Husband, Affair and escorts - I need a friend

[ThePianoHasBeenDrinkingNotMe]

I'm a long time lurker, first time poster and I'm in bits, so please, please be kind.

I'll try to keep this as brief as possible, but not drip feed.

I met my husband when I was 16 and he was 39. Unlikely, but we got on really well. We were together for 10years before we got married.
Very soon after we had our first child. Not planned, but he was a true blessing.

4.5 years later we had our second. This time planned. He was a tricky baby, in and out of hospital for 18 months (used to stop breathing for no reason) and I was very ill post partum and my husband is not (contrary to what people would assume if they met him) a 'hands on' Dad.

When my youngest son was 18 months old, I found out that my husband had been having an affair. It was a real cliche, she was younger than me (of course) free and single, she knew all about me and they even arranged for her to take advantage of a career opportunity I could offer (I won't say what as it would be 'outing' but I work sort of in the public eye) which meant that she was staying in the same hotels as us, travelling with us and had access to my kids etc.

When I found out, he denied it at first and told her to do the same. Then gradually the truth came out, he left her. They both followed usual form, Him begging me to stay, saying it meant nothing and her kicking off, threatening suicide, following him round the country and then blaming me for everything loudly on social media. She is ok now I think, still has a penchant for married men though.

I decided for the sake of the children and everything we had built together, we should try again.

It wasn't perfect, but we both tried really hard and, I thought, loved each other. The kids continued to grow into wonderful humans.

Then, 4 days ago, I happen upon 2 emails to escorts enquiring about prices and availability.
After confronting Husband, he says he never went through with it and never would have done and that it was just for a thrill.

I don't think I believe him. I look through his journals and notice many names of women mentioned. There's no hard evidence of any wrongdoing except those two emails of course and I can't prove that he ever saw the escorts. But am I being unreasonable in not believing him?

I now face dismantling a 23 year long relationship. Hurting my 2 gorgeous kids. Husband and I work together as well and there's no possibility of that changing in the short term.
He has begged me not to break up the family.
We're still living together at the moment. I'm trying to keep everything calm for the sake of the kids who know nothing apart from 'mum's a bit tired' but I'm dying inside.

I'm devastated. I feel so incredibly stupid, hurt, sad. I don't know how to move things forward. I'm completely stuck and I'm sinking right now.
I don't have many friends that I can talk to.. I spend most of my days working alone from home. I just wanted someone to share all this with.
Sorry for the long post. Its like a soap opera script.

The thought of my 16 year old DD being with a 39 year old man makes me shudder.

He sounds like a creep with a penchant for younger women. You’re too old for him now so he’s looking for his school girls elsewhere 🤮. You can do better OP.

Follow the money... I'm so sorry you are going thru this. Very sad.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

He’s distasteful maybe but he’s not a peadophile. Peados are attracted to pre-pubescent kids, I doubt the OP was pre-pubescent when she was 16.

ThePianoHasBeenDrinkingNotMe
You said you need a friend.
You will find plenty on here as you know.
Should you move this to the relationship thread?
You'll have read it, as a lurker. You may get good advice and solace there.
(Your husband sounds like an arch manipulator btw)

Thanks everyone, so much for your messages. I felt so alone with all of this.
He's not a paedo, no. He's not remotely attracted to pre-pubescent girls. But he is unhealthily attracted to younger women for sure and he is very good at talking a good game and convincing himself that its OK.

We have had conversations about how inappropriate It probably was that he got together with me at 16 (I'm obviously the age he was when we got together and the thought of dating a 16 year old boy literally turns my stomach!) He disagrees of course, but the dialogue has been there.

Every situation is different though and I was a mature (though inexperienced) 16 who definitely pursued the relationship.
That said, I still come back to what I'd do if a 16 year old boy took a shine to me and I'd run a mile! So I'm not trying to condone it.

Every situation is different though and I was a mature (though inexperienced) 16 who definitely pursued the relationship.

You were a kid. Everyone who enters into such a 'relationship' thinks she (yes it's almost always a she) is very mature but 9 times out of 10 it's a sleazy old man taking advantage of that very lack of maturity.

Obviously I blame him, not you. But you're an adult now and can and should kick him to the kerb asap. You are still a young woman and I fail to see what he has to offer you - or any other woman.

Op I saw much older men when I was 14,15 and 16. And at the time I genuinely thought I knew what I was doing. It's only now I am older and a parent I see that those men took complete advantage of a young girl.
Sure, I was mature too and street smart but still a child.
I now see it as rape as to me a 14 year old cannot consent.
That's just my perspective.

'He has begged me not to break up the family'. These words alone make me incandescent with rage on your behalf. He's already had one affair. He's been given the benefit of the doubt once and returns this kindness by treating you with utter contempt. Whether he went through with it or not is actually immaterial The intent was there. (Incidentally, I don't believe him either).

YOU are not the one breaking up the family. He is. He's betrayed your trust seriously once, was forgiven for his transgression, and this is the way he's chosen to repay you. And it was a conscious choice. The one who has broken up your family - and in your position I'd consider it irreparably shattered - is him alone.

If you stay, you'll spend the rest of your marriage surreptitiously reading messages and looking over your shoulder. Because he'll do it again. They don't change, and from your perspective this is no sort of a life. You really don't deserve this.

I'm so sorry, OP.

