I'm a long time lurker, first time poster and I'm in bits, so please, please be kind.
I'll try to keep this as brief as possible, but not drip feed.
I met my husband when I was 16 and he was 39. Unlikely, but we got on really well. We were together for 10years before we got married.
Very soon after we had our first child. Not planned, but he was a true blessing.
4.5 years later we had our second. This time planned. He was a tricky baby, in and out of hospital for 18 months (used to stop breathing for no reason) and I was very ill post partum and my husband is not (contrary to what people would assume if they met him) a 'hands on' Dad.
When my youngest son was 18 months old, I found out that my husband had been having an affair. It was a real cliche, she was younger than me (of course) free and single, she knew all about me and they even arranged for her to take advantage of a career opportunity I could offer (I won't say what as it would be 'outing' but I work sort of in the public eye) which meant that she was staying in the same hotels as us, travelling with us and had access to my kids etc.
When I found out, he denied it at first and told her to do the same. Then gradually the truth came out, he left her. They both followed usual form, Him begging me to stay, saying it meant nothing and her kicking off, threatening suicide, following him round the country and then blaming me for everything loudly on social media. She is ok now I think, still has a penchant for married men though.
I decided for the sake of the children and everything we had built together, we should try again.
It wasn't perfect, but we both tried really hard and, I thought, loved each other. The kids continued to grow into wonderful humans.
Then, 4 days ago, I happen upon 2 emails to escorts enquiring about prices and availability.
After confronting Husband, he says he never went through with it and never would have done and that it was just for a thrill.
I don't think I believe him. I look through his journals and notice many names of women mentioned. There's no hard evidence of any wrongdoing except those two emails of course and I can't prove that he ever saw the escorts. But am I being unreasonable in not believing him?
I now face dismantling a 23 year long relationship. Hurting my 2 gorgeous kids. Husband and I work together as well and there's no possibility of that changing in the short term.
He has begged me not to break up the family.
We're still living together at the moment. I'm trying to keep everything calm for the sake of the kids who know nothing apart from 'mum's a bit tired' but I'm dying inside.
I'm devastated. I feel so incredibly stupid, hurt, sad. I don't know how to move things forward. I'm completely stuck and I'm sinking right now.
I don't have many friends that I can talk to.. I spend most of my days working alone from home. I just wanted someone to share all this with.
Sorry for the long post. Its like a soap opera script.