Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Falling out over £50

97 replies

ToddlerDecibels · 22/01/2019 17:00

My DM and her sister have had a falling out over a sum of money (£50)

DM owed my aunt the money as my aunt has been subsiding her with bits and bobs until her benefits money came through today. DM does a hell of a lot for her sister (she does the vast majority of her housework for her, does her shopping etc)

DM is on benefits due to a MH disability, £50 is a big chunk of the amount she gets which she receives fortnightly.

Aunt frogmarched (DM's wording not mine) her to the cash machine today to withdraw the £50. DM is now upset and stressed because whats left in her account is not going to last another fortnight, has left her short on an important bill and she wanted to be able to pay the amount back in instalments.

Who, if anybody, is being unreasonable? Both are annoyed. DM for aunt wanting the money back in one chunk, and aunt because DM was visibly annoyed.

OP posts:
Missingstreetlife · 22/01/2019 18:27

Got to leave it then, but don't let aunt think she is next of kin.
If it gets worse or mum seems unhappy refer to safeguarding.
Tell them you don't need to hear about it because they don't listen.
If any other relatives tell them. Enjoy your baby.

Snog · 22/01/2019 18:53

Aunt is an exploitative loan shark if she is lending DM money in exchange for housework.

Does she also pay for stuff that is NOT a loan? If so things become very unclear.

OP everyone is ignoring you and you can't effect any change so my advice is just stay out of things.

BlueJag · 22/01/2019 19:28

Are you able to help your Mum financially?
Cleaning on average is £10 an hour how many hours does you Mum clean?
If your Mum is taking disability money she really shouldn't be working.
Your aunt is exploiting your Mum because she know she can get what she wants.
Also it's mean to moan at you get you upset then they are back to normal.
If you can help your Mum help her. Otherwise they are going to have to sort this out themselves.

BeanTownNancy · 22/01/2019 19:33

Well, with another child on the way I'm sure you could use some help cleaning? Could you stretch your own budget to paying your mum for cleaning at your place once or twice a month? Or buy her groceries once a week? Maybe she won't take money from you as a gift, but if you ask her for her "help" and then insist on repaying her financially, perhaps that is something she could accept? Only if you can afford it of course.

BlueJag · 22/01/2019 19:33

So Aunt gets her cake and eat it too. Mum cleans and gets an invoice too.
It's like a payday loan at 5000000% interest.
I'm not surprised your aunt likes the arrangement. Confused

EhlanaOfElenia · 22/01/2019 20:11

Agree that you will not ring your aunt and say anything, on condition that your Mum gives you her bank card, and you take care of her finances for awhile. Then the ONLY way your aunt can get the money is if she comes to you.

However that means you will need to be proactive for awhile to make sure your mum has food, cigarettes etc. More running around for you, but hopefully less drama in the long run.

Original poster
ToddlerDecibels · 22/01/2019 20:54

I'm happy to help mum with groceries and the odd £10 here and there but I can't afford to buy her endless packets of cigarettes as they're ridiculously expensive.

I don't think she should be smoking at all but have no sway over that one.

I'm going to talk with her tomorrow about keeping hold of her bank card, my only concern is what do I do when my aunt comes to me for the money mum owes her? I can't refuse it, can I?

OP posts:
Damia · 22/01/2019 22:25

If your mum is doing cleaning in exchange for the shopping then she owes nothing

If aunt is getting the shopping and is owed the money then equally your mum is owed money for cleaning

Find out how much a cleaner costs in your area and charge that

It can't be half of one scenario and half the other

Either equal exchange or both pay each other

Totaldogsbody · 22/01/2019 23:09

Sounds like your aunt is totally exploiting you dm. Your mum is being put in a vicious circle by her sister, not asking for money but being given it and then having to hand it back when she may have bills to pay. Sorry but I would rather end up looking the unreasonable one here and tell my aunt to stop exploiting your mum, you may upset them both, but I don't think I could keep quiet. As has been stated get them together sit them down and talk it out with them, but its got to stop.

Original poster
ToddlerDecibels · 22/01/2019 23:34

It's very frustrating for me because they both moan about the situation, agree not to do it any longer and then continue regardless.

I've spoken to my aunt on her own previously and told her to just stop it, she responded that she feels obliged to 'help' mum when she's short on cash and necessities and says mum does the cleaning because she wants to Hmm

Aunt is one of the most stubborn people i know and fails to see (or acknowledge) any faults in herself or her behaviour..

When I've spoken to mum about doing all of her cleaning she says she does it for her sister because if she didn't then it just wouldn't get done, so she feels obliged to help in that sense.