I know it's super tough, isnt it. My situation is different, yet similar.
Kids, infidelity on his part was forgiven, tried to make it work but trust was gone, a power imbalance (but due to DV), no one to talk to in real life because didn't want to get into the nitty gritty details, internally falling apart.
I called it quits, I still second guess myself - feel like I've thrown it all away, broken my family. Reality is, his actions did that. You and I both deserve better.
By the time I posted on here, I already knew, but needed to hear it said back to me.
I took no joy in it, but wow! the relief and release when it ended, was like fresh air after holding my breath for so long.

I think you already know too? It's over.

39 and going for 16 year olds says it all. He wants a child woman and to be the dominant adult. Re the affairs, once you could maybe get over, with marriage counselling, but twice is a pattern of behaviour. You are still young. Get rid & don't look back.

Let me guess. The escorts he's messaged look very young?

How dare he say don't break up the family. He's done this, not you

You were groomed at 16 and he is still grooming you now

Amongst others. Were the prostitutes he contacted offering the "schoolgirl experience" by any chance ?

How old was the girl he had an affair with?

He's just a pervert who wants to be in control. Smarter, wiser, stronger. Pathetic.

He low key makes me sick.. How the heck can you stay with him? He scouted you 16 (yuck) an affair for god knows how long and now escorts.

If you want out get out that's what any rational person would do!!

But the fact that you are still weighing options to stay in a relationship with him makes me sad and really feel sorry for you.

You might benefit from the freedom program x

A 39 year old groomed you when you were a 16 year old child. I understand that you feel you did the pursuing, but that's how grooming works. The perpetrator is able to create the illusion that the victim is complicit or even the driving force.

You then both went on to start a family, and yet before you are even 30 (if I've got the timeline right) he is sniffing around an even younger woman.

What were the escorts like, OP? We're they offering a "schoolgirl" experience or were they very young in appearance?

Your DH is not a good man. Regardless of whether or not he went through with the visits to the escorts, your marriage does not seem to be a happy one. Looking at the information you've given it seems that your relationship is built on a fundamental imbalance and that his penchant for extremely young women (actually children, in your case) is not going anywhere.

I'm sorry you're having a hard time

This is a gut-wrenching situation to be in and I really feel for you, OP. There have been some very strong comments on here that no doubt must be making you think very differently about your husband and your whole relationship. It is never easy to see things through others' eyes and this must be very hard for you. I do think your husband is a master of manipulation who by the sounds of it enjoys being the older person in the relationship and having a certain element of control over you. Suggesting it will be your fault if you choose not to put up with his disgusting behaviour and 'break up the family' is a really low thing to do. I'd be thinking, too, that he must be pretty unlucky to be found out the only time he has ever done this. I'm not trying to be spiteful but do you think there's a long list of women he's been with, paid for or otherwise? And that maybe he's got away with it so many times he's become complacent and that's why you managed to find these emails? You sound smart and strong, OP, I think you know that you don't need to put up with this dreadful treatment x

Just wanted to offer a hand hold OP.
Only you can decide what to do, but whatever the decision it’s a horrible thing to discover and have to deal with

Sounds as though you should also get your sexual health checked out.

I'm afraid that my view is that, if at 39 he was still into 16 year olds, he's not likely to have changed and at 60 whatever he is not going to be into 40 year olds so still looking at teenagers.

The whole situation makes me shudder. I think that you are old enough and wise enough to realise that it is not you that is breaking up the family.

I think you need to get yourself tested for std’s, the get a solicitor. Possibly speak to a counsellor/phone line too as it is WRONG for a 39year old to date a 16 year old.

Thank you everyone.
You're right. All of you. And I do know what I have to do. But I have to try to do it as calmly and reasonably as possible for the kids. And I still have to find a way to have a civil relationship with him as their father afterwards.

I don't know how to tag people in these replies, I'm sorry.

LiftedHigh.. I'm sending huge hugs to you. You are so strong. And you are totally right about needing it said back to you. It has helped me immeasurably.

To those asking, the woman he had an affair with was 26. I was 31.

The escorts didn't offer schoolgirl experiences no. But they did look in their early 20's and one looked so, so sad it broke my heart. God knows what she'd been through herself.

MarieIVanArkleStinks - I did tell him that if he ever said that to me again (this was on the 3rd time of him asking me not to break up the family) I'd throw something heavy at him. My eyes were on a heavy, full metal water bottle (I would never, ever hurt someone, before anyone gets worried!)

LuluBellaBlue - Thank you so much for your words of support.

Thank you all of you. There's a long sad road ahead. What a waste of a life.

You've done nothing wrong here, he's done loads wrong. If this was your daughter what would you be telling g her to do.

You've given him one chance and he's thrown it away. If you try again then he's got a free pass as he knows you won't do anything.

PS. The STD test went in the post this afternoon.

Ugh, what a creep. Exploitative and predatory.

I’m 39 too. I cannot get my head around being attracted to a 16 year old boy. They’re still children - no matter what they think. Just grim.

What a waste of a life.

I hope you're talking about your husband and not yourself, Piano. You are still young. I'm sure you don't feel it right now because you are ground down and sad and exhausted, but that is all temporary. There are happy days ahead for you and your children. Your happiest days yet!

Your husband has wasted his life. He has wasted it by thinking with his penis, being consumed by unhealthy and inappropriate fantasies and failing to value his precious family.