat that's completely battered from use by the other grandchildren (ignoring the fact he's too small for it). I think because there wasn't as much car safety back when they had kids that they tend to think we're overreacting. We're not. Stick to your guns.

Im confused - why do people cut straps when they know the car seat hasn't been in an accident? Surely you would pass a car seat like that on to friends or family.

No. It's the one thing I'd never buy second hand. It's a pie e of safety equipment that could be the difference of your child living or being seriously injured or dying in a car accident. It's the one thing I have never done second hand or on the cheap.

The British Safety Standards in this country test car seats in a 30mph crash (not 70mph). So the car seats that cost £30 are most definitely not the same as the ones that cost £100. The £30 ones are sold because the British testing is so low.

So, when you do choose a seat for your baby, pick a reputable brand. We have used Swedish (Klippan) and German (Cybex) because we know those seats pass crashes at top speeds.

That was the one thing that I was counting my blessings for with my two children in their High Back Boosters when we were doing two 360 degree turns on the motorway after being clipped by a lorry right next to my son's head. We then hit a car head on. We all walked away. My other half and I injured, my children - not a scratch!!! Good safety equipment is priceless.

I took 1 yr maternity and we ended up moving car seat stages at about 10months. As prep for going back to work I then bought MIL a car seat that was a Stage 1/2/3. You can probably get away without having to tackle this, but when your baby is born tell her you will start getting bits and bobs for them to have at their house. Then make sure you pick up a high chair and a bouncy chair/change mat etc. Nothing too expensive but set the expectation that you'll get these bits. If she then decides to get something she will hopefully check with you first.

I'm sure she has only done this because she's excited! FIL came round with a teddy when I was around 16 weeks pregnant. He said he'd only noticed age 3 and up after he got it, but just got giddy. Grandparents are funny folk!

My MIL got a second hand Britax stage 2 seat off a friend. I told her I didn't want DS in it as I don't know the history. She was quite offended and said they are trusted old friends, I would never put dgs in danger etc etc, acted like I was being very hurtful, seat looked modern and had cost a lot originally so I accepted it. Took it home, took the cover off to wash, polystyrene shell of seat had been completed cracked in two and glued back together..
YANBU

Plus, not all car seats fit all cars, even universal ones. They need to be fitted in the car to be sure. We had our hearts set on one particular infant car seat but couldn't have it because it was in a strange position in my car. Plus surely you'll want one that fits your travel system.

Unfortunately, the next generation up tend to be "we didn't have car seats in our day and our kids were fine" but not all kids were. Some kids did die in accidents. Plus there wasn't so much traffic on the road, there weren't so many lorries and the cars in the 70s and 80s couldn't do the speeds that they can now.

You can't compare then to now.

If she uses that line on you say "yes and in those days it was also acceptable to batter your wife and children and it was legal to tape your wife. Not so acceptable now, is it?"