Husband, Affair and escorts - I need a friend

[ThePianoHasBeenDrinkingNotMe]

I'm a long time lurker, first time poster and I'm in bits, so please, please be kind.

I'll try to keep this as brief as possible, but not drip feed.

I met my husband when I was 16 and he was 39. Unlikely, but we got on really well. We were together for 10years before we got married.
Very soon after we had our first child. Not planned, but he was a true blessing.

4.5 years later we had our second. This time planned. He was a tricky baby, in and out of hospital for 18 months (used to stop breathing for no reason) and I was very ill post partum and my husband is not (contrary to what people would assume if they met him) a 'hands on' Dad.

When my youngest son was 18 months old, I found out that my husband had been having an affair. It was a real cliche, she was younger than me (of course) free and single, she knew all about me and they even arranged for her to take advantage of a career opportunity I could offer (I won't say what as it would be 'outing' but I work sort of in the public eye) which meant that she was staying in the same hotels as us, travelling with us and had access to my kids etc.

When I found out, he denied it at first and told her to do the same. Then gradually the truth came out, he left her. They both followed usual form, Him begging me to stay, saying it meant nothing and her kicking off, threatening suicide, following him round the country and then blaming me for everything loudly on social media. She is ok now I think, still has a penchant for married men though.

I decided for the sake of the children and everything we had built together, we should try again.

It wasn't perfect, but we both tried really hard and, I thought, loved each other. The kids continued to grow into wonderful humans.

Then, 4 days ago, I happen upon 2 emails to escorts enquiring about prices and availability.
After confronting Husband, he says he never went through with it and never would have done and that it was just for a thrill.

I don't think I believe him. I look through his journals and notice many names of women mentioned. There's no hard evidence of any wrongdoing except those two emails of course and I can't prove that he ever saw the escorts. But am I being unreasonable in not believing him?

I now face dismantling a 23 year long relationship. Hurting my 2 gorgeous kids. Husband and I work together as well and there's no possibility of that changing in the short term.
He has begged me not to break up the family.
We're still living together at the moment. I'm trying to keep everything calm for the sake of the kids who know nothing apart from 'mum's a bit tired' but I'm dying inside.

I'm devastated. I feel so incredibly stupid, hurt, sad. I don't know how to move things forward. I'm completely stuck and I'm sinking right now.
I don't have many friends that I can talk to.. I spend most of my days working alone from home. I just wanted someone to share all this with.
Sorry for the long post. Its like a soap opera script.

He's grotesque. Get out while you can

You haven't done anything wrong OP.

You're still young. You have more years ahead of you than behind you, don't waste them on him.

He's in his 60's and is emailing 20 year old escorts? He has already had an affair (possibly more than one, you only found out about the one).

I'm so sorry OP, you deserve much better than this. I'd rather be alone forever than stay married to someone like that.

Do you feel in love with him OP?

Your children are quite grown up now and while they'll be devastated, they will recover.

You still have some much time ahead of you. And you have two lovely DC. So don't think it was a waste of your life. Just look forward to what comes next x

OP you have plenty of time to start a new life without him. It may seem scary now, but many of us have done it. We’ve come out the other side of a relationship breakdown, got on with our lives and most have met another partner who treats them how they should be treated. You can do it too.

Not a paedophile, but an ephebophile.
He targeted you when you were still a child, and that would’ve been intentional. Sorry, but no 39 year old with a healthy sexuality would be in a relationship with a 16 year old, as you now know yourself.
You’ve not wasted your life, though. You’re still young. You know what you need to do x

Eww he sounds like a sexual deviant. What the hell are you doing here?
Middle aged man young girl still a child. Did your parents not try to stop this? Does it not make you feel sick?

Seriously? Leave.

I met my husband when I was 16 and he was 39.

In many working class communities, your father or brother would have kicked shit out of him and told everyone he was a child abusing pervert.

Sometimes, although my head says vigilantism is wrong, my heart thinks they have a point. Had a 39 year old been sniffing around my daughters when they were 16 I would have made sure he stopped, and if that involved the commissioning or committing of crimes I suspect that would have been just the cost of doing parental business.

You deserve so much more. Even if you never meet someone again, isn’t it better than being with this man who obviously chose someone else over you and tore your lives apart? I am in a somewhat similar situation (my husband chose his secretary over our family) and although at times I wonder how I can go on, I know that I deserve so much more than him.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=d5NHBn5p9vY

Have you watched this vid @op
It's definitely his fault, dont let him persuade you otherwise.

He is a shit. You are still young. Find someone your own age to have fun with. He's clearly a serial offender, constantly moving his partners downwards in age.

And as others have said - he's the one breaking up the family, not you.

Walk.

Quickly.

@MaxTeyon
I’ve got a DN (DH’s brothers DD) whose 13 and 5’7 with a fully developed figure does that mean it’s okay for a 30 year old to go out with her because she’s not “prepubescent”

Ghanagirl nobody has even hinted that they think that would be OK. You're basically calling a PP a paedophile apologist. I don't know if that's your intention but try and imagine how hurtful and offensive that would be.

A paedophile is a an adult who is sexually attracted to pre-pubescent children.
A hebephile is an adult who is sexually attracted to pubescent children (typically aged between 11-14).
An ephebophile is an adult who is sexually attracted to mid-late adolescents (typically aged between 15-19).

Making the distinction between these different terms is just speaking in facts. Pointing out that someone is a hebephile rather than a paedophile for example is not an attempt to minimise anything. It's just a matter of using correct terminology.

You need to leave him, without a doubt.

Many, many similarities, in your situation and my own. I was married to the first boyfriend I'd ever had (age 17), and we had 2 children. No big age gap though. Anyway, I found out when I was 34, that he'd been shagging around for our entire marriage. It took a lot of courage, but I left him when I was 38. Kids were then aged 9 & 11.

He also told me that I was "breaking up the family". Sadly, all of his religious family also told me also that "He had just been having a bit of fun, but what I was doing was really bad, because I was breaking up a family".....and then they never spoke to me again

I met my lovely DH a few short months later. He has more dignity loyalty in his little finger, than my first H has in his entire body.

My ExH got together with another (nice) lady, and they lived together. He cheated on her and they separated. He is now in a long term relationship with another lady, and I found out a few weeks ago, that he is now cheating on her. Quelle Surprise.

My point here, is that your husband isn't going to change. So you really have 2 options:

1. Stay with him, but recognise that he will never be faithful

2. Leave him, and start a new life for yourself, free to meet someone who will cherish you, and not try to fuck other women.

Option 1, may sound easier, because you have only ever been with him. But it will ground you down until you feel like an empty husk.

Option 2, I think you will eventually pursue. It took me 4 years to pluck up the courage.

And (I know this is bitchy), but FGS, he's 62, you could be with a man of 40 who would be a nicer person, and fitter to boot.

I also think that if you do it now, that you have a better chance at meeting someone else when you are still young. Why waste any more of your youth on this idiot?

Finally, don't say your whole life thus far has been a waste : it hasn't, you got your children out of this, and that's enormous and good!

Agree with PPs.
Your husband is, clearly, into very young women.
You are too old for him...in his eyes.

Totally agree you should not waste any more of your life with him. Get out while YOU are still young. Plus if you stay, you'll just end up being his fucking carer in his old age and he doesn't deserve you.

See a solicitor ASAP.