It's a toxic and co-dependent relationship that's benefiting nobody apart from my aunt in the long run.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 22/01/2019 23:38

she'll get her to do housework and then offer to buy whatever it is, and keeps notes of what she's spent on DM and presents DM with an 'invoice'

But in this case, there should be no "owing" at all - she did cleaning for the payment of goods.

If she'd been paid in cash for cleaning, then she would spend it herself on goods.

Tell your mum she needs to charge aunt for cleaning.

Tell your aunt she needs to pay for cleaning.

Bloody hell, she sounds absolutely awful to your mum.

Original poster
ToddlerDecibels · 22/01/2019 23:38

Aunt has tried to do similar to me in the past with money.

She "treat DS" by giving me £20 when he was a baby and told me to go and buy him an outfit. Not unusual for a great aunt to do, right?

I politely thanked her and did as suggested only for her to turn up at my place a couple of months later out of the blue saying I owed her £20 and she needed it back now.

I asked wtf she was talking about and she reminded me about the £20 gave to buy her great nephew an outfit.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 22/01/2019 23:40

Well, OK, then you should either give it one more go to speak to them together and tell them to make a formal arrangement of X hours of cleaning for £X, or you will never listen to either of them moaning about it again.

Still think your aunt is dreadful.

NoSquirrels · 22/01/2019 23:41

Ugh. There was another thread recently where the poster's mother was like this - would offer to "treat" her with something and then bill it back to them later. Awful behaviour.

Original poster
ToddlerDecibels · 22/01/2019 23:42

I absolutely agree mum needs to charge her for the cleaning and make it clear that she's doing it for payment and whatever she receives isn't a loan to be paid back.

I know mum though and she wouldn't follow through and stick to it.

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 22/01/2019 23:42

I think this is tantamount to abuse OP and by the sound of it, your Mum needs a social worker....someone to look out for her. In your shoes, I would be having a A STRONG word to her sister. Basically tell her that if she doesn't stop abusing your Mother, you will report her for it.

And help your Mum budget.

MissLadyM · 22/01/2019 23:43

I guess they both smoke and drink? Maybe they should get jobs and both take responsibility for their own lives?

Original poster
ToddlerDecibels · 22/01/2019 23:46

They both smoke but don't drink.

DM has learning difficulties and a MH disability so isn't employable unfortunately, she's worked voluntary roles in charity shops but no other business would take her for paid work.

My aunt is 62 and recently retired.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 22/01/2019 23:52

Can you tell your mum to bring any "invoice" direct to you, and you will sort it out? And ask her to tell you when she does "cleaning" for her sister?

Original poster
ToddlerDecibels · 22/01/2019 23:55

I can certainly ask her to yes, whether she does or not is a different matter.

She seems to be adverse to me getting involved and helping because she doesn't want to cause trouble with her sister.

OP posts:
Original poster
ToddlerDecibels · 23/01/2019 00:12

Aunt has said before that she can't afford to pay mum the going rate for a cleaner (this isn't true, she's perfectly comfortable) so "lends" her things in return for her help.

It's an unfair and quite frankly ridiculous arrangement that cleaning should be no part of.

OP posts:
Original poster
ToddlerDecibels · 23/01/2019 00:18

"I could only afford to give your DM a few pounds for cleaning as money is tight but I do help her out with cigarettes/food/whatever and make sure she's ok until she gets paid"

By few quid she is being literal.

She thinks mum would only be entitled to a few pounds every so often for all of her efforts including hoovering, tidying, doing dishes and changing her cats litter tray on a regular basis.

She knows full well what a cleaner would charge because I was a self employed one myself and my rate was 10pph which is quite reasonable for the area.

So yes she's exploitative and money isn't tight, she is.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 23/01/2019 00:49

"I could only afford to give your DM a few pounds for cleaning as money is tight but I do help her out with cigarettes/food/whatever and make sure she's ok until she gets paid"

BUT - she's paying for the cigarettes/food/whatever with money, right?

Have you pointed out she's not "helping out" if she's acting as a payday loan specialist? That actually she's being the OPPOSITE of helpful, as how can your mum ever get straight if she's always in debt?

Anotheronebitesthefluff · 23/01/2019 04:26

Your mum is a vulnerable adult and is being taken advantage of by her sister. It's a safeguarding issue and you should report it to social services.
Your mum won't get into trouble, she needs someone to stand up for her.

BlueJag · 23/01/2019 08:45

Unfortunately if she pays your Mum the going rate her grip will be less.
Your aunt is like a loan shark.
You have a uphill battle as your Mum is so codependent and doesn't understand her own worth.
Very difficult cicle.