AIBU or is DH re. DS’s hobby

[CoffeeChocolateWine]

Interested in getting some perspectives on this. Our DS is 10. Since the age of 5 he has been taking part in a sport as a hobby. It involves training on a Saturday and a competitive match on a Sunday during the season. For 5 years he has shown quite admirable commitment to this but over the past year or so he has been losing enthusiasm for it. I should also add that I wouldn’t say he is hugely talented at it...he’s decent and he gets enjoyment from it and likes the social side of it. However, we’ve noticed that he doesn’t always want to go to his training or he’s not putting enough effort into the competitions. He’s lost the passion for it and he admitted this to us about a year ago.

DH’s response to this was that he needed to spend even more time doing it, to practice more and to reignite the passion. So he started practising with DS in the garden and at the park at whatever opportunity they could get. Initially I was pretty supportive of this and DS was enjoying spending that time with his Dad, sometimes his performance in his hobby would improve a bit but it was very up and down, but it was still very clear that the passion for it had gone.

DH has been getting frustrated by it in recent months (he’s taken to taking DS to pretty much all of the training and matches whereas we used to take it in turns). He often comes back annoyed that DS has not put enough effort it and hasn’t done very well. Two weeks ago he ended up having a bit of a go at him about it that he (DH) is putting a lot of his own time into practising with him and supporting him but DS doesn’t put the effort in.

It ended up with DS admitting that he want to stop his hobby. I told him that if ha’s what he wants to do then that’s ok, after all hobbies are meant to be fun and something you really love doing. I also said that it would give us an opportunity to try something new and find something that he does feel passionate about. He seemed up for this and we talked about some things that he might like to try. DH however was very quiet. He later said to me that I gave him a very negative message that ‘quitting is ok’ and keeps saying “I’m not having a quitter for a son”. He’s now talking more and more about spending even more time doing this hobby! This seems ridiculous to me. He’s 10 years old and has been committed to his hobby for 5 years. Now he wants to try something new because he’s decided that the sport he discovered at the age of 5 isn’t his passion. I’m getting frustrated with DH’s attitude because I feel that by spending all his time doing a hobby that he’s not passionate about, we’re holding him back from finding the thing he is passionate about! But DH has got a bee in his bonnet about him being a quitter.

Who is being unreasonable?

Don't worry about your OP. I Get it. Dh was a bit of a quitter when younger so wants to make sure our kids give things a bloody good try before deciding they're not for them.

Thankfully their school clubs are half a term long which means they get to try a fair bit without too much commitment.

We've done football too and I think was was when ds1 turned 7 he stopped enjoying it as much and by 8 had completely quit. He now does trampolining which he enjoys much, much more than he ever did football. (He also chose football aged 4. We are not a football family!)

Variously my kids have dropped one or two activities they have once enjoyed but no longer feel passionate about. It happens and as you've said, choosing something young when they go through so much growth and development can mean their outlook changes as they get older.

Your son is only 10. He may come back to it when he starts senior school. Or he might find something else or he might stick with music. But he has had a good grounding in discipline and teamwork for a long while which should not be dismissed.

Thanks minisoks. Yes this is the case with DH...he has regrets at giving things up too easily - and being allowed to by his parents when he feels they should have encouraged him to stick at it - and he doesn't want our DS to look back and feel the same. I do believe it comes from a good place as he is a very supportive Dad and takes an interest in everything our kids do. He is in no way a bully as has heen suggested. But he clearly has an issue of his own here that he needs to get over!

Also, sadly I can't use the "what hobbies have you had since you were a child and stuck at your whole life and never quit?" thing on him. He found his passion aged 8 and still does it at the age of 42! And it is as far away from football as you can possibly imagine! But the difference is that he never wanted to quit that one. I tell him that if football was DS's passion then he wouldn't want to quit and when he does find it he won't want to quit it.

Too many harsh comments on here.

Sounds like you have a wonderfully loving husband who is a wonderful parent to his son.

Your DS is growing up and wanting to do his own thing. He may well choose an activity that has less parental support/involvement on the sidelines, do something that only needs your DH at pick up and drop off only. Or he may not take anything up at all. This special father son time will come to an end. I think this is what your DH is afraid of but maybe hasnt been able to articulate